Why did I give in to my urges?

Posted , 5 users are following.

I am feeling terrible sad the last few weeks have been bad again - not wanting to do anything and not caring either.

Have been trying not to self harm in an obvious way so have been attacking my head - with thorns from brambles/roses and crafts knives. It doesn't seem to have the same effect - possibly cause I can't see the damage. Anyway on Sun I was looking for some batteries (my cd player ran out) and found scalpel blades instead. :cry: sad :oops: Ashamed of what I did with them but what I am more scared of was the fact that I forgot how down I was while I was doing it. I feel very bad about doing what I did :oops: :cry: :oops: :cry: but I know I can't let one slip ruin everything. at the same time I am scared to be on my own now. I stayed with friends last night but can't today. I have appoints with cpn etc at end of the week, although I did spk to her today and she said I can ring tomorrow if I need to.

So disappointed with myself. :cry: Silly thing is part of me feels better now I have done it. I don't really want that cause then I will do it again.

sorry for disjointed ramble - thought if put it in writing then I'm not going to be thinking about it all the time. not sure if it will work though.

sad :oops: :cry:

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  • Posted

    Lets forget about your recent self harming for the moment, (if I may ask) how old are you? How long has this been going on? smile
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  • Posted

    Have you let anyone else see the cuts? You should put something on them to keep them clean. Are you able to contact your GP? I can't really analyse your behavour. You probably know why you self harm.Does it feels better afterwards? It will take time to overcome this type of behavoiur. There is a list of distractions that can be downloaded from other websites. Some people find an elastic band on the wrist helpful. You need to be able to discuss your inner distress with somebody. Take care Pooh.
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  • Posted

    Hi there Dr_Spock and Pooh bear

    Thanks for messages.

    I'm 32 and have suffered from depression/self harm/eating disorder etc for about 15 years. I was first ill when doing my A levels and wasn't well for about 3 or 4 years. I wasn't ready to talk about things then so it ended up that nothing was really done (my feelings, I am sure the professionals had a different view on things) I have old scars from cuts and burns and now some new ones.

    I recently graduated from doing a degree and it was during the 2nd year of that when everything started going wrong again (about 3 years ago now). I have had periods during that time when I haven't been too bad but certainly haven't got back to my previous state of mind/health.

    I am now on 225mg Venlafaxine and although this seemed to help for a while I have slipped down big time. I hardly eat, seem to live off coffee, fags and beer. I know I shouldn't drink on meds but I just don't care anymore and when I am around people in the pub I am not on my own therefore, in my head, safer.

    Had assessment appoint yesterday for psychotherapy but she reckoned I need a different type of help at the moment and suggested my consultants appoint to be moved closer. Had cpn appoint today, she reckons I need to get some sleeping tablets and maybe have my meds changed. I HATE TAKING TABLETS. Is going to get my appoint moved but will ring me and let me know. Think I can stay with someone tomorrow night but scared of myself on my own tonight.

    in one respect I am not like I was earlier in the year but I still can't stop thinking things, not getting anything done re my work etc and don't know what to do. At least not eating and losing weight has given me something to concentrate on rather than how I feel all the time. Even so I feel like I have been shouting for help for ages and nothing is ever going to happen/change. Even me openly telling people hasn't done anything really so nothing will (unless I become more drastic??).

    Oh yeah Pooh, before I forget, the cuts have steri strips holding them together and are clean.

    take it easy and thanks again for replying.

