wish I wasn't here sometimes

Posted , 11 users are following.

I'm gaz 33 from Leeds

I suffer from depression & anxiety pretty bad I've had so much bad luck in my life people say they should write a book about me.

Anyway I don't feel sorry for myself I don't look for sympathy I keep myself to myself I'm a great actor cos everyday I'm putting on a front to family and friends basically cos I think in my head there probably sick of hearing my bull so I don't really express how I'm feeling I really struggle to talk to people.

Nothing has gone right for me in life everytime I build a good life I mess it up and throw it all away I push people away I can't keep a job I've no confidence.

I have a son that's 8 years old he's the only reason I'm still breathing today his mum makes my life a misery she causes 25% of my depression all on her own she's the devil in a dress.

I tried killing myself last March I went to different chemists all over bought sleeping tablets and that night swallowed them all with a bottle of brandy but just my look I woke up 2 days later could hardly move couldn't get to the toilet. From then I thought god wants me here to torture me for been selfish and leaving my son without a father so everyday I hate myself I look in the mirror I feel discusted.

I get things in my head like my boy would be better off without me and my family would also. I know it's selfish but soo hard to be happy my depression tablets help a tiny bit I get the odd day I feel content not happy but content. I'm close to losing my job soon I've had 3 years longest job I've ever had lol on a final written warning just more good luck.

Maybe there is people out there that feel the same feel free to get in touch

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  • Posted

    Glad to hear meds are helping....

    dont lose hope and don't give up!

    life chucks some pretty testing cr*p at us sometimes ... And getting through it is a test of strength..

    i am not a huge believer in God and more of a all things happen for a reason gal...

    every step you have taken has led you to right now.... And I am sure some stuff has been horrendous.

    having a son is awesome though right? ??????

    what at goes on in our heads isn't always reality and we can be our own worst critics!

    i hate talking People about how I feel as I don't believe they will understand / get "it" 

    hopefully u have a few really good friends ?? To talk to 

    with regard to your sons mum; I had a good few rubbish years after breaking up with my husband - 3 children, divorce and wondered often the point in my existence... 

    Do u know what though? Once I loved him and that led to creating 3 amazing little people together that I wouldn't be without... We have an OK relationship because why would we be horrible to each other ? How would that help our children's development?

    grab onto the positives and don't ever hate yourself!! I am sure you have a great deal to offer the world, friends, family and your son!

    putting on that fake "everything is fine" smile can't be done forever so it's always best to confront those demons, let go of them and see each bit of your life as a chapter in a book... 

    Each chapter leads to the next and each new chapter adds to the book of your life ?? 

    Stay strong and seek support ... I hope you never feel as low as u did when u took the tablets again ?? Each day is a potential plot twist that could result in your happy ever after 

    ??????????

     

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  • Posted

    Glad to hear meds are helping....

    dont lose hope and don't give up!

    life chucks some pretty testing cr*p at us sometimes ... And getting through it is a test of strength..

    i am not a huge believer in God and more of a all things happen for a reason gal...

    every step you have taken has led you to right now.... And I am sure some stuff has been horrendous.

    having a son is awesome though right? ??????

    what at goes on in our heads isn't always reality and we can be our own worst critics!

    i hate talking People about how I feel as I don't believe they will understand / get "it" 

    hopefully u have a few really good friends ?? To talk to 

    with regard to your sons mum; I had a good few rubbish years after breaking up with my husband - 3 children, divorce and wondered often the point in my existence... 

    Do u know what though? Once I loved him and that led to creating 3 amazing little people together that I wouldn't be without... We have an OK relationship because why would we be horrible to each other ? How would that help our children's development?

    grab onto the positives and don't ever hate yourself!! I am sure you have a great deal to offer the world, friends, family and your son!

    putting on that fake "everything is fine" smile can't be done forever so it's always best to confront those demons, let go of them and see each bit of your life as a chapter in a book... 

