Why this, why now

I don't know if it's the same thing, but I get occasional bouts when I can literally feel my face being pulled down, like it's made of clay & from my eyes down to my mouth is melting. It is an incredible feeling of intense sadness. Difference is that if anyone said anything to me during these spells, I would just burst out crying & for no reason! Maybe it's the meds. I am on 40mg Citalopram & this has helped these attacks become fewer. My father-in-law died on Tues this week & the funeral is next Tues. I was very close to him. We were pals. In a way not being able to cry, & crying when you don't want to could be linked. They may be two sides of the same coin? just a theory. I do hope you find an answer to your problem. Take care.

I believe it can take a long time to fully get over the withdrawals from the SSRIs, and that they can be quite nasty, and include mood swings, lability, among other things. There's a web site I saw lately that examines this. There's a psychological withdrawal problem too, they said. Might be worth a small search. I'm sorry about your father-in-law, lee34449. A hard time. Best wishes.

Apologies for the late reply. Thank you both Lee and Deee for your input, its much appreciated. Indeed Lee it was a feeling of incredible sadness, almost overwhelming. Sorry to hear about your father in law and hope you stayed strong today but if you didn't, thats ok too.

I know the withdrawal symptoms are tough Deee. So far i've only dropped 10mg to 30mg. Maybe i won't give anything up for Lent but try to reduce my dose to 20mg for the 2nd time and hope i last more than the half life this time.

I lloked at so many websites at the start of my long journey. Maybe i should revisit some now but with different questions, thanks.

Best wishes to you both and thanks for caring.

Hi MP

Sorry to hear you haven't been feeling great recently. All I can say from my own experience is that if you feel sad then cry. Don't bottle up your emotions inside. I spent a long time keeping things to myself, keeping my emotions inside and not allowing myself to cry when I was sad. It isn't a good way to live.

You say that you just can't cry, I understand that, but maybe it is rather that you don't want to cry because you think that you are letting yourself down by crying, (this is what would stop me from crying), but you aren't letting yourself down, it's ok to cry if you are sad. I might be totally on the wrong page here, obviously only you can know how you feel.

Take care and hope you start feeling better soon.

Hi Sunset

I learnt a long time ago that bottling up one's feelings was a very dangerous thing to do.I now see my counsellor if i need to talkor come on this site. I'm ok now, back to flatlining which is good (for me).

I don't know what caused this sudden onset of extreme sadness and thankfully it had gone by the next day. It's just that i hadn't experienced feeling like that for about 4 years so it was a bit of a shock.

Ever since starting on Fluoxetine i have found that the drug supresses emotions especially crying. Sometimes i so want to cry and am frustrated that i can't physically do it, nearly but not quite.

Thanks for sharing and caring.

MP. The nice thing about the forum & this is the first of its type I have ever used, is that we DO care about each other, don't judge each other & are willing to help if we can, by passing on our experiences to each other. Take care.

You are so right Lee. When this site went quiet a couple of years ago, i tried other ones that were not a patch on the Patient website. Most i think were US based which made it tricky with the time difference and different drug names and procedures for getting treatment.

Found a bit of paper yesterday that said i started the Fluoxetine in Dec 2008 so my doc got it wrong. Have only been on the drugs for just over 5 years.....still a long time though and have been contributing for nearly 5 of those years.

We are all in the same unfortunate boat in general and it's so good that you feel you are not alone with such caring sufferers here online.

Best wishes.

It is so sad to hear your stories. `Only' 5 years' on drugs and still in there with depression. Does that tell a story? To me it does. There is a fair bit of info that people who use drugs and/or ECT to `fix' their depression are the most likely people to develop a long term, chronic depression relying on ever more `trials' using one drugafter another. Surveys done in 3rd world countries (Africa - Asia) are finding that the only people who are `sick' in the long term are those who are being `treated' medically.The drug companies are thrilled with their $70 billion a year, the last thing they want is for people to get well. After a while the depression begins to be part of the family, a way of life. But there ARE ALTERNATIVES! You might have to look around, to think outside the box of doctors, drugs and `treatment'. Maybe, after 5 YEARS, it's time. Clearly, whatever techniques you're using to deal with the stresses in your life, DON'T WORK. I don't believe `depression' is an illness, it is how you see yourself. I, too was locked into it but one day, I decided the psychs had had me long enough. I did not ever want to be put down as less than `normal', to be `controlled' with drugs, a `sick' person to be patronised, forever a `patient', any more. So I stopped being one. 13 years they had me and I never got better. It was round and round the garden. If I could stay out of hospital for 11 months I was `doing well'. NO, NO, NO more. I DECIDED I WAS NOT A SICK PERSON. Doctors see illness. That's what they're trained to do. If you are going to them all the time, you are a `sick' person and you will get `treated'. You will be a `patient'. For nearly 12 months I have been med free. I am finding new ways to see my life. I REFUSE to be a `sick' person anymore andI AM NOT. I use the self help system, I come onto these forums because I believe I have things to share, to help. I'm not popular with the drug supporters, which could be you, because I say `help yourself'. Some have said I don't understand, that telling someone to `pull themselves together and get on with it' means I have `no comprehension' of what it is to be depressed. (I am not quite that brutal, by the way).

