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why do i hurt the ones i love

Posted , 4 users are following.

simon8173
simon8173

Ok, so I have depression again. I've been ok for many years but it's back in all its gruesome form. I know I will get through this again but the toll it has taken on my wife, whom I love so much, is devastating. Not sure if leaving her is best thing to do for her sanity and for the kids. I just can't stand by and watch her being mentally destroyed by me and my selfish condition....

2 likes, 24 replies

24 Replies

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  • lisalisa67
    lisalisa67 simon8173

    Posted

    Look when you dont feel right or feel well it creates a host of emotional problems. Anger and impatience are a standard part of depression and anxiety. This is all very frustrating on so many levels. Have you seen a therapist? Have you used medicatiins to help? There are options and help available. The fact you recognize your behavior is commendable and huge! This is an illness, yes it seems  like selfish behavior but its different because you get zero gains from it, you are miserable yourself. So its an illness and you arent a bad person who should be outcasted into solititude. Seek some outside help and get some relief. You are not alone ine drop here.
  • Bluebell21
    Bluebell21 simon8173

    Posted

    Hi there

    I can't tell you how much I feel for you.  I have suffered depression and anxiety for more years than I can remember and I always felt that I was somehow punishing my late husband.  I have no idea why he put up with me for nearly 30 years.  

    Have you sat down and discussed your illness wtih your wife and family?  Depression is an illness.  It is not something that we choose to have.  I am guessing you take antidepressants?  If not, as lisa has said it would be a good idea to try to get an appointment with your GP.

    I completely understand where you are coming from when you question yourself as to whether you should leave your wife. All that would do is to make your depression worse and to leave your wife and children in a much worse position.  You said that you know you will get past your depression.  If you know what the triggers are, is there any way that you could explore these triggers wtih someone from MIND?

    I am so sorry if what I am saying is too obvious, but sometimes when we are in a deep dark hole we can't see the wood for the trees.

    Depression is not a selfish condition.  It is a serious illness which affects us in a very severe way.  I also suffer with Fibromyalgia and CFS which can also be seen by others as a selfsih condition,  Please try to stop being so hard on yourself about something you cannot do anything about.  

    I hope that in some very small way this may help.  I really don't think leaving your wife would solve anything - it would just make things a whole lot worse.  I do understand your thinking though.  

    • simon8173
      simon8173 Bluebell21

      Posted

      Thank you bluebell21 for your kind words. Yes, I have seen my GP and am now taking medication. Reading your message I understand the further hurt I would cause by leaving my family. I guess it's just so difficult to think straight when you feel like your losing your mind. I think I do know the triggers to my condition and I'm hoping I can change my lifestyle to accommodate this. I've never made any contact with MIND but I certainly will now. Thank you for your help and support.
    • Bluebell21
      Bluebell21 simon8173

      Posted

      You're so welcome. Don't forget that some meds can take 2-4 weeks to start working. 

      MIND are a wonderful organisation. I see my Project Worker when I'm feeling really bad.  She sits and listens and it really helps. As far as I'm concerned anything is worth a shot. 

      You're right. It's petrifying when you feel like you're losing your mind and you have a family to support. Being widowed at 49 has meant I'm bringing my children up alone and they rely solely on me. 

      I'm sure you must feel the pressure too being the head of the household. 

      Communication with your wife is very important. Being able to talk over your fears of losing her due to your depression could be a turning point, but that's obviously very much your decision. 

      All I know is that depression is the pits.  

      If you'd like to keep chatting we can swap tips. I have a very good idea how you're feeling but you've made a very big step by 'talking' about it here, so hats off to you 

      Take care of yourself and please feel free to message me back. 

    • simon8173
      simon8173 Bluebell21

      Posted

      Thank you bluebell21. I've already started to try and make more sense of what's happening to me, had a really helpful chat with my wife tonight. I'm certain support and conversation goes all long why to helping people who are sufferinging, often in silence. I would like to stay in touch, I'm sure there's plenty of dark days ahead and sharing them does help.

       thanks bluebell21, will catch up with u tomorrow, about to take my sleeping pill so it's off to zombie land for me!!

    • Bluebell21
      Bluebell21 simon8173

      Posted

      I'm so so pleased you've managed to have a chat with your wife. That's fantastic news smile I'm pretty sure if you keep communication open with your wife it will help tremendously. Let's keep chatting. I'm typing on my phone atm which takes forever so will reply properly after I've taken my pain meds. Til later my friend. Blue
    • Bluebell21
      Bluebell21 simon8173

      Posted

      Hi again

      How are you coping today?  I forgot to say earlier that with something as huge as depression it's always best to remember to take baby steps and not try to do everything at once. 

