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I don't know if anyone wants to be as honest as I can be...but I wanted to post this for ME to remember...although...both of these things happened many years ago...I have never forgotten them...and they never really stopped me from drinking again...but...these are pretty bad and as I get older...I would hope I could come to terms with maybe these are the reasons I relapsed...maybe I haven't loved myself enough from these days forward.
#1 - My oldest son was in the hospital dying of a cocaine overdose. I was woken out of a drunken stupor in the night by my partner (my sons Dad)..and he told me my son had overdosed..and that he mumbled to a Nurse that he wanted his Mom. I COULD NOT GET UP...I COULD NOT GET DRESSED. I was freaking out....and I said to my partner I needed to have a BEER before we left...he reluctantley agreed...but he was in a fury...screaming at me...etc..I was trying to choke the beer down...and when it was gone...it wasn't enough to get me up...So, I said...1 MORE! He did not wait...he left me there....I was devestated and hated my own guts. My son ended up surviving...and when he came home...he refused to talk to me...(I don't think he remembered he asked for me...but I am sure his DAD told him I was too drunk/hungover to come). Anyway, shortly after that I had my first long stint of sobriety and when I reached 1 year...(this boy lived with me everyday and would not speak to me)....I reached 1 year and he had left a drawing in my car which said..."Take this to work"....and a long note stating how proud he was of me and how glad he was that I was ok. I still don't know if he could or has ever forgiven me totally.
#2 - My youngest son..needed open heart surgery at 3 months old.
The hospital was in another state...one of the best in the world. So my thoughts were my son will be fine. I was assured by the heart doctor that he would be fine...but he would be one of the FIRST in the world to have this "teflon patch" procedure. The heart surgeon agreed with us that we could drive our son to the surgery and he didn't have to go in the ambulance as long as we went right there. I remember calling in work...and feeling FREE...."to drink". So sad isn't it?
We were told it was a 2 hour surgery....after about 3 hours...a surgeon came out and gathered family into a room and said they were struggling to get his heart re-started and that they may have to insert a pace maker (this is not a good thing for a child so young...would mean many more surguries as he grew). I remember being p*SSED.....because the beer we had stopped and put in the room for after surgery (for me) my partner didn't drink....had to wait.....Of course my nerves were shot...but looking back it was all about ME...and my BEER once again.
The surgery took a total of 8 hours to complete and the surgeons were successful in getting his heart started and it ended up he did not need a pacemaker. I remember feeling so guilty the whole operation...because many family members were crying...I was stoic...and MAD that the surgery was taking so long and that I had to wait to drink! Imagine? I didn't even comprehend the fact that my son was literally dying and they were trying to save him...people kept telling me that...and I kept saying...he will be fine....I was a little beligerant in saying....I can't believe these TOP surgeons are taking so long! Unreal.
Thank God my son is ok....he is 25 now....and he has participated in life with no further difficulties with his heart.
SO...this is how powerful alcohol really is when you are ACTIVE. I love my boys...and always have.
Today...I would lay down completely SOBER and take a gun SHOT for either of my boys....But honestly....put a drink in me and I am TRULY...GOOD for NOTHING.
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