I have had 87 shock treatments (and have serious brain damage as a result), I have been brought to a standstill with drugs, I have been on life support 4 times from suicide attempts, with a dozen admissions for ODs that only needed a respirator. Believe me I KNOW DEPRESSION. I have been a psych nurse and I have seen a lot of other people's depression, too. I have NEVER believed that depression is a LIFE SENTENCE. You CAN get better and move on. But you have to take some chances, you have to know it's not easy. Sometimes I wake up and think, I can't do this. I use a bit of CBT, say, this will pass and it does. Every time. The `quick fix' is a major problem in our society. `Give me a pill to make me happy. Woe is me, I'm depressed, I can't...' YOU CAN. In the long run it is your life, you only get one shot at it. Have a look at Professor Lucy Johnstone's work, read or video about `psychological formulation', an approach that aims to `help people to do something with their difficulties', `creating meaning out of chaos and despair'. NOT your `sickness' or `disease', your `difficulties'. The move from a `diagnosis' of an `illness' that has to be treated, to a recognition that you have difficulties and need to find ways to deal with them and move on. It and many other alternatives are more about learning than `treatment'. It's NOT A QUICK FIX, but it is, because a bit of time and pain now can free up your future, can give you a life, and I do realise that for some, it may be for the first time. A chance to be happy, or sad, or pleased, or disappointed, to be human and proud of it. Good luck everyone, you don't have to be a `patient'.

I have heard that about antidepressants, that people's emotions have been surpressed. Glad you were ok again by the next day.

Yeah I know what you mean saying it came as a shock to you, I felt that way after feeling well for a few weeks and then feeling down again, I suddenly start thinking it's a disaster. I've learnt now though to expect a lot of ups and downs especially in the early days.

Keep well.

Hi Deee

That was a powerful post. I now believe that this drug is hindering my recovery. Don't get me wrong, for short term help it is excellent and has put me in a better and far safer place than where i was at the beginning. This is why i'm weaning myself off it via the docs.

My sister was also on it quite long term due to a messy and stressful divorce. She still has the sympoms of the illness but deals with it in different ways, some successful and from my point of view, some not.

The reason i have been on it so long is due to life events - loss of both parents amongst other things and pain every day for 22 years (my own fault but never thought it would bite me on the bum for so long).

When it is out of my system i intend to try more self help methods of coping. I have already learnt (the hard way) to be a more selfish person. I used to take on everyone else's problems and listen to all their problems. I, however, had no outlet to offload these problems. I now only take on what i'm capable of dealing with. Those people were selfish themselves unburdening on me.

I have tried Hypnotherapy, reflexology, reiki, cranial and osteopath and chiropractor as various therapies as well as counselling. This has cost a fortune over the years as it has mostly been private. I've had mixed success. I'm open to trying anything (within reason) once and more times if i find it works.

I don't intend to spend the rest of my life on these drugs and being a stubborn git i will get my way eventually. I don't think it's sad to have been on this drug for just over 5 years. It was a means to an end and put me in a far better place in the beginning.

Best wishes.

MP

God forbid I should blame you, or anyone for doing the drugs. I did, more hoping than believing that they would help. 43 years ago they did work for me. I spent 6 months getting to a suicide attempt, after 10 days in a clinic I was well. (It was so good and quick I thought it must be a `placebo' effect, i.e. you get well because you believe you will. I am absolutely FOR THAT!) I did not have a doctor but I stayed on the drug for 2 years then weened off it. I stayed well for 30 years. It was, in fact, a really bad, suicidal reaction to an SSRI that started my desperate fight for health for the last 13 years.

So, if they work for you, that's wonderful. You don't have to make excuses, we all do what we do. Nobody's wrong. You're obviously a sensible person, whatever helps in the roughest of times is where you go and I still believe that sometimes, in the short term, some drugs can be helpful. It's in the long term that there's often a problem. They can make you a `patient' with all the helplessness that can bring, and can sometimes even interfere with your ability to tackle the things that can overwhelm you. They can also be part of the reason for consumer's life spans being shortened by up to 25 years. (USA figures)

My sadness is, that in our society, when we turn to someone for help in our darkest places, we're given a pill. It's that that saddens me. BUT...we, and that includes a lot of doctors, are exploring the alternatives. They won't all work for all of us all the time, but hopefully these approaches will offer more and more options. Even the `madness' of `schizophrenia' is being really helped to recover without meds! It's wonderful.

Have a look around for ways to learn how to deal with the difficulties we face. If we're struggling it means the ways we've used in the past don't work. But maybe we can replace them with better ones, maybe we can find ways to overcome some of the terrible things thatmay have happened in our lives and move on. I feel proud of myself that I went to an `art therapy' group and didn't leave because it was too airy fairy for me. It ended up as such a great experience that I can hardly wait for the next one. OK, I was an artist, (I feel stripped of my creativity by `shock' - it's my millstone), but this group suggested that I could find it again. We'll see. Oh, the others weren't artists and enjoyed it, too. I'm REALLY FOR ART THERAPY & music and +++EXERCISE!

I think you should be proud too, that you've set out to help yourself. Even if it hasn't always helped much so far, you come across as someone who doesn't give up no matter how tired you get. With all that experience you should write an article, even a book. How about collaborating with some people and dig out ALL the alternatives even the really mad stuff. It could be very informative and it could also be very FUNNY. Aim for funny, the way to really send it up some of the more pompous `therapists' is to laugh at them (and a little bit at yourself). laughter is a very good therapy technique (include me amongst the pompous for that one). Sometimes when it gets a bit much I turn on Billy Connolly. Never mind his wife is a psychotherapist. You never know one day I might get a freebie therapy session on the side.

Take care - deee PS I do go, don't I?

Hope you are feeling a little better today Meganpooch. Whilst I've been on Anti depressents and come off of them I find that every now and then I will still get the odd week here and there where I feel absolutely hopeless. I'm sure alot, if not everyone, on here goes through a similar thing to different degrees. It must be hard feeling like this after so long feeling relatively normal. Before I was on anti depressants I used Kalm tablets. I thought they worked well but also found that they suppressed everything, happy or sad, so I know what you mean about the meds. Kalms will be nothing in comparison to your meds though. The last meds I was on was Sertraline which made me hyperactive for aout a month then levelled out to feeling normal. I just couldn't get stay in the habit of taking them every day for some reason and weaned myself off.Now I question every feeling of doubt or stress that I get, wondering if it is all coming back.

Anyway thats enough about me.

Hope you're feeling better today and keep strong.

Hope you are feeling a little better today Meganpooch. Whilst I've been on Anti depressents and come off of them I find that every now and then I will still get the odd week here and there where I feel absolutely hopeless. I'm sure alot, if not everyone, on here goes through a similar thing to different degrees. It must be hard feeling like this after so long feeling relatively normal. Before I was on anti depressants I used Kalm tablets. I thought they worked well but also found that they suppressed everything, happy or sad, so I know what you mean about the meds. Kalms will be nothing in comparison to your meds though. The last meds I was on was Sertraline which made me hyperactive for aout a month then levelled out to feeling normal. I just couldn't get stay in the habit of taking them every day for some reason and weaned myself off.Now I question every feeling of doubt or stress that I get, wondering if it is all coming back.

Anyway thats enough about me.

Hope you're feeling better today and keep strong.

Hi Deee

Thanks for your post. By the way, i also sent you a PM. I wasn't having a go at you in my last post, just stating how it has helped me in the early years. Thanks for the character assessment. Think you are spot on there.

We are all entitled to our opinions and as you say no-one is wrong. Also humour is the 1 emotion this drug cannot suppress. Yesterday i tried listening to some classical music - something i've been unable to do since the sudden death of my mum 7 years ago but i felt myself welling up so turned it off. Still have some stumbling blocks there then!!

I don't watch much TV but prefer to listen to music depending on my mood. Its strange but the music my dad used to whistle i am fine with yet he only passed away last year. Some discussions with my counsellor coming up methinks.

I like your posts. They are very informative and you did make me laugh towards the end of it, so thanks for that.

Exercise would be lovely but unfortunately i can only walk for 5 mins before intense pain. Have nerve issues in 1 of my feet, being addressed at the moment. I hope next year to buy a dog as a companion and that will also give me no excuse not to exercise.

Thanks again for replying and best wishes to you.

MP