Why did I give in to my urges?

hi guys

just to let you know referral is going to be sent to EDU after my appoint yesterday with psychiatrist.

feeling awful today. want to hide but have an 8 hr shift at the pub tonight. hate it don't want to be around anyone.

hope you all having a better day

h

Hi girl no just how u feel i am havin such a s*** time at work at the moment and my boss is such a selfish cow and has managed 2 turn most of the other staf against me, i tried 2 talk 2 her a while ago and explain a little of how i was feelin and that i suffered with deppresion but she has managed 2 turn it all around and use it against me. I am so low and feel im not wanted and wot ever i do its not good enough. I hate being around people and just want 2 b left alone curl up in bed and never have 2 move again. I see my pycologist every week and think ijust want 2 get it all out b4 i go in but when i get in i dont feel like talkin and just want 2 curl up in the corner then when i come out i get so angry with my self. Any way loosing intrest in talkin need2 go remember u not on your own (if only i could believe that myself) take care.

Aww shadow Im sorry to hear that, I personally would tell her to shove the stinking job up her rectum, nobody should have to work under such conditions :?

hey Shadow

I have spent most of this week hiding in bed, only getting out to work at the pub - not that I want to but otherwise I have no money to pay the rent. I didn't go to sleep til gone 6am this morning - too scared about my urges to cut myself - if I stopped reading they became unbearable and trying to have my room safe from that. Could have moved to another room but fought that as well. So I didn't cut myself - good, but my sleep is now so messed up it is stupid. Psychiatrist prescribed respiridone (1mg)to help with my anxiety and with sleeping. I was so wasted the first time I took a whole one that it has been halves ever since. Thing is they don't seem to be strong enough now. hardly slept at all even though went to sleep so late.

oh well I guess something will happen, just not sure what. no word re EDU referal but cause of holidays don't really expect anything for a while. Still not eating much, hate it when I do. people really noticing now, keep on saying congratulations, not realising I am still fat and horrid. They tell me to stop as look good. Lies, all lies i'm fat, ugly, horrid and useless they just can't see it. opps didn't mean to put all that but I have a rule that not allowed to deleate anything I write on here - if it needs to get out then I should let it.

off to work in the pub again

take care

Hans

Hi there girl

I wish i was as strong as u but unfortunatly im not im not able 2 get over the urges 2 cut and more i wish i did and believe me its not through lack of trying its gettin 2 b a normal and regular thing 4 me, so i just want 2 say huge well dones 2 u 4 being so strong :ok: :hug:. I wish i wsa able 2 b left alone and just curl up in my bed and just do wot i want but i find it a visious circle im told its ok 2 do that sometimes but then i start 2 beat self up because i feel like im not doin enough 2 help my self and then wot right have i got 2 ask 4 help if im not willing 2 help myself then 2 cope with that i use work as an escape so i dont have 2 think or deal with stuff, then i work myself 2 death and am that knackered i cant do anything and the depression and moods get worse. I feel as im living as 2 people i know wot im doing is wrong and not healthy but i have another voice telling me if i dont do it im giving in and a weak and quiter and unworthy person, this all just aplies 2 me i have great respect and thumbs up 2 any1 else who can have the strength 2 do this and not b a cowered like me. Im hoping my sleep paterned sorts its self out soonit is starting 2 take its tol on me over the last couple months i dont think iv had any more than 3 hours sleep a night so bless u i no how u feeling. Please b carefull with the eating issues im not goin 2 go on as i dont no much about the situation and im not a hypocrite, (i hate it when people try 2 tell me wot 2 do and they dont no wot they talkin about or understand) anyway u stay strong and keep up the good work and do as u want in your own time. Take care.

Hi Girl

I've been reading through this thread and i want to say - i am very sympathetic to you and to how you are feeling. I was in a similar situation till about a month ago. I have recently started taking Mirtazapine and its the first time in the last 4 years that i feel as normal as possible. I have had a weight issue for the last 11 years or so as well - and it yoyo's between underweight and overweight - never any middle ground. If i was you - i would not even go near weighing scales - i am saying this from experience cos i have an absolute obsession with them - i go through phases when i weigh myself constantly - and if i don't like what i see - i starve myself, or binge - depending on what it shows me. I used to self harm pretty badly too - and only in the last month or so - thanx to the 30mg Mirtazapine i am on - have i felt in control of the situation. Are you on any medication? maybe you should suggest this to you gp? the gp wanted to section me a month ago - and its only because my family and friends have no idea of my situation and how bad it is - that i begged for her not to do it. its only when i realised what was about to happen that i had to take a reality check and start taking control of things. even now - i have my down days - but thank god they are a lot less frequent than they used to be. I feel for you - and you should make use of these forums to get support (even if only mentally) that you may not be getting from elsewhere.

God bless -

thank you so much for your message anon238

I am on meds - venlafaxine 225mg and somethinf to help me sleep. I don't go nea scales cause will get obsessed. have to go - landlord wants to go to bed and using his computor so will carry this post on another time

Take care

hans

hi Girl

Hope you are doing better. I have had alot of 'off' days recently - i have a good but high demanding job.. and some days i just sit infront of my computer, stare at the screen, and have no idea whether im coming or going. Can't do a thing. I am not one for opening up to people.. i can never talk.. so i find this forum very useful. From what i've read, you and several others are going through pretty much similar stuff to what im going through.. its a comfort to know that - because sometimes, more than anything, it just feels like i am all alone in this big bad world..

