Why so quiet here?

Patricia I also thought that after reading all posts. Didn't think it a good idea at all. Just as well I was away as would have agreed and said same as RHGB!

"anyone else get stressed by holidays?"

In a word, no.

Hey Vickylou.....I go to the Maldives on May 1st for two weeks!!!!

And yes....I do get very stressed out about the packing and stuff, but it's worth the stress as I usually enjoy it when I get there.  The doctor lets me have a few Diazepam in cast I get over anxious whilst I am travelling, I don't usually take them, just knowing they are there helps keep me calm.

Anyway, it's nice to have you back among the fold for a while.

I get totally stressed about holidays.

Fall out with everyone. Cry, rant, cry rant. Threaten not to go. Cry, rant.

Stay up all night, trying to pack. Cry, rant. Pack... forget things because of the stress.   Take Diazepam. Go. (After final decision of not to go)

Funnily enough, I like a holiday, when I get there.

My anxiety levels are scary.

Everyone around me is scared at holiday times.

Oh dear !

Now don't you go and be getting a big head with all these women singing your praises!! 

Pat

Maybe you should concentrate on how the people around you are feeling too.  You probably spoil the anticipation of the holiday for them and that isn't fair. 

Just a suggestion.

Oh Patricia, I know that.  Thanks for being straight with me.  I am so sh*t.  I hate myself.

Thanks.  I would never have thought of that !!!  My family know how ill I am.  Your "suggestion" makes me sick.  I am an invalid.  Everything makes me sick. I am sick.  I would not want to go on holiday with me. 

Patricia, please try a little kindness.

I really am sick.  Two walking sticks. I wish I was dead ... lots of days.

 

The other person in the holiday is my husband.  Fair, doesn't come near it.

My pain is total.  Please don't judge me. 

Just a thought.

It's alright Pat, I can still get it through the door frame.

Time out. Play nicely everyone.

Thank you "Big Brother" !

I am trying to play very nicely. It is not easy for a tortured soul. Hey ho !

I think based on our own mental health we can interpret things very differently...I interpreted patricia's response as an outsider looking in...and I do not think she was saying you are a party ruiner...I think she knows...that you have legitimate medical concerns...and I DO TOO...but if she sent that response to ME...my mental and physical states are a little bit more stable right now.  And you admittely say you are not in a good mental or physical state.  SO...if Patricia were to write the same exact response to me (as she did to your post angel)...I would be able to take the response in a different manner.  Because you did say:

Fall out with everyone. Cry, rant, cry rant. Threaten not to go. Cry, rant.

Stay up all night, trying to pack. Cry, rant. Pack... forget things because of the stress.   Take Diazepam. Go. (After final decision of not to go)

Funnily enough, I like a holiday, when I get there.

My anxiety levels are scary.

Everyone around me is scared at holiday times.

​I rarely stop and look around at how my mental status affects other

​I think Patricias response was to gently say...if we realize that what we do is unfair to others...that WE can heal better to try and be better not only for them but for us.  Because after all of that anxiety you go thru...you end up having a good time...but they are probably still worried that something might happen with you.  I think she wanted you to realize how it affects others...to help you..not mock you

I actually just a couple of days ago...I DID try to step back and take a FEW SECONDS to give some thought to how I would feel if I was around someone like ME all the time.  It is tough on others...and when I realize that...sometimes (NOT ALL THE TIME)...I can stop.

God bless you, Misssy.  Every word you wrote was true.  I know I am a pain.  I know all the rest too.  I hope Patricia can get to understand me the way you do. I truly hate the way I am. I blame others.  I am a freaking nightmare to live with.  I could not live with me... if you know what I mean?  I don't know how I got like this.  Apart from the alcohol.  I used to be the person that everybody else came to, for advice.  

Now... Oh God, help me...I am so scared that I won't make it.

I am so sorry for any offence, to anyone.

Love to you all,

Alonangel 🎇

Hello again, Patricia.  You will have gathered, from my responses, that I don't deal very well with anything I perceive to be criticism.  I apologise for my manic self.  Your suggestion was just that, and a perfectly valid point.  

I have become very self-absorbed... the alcohol, the illnesses, the amount of time I spend alone, these things have changed my personality.  

Stress makes me drink.  Drink makes me crazy.  

I want to fix everything, but I can't.  I have ruined everything.  I find it very hard to live with.  I am very hard to live with.

Sorry, Patricia.  I realise that you were trying to help me look beyond me, me, me.  I feel very ashamed.

Alonangel 🎇

That is what I said...I could not live with ME.  I think it was nice that you responded to patricia...We got like this from messing our brain patterns up with drinking.  Its not just we drink so we are messed up...it is really scientifically proven that we CHANGE our brains when we drink.

​It changes the way we think about ourselves and others and for ME too...it makes me very defensive and paranoid toward peoples remarks.  Just the fact that you responded to patricia in a positive way shows to me that you ARE doing better.

​I only realized how "self absorbing" this illness was the other day while watching a TV show on Interventnion - about drug addicted people or alcohol addicted people that are at the end of their ropes and their families have intervened to get them help.

​I watched a guy crying that he wanted to be close to his son..it was heartbreaking his son was 4 years old...but he kept chosing to go out and get high over visiting his son.  He WANTED to be in his sons life but he was so absorbed in getting high...that he made conscious choices to chose the drug over his son when those choices arose.  Right then I said to myself or ADMITTED to myself that addiction is a powerful but SELFISH disease.

