Wondering...

Hi Matt, Sorry this is a long one! Not a lecture but a reminder. 

"I cannot tell the future.  I don't even know what will happen tomorrow. But today I am sober and today is a great day."  Remember ? Over a year ago, one of your favorite quotes ?

Take the advice so many have given to you who have poured out their hearts to you answering this question you have purposed to this forum. Use what you can and leave the rest.  

Remember how great it felt when you first wrote about feeling so good when you woke up in the morning ? No bad hangovers. 

Trust me Matt, "You never want the brain and body to relearn addiction ". You have taken the time to reset your brain away from alcohol dependency.  NO never go there again is my answer. Where will it take you this time?  Take what you have accomplished and learned from the addiction...pay it foreword... There is no reason to put your life at risk just to have a couple of beers. Not one reason.

Why on earth would you want to take the meds (did I mention side effects with some), or depend on the meds and options suggested or go back to that place where so much is uncertain, your health, life, and your job ? You are a great educator, you know what an important job you have in today's society. Start lifting weights again. 

Not all the meds suggested and rehab works for everyone. Your thru the worst of it now, avoid the triggers, be mindful of never wanting one more beer, and never go back , keep moving foreword !

Give yourself purpose in life ," Life is a gift". Help others and be totally honest with yourself. You know deep down inside exactly what the answer to the very question that you are asking. 

Your heart does not belong only to you but to your friends and family who love you. I am sad to hear that you would even want to go to a place that has taken so much from you in the past. I need to remind you that over a year ago when I first met you on this forum you told me about your mantra.

INSPIRATION, "NOT ONE MORE DRINK".  That was your mantra then and NOW! " Not one more dink" !

My life was changed forever the day someone tried to kill my AUD son and saw him on life support, not knowing if he would live or die.  He survived and was given another chance at life.

 After he pulled thru many weeks of intensive care and therapy learning to breath and eat again and so many other things to relearn, he went right back to the same situation that tried to take his life in the first place. Then slowly one drink at a time until he began binge drinking until he lost everything again.  

He has tried it all to stop his cravings, treating his addiction for 20 years. He too wants just one or two drinks to have fun or relax but cannot stop at 1 or 2. Alcohol slowly builds up a tolerance in his system and more Alcohol is demanded by his body for him to function.

 You have been very sick in the past there is no way that contemplating meds can guarantee they will help you cut down without taking to many risks. Don't put your health at risk. You have made it thru to a better life. Make the choice to recognize that it's important for you to see a counselor to help you identify what is driving your thoughts to this place again.

If u need help all you need is to ask... so many love you and want to be here for YOU !  [biggrin]

So for whatever reasons you have for a better quality of life and the beliefs you have for why you are on this planet.... just remember you are loved deeply..love yourself and more importantly forgive yourself and always make room for a sober tomorrow !

((Hugs))

HOPE4CURE

Hey Matthew, your story has some resonances with mine - I've shared it here on other threads. I also completely gave it up for a fairly extended period, in my case I think it was 15 months. A lot of my friends were very weirded out by my sudden sobriety (my drinking was private, so no-one had a clue how bad it had got) - as a result my 'official' line was that I was taking a break from booze. To any questions about re-starting I'd always say 'never say never'.

About 6 months ago, my curiosity got the better of me. Could I drink again? In moderation? How would it feel? Would I get quickly drunk now, as my tolerance had dropped? What would that be like?

I decided to have a couple of cans of beer as an 'experiment' - planned strictly as a one off, done under controlled conditions.

Nothing bad happened, so I repeated the experiment a few more times. I found I could drink with no ill effects, and not have the urge to do it every day.

Then one day I repeated the experiment when I was stressed. Not so good. On this occasion, it was like a switch was tripped in my head. I went back out, bought more alcohol, and got utterly wrecked. I didn't even get back to my house, I was drinking in the lift of my building.

The following day I was very sick and very remorseful. I had gotten burned and it really gave me a wake-up call. I made fresh, very sincere vows to re-commit to my sobriety.

But my resolve had somehow been weakened (this is hard to really explain, I don't know why it is). I was sober for a month, but then after another very stressful day I got drunk again. This was another turning point for me because I really enjoyed it this time round - it de-stressed me and crucially my hangover guilt was far less. I was starting to think 'oh f*** it, let's just go with this'. In the months that followed I have been occasionally sober, occasionally drinking - probably 50-50. Though in the last few weeks my alcohol-free days have probably just tipped into the minority.

I feel like being sober was a magic spell which, now broken, I just don't know how to get back. I've tried but it seems like a hard thing to re-capture. I feel like I've tried and already definitively failed. 

The crazy thing is that 2015 (my year of sobriety) already looks in hindsight like the best year of my life. I did so many things I haven't done before, experienced so many new things, pushed my comfort zone in so many ways. Has drinking improved my life in any way? Absolutely not, save for very very short term bubbles of euphoria.

I'm not saying it will be the same for you, of course - but I wanted to share my experience as a bit of a cautionary tale (sorry, I know you've had a few of these already!) for how it can just gradually slide. For me, as I say, it's taken about 6 months to get back to a place where I know I'm getting out of control again. Alcohol is a crazy, seductive thing for people like me. I suppose my message is just to keep vigilant, and to be really honest with yourself if it starts to slide in any way...

I am impressed Matthew but also concerned since I know that I could not do this. I would simply drink more and more and start kidding myself for certain. You would be unique and perhaps you are. My situation is 4 yrs sober by 31st Dec 2016..yes, you can guess...I did stop AFTER another New Years Eve too drunk...best of luck to you. Robin

Matthew, I will concur with what most members have said here: I have often tried to stop, but the minute I take that first drink under the wrong conditions (and you never know when it is wrong - fatigue, hunger, stress, hormones, a little unwell) something simply snaps. On the days when I do not drink, I achieve so much that I 'stare at myself', so to speak.  As soon as I start again, I wallow in bed until I struggle out of the mist, causing even my mother to shed tears.

If you have got yourself clean, please don't start again. I am still struggling to change my lifestyle such that I don't feel those pangs.  It is not easy at all, so don't lose all you have worked for!