Why don't I understand my husband's addiction to alcohol?

I really hope your recovery continues. I will try to get my husband interested intreatment but he just won't engage with any health professionals unless he is very drunk, so it's all a waste of time, and he has early dementia now asa well, so maybe it's tume to say goodbye.

I will try very hard to stick with the valium tapering and the not smoking.

I could use 20 fags right now! Luckily I haven't got any and the craving will go away. It always does.

Stick with us, Tess. We'd like to be able to help you in whatever way we can. 

You probably don't know how much you.ve all helped.

I still have a stupid idea in my head that just stopping buying cans of beer would be brilliant!!!!

For me.

Husband reappeared briefly this morning then disappeared again. I do not mean he is a phantasm, just that he wandes off unpredictably, especially when drunk - which is all the time, except whilst asleep, during which he fights demons which sound very scary and worry both of us. So he wakes up at three a.m. and has another can of beer before going back to sleep and fighting with whatever he is seeing yet again. He finds this very frightening and I always cuddle him and try to help, but I'm wide awake by this time. Finally at six a.m. we fall into an exhausted sleep from which neither of us wakes until noon. This cannot be doing either of us any good.

Some years ago I read an article written by a woman whose husband was  an alcoholic, and she said that she had made the decision to stick by him because he was ill. That helped me a great deal. I made the same decision which is why, years later, X and I ares still together, still fighting demons together, still loving each other, and (for me) counting down the months when he will finally be released from this torment.

Um, I hate to be the one to say things like this, which is why I kept this sort of stuff in the other thread last night. But he will get worse as he gets nearer the timer. He is likely to become confused through hepatic encephalopathy, because of the toxins going to the brain and the end stages aren't particularly pleasant.

He should at the very least be on lactulose for this. Thiamine, vitamin B compound and folic acid wouldn't hurt either, certainly the former would help with dementia. The lactulose helps to extract the toxins which the liver will have stopped doing.

He's already quite confused but today I apologised  to him for not understanding his problems, which helped both of us a lot.

I understand that you know about the meds, but is he taking them, If nothing else, the thiamine and lactulose. From memory the thiamine tablet is small (I lose count of size and shape, as I take 9 meds a day) and lactulose is just like a thimble of honey which can be washed down with beer.

BTW I've tasted it and I think it's NASTY. Oh, I forgot - he takes thiamine if I remind him.  He has this strange idea that it will control cravings, so I'm not going to try to tell him what it's really for.

GP has put him on vitamin D3 as his levels were almost undetectable.

He only takes that if I remind him..........I've asked the GP and the pharmacist for a dossette box for him but although they always say WHAT A GOOD IDEA they still haven't produced the first one.

(Tess continues banging head on brick wall on behalf on husband.)

'In treating hepatic encephalopathy lactulose also works by reducing the absorption of ammonia from the gut. The liver normally breaks down ammonia, but in liver disease such as cirrhosis the blood may bypass the liver, allowing this poisonous substance to pass to the brain. Here it can impair brain function, causing confusion, drowsiness and finally coma. By acidifying the contents of the gut, lactulose reduces the absorption of ammonia from the gut, thereby preventing this complication of liver disease.'

It also makes sure all the toxins are dumped out on a regular basis.

We had kids long before the addictions arrived.

I am in treatment for mine now and I am doing well - and that seems to be making him worse.

Interestingly, though, a couple of days ago I said "Oh, I wish I had a cigarette" and he was  on my case immediately (DON'T - YOU'VE DONE SO WELL)

So, is he jealous that my treatment is so far successful? It may not remain so! I mean, I truly hope it does, but nothing is certain in this life.

You're absolutely right when you say he can't explain it to me, e.g. 

Me: Please don't open that can. Surely ten is enough?

Him: But I did the dishes!

Me: What has that got to do with the amount you're drinking?

Him:  And I washed the floor!!!! You're never satisfied!!!!!

Me:  But we weren't talking about housework, X, we were talking about beer.

Him:  Ok, I won't wash up tomorrow. You can do it for a change.

Me:  Doing the washing up has nothing whatever to do with the amount you drink.........

Him:  DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!! YOU TAKE VALIUM!!!!!!!!

(Husband goes 'out for a walk' but does not in fact return for three days, drunker if possible than ever before............

If this rings any bells with any of you, that would help me a lot.

There are, of course, very serious underlying issues related to his childhood which I cannot disclose here. He has steadfastly refused to seek counselling ("BUT I'VE TOLD YOU!!!!!!! NOBODY ELSE NEEDS TO KNOW!!!!!!!)

Oh, I am so sick of alcohol. I am going for a walk. Right past the sweetshop (Memo to self - do NOT buy fags.......)

Thank you, Lisa and everyone else. I am overwhelmed with the amount of time you have freely given to me.

It's fairly simple (the problem not the solution) and it applies to many things in life, not just drinking alcohol.

Well, he obviously still cares about you and whilst he can't see a way out for himself, he is proud that you are doing something right. Some times not being able to do something manifests it onto a self projection, by supporting you, he is in his own way doing something. Of course doing something for himself would be far better.

So no, I don't think he is jealous, I think he probably inside feels sad, that he isn't doing the same for himself. This can cause a great amount of cognitive dissonasence and there is two ways to deal with that, solve the problem or block it out - you don't need me to explain that one.

