wish I wasn't here sometimes

Posted , 11 users are following.

I'm gaz 33 from Leeds

I suffer from depression & anxiety pretty bad I've had so much bad luck in my life people say they should write a book about me.

Anyway I don't feel sorry for myself I don't look for sympathy I keep myself to myself I'm a great actor cos everyday I'm putting on a front to family and friends basically cos I think in my head there probably sick of hearing my bull so I don't really express how I'm feeling I really struggle to talk to people.

Nothing has gone right for me in life everytime I build a good life I mess it up and throw it all away I push people away I can't keep a job I've no confidence.

I have a son that's 8 years old he's the only reason I'm still breathing today his mum makes my life a misery she causes 25% of my depression all on her own she's the devil in a dress.

I tried killing myself last March I went to different chemists all over bought sleeping tablets and that night swallowed them all with a bottle of brandy but just my look I woke up 2 days later could hardly move couldn't get to the toilet. From then I thought god wants me here to torture me for been selfish and leaving my son without a father so everyday I hate myself I look in the mirror I feel discusted.

I get things in my head like my boy would be better off without me and my family would also. I know it's selfish but soo hard to be happy my depression tablets help a tiny bit I get the odd day I feel content not happy but content. I'm close to losing my job soon I've had 3 years longest job I've ever had lol on a final written warning just more good luck.

Maybe there is people out there that feel the same feel free to get in touch

4 likes, 21 replies

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21 Replies

  • Posted

    hi Gareth

    I know how do you feel cause I suffer from depression&anxiety myself plus I hear ecos on my original thoughts,intelligent ecos threatening me.That's really scary,that was going on for 8 month from the point of aripiprazole injections&palleperidone injections I'm 44 I tried to kill myself twice and I don't feel sorry for myself,I can write a book about myself,but I think it will not help my illness My advice to you to live for your son no matter what

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  • Posted

    Hi Gareth,

    You do not say you are receiving treatment so I presume not. Recently I had a big problem with the desire to be dead. Once my treatment started the danger faded and I became able to deal with life and to have some enjoyment. 

    I did not get off the waiting list and into treatment until I admitted how attractive I found suicide. Being truthful and frank with doctors and nurses is very important. 

    With my best wishes.

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    • Posted

      I gave up trying to get through to councilling 3 times I rang nobody could talk to me apparently have to do a 45 minute assessment over the phone so eventually I said bollocks and also I find it hard to talk on the phone damn near impossible face to face.

      I think everything I did wrong in life god is making me pay for all the wrongs and to his own amusement keeping me here to torture me just a little bit more.

      Have you ever had that dream that your stuck in your bed covers or sum massive sheet and your trying to find the way out to pop ya head through but it's just not happening and your getting more stressed. Anxious and scared of the suffocating feeling that's how I feel every day it sucks arse

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    • Posted

      Hi Gareth,

      I had much the same but I did get an assessment interview after a telephone interview. Then the long delays. At over three months delay I put it in writing that I did not wish to kill myself but when my mood was low I greatly fear that I would as it seemed the only attractive option. I gave the note to my GP. After that I got an appointment for three weeks hence for Talking Therapy and another a week later with a Psychiatrist and he prescribed medication which proved to be excellent.

      Would writing your feelings and dangers of self harm be easier for you? 

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  • Posted

    Hi Gareth

    Maybe Im answering late, but i hope you will read this.

    You need to know that you are such a good person! You said that you find yourself selfish, but worry about your son. God will never torture you! Why isnt he even torturing bad persons? You are great mother and a fighter. You need to love yourself first. I feel your pain because I was in the silmar situation with yours. I was fighting with anxiety and depression and even tried to kill myself. I was thinking that my family would be better without me. But now I simply know - thats not true! That cant be true! Im much better than then and I know that you can feel better too! Much, much better! And death is never an answer- who said that in death you will be ok? Who knows whats after life? Maybe something worse? Its strange and unknow and dangerous. About losing your job, who knows why its great. Maybe you will soon find another? Try to find things more positive. My friend lost her job and in couple of months, she found much more paid job. She said that she never thiught, another work place in her profession can be better paid. But thats about that. For things that arent in your power, its worthless to worry. People lose their jobs all the time.. some never find any job. Some live in much undevelopted country. You need to know that you are SPECIAL GOD'S CREATION and please never ever kill yourself. You can feel better, believe me. Love you!

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    • Posted

      Hello Gareth very good question ,I have often wondererd that myself 

      cant believe that someone can let this suffering happen ,I was a believer in god for many years ,not so sure now ,to much of a strugle in this life .Well Idont think anyone truely knows why we are here ,or if there is a god .I am on medication since age 52 for anxiety and depression ,now 59 been put on another med as the other one stoped working ,you are not alone we all care and understand where you are in life best of luck Gareth



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    • Posted

      Well, to be honest, I don't believe in some specific god, that wasn't a point, just because of that we don't know what's after death. If we knew who the god is we will know what will happen

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  • Posted

    Hi Gareth, I completely feel your pain. I am in exactly the same situation as you. I am quite a private person who hides behide a facade everyday and keep smiling. Inside I am heartbroken and a complete emotional mess. This has been going on for about 7 years now and its not getting any better. I also tried to comit suicide and was so angry when I woke up. 

    I feel like I don't have a place in this world anymore. I live alone which does not help. I have confided in friends only to find that what you tell them is used as a weapon when things don't go their way!

    I have been told that I could write a Best Seller in terms of what happened in my life.

    Keep your head up Gareth and try stay strong. I know its not easy and it may sound flimsy but its the only thing that keeps me going. 

    Please feel free to contact me if you ever fancy a chat. 

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    • Posted

      Thanks love

      My medication has taken effect now which helps alot I'm not saying I'm happy or on cloud 9 but I'm stable I still shut myself off from the world cos basically I haven't got the energy to play happy. God knows what I'd be like if I stopped my medication I rely on propanol which helps with my anxiety cos I panic alot. Thoughts get in my head I spend every moment of the day thinking about all the bad things all the regrets. I'd love to have happy thoughts but I can't see that happening.

      Basically medication gets me through the day I have to go to work for 1 purpose to support my son if I didn't have him id quit my job and jump off a bridge.

      Maybe 1 day god will give me a break.

      I do apologise for the whole negative message well here's a positive since my medication took effect I've stopped drinking cos I'm scared of what I'll do when I'm drunk so that's 1 good thing I suppose

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