I am really worried about the side effects of the meds im taking too - and have in the last week or so become obsessed with exercising, and the scales and my eating patterns have become so erratic. Its scary - cos everytime i self harm, everytime i almost pass out through exhaustion cos of the strain my body goes through in the severe exercising i do.. it just doesn't seem to make things better! I cannot seem to find a way to control my weight loss/weight gain and just be a normal weight. I guess its just an excuse - if i focus on my weight issues, i will forget everything else - but the obsession is scary - only i can't stop myself.

Anyway - hope ur doing ok - take care!

Hi there anon

took some of my work over to paris at the begining of this week. Managed to get through meeting etc but have been feeling so down for past week or so. Only good this is the jeans I bought at xmas are already too big and I can pull them down withought undoing them. Feeling really bad though as have eaten loads for the past 2 days and now hating myself for it. Really want to hurt myself and punish myself for being so weak but also have no energy to do it. Feel like giving up today.

It has been nearly a month since I was told a referal would go in for me to the local edu. I don't think she did it - doesn't believe me cause still stupid and fat. hate being on my own, everything just gets 100's of times worse. spent most of today in bed and haven't left the flat at all.

Hope you doing better and that all is well

Hans

Just to let you guys know - I messed up yesterday and gave in to my urges to cut. I now have 5 stitches and am waiting to hear from my cpn re what happens next. I saw the duty psychiatrist when I was in A & E and he was going to fax his notes over to the cmht today.

still feel crap but also totally empty and floating along. Have managed to get out of bed and into work - don't have internet at home and wanted to post.

Hope you all doing ok.

take care

Hans

Hi girl sorry 2 hear goin through rough patch, i think u did well 2 control the urges 4 so long but sometimes we just not able 2 take it any more. This last few months iv been struggling big time and have been in hospital and extra help with the phcycolagist, last week it all snapped i not take any more am havin bouts of cycotic episodes i hate who i am (if im honest i dont no who i am) Have walked out of my job it was killin me literaly spent the last 2 weeks in tears and cuttin no job is worth that the way iv been treated has realy knocked me down got nothing left. At the moment im numb and exhausted i feel like im living in a bubble under water head is feelin full and blur im lookin at things not able take things in not no wot real or not or if im hearin thing or its in my head only here in body on auto some how. :?

Take care to all u guys

P.S girl u havnt messed up

Hi shadow

Good to hear you have left your job - it definately wasn't doing you any favours! I have a feeling I have already replied to your post so sorry if I am repeating myself. Is the extra help doing any good?

feeling flat again - have been since Mondays incident. saw cpn today and she reckons I should take my respiridone regularly at the mo rather than when I get really anxious. don't like taking tabs but will see. seeing her again nxt week.

haven't got any work done this week at all which isn't what should be happening but I can't get the cotton wool out of my head. feel frozen, not cold just numb frozen.

anyway going for coffee and ciggie now - ignoring the hunger pangs!

cheers and well done again for leaving the job

Hannah

Hi Girl and Shadow

I know what the both of you are going through - I've been pretty out of it the last few weeks. I've lost my job thanx to the credit crunch, the one thing that was keeping me sane, and above water. without it, i'm nothing. i feel as though my entire identity has been snatched from me. I overdosed on pills and alcohol - raided every cupboard stash i cud find. spent a few days in hospital after being pumped, and then just spent a week in bed. i've got a problem. i have lost the ability to cry. i haven't cried in over a month - its almost like i have no tears left. im walking around like a zombie now. i am a complete failure. i've screwed up my family life, i've screwed up with my friends, and now i've lost my career - the only thing i was relying on.. so i've pretty much screwed up everything i had. i wish i hadn't been found after the OD. i just don't want to go on. everyone's keeping a vigil on me - i feel like im in prison. im the biggest failure around..

anon

Hi anon, 4 years ago the same happened the difference being i had been sufferin depression for about 15 years previous and was trying 2 deal with it in silence (no meds no gp no family or freinds i told no1 not even in the bad times and believe me it was pure hell) wot pushed me over the top was i lost my job, home, my income, pushed all my friends and family away and refused 2 ask 4 help or let any1 in and then my best friend the only person i talked 2 or trusted comited suicide and died in my arms and that finished me. I had all the wrong thoughts and acted on them just kept telling myself i had nothing left i felt like a prisoner constantly being watched over but it was 4 my own safty. Then istarted 2 talk 2 people a little (only my gp and psycologist) and acept help i had no choice, things started 2 improve and after 20 months i went back 2 work but still seeing my gp and psycologist and i still am on a regular basis. In the last 2 months things have started 2 get bad again but now im on my last legs and have nothin left my job being the main problem so the only thing left 2 do was quit before i ended back at square 1 there was no gettin through 2 my boss and the work load was unreal i was doin 70+ hours a week thats no joke. i no its hard 2 take in at the moment but u are NOT a failure and not screwed up take some time out 4 yourself it will get better 1 day at a time and its about wot u want 2 do and how u r the only 1 who knows how u feel and when u r ready. Stay strong and take care. :hug: