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Wife has changed personality overnight

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Eddie48463
Eddie48463

Hello, I'm really worried that my wife may have had or does have PND or some other depression - and is medicating with drink and cocaine at weekends.

I've NEVER used drugs. We have a 21 month old son (our first and planned) and bought our dream home nine months ago. We are the most tactile couple in public and all people tell me is that she is always talking about how much she loves me.

We're everbody's perfect couple, ultra happy and she started divorce proceedings overnight a few months ago and has rewritten history, didn't want to get married eight years ago, hasn't 'fancied' me for seven years, doesn't want sex with me (that side of things has always been great on both sides) and that I have been controlling her through our whole 11-year relationship - which is ridiculous.

And, no, there isn't anybody else in the picture - although, we are still living together and she is out looking for her 'special love' every weekend.

She is 35 and this has been going on since January when our boy was 15 months old.

We had 14 people round Christmas Day and she was talking about having another baby (no pressure from me always her decision if it happened). Two nights later we are at a club and a guy I know (very drunk) said he thought they might have gone out in the past. She stormed off and said "it's too late, I'm married". Then she's trying to meet up on FB, but he didn't want to know. She knows his partner and they have kids - it goes against every one of her morals. 

Previously to this she has been the most loyal wife and tells people where to go, pointing at her wedding ring if they try to chat her up.

But this time she told me it made her realise she has never loved me enough, that she deserves to find her special love and he was someone she had a crush on at 19 - WHAT!!!!!!!

I found out a few weeks after these revelations that she has been doing coke when she is out drinking until 3am in the morning - and she is a big drinker on a night out.Five weeks before all of this happened I got two birthday cards - one with a pic of me and the boy on the front to the 'Greatest Dad Ever' and another to 'My beautiful, amazing, gorgeous husband. I love you so much and thanks for making my life so special. You are such a great dad to **** it makes me love you even more'.

Now she refers to me on FB in her constant rants as a p***k or ugly, fat (I'm 11 stone at the moment), big-nosed c***

She is challenging me to get her drug tested saying she hasn't done it since she left me, as she was only doing it as she felt trapped.

I have since learned that she has dabbled in the past (despite being anti-drugs vocally as she is a fitness instructor) even before we were married and it has got worse since we have had our child. I believe she has had postnatal depression and this is how she is medicating it.

She says she isn't doing it, but two weekends ago she went out on a 12-hour bender on a Saturday and I saw her on Sunday morning in a right mess limping to work at 9am to teach her spin class.

At 4pm she was in the beer garden of another pub, completely OK and watching this band with a starry-eyed, almost adoring look on her face. She was then going up to everyone in the beer garden rubbing their hair and kneeling between their legs. And not for my benefit as she is emotionless towards me.

Later that evening she came to another bar I was at and one minute she was looking miserable outside the toilets, five minutes later she walks from the courtyard into the bar to push her way to the front of where a band is playing with her arms above her heard, with this weird, almost Jokerish grin on her face. Almost deranged looking.

Then she jumped up on a bench with three girls she didn't know and started dancing with and cuddling them all. Before talking to everyone in the crowd below. Then she is getting a drink at the bar and putting her arm round a complete stranger buying a drink and talking.

After she was outside pushing herself against a wall with the looney look on her face before being twirled round like a school girl.

She was having loads of intense conversations with strangers, then the next day she taught two classes in the morning after getting in at 2am, before trying to sleep on the sofa at 1pm. As she slept, her legs jumped around like electric shocks were going through them and her jaw was moving around.

The next weekend (I wasn't there) a friend told me she was spinning herself round a pole like a maniac on her own in a beer garden at 9pm one minute, then 20 minutes later her pals were consoling her like she was upset. A mate of mine who runs the club she was at later that night said she was in the toilets all night and had eyes like bowling balls, and was stroking his belly (and she never talks to him).

She is in complete denial telling me she hasn't done any drugs for three months and has got her solicitor to challenge me to hair test her. But I'm sure she must still be doing it!

She has also lost a lot of weight (at least a stone), she gets away with it on her body as she is so toned, but her face is so skinny, her cheeks have lost all their plumpness and she has aged. She went back to work in the gym six weeks after having our child, which was her decision she can't be controlled but massive mistake in hindsight as she never gave herself time to recover both physichally and mentally.

At he moment, it's like she has regressed back to when we first met 11 years ago (no drugs), but wanting to get drunk all of the time and really obsessed with local bands. And she used to do modelling pics in her teens, she went to a music festival for four days last weekend - and was being pictured posing on a car roof like some super model!

During this weekend away she never rang once or texted to check on our son - then when she comes back it is all 'I've missed you so much' etc

She is also very arrogant, thinks she is the sexiest woman on the planet and don't get me wrong she is very pretty -but now she can 'have any man that she wants' apparently!

I have ordered the drug test and will have to see what happens, but I am very worried about her as this is my beautiful wife.

In this nightmare six months I have not been able to have one conversation with her - she is ultra aggressive and defensive and just tells me I am 'harrassing' her, 'controlling her' and, now, 'bullying her'.