The discussion over the housework is merely his way of justifying his drinking, if he has done something good, then he should be allowed to drink.

As for opening the 10th or 11th can, alcoholics know they have had enough, when they fall asleep.

Thou canst not spell 'dissonance', but other than that I see exactly what you mean, and I have never thought about it like that before, so you are waking up parts of my brain which have tried to see logic where none exists.

At last AT LAST I understand all the comments about housework. I mean, that's amazing, after twenty five years of being bewildered by the non-sequiters. Of course, it makes sense now, and I can stop arguing with him about it. Yay!

Maybe it's'dissonence'? Not sure now - does it even matter?????

Thank you for your insights - they have helped me a lot. Truly. I am on my knees with gratitude to everyone who has helped me.

Could any of you tell my husband to stop drinking...................

I'm so sad for him.

That's how I work around that one.

Nobody can tell him to stop drinking (in a way that would do any good), but we can show him that there's a relatively easy way out, so that might lower the threshold. Even if he'll come talk to us here or over at Options Save Lives, we can tell him about some of the ways of going about it. I'm not surprised that he refuses to do something that doesn't work for him in the first place, so maybe let's get some different options in front of him. 

It sounds like he's a maintenance drinker (basically drinks all day long, every day). How many cans does he go through per day? Are they pint cans? 

BTW, does he take any meds? 

Thanks again to you all.

I guess I'm hoping that his liver isn't as hopeless as the docs say. Has he seen a hepatologist? 

By the way, I mentioned camprol to him and he said he'd had it (news to me -when and where did he get it????) and he also said it was useless.

Which just makes me think he didn't ACTUALLY want to stop drinking

His prognosis is approx 18months depending on how much alcohol he drinks - could be a lot less. He is very stubborn and refuses to go into hospital. I wish he's break his leg or something..........but I said that before.

Yes, on six cans a day he is pretty normal, but he feels that twelve is better and at least once a week disappears for a whisky binge in the park.

I have given up worrying - I am sad but all I can do support and try to help him and keep an eye on the children, who are all desolate, needless to say.  All your replies have been very, very helpful to me. Thank you for giving so freely and generously of your time.

I'm so sorry you and your family are are having to bear this and truly hope that if at all possible, things soon change for the better. 

Whichever way it goes, think of us when you need some support. 

He couldn't have made it up because he knew what it was as soon as I mentioned it and he is no expert on medications.

I do think of you all, all the time, and will be back when things get bad again - or maybe to give you the startling news that X has decided to have hospital treatment. Thank you for all your kindness - it reallt has helped me; it's calmed me down and a calmer me makes a calmer he, which can only be good. Mille remerciments. T.

RHGB knows more about Campral than I do, I'd thought you had to dry out for a week before starting it, but as I recall he mentioned that it can be used in the detox process as well. Perhaps it was only used for that and stopped because of some complication? Dunno. 

It is anti-craving, therefore when you have stopped drinking, say detoxed, it helps you to not relapse and helps with PAWS.

Ideally, you should detox for a week and take the Campral and then when your detox is finished, bearing in mind you won't have been drinking during detox, the Campral is up and running. It takes a week for it to dose up properly, which will have happened at the same time as your detox.

If there is a period between detox and taking Campral, you are at risk of relapsing. Campral is for those that want to work with it though. If you are insistent on drinking with it, it won't stop you. It will still having a numbing effect, so you could have a couple of pints and stop, but if you really want to push it, it won't stop you and there are no side effects to put you off.

I wouldn't have flatly refused the Librium request. I would have said, yes that is a great idea but can we not get it from the GP, as it would be safer. It's no, but in a different non negative way. He for the first time has said he wants help and you said no.

I know you're thinking, for flips sake I never said it like that or meant it like that. Doesn't matter, it is how it is interpreted. He may genuinely want to try to sort things, but it is just as easy for an alcoholic to say, bugger it, where's that ringpull, time to crack another can and forget that idea.

So, you need to go and blow on those embers and see if you can gently get the fire going again. I was going to suggest you going to the GP and getting it for him, but in hindsight that wasn't such a good idea. Under the circumstances I'm not sure how to move forward with that one. I doubt the GP wants to hand over benzos to yourself.

Don't leave it to hope, you have to come up with a plan. When is his next liver unit appointment?

Of course he won't eat for days, he doesn't need or want to, the alcohol is full of easy to digest carbs that his body will always grab first.

TBH, if he is living on nothing but carbs, his body craves fat and protein, which is exactly what a fry up is. Carbs from alcohol are so easy for the body to absorb, it gets used to non complex energy.

No, it is not good for someone to live on beer, which is just carbs. The body starts cannabalising itself for fat and protein. It washes out vitamins and halts production of them. The cirrhosis liver cannot use food for more than two hours. So gone are the days of a huge breakfast that will see you through to dinner, the liver will not metabolise it.

So you need to eat little and often. Also liver dmamaged alcoholics should have a small snack just before bed to see the liver through the night. Failure to follow his will result in even more fatigue.

And no, it's not good for a diabetic, but if you can get an alcoholic to give up alcohol, then these other things can be controlled/sorted out. But whilst the drinking is going on, they will never get sorted, the alcohol is the first priority.