    Each chapter leads to the next and each new chapter adds to the book of your life ?? 

    Stay strong and seek support ... I hope you never feel as low as u did when u took the tablets again ?? Each day is a potential plot twist that could result in your happy ever after 

    ??????????

     

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  • Posted

    Hiya Gaz...

    Just reading your post. Not sure if you still feeling like this but i am here to chat if you need to.

    You really need to keep a positive attitude for your son.. I am feeling really down i dont know why but i just am. I have got everything a woman could possibly want but still feel really low and unhappy. I am unhappy at work and just feel i dont want to do anythjng anymore. I never discussed anything like this on a forum i just keep it all in and say i am fine when really deep down i am not. I often feel like nobody wants me and i feel depressed and ugly. I do try to do stuff but then feel like i just want to go bk in house and think stuff all time. I lost a daughter through my own choice when i was younger that is my biggest regret in my life. I wish i could turn that clock back i really do. So plz try keep that chin up for your sons sake. xx

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  • Posted

    Hiya Gaz...

    Just reading your post. Not sure if you still feeling like this but i am here to chat if you need to.

    You really need to keep a positive attitude for your son.. I am feeling really down i dont know why but i just am. I have got everything a woman could possibly want but still feel really low and unhappy. I am unhappy at work and just feel i dont want to do anythjng anymore. I never discussed anything like this on a forum i just keep it all in and say i am fine when really deep down i am not. I often feel like nobody wants me and i feel depressed and ugly. I do try to do stuff but then feel like i just want to go bk in house and think stuff all time. I lost a daughter through my own choice when i was younger that is my biggest regret in my life. I wish i could turn that clock back i really do. So plz try keep that chin up for your sons sake. xx

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Hiya Gaz...

    Just reading your post. Not sure if you still feeling like this but i am here to chat if you need to.

    You really need to keep a positive attitude for your son.. I am feeling really down i dont know why but i just am. I have got everything a woman could possibly want but still feel really low and unhappy. I am unhappy at work and just feel i dont want to do anythjng anymore. I never discussed anything like this on a forum i just keep it all in and say i am fine when really deep down i am not. I often feel like nobody wants me and i feel depressed and ugly. I do try to do stuff but then feel like i just want to go bk in house and think stuff all time. I lost a daughter through my own choice when i was younger that is my biggest regret in my life. I wish i could turn that clock back i really do. So plz try keep that chin up for your sons sake. xx

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    I feel your pain, frustration, and sheer anguish to escape the life that you feel has abandoned you on many levels. I had a neighbor that lived next to me that tried to kill herself because she has MS and couldn't cope another day. So she turned on the gas stove and leaned against the oven outlets until she passed out. Somehow with her fall on the floor, she turned the over off and woke up the next day. She said the same thing she was saved for a specific explanation. The following year her adult daughter got a divorce because her daughter was developing MS too and the daughter's ex-husband got custody of her children due to her new diagnose. Her survival was to comfort her daughter about how she faced her challenges and success in life. On the other hand, the way to get out of your head is to make others feel wanted, educated, or alive. In the same breath, you are putting happy thoughts in your consciousness at the same time. You have that power by saying a nice greeting to a neighbor, stranger, or coworker, buy a stranger a cup of coffee, or slip a dollar to a homeless person, volunteer, etc. You must look in the mirror at yourself every day and say I may have had a s****y life in the past but starting from today until I die naturally, I will make others' lives better by a small token of happiness. Eventually, it will get into your DNA. End it by saying you love yourself and that you are a very awesome person. When your ex b*****s about money, and you can't afford it. You can always go back to family court and ask for a modification of your court order and that goes for custody issues too. If that is not on your radar, then don't forget it for another day or tell someone unaware of these changes in custody issues that are not made in stone. Show your son what trust, loyalty, love, and respect look like. People may not remember what you say, but they remember how you make them feel. So lets both help others have one movement at a time of pure happiness, shall we?

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