    Hans

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  • Posted

    I have reccurent depression and take a combination of meds. Maybe you need something like this too. Obviously you are a bright and intelligent individual who is clearly suffering big time. Could you ring your consultants secretary to tell them how bad things have got. I'm unsure of the role of a CPN as I have never had one. I have had psychotherapy in the past and found that one to one therapy the most benefitial. I certainly felt better when my psychiatrist upped my meds and added in mirtazapine. I am on lithium and prothiaden. I am off mirtazapine. I hope that you start to feel better soon.
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  • Posted

    Hi grl just read your last post and 2 b honest it terrified me i have just read about myself cuts selfharm the feelings try 2 say how feel just get laughed at the whole package i didnt think any1 else could feel like this. At the moment my bigest fear in life is me iv taken a sudden drop and am strugglin big time not no wot goin 2 happen 2 me over next few months lost close friends and family members this year that would usualy play a huge part of my life and am feelin lost alone and very unstable and safe. I have been shoutin and screamin 4 help 4 that long iv given up it just fallin on deaf ears. I have had 2 up meds and see my phycotherapist every other day just 2 keep myself safe, wot a life. Have 2 go gettin angry wit self and upset take care b careful look after your self.
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  • Posted

    Hi

    Reading of your feelings/experiences and struggle to be heard has made me realise just how damn lucky I am to still be here.

    16/17 yrs ago I was sectioned for a total of 6 weeks due to depression. Reading of your depression, I look back and wonder why the hell did they section me and yet here you are crying out for help and nobody is listening to you.

    I doubt I would still be around today to type this but what was so different about me that caused them to section me?

    I didn't self harm, I didn't post of my depression or talk to anyone about it, I didn't cry out for help (or if I did, I'm not aware of doing so) I just - well I just remember doing things like walking out of the house and not telling anyone where I was going and not return for hours (usually after dark)

    Last thing I really remember before being sectioned was my GP sat holding my wrist as he waited for an ambulance and the local priest holding my other hand. :shock: Even to this day I still havent got a clue how or why they were there with me at my home while my babies slept in bed.

    Was I really that bad or have things changed so much on the nhs that nobody really gives a xxxx about people suffering mental illness?

    I don't think I was that bad - ceratinly not as desperate as you both sound now - and yet here you both are not getting the help you have both very obviously cried out for.

    I wish I knew what to say to you, but I'm speechless :oops: I really am, I'm disgusted at the pro's who are dealing with your illness and wonder what the hell are they thinking about.

    Girl, my suggestion to you would be to walk into your nearest A&E and make a loud enough noise about needing help.

    Wishing you both the best for the future

    love

    melbi xxx

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  • Posted

    I suspect you are suffering from vitamin and mineral deficiencies across the board [b:6af442c74a]Girl[/b:6af442c74a], if you could try to eat one balanced meal a day and take a multivitamin I promise you will begin to feel a tiny bit better smile
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  • Posted

    Hello girl, just reading your recent post and was so upset by it, I hope you are okay and are getting the help that you need, I have been depressed for a lot of years on and off due to a lot of illness and a terrible past, I once had an eating disorder which was a big battle to overcome I also still get urges so I know how that feels and what dr spock said about the vitamins, you need more then that, I feel that was a stupid thing to say, that is the last thing you would think about when you are so depressed, you need alot of care and to be listened to and I hope you get it. Take care :blackcat:
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  • Posted

    Hi Cats Eyes

    Cheers for your post, I didn't want to reply to Dr Spocks post cause it did upset me. sad I know what he is saying and yes I know it may help but it also made feel like that is how I am seen, someone to be dismissed with something easy. (sorry Dr Spock I know you posted what you did for a good reason and I just didn't expect my reaction to it) I know I need help to overcome the eating problem as well as my depression but feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

    Am on resperidone now for anxiety/to help me sleep. only 1mg but I was so spaced out yesterday on it only took 0.5 last night. Not sure about taking it at all but I have been so buzzy recently I said yes when it was suggested last week.

    I hope you are well.

    take it easy

    hans

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  • Posted

    Im sorry my post upset you I certainly never ment to dismiss your illness, your diet just seemed a easier (and more pressing) issue for you to concentrate on / deal with rather than the other self harm smile
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  • Posted

    Thats ok Dr Spock I know you meant well.