Not only does alcohol addiction alter our thinking, so that being slightly merry is the norm, instead of sober, it also physically changes the brain.

There are some rather disturbing MRI scans in the book I'm reading, showing the difference between a normal person and someone that has been alcohol dependent for some time and then there is a comparison with a Korsakoff syndrome person.

I shall be interested to see my scans included in my patient records when they arrive in the next few weeks, because I was scanned several times for my bleed on the brain.

I am so pleased to have your input.  You have helped me "hold back the stick", ... that I am beating myself up with.  I need to investigate more brain/alcohol information.  I know that my brain is compromised by alcohol.  I don't know how badly.  I suspect... very badly.  

Oh Misssy2, I just hope that I get well, before I die.  

It is as simple as that.

I hate being sick.

I hate being Alcoholic.

What on earth, is the answer?

I now ramble on to songs..........

"Are we human........or are we dancer?"

I want to dance.

I want to live.

I have no life.

So, Misssy, the same old path.  Selfish disease, indeed.  We don't know the damage we gave done... we can only estimate.  I am so horrified by my behaviour, at times.  Then, I try to look at it objectively. BAD.  God help me.

I am so sorry for the mess I have made of it all.

just remember..we can't change the messes...we can only try not to make new messes.  I have made so much of a mess of my life...no job...no kids or grandkids in my life...fighting with my elderly Mom....distant from everyone...all because of alcohol.  I try to just live each day and be grateful I am breathing.

​YES..I think they should care more about me. YES I want the attention. YES I think I should be forgiven...but if I sit too long and think about all the damage I have caused I don't know if I would forgive ME either.  One BAD example:  I can't take back that I didn't notice my oldest was having trouble reading when he was younger.  I didn't notice because I was drinking...and working and that is all I cared about. I thought I was doing a good job by doing his homework FOR him.  Only many years later when it was too late...was I told by HIM and my MOTHER...that he couldn't READ and it was my fault for not helping him or addressing this with the school when he was younger.  I NEVER REALIZED it...I was DRUNK.

​I can't take it back.  There are so many other BAD things I caused by being drunk...I try not to think about them....and I try not to REPEAT the bad things and behaviors that I STILL have.

​Its a daily battle....so lets use most of the day just to be grateful we are breathing...and hopefully in time people willl heal and forgive us...but we CANT FORCE their forgiveness...if that were the case..I would be very busy..foricing things on people.

​Today I have a crappy day ahead...I'm not pleased...I'm depressed...I feel abandoned by many...But, so far...I have eaten breakfast..assembled clothes for the poorer (than me)....taken a shower..and tried to react in situations the best I can.

 

The only thing that troubles me about all this research...is it doesn't seem any of my DOCTORS are applying it.  You and I know that our brains are affected by alcohol.  And my scan said I had a "Brain Abnormalty".  The DR was just going to let me leave satisified with the fact that I don't have MS.

​I said WAIT!...If I have an abnormal brain scan..what does that impact?  She say..."Well, what bothers you the most?"....REALLY?  I told her my memory....so I recently went for a memory test..which I feel I did GOOD on...I won't have the report for 2 weeks.  But just because I'm smart...doesn't mean I don't have the behavioral problems....memory problems...on a daily basis.

​I want them to say these things are based on the organics.  Idiots.  I need to be approved for disability and I think that when a Neurologist...says you have an abnormal brain they should not just let you walk away.  I would not have gone for the memory test...if I DID not press her for more details that day.

Memory tests are only one little bit, they should at least do cognitive skills as well. The main thing is your brain gets wired differently and is not able to think the way it used to. I've had to do a couple of cognitive tests in the past 18 months, one with the neuro consultant and one with the psychiatrist, but both of those were to do with stroke, not alcohol abuse.

I'm going to get boring now, but the ventrial striatum is the impulsive part of the brain - "Give me a drink I want it now". The prefrontal cortex should as the checks and balance and put the brakes on. Unfotunately the prefrontal cortex doesn't work so well on alcohol dependents and can't stop the person reaching for a drink.

It is why people get so upset that they can't understand the hold alcohol has on them and why they can't say no. If these alcohol recovery centres actually understood the first thing about alcoholism, they'd be explaining this to people and how to deal with it. Once you know it is happening and why, it is much easier to fight it.

yea...that stupid memory test they gave me was supposedly cognitive.

​I agree that once you know what is happening it is easier to fight.  I agree with that for mental illness as well.

​Now if I could understand what is happening with these boards...I would be happier...now it shows last responses 3 hours ago...when you open the posts..it can be 36 minutes ago...blaaaaaaa

Do not feel ashamed, the demon drink is responsible for all the inappropriate things you do and say.

I suffer from depression and have had my dark, hellish times too, but I now find that self-pity is the very worst way to go.  I throw myself into trying to ease the suffering of people and animals who are in need.  That is my "therapy".  I did not mean to hurt you - I hoped to help you, but I see that it was the wrong advice at the wrong time.  I apologise.

Oh Patricia, I am so glad that you have replied to me.  

I hope you are feeling well and coping with the demon drink.

Thank you for trying to help me.  I am my own worst enemy.

Depression and alcohol are a bad mix.  Then there is the anti- depressant medication thrown in.  Sometimes I think that blaming the drink for my mental behaviour and rantings... is a kind of "cop out".  I don' t want to take responsibility for the monster I become.  

Thank you for the apology, but really, you were right and sincere.  I have big problems.  I wish to God I could sort myself out.

Blessings on you.  You are a friend, I am a fool.

Alonangel 🎇