Something has gone really wrong with her - just hope she comes out of it before she destroys our little family for good!

Any advice/ideas?

 

5 likes, 58 replies

58 Replies

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  • jackie82937
    jackie82937 Eddie48463

    Posted

    Hi Eddie

    I read your story and was so shocked, I don't know how you are coping, I thought my problems were bad.  Husband left 10 months ago refuses to seek help talking about the guy who bullied coming out of a box he'd put him in, his need to control food, paid rainbows to kill me etc!  I'm no medical expert but with her ups and downs and behaviour do you think she could be Bipolar?  Google the unofficial symptoms of depression believe me it's nothing you have done, they change overnight, remeber Jekyll & Hyde.  Take care J

    • Eddie48463
      Eddie48463 jackie82937

      Posted

      Thanks Jackie, I have thought about bipolar myself and have indeed looked into it - Jekyll and Hyde is spot on!
  • jo44371
    jo44371 Eddie48463

    Posted

    What a dreadful situation to be in. I read your posts earlier today and have been mulling them over. What you describe is a complete change in your wife's personality, along with disinhibition and risk-taking behaviour. As a doctor, I always need to try and work out what the 'diagnosis' might be, and whilst some of the problems you describe could be due to depression (or maybe bipolar disorder) the pattern of difficulties your wife is displaying could represent a brain tumour affecting the frontal lobe of the brain. Damage to the brain in that area produces personality change, disinhibition and not caring about the consequences of behaviour. You've mentioned that her mother had a brain tumour, and some brain tumours can run in families. If you can persuade her to see her GP (ideally accompagnied by you as it looks like she has little insight into what is happening to her) so that she can be checked out, that might clarify what is causing her difficulties. Good luck!
    • Eddie48463
      Eddie48463 jo44371

      Posted

      Hi Jo, your post just sent a chill through my bones, as I have thought about this.

      Unfortunately, I am very good at realising what is going on in certain situations, and I feared the same before my mother was diagnosed.

      My mother had a grade four glibostoma and only last a couple of months, after previously being very fit, with surgery in between.

      My wife's mother was diagnosed a few weeks after my mother, her's was secondary, starting as a lump in the leg and turning into a lymphoma brain cancer. She hung on for a year and made the wedding.

      My biggest problem is that she won't go to a doctor with me and all of her friends and family are useless, they are either getting her out clubbing/drinking/coke or backing her to the hilt as they don't believe the drug accusations. The family are so dysfunctional, which is core to many of her past insecurities.

      I've tried everything over the last six months to get her help, but I just get told I'm controlling or harassing her. She even taped a conversation where I was pleading with her to get help and played it to the police, complaining I was 'mentally bullying her'. It is such a tough situation, as I know something has gone terribly wrong, as this woman kisses me 10 times a day and tells me she loves me previously and knocks on my chest at night like a door to come in for a cuddle.

      If we hadn't been getting on, or things weren't right in the bedroom, or she had cheated - then I would hold my hands up and move on.

      But that's not the case, and all she has done before turning is constantly plan for the future, enrolling our child in nursery school for when he is three in 12 months time, a few days before this happened.

      Then tellling me I forced her to move here, when she wanted to stay in her old town!

      The worst thing about your post, is that other the years she has always pointed out how much shorter her lifeline is than mine, and how I will outlive her. Ominous words.

      I bumped into somebody in the road today, who joined the long queue of: "I can't believe you two have split up, you were always going to be together forever."

      Tell me about it!.

      P.S. One other thing, an old neighbour of mine told me she had gone to do her spin class at few weeks ago, and she had collapsed and was in the medical room, unable to teach the class (which she never told me).

      I also know she has an appointment with the ENT clinic at the hospital - and was wondering what that could be about?

    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Eddie48463

      Posted

      Hope you don't mind just read your reply to Jo and picked a few similarities out.  They don't like us trying to tell them they need help, their view is they want to do this on their own.  Also, as you are the closest person to her you know her better than anyone else and can see through the pretence.  Similar with the blame easier to blame the relationship as she doesn't want to deal with her issues.  Notice she mentioned moving from her old town, my husband came out with similar rubbish said we shouldn't have moved yet it was a joint decision!  What out for this one too, they question the affection you shoew them!

      I sent a letter to my husband's solicitor today with written evidence things aren't right, if it goes to court they will both be laughed out of court, I haven't had so much fun in ages!  Take care and protect yourself you have feelings to, nothing you can do to fix, she has to sort herself J

  • jo44371
    jo44371 Eddie48463

    Posted

    Eddie, it's an awful situation to be in. Your wife cannot be forced to get help if she doesn't want it. You could write to her GP with information about how she has been so that if she does see the GP there is background information available. It is obviously important that your child is not put at risk by her behaviour. Other than that all you can do is wait. If she does have a brain tumour then it will eventually become evident because of the development of physical symptoms (eg deterioration of eyesight, problems with bladder continence, walking difficulties). If she has a serious mental illness again she can refuse assessment and treatment unless she is behaving in a way that is putting herself or others at serious risk - what constitutes serious risk is to some extent a judgement by medical and psychiatric staff, so no clear line in the sand. All you can do is keep yourself and your child safe whilst you wait for the situation to clarify itself in some way. Look after yourself.

