Why can't I break the habit?

sorry girl - stitches? get it?

Yes we do have to learn to accept ourselves for who we are and hey! who is to say it isn't us that's normal and not them?

I like being me - I think people have started liking me - unpredictable - can be totally serious and forlorn one minute then full of the joys of spring the next - yes! I can even surprise myself lol.

I also think it is important to be able to laugh at ourselves too.

I'm not so sure if I have the enrgy anymore to dance around the room or even play loud music anymore - oh how I used to love to put on the headphones and lose myself in my favourite music. Even my taste in music is so unpredictable and random lol.

Yea - like you orb, I like being me - I like being 'different', unpredictable, and have the ability to feel all the emotions given to me on a daily basis. It must be awful for those people who are always on an even keel - do they really know what feelings are? Can they tell when they are happy, sad, low, elated?

We were given all these feelings so we could see others and be appreciative of their emotions and feelings - it makes us more perceptive of those around us - we have a gift :D

A very happy weekend to you too.

Melbi x

I wish i could see it as a gift, maybe i should do that! Sometimes i get so excited at the start of the day, the posibilities are endless! i love feeling like this. :D

But then theres the down side where things become so dark that i want to put a gun to my chest and pull the trigger! ( where the hell i would get a gun from i dont know.lol)

The thing that worries me with the anti depressents is that they will put me on an even keel! i know that sounds silly :oops: But it would be great to not feel black, to stop the fantasies of self harm and mutilation! but what if i dont get excited at the start of the day ever again!

Now i know i need help, my daughter deserves better. She sees me at my worst and i have to lie about the cuts.

See i'm doing it again, fighting with myself :lol: I should set up a boxing ring in my bedroom!

I'm rambling on again! Does this sound familar to anyone or are they just my demented ramblings?

Have a good day Melbi.x

And Girl, hope your well and you have a good weekend.

I see them as our thoughts racing around at very high speed as we try to make sense of them all.

Perhaps the ramblings are our way of slowing them down as we can't type as fast as our minds race.

Well that's my philosophy on it anyway :oops:

just like to say YAY lets go playing in the snow :lol: :D 8) had to just go and buy an icecream to eat while standing in the snow. - has sort of become a habit, never let the good ole english weather provide an excuse not to have a good ice-cream.

well thats the positive bit done (I am trying) but thats prob been the best bit since my last message. Have found it very hard since Fri and my appoints. sat was worst but today not much better. I know there are people who want to keep me company on this journey but I feel that all I ever talk to them about is how I am feeling and never anything else. how boring and selfish of me. which is why I try and deal on my own - even when I know it makes it harder.

have to keep a food diary for 2 weeks which is hard - esp now I have to put down about the ice-cream (mint magnum by the way) but it seems that I may get some help from the EDU, although how long it will be i have no idea.

anyway my eyes are really playing up - prob cause late wiv my meds by over 24 hrs so going to take them and lie down.

oh yeah agree about ramblings being the only way to get stuff out and think it relfects states of mind. I try not to read my posts back so I don't edit what has spilt out. my typing has definately got faster as well!!

Take it easy and hope you have all had a good weekend and that the coming week goes well.

Keep warm, dry, happy and safe.

Cheers

Hannah

I know what you mean about talking to people. I've got so used to listening to other peoples problems and mine always seem so insignificant. I now have a big problem talking to people, especially about myself. I like the annoyminity on here tho. I think thats why people write on here, you can talk about anything you want and devle into that guilty pleasure, talking about yourself! :shock: :D

I'm sorry to hear that you've had a bad weekend. Keep in touch on here tho wont you.

I've calmed down abit over the weekend, and now abit more level! I had a big snowball fight with half the street yesterday. It was great, love days like that. I didnt have any ice cream, it was dry pj's after and hot vimto in front of the fire!

Hope you have a better week.

The orb fairy

Oh yes - it is so much easier to listen to and help friends with their probs than try and work on the 'tiny' and 'insignificant' things that we are dealing with on a daily basis. :wink: :?

So far my week has been a bit better - I spent 5 hours both today and yesterday working in the pub - easier for me to get in than some of the others - but I have not been able to do any glass work as the college I work in has been closed due to the weather.

took loads of great photos yesterday and helped make a snowman that was over 7 foot tall. was good fun.

Keep warm, and stay in touch.

Girl

What is all this about having fun in the snow??? Goodness me - you will have the evil demon (depression) shaking at its knees :shock:

Well done the both of you and here's hoping your happier times continue.

Girl - what little problems?

Nobody has little problems - that is just you being modest or you seeing yourself as less important than the next person. :oops:

It doesn't matter in the slightest what a persons problem is - when they have a problem and it is affecting their day to day living then it is a big problem.

I don't have much time but I will very quickly try and explain:

When my dad died a friend of mine lost her grandad a couple of weeks later. She rang me in floods of tears and I listened and tried to console her as best I could. Of course, I cried along with her (thinking about my own loss). After the tears and chatting etc she stopped, went very quiet then apologised for being so selfish and inconsiderate.

Her reason for apologising was because she thought her losing her grandad was so insignificent to me losing my dad. :oops:

Well of course it wasn't!

Like I told her then - her pain was no less than my pain - because that was the first time she had ever experienced losing someone close to her. So her problem was just as big as mine.

What I'm trying to say is through life we all stumble upon obstacles, they are what makes us who we are each day. So every obstacle we come across is no smaller or bigger than the next persons obstacle.

We just learn how to deal with the obstacles. Sometimes we get lost and can't find the solution, so this hold us un on our journey - but in the end we get there - as you will get there.

Another quick example:

We have a young person started at our place of work. It can be a very stressful job and we can hear very stressful and upsetting things. The young person has had more tears, absences due to stress related illness than the rest of us. This doesn't mean what she has heard or experienced in work is worse than what the rest of us have, nor does it mean she is weaker than the rest. It is because we have come across these obstacles before and had to learn how to deal with our own emotions at the time. The young person will one day learn to do the same.

LOL, have I made any sense or as usual am I just rambling :roll: :oops:

Got to go, hope you both have another good day

Melbi x

Sorry, was meant to reply to you too Orb but got so carried away with my rambling I completely forgot :roll:

Yes, I agree, it is much, much easier to come on here and pour out all our feelings and emotions than it is to do it face to face with some one.

I think that isn't just due to being able to hide behind the screen though. I think it also has to do with the fact that we can ramble on and on and not have to worry we are taking up someones time.

Even therapy has a time scale and we are always aware of the amount of time we have left and so a lot of things get left unsaid and left in the depths of our minds.

Here, we can type away to our hearts desire and more importantly, when it is at a time that suits us! No need to wait for that weekly appointment, which, by the time that appointment arrives we have probably gathered even more baggage, which yet again gets left behind.

I truly believe that Patient UK Forums helped me recover far quicker than I would have done through therapy alone.

I'll see if I can dig out an old rambling post of mine from back around February last year - then neither of you will ever worry aboutr rambling here again lol.

Okay, I really must dash now - I couldn't have gone to work knowing I hadn't replied to you though Orb, I'd have worried all day that you might have thought I was ignoring you then if you had thought that and I had worried all day, neither of us would be having a good day!

See? I'm the best rambler around :D

love

Melbi x

I'm back on that slippery slope again! (get it? Slippery! Snow! haha!) (god even lost my sense of humour!) I'm trying really hard to stay positive, but i've got the blues again!

i feel like i'm making ever soo small achievements, but it's like a house of cards! a slight breeze or uncontrolled sneeze and the whole thing comes down!

Last night someone said to me that depression wasnt really an illness, and that got me thinking all over again! am i really ill? That's the thing with talking to real people, they always make me feel like i'm being daft!

Thats the diffrence with posting on here, i can say anything really and pour out whats going on in my head.(well not everything or else i would write all kinds of nonsense for hours on end!lol)

It does make me feel better to post on here, i think it has helped me come out of my latest bout of hopelessness! And it makes it even better when someone replies, coz i know real people dont want to talk to me!

Not that people on here arent real, you know what i mean! Oh god gonna dig myself into a hole here!lol

Melbi, hope you have a good day, sounds like we're both worriers and theres always summat to worry about isnt there!

Thanks for thinking about me, you cant know what it means.

And Girl, i hope your feeling better today.

Thanks Melbi, you're right and yes I do think my problems are less important than other people, I would go as far as saying other people are more important than me as well. I am only here to help others and it doesn't matter what happens to me. I do get what you were saying though, I just have to get it to stay in my head long enough that I can remember it.

Orb Fairy, going back to one of the earlier posts on this thread - I spend quite a bit of time fighting with myself as well. When you have been like this for ages and then there is a chance you won't be it is very strange. To have the extreme changes in mood that we can experience and then try and work out how we would be without them is very strange and quite scary. I now I can't imagine being different but at teh same time don't want to spend all my life feeling so torn up and messy.

anyway better go and do something with my day - even if it is just going into town and seeing the snow before it all goes.

hope you have both had good days.

girl

[u:2c6a9b1038][b:2c6a9b1038]I'm back on that slippery slope again! (get it? Slippery! Snow! haha!) [/b:2c6a9b1038][/u:2c6a9b1038](god even lost my sense of humour!) I'm trying really hard to stay positive, but i've got the blues again!

i feel like i'm making ever soo small achievements, but it's like a house of cards! a slight breeze or uncontrolled sneeze and the whole thing comes down!

Last night someone said to me that depression wasnt really an illness, and that got me thinking all over again! am i really ill? That's the thing with talking to real people, they always make me feel like i'm being daft!

Thats the diffrence with posting on here, i can say anything really and pour out whats going on in my head.(well not everything or else i would write all kinds of nonsense for hours on end!lol)

It does make me feel better to post on here, i think it has helped me come out of my latest bout of hopelessness! And it makes it even better when someone replies, coz i know real people dont want to talk to me!

Not that people on here arent real, you know what i mean! Oh god gonna dig myself into a hole here!lol

Melbi, hope you have a good day, sounds like we're both worriers and theres always summat to worry about isnt there!

[u:2c6a9b1038][b:2c6a9b1038]Thanks for thinking about me, you cant know what it means.[/b:2c6a9b1038][/u:2c6a9b1038]

And Girl, i hope your feeling better today.[/quote:2c6a9b1038]

Hi Orb,

It snow problem lol - geddit? It's no problem :oops: Try and not let the down days get you down too much. It does seem like it's 3 steps forward 4 back at times but try and hold onto the good days, those memories and not dwell on the bad days!

I used to think as depression as a thing - I don't know - not a person but a living thing. I felt I could deal with it better that way. An evil demon that has nothing better to do than try and drag me into the dark pits with it for company. It gave me a tool to fight it that way.

Listen to me Orb and listen very carefully - DEPRESSION [u:2c6a9b1038][b:2c6a9b1038]IS [/b:2c6a9b1038][/u:2c6a9b1038]AN ILLNESS

And don't you ever be told otherwise. It is an imbalance of a chemical in the brain. Ignore the ones who try and tell you to pull yourself together too! Yes! I do believe we have to fight it as hard as we can and not just sit back and give in to it - but it is more than obvious that you are trying all you can to beat this ILLNESS - so keep fighting it.

Yes I'm a born worrier and trust me I really do know how much a reply here means :wink:

I had a reasonable ish day lol - can't expect too much due to the pain - that tends to get to me most days and it keeps trying to entice the demon back but so far I'm fighting it pretty well.

How has your day been - list all the crap stuff first then finish with the good stuff eh? :wink:

Hey another thing I forgot to say many a post back - your daughter? apologies if it's son. She thinks you are the best thing ever - if you woke in the morning with 3 horns and a green face she would still adore you. You are her mum and nobody can ever replace that bond.

I don't know how old she is but if you think she is old enough, perhaps you could explain your illness to her (on her level) ????? Only you know your daughter well enough to know if that would be of help or not to her (and to you). Of course, you aren't going to give her all the gory details :shock: but children can be quite good at understanding things even we as adults can't understand. Either way, she loves you no matter what.

Look forward to reading your next post

Melbi x

Thanks Melbi, you're right and yes I do think my problems are less important than other people, I would go as far as saying other people are more important than me as well. I am only here to help others and it doesn't matter what happens to me. I do get what you were saying though, I just have to get it to stay in my head long enough that I can remember it.