    I had another psychotherapy assessment appointment last week and and have been put on the waiting list for individual therapy. It's only about a 12 months long but better than nothing. I have a psychiatrist appointment on thurs and have been told to try and get a referal to the edu re my eating. Have dropped about 2 - 3 dress sizes in the last 6 weeks or so. reseridone seems to be working re me sleeping and being less anxious but I keep on taking it too late so making getting into work on time a bad thing.

    Better go as using my landlords internet - haven't got anything set up fo me yet, hope it will be soon.

    Hope everyone is well

    Hans

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  • Posted

    Yes its imperative you get a referral to the EDU ASAP sad

    Are you still getting about OK, any new or worsening pains, loss of stamina or anything? smile How tall are you,, how much do you weigh? :oops: :D

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  • Posted

    Hi there dr spock

    apart from the usual struggle getting out of bed and facing the day I am ok (or am I? not sure)

    I make myself run into work but can't manage it sometimes and have to walk sad I can usually run most of the way home again smile sad smile

    I am about 5'7/5'8 but have no idea how much I weigh. I know I was prob overweight but if I weigh myself I may get obsessed with that as well which will not help me. I am using the knowledge of when I had something like this before. Which is good cause I know not to be too fast about losing weight otherwise people will notice. I also know how much I can eat to keep doing the things I have to - also so people don't realise what I am doing. I am managing to stay off the lax/diuretics ( have had a couple of lapses but still managing not to take them) I used them alot before - prob why people noticed - but I know they aren't good for me and don't evacuate anything faster anyway so not going there. When I was ill before with this I was 7 stone something before I started getting better.

    I am scared that if I get help i will loose the only safety net I have. I have had this in the background for 15 years and am really scared of losing it. but then am I losing it anyway, albeit in a different way?

    I sometimes have trouble focusing my eyes but not sure if that is anything to do with my diet or my meds.

    Find it very hard to talk about this so maybe will print this off and take with me tomorrow.

    feeling so low today. really hate myself :twisted: :evil: :cry:

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  • Posted

    Hello Girl, I can really relate to you as I also know how much to eat just to keep myself going, I had an eating disorder a few years ago and I still now to this date still watch my weight, I am a lot better now with my weight but before it was a real problem, I saw all kinds of doctors and cpn's and I even took an overdose because I couldn't take anymore, since then I have had terrible health problems, I nearly died from a brain abscess it made me have a stroke, lost my speech, I am better but have health problems and now I have been recently diagnosed with M E, which was a shock, but I am still here and still fighting, so don't give up, its really hard I know, I have bad days, don't like going out, I found that doctors would not listen and still don't listen to me which is frustrating because all I want is their support, if you need to talk about anything just send me a message I will try to help if I can, just make yourself be heard, take care :wink:
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  • Posted

    Thanks so much Cats Eyes.

    I am glad you have managed to find a way to deal with it but sad you have had so much pain as well.

    I am not feeling so depressed today but maybe that is because I have made a concerted effort to have hardly anything to eat for the last day or so. had 150gm of prawns yesterday and a couple of chews. so far today have managed to not eat at all. do have a banana next to me incase but it feels good to ignore it. :lol: I can cope with the dizziness and tingling I get cause I know whats caused it is my self control. I think my heart still hasn't recovered from the grief I gave it last time I was ill but not doing lax etc now so shouldn't be too bad.

    I am still scared about my appoint later. Unfortunately I can't even print my posts off as the library is shut and my printer at home is bust so will have to try and let them know how I am feeling myself. At least I don't have to work tonight.

    oh yeah, I think another reason I feel better (but also worse) is that I couldn't sleep last night so rather than lie there waiting I started to exercise. I have tried really hard not to do that cause I know is a slippery slope. At least when I jog to and from work there is a reason for me exercising but exercise for the hell of it is too addictive and I am scared it will now become a routine.

    I really want to hurt myself but I am not allowing myself to cause I see my bf soon and he won't be happy if he sees more new scars. I have got out of family xmas though so thats one less hurdle, will catch up with them all in January.

    better run, got to try and get some work done before my appoint.

    take it easy and thanks for the support.

    Hans

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