    PS As far as I am aware lymphoma is not genetically linked, but one way in which it can become apparent is with problems with the nose and throat, as there is a lot of lymphatic tissue in that area.

  • Lilianna
    Lilianna Eddie48463

    Posted

    Hi Eddie

    How are things now? Just wanted to check in and see how you were? 

    • Eddie48463
      Eddie48463 Lilianna

      Posted

      Groundhog Day again! Our wedding anniversary today, she was in the fridge this morning asking me what the date was as she looked at the food. Either being funny or completely detached. Heard her on phone saying she can't wait for me to drug test her, that I'm emotionally abusing her at home and that I stalk her (I haven't been out for three months) and that's rich when's she's slagging me off on FB on a daily basis, calling me a fat (I'm 11 stone) ugly, big-nosed c***, so a bit different to last year when we were out for dinner, laughing and joking. First custody hearing in three weeks, she has filed to!
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Eddie48463

      Posted

      Detached seems more likely.  Emotionally abusing her, translated means she doesn't like hearing the truth more like.  Have to say I'm shocked by her behaviour and I do really feel for you.  I'm treating my DH like an unexploded firework if you imagine them like that it makes you realise you have to stand back so you don't get burnt. Take care Eddie and make sure you take some time out for yourself, go out with your mates or do somehting you will enjoy.  My DH is attempting to Divorce me, I'e told his solicitor he does not have mental capacity sent written evidence too can't wait to see that in court, haven't had such a good laugh in ages.  Jackie x
    • Eddie48463
      Eddie48463 jackie82937

      Posted

      Unexplored firework is a very apt description. I'm just getting sick and exhausted by it all now, her custody argument accuses me of disappearing with our son everyday and ruining their relationship when he is always home for lunch and I give her free reign to take him out! So ridiculous. I went to a Families Anon meeting last night and got same opinion, PND with the coke turning her arrogant and horrible. I've stood by her for six months, but just had enough now!
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Eddie48463

      Posted

      Or bomb!  I' not surprised it really isn't easy to negotiate with someone in that frame of mind!  Mine is driving me nuts not allowing me any money to move forward yet wants a Divorce. We think it's some form of control keeping me and our daughter in the home so he doesnt have to face selling the home!  Told him he has to fetch the marriage certificate for "his Divorce" that should be funny as he refuses to come anywhere near as he's frightened of the house sees it as a bad symbol and associates it with the bad year he had at work, try explaining that to someone they look at me as if I've lost the f**king plot!  We can't wait to see what he does about collecting the certicate!  LOL

      I'm not surprised you've had enough, mine left 10 months ago and he's still stretching my patience very thin, it's very wearing.  I'm off for a lager speak soon and take good care of yourself.  J x

    • Lilianna
      Lilianna Eddie48463

      Posted

      Do either of you wonder when it's time to just give up and let go? Even though you love them with all your heart? I'm thinking this way tonight? Give it one more try to try and get through and put the pieces of our family back together or just walk away and try to get over someone you love because it seems like such a hopeless situation rolleyes
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Lilianna

      Posted

      I can't give up on my husband we've been together 34 years, I've had my own MH issues and come through it.  I know what we had before he was ill was really good so I'm hanging in, he didn't abandon me when I was ill. Having said that I am moving forward looking after myself and protecting our kids financial future.  I will always be there if he needs me but while he's acting like a dick we're ingnoring him and he's in the naughty corner.  I guess it depends on if people feel their relationship is worth fighting for and how much crap they can put up with or may be I just don't want to believe it's over?  Sadly nothing I or our kids have done all down to his job and he;s in denial. Jx
    • Lilianna
      Lilianna jackie82937

      Posted

      I feel the same, I know what we had before and I just don't want to give up but when someone's so cold to you and says all these things about not loving you, writing off your whole relationship you sometimes do wonder am I in denial? Even tho he's doing so many things which indicate he has a mental health problem he can't see it and I feel like I'm the one that's crazy sometimes!! I'm the same as you in having had problems too, I had post natal anxiety after the birth of our daughter and he didn't give up on me, but I didn't push him away. Such a confusing and difficult time. 
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Lilianna

      Posted

      Hi Liliannna

      I too wonder if I am in denial and at times I think we do question our own sanity.  I've heard many times you have to separate the illness from the person thats not easy to do.  Our daughter said we are dealing with two different people so I had to explain about Jekyll and Hyde.  Sometime they just can't see they have a problem, it takes time and they may have to reach a point before they admit they need help and seek help, so far mine has refused help from anyone including medical professionals.  Men tend to deal with depression differently than women they're not always happy about talking about their issues.  It's a long slow road Im afraid and none of us know what the outcome will be, take care Lilianna  Jackie x

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