Orb Fairy, going back to one of the earlier posts on this thread - I spend quite a bit of time fighting with myself as well. [u:9675f93c4b][b:9675f93c4b]When you have been like this for ages and then there is a chance you won't be it is very strange. To have the extreme changes in mood that we can experience and then try and work out how we would be without them is very strange and quite scary.[/b:9675f93c4b][/u:9675f93c4b] I now I can't imagine being different but at teh same time don't want to spend all my life feeling so torn up and messy.

anyway better go and do something with my day - even if it is just going into town and seeing the snow before it all goes.

hope you have both had good days.

girl[/quote:9675f93c4b]

i felt just like that Girl when I started recovering around June/July. It becomes a part of you doesn't it?

Now I don't want to sound like I am absolute nutcase :shock: :oops: but when my last bout of depression left me (and yes, in a way I felt scared and alone for a while) I used to 'bring' it back - just for a short while - maybe it made feel a little secure or something - I don't know, but I do know what you mean.

So how did I 'bring the demon back?' LOL okay well I used to put my headphones on, lie on my bed in darkness and play this song by these 2 people: (Click Here)

It isn't really bringing the demon back - but every time I did that, and even now months later if I feel low, sad or stressed I will lie down in the dark with headphones on and listen to that song because that songs reminds me of my darkest hours - it doesn't mean I'm being morbid or dwelling on the sadness - it just helps me realise how lucky I am now to be here posting to people who are where I was and could easily find myself again. It gives me comfort somehow but at the same time it gives me that quiet time I need to sort things in my head.

I think its all part of learning how to survive depression (ILLNESS) <<<reminder there for Orb :D

So girl, I think it is okay and quite normal to feel afraid of what you will be when the depression leaves you - it will be like having a new you and you are going to have to learn all about that new you - but hey - it's exciting too :D

Post again soon

love

Melbi x

http://experience.patient.co.uk/discussion.php?t=21088

I'm sharing these with you in the hope that you can see some light at the end of your tunnels.

Melbi xx

It makes me soo sad when u say ur not as important as anyone else.! Of course you are, your probably the most important person in peoples lives!! Of course i know you wont believe me, i dont believe it when its said to me. Most of the time i truely believe no one would miss me if i disappeared.

I've made some very bad judgements, and after i had my daughter and came out of an abusive relationship i found out who my friends really are.

It still upsets me sometimes(well most of the time) when the people i thought of as friends and was always there for, havent got time for me any more. I might need them now so they've done a runner.

But i'm slowly begining to realise that there is someone out there that really does want to talk to me, that laughs at my jokes acts daft with me and will be an ear if i ever need one.

You might not know it yet but there will be someone close to you who will be that person for you.

What is it people say \" you need to love yourself blah, blah\" but its probably true! :oops:

Its an awful state to be in, wanting to get better but scared that you will!

Its sounds soo stupid. :oops: But for the normo's out there its like someones told you have to do everything left handed from now on(or right handed if your a southpaw)! Could they do it? would it be easy to just stick to what they know?

Soz, going on with myself again!

You are important and it matters what happens to you.

Hope to read your reply.

Take care

The orb fairyxx

WOW that was a ramble and a half! I am genuinely impressed! :o I sometimes get like that, i think thats why i talk to myself! I cant help it, its just gotta come out of me!!

I'm trying to stay on top of things but not easy! I get so worried about my ups and downs! how can i fight something i cant see? I'm also getting myself worked up about the appointment with a psychiatrist! i've been sat here trying to diagnose myself, which is the worse thing you can do!!lol

My daughter is 6, and shes knows mummy has medicine for her head but thats all i've told her. I know she loves me very much and she is everything i want her to be! She is my shining star in my otherwise dark life!But i'm too dependant on her! sometimes the only way i can get through a day is just to do stuff for her(feed her, get her to school etc)

Not to many positives today although i've just got the recipe for a carrot cake. Thats my task for tomorrow! :lol: Still cant get used to doing something just for myself, the cake will be for both of us but it keeps me occupied.

Sorry to hear you that your still having pain.

Thanks for your reply

The orb fairy.xx