      Sitting down with your wife and telling her that you are seeking help is such a great step to take. Begin with telling her how much you love her. 

      Let me know how you are if you can. Blue 

    • simon8173
      simon8173 Bluebell21

      Posted

      Hi Blue,

      having a reasonably non-eventful day which suits me nicely. How are you doing?

    • Bluebell21
      Bluebell21 simon8173

      Posted

      That's good to hear smile Not doing so good today. I have a massive problem with my shoulder and am waiting to see a physio. Waited 3 months so far. The pain is hell. Certainly doesn't help the depression. Still have to plod on. No choice. Sorry to be so down. 

      Please keep in touch. Blue 

    • simon8173
      simon8173 Bluebell21

      Posted

      Hey blue, never apologise for feeling low, we're all in the same boat. Sorry to hear about your shoulder, not much fun having physical pain whilst dealing with depression I imagine. But you sound like a fighter to me and betting we will be talking about this in better times ahead 😊
    • simon8173
      simon8173 Bluebell21

      Posted

      Strange how quick things change. Was having a good day today but looks like the wife doesn't want to talk tonight, so disappointed.
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 simon8173

      Posted

      Simon don't assume your wife does not want to talk, she probably has no idea what to say and whatever we say sometimes can be taken the wrong way I know I used to feel like I was treading on egg shells for fear of saying the wrong thing.  I found a really useful tool that helped, so if my husband looked fed up with me I would say you look fed up with me or the look you gave me indicated you are pi**ed off so basically I would ask further questions and more often than not he told me he was tired.  More often depression makes us feel and assume things that are totally incorrect.  I remember having psychotic episodes and my brain told me we were under nuclear attack of course I was very wrong but at the time I was ill I believed it.  Our brains distort things, hope that helps.
    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 Bluebell21

      Posted

      What a coincidence Blue, I just got back from my third visit to physio for terrible shoulder pain, it got so bad I was finding it hard to dress myself or put a coat on.  My physio found a muscle at the back of my shoulder which was causing all the problem and he has designed excercises for me which have helped very much, but not totally.  I can so identify with what you are experiencing, I had a long wait too, but once you get there, they are very good, kind and understanding. 

      Physical pain certainly adds to mental pain.....much more than people would understand.  Hang on in there....and as you say...plod on.  But keep that chin up and never give up.

      Patxxxxx

    • Bluebell21
      Bluebell21 simon8173

      Posted

      Sorry to hear that my friend. I'm just throwing this out there, but feel free to be honest with your response. Have you ever thought about writing your wife a letter?  Something she could read in her own time, on her own. You could explain a little bit about how your depression affects you and how you worry for your wife and your children. Not looking for sympathy of any kind, just how you feel. An important thing I learned a long time ago was never to say "you make me feel" but to say, when you do blah "I" feel blah blah. 

      I don't think I'm explaining this very well, but hopefully you get the kind of idea. If you think it's a crap idea we can think again. 

      I suffer physical pain every single day, just some days are worse than others. It gets so draining. 

      I've had a small row with my kids tonight so feel really down. As you say, depression can change so quickly. 

      Try not to be too disappointed.  Blue 

       

    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 simon8173

      Posted

      Sorry, Simon, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but I really needed to reply to Blue.

      I am watching your thread with great interest, you are a very intelligent, well balanced person, I am sure you will get through this, just take it slowly.

      Wishing you happiness,

      Patxxx

    • Bluebell21
      Bluebell21 patricia44773

      Posted

      Hello Pat

      I have Fibromyalgia on top of depression, anxiety and chronic fatigue. The Fibro pain is bad but this shoulder pain is hell. It had to be the arm and hand I use the most. 

      Like you I'm having problems doing the simplest of things. Did your shoulder pain come and go?  Some days are worse than others. Today even washing up has defeated me. 

      Was it a pulled muscle you have?  I'd be really interested to hear some more if you don't mind telling me?

      Trying to keep my chin up but definitely struggling at the moment. 

      Thanks so much for your kind message. 

      Blue xx

    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 Bluebell21

      Posted

      I am not ignoring you, Blue, I just have had a really busy time.  Would it be alright if I private messaged you? 

      Patxxxx

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