Your 2 worst experiences with alcohol?

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I don't know if anyone wants to be as honest as I can be...but I wanted to post this for ME to remember...although...both of these things happened many years ago...I have never forgotten them...and they never really stopped me from drinking again...but...these are pretty bad and as I get older...I would hope I could come to terms with maybe these are the reasons I relapsed...maybe I haven't loved myself enough from these days forward.

#1 - My oldest son was in the hospital dying of a cocaine overdose.  I was woken out of a drunken stupor in the night by my partner (my sons Dad)..and he told me my son had overdosed..and that he mumbled to a Nurse that he wanted his Mom.  I COULD NOT GET UP...I COULD NOT GET DRESSED.  I was freaking out....and I said to my partner I needed to have a BEER before we left...he reluctantley agreed...but he was in a fury...screaming at me...etc..I was trying to choke the beer down...and when it was gone...it wasn't enough to get me up...So, I said...1 MORE!  He did not wait...he left me there....I was devestated and hated my own guts.  My son ended up surviving...and when he came home...he refused to talk to me...(I don't think he remembered he asked for me...but I am sure his DAD told him I was too drunk/hungover to come).  Anyway,  shortly after that I had my first long stint of sobriety and when I reached 1 year...(this boy lived with me everyday and would not speak to me)....I reached 1 year and he had left a drawing in my car which said..."Take this to work"....and a long note stating how proud he was of me and how glad he was that I was ok.  I still don't know if  he could or has ever forgiven me totally. 

#2  - My youngest son..needed open heart surgery at 3 months old.

The hospital was in another state...one of the best in the world.  So my thoughts were my son will be fine.  I was assured by the heart doctor that he would be fine...but he would be one of the FIRST in the world to have this "teflon patch" procedure.  The heart surgeon agreed with us that we could drive our son to the surgery and he didn't have to go in the ambulance as long as we went right there.  I remember calling in work...and feeling FREE...."to drink".   So sad isn't it?

We were told it was a 2 hour surgery....after about 3 hours...a surgeon came out and gathered family into a room and said they were struggling to get his heart re-started and that they may have to insert a pace maker (this is not a good thing for a child so young...would mean many more surguries as he grew).   I remember being p*SSED.....because the beer we had stopped and put in the room for after surgery (for me) my partner didn't drink....had to wait.....Of course my nerves were shot...but looking back it was all about ME...and my BEER once again.

The surgery took a total of 8 hours to complete and the surgeons were successful in getting his heart started and it ended up he did not need a pacemaker.  I remember feeling so guilty the whole operation...because many family members were crying...I was stoic...and MAD that the surgery was taking so long and that I had to wait to drink!  Imagine?  I didn't even comprehend the fact that my son was literally dying and they were trying to save him...people kept telling me that...and I kept saying...he will be fine....I was a little beligerant in saying....I can't believe these TOP surgeons are taking so long!  Unreal.

Thank God my son is ok....he is 25 now....and he has participated in life with no further difficulties with his heart.

SO...this is how powerful alcohol really is when you are ACTIVE.  I love my boys...and always have.

Today...I would lay down completely SOBER and take a gun SHOT for either of my boys....But honestly....put a drink in me and I am TRULY...GOOD for NOTHING.

 

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  • Posted

    Hi Missy. You have been through more than most for certain. Incredible stories and it does show the true dangers of drinking and how reckless anybody can become. You came out alive and take each day slowly. You are doing great
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    • Posted

      Similar story here. Was talking to my husband about it last night strangely. The power of alcohol and the hold it has on you is beyond frightening. I'll come back with my experience once I've sorted iPad out, or this site. Txt keeps disappearing and I've retyped it 3'times already.
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    • Posted

      Robin...yes I definitely have angels...and am lucky to be alive...I wish I could hold on to that instead of the past.
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  • Posted

    Your not alone similar story here, but this site keeps going weird and my iPad needs charging. Spent last half an hour typing then text disappears, I've rewritten it and now that's gone as well. Different posts keep appearing and all sorts going on. No I'm not drunk just really mad. I'll get back to you. Try to pm me, don't freak out as my story is almost identical but it's my husband who's just had open heart surgery . Promise I'll be back before this disappears too
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  • Posted

    Omg I can totally relate to what you are saying. I don't have kids but love my little dogs more than life itself they are my babies but I always put me and alcohol first.

    On one occasion I got drunk and my dog ate loads of chocolate. My dog walker called me at work and had had to take my dog to the vets with extreme runs. My other friend sat with my dog till I got home, and I popped to the shop to buy alcohol cos felt so down and guilty. Bad!

    I hate myself each time, the next day in morning think no! No more! Then off to shops again! I hate it all 😟

    Have you managed to stay sober now? Any tips?

    Em x

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    • Posted

      Hi Emma..alot of us run to the store before stressful events...but yes to you..your dogs are your kids.... Let's just try to forgive ourselves..because bearing ourselves up is not fixing our issues either.. Thank you for sharing your pain too.
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  • Posted

    Missy,

    I think you need to talk to someone, you have issues and they're eating away at you. I think that you will find it hard to shrug off the drink whilst you're still varrying this 'guilt' around with you.

    You need to move on and live the rest of your life. I'm sure if your sons were asked, would you prefer your mother to carry this guilt with her or would you prefer that she let it go and came off the beer, they would choose the latter.

    As for your question, I don't think I had any real moments, I was a happy drinker, not a morning drinker, just someone who came home via the shop, went to the pub, ha d a few pints, then took the dog for a walk, then settled in and consumed what I had got from the shop, and do the same again the next day, for 25 years.

    I suppose my low point was going into hospital for the stroke last year, becoming jaundiced, being detoxed (without my knowledge, I only found out months later in the neuro consultant appointment/report), having acites meaning 10 litres drained off my stomach and having a catheter fitted for nearly a month.

    What's done is done, I don't dwell on it, I need to move on and make the most of the rest of my life, live for now, not in the past. This is why you probably need to talk to someone, let it go.

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    • Posted

      I agree with you but it's a lot easier said than done. I did ask and discussed this with all three of my kids who are 31, 29 and 26. They all said " for god sake mum stop going over this again, we are all here cos we want a big family Sunday roast not another dwell in the past, as all that does is start you binging again. Forget it and start living
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    • Posted

      For years I have tried to forgive myself for years I have been in therapy. Actually today I have therapy we haven't gotten to the things I have done to others yet but only the things that have been done to me. This therapist is fairly new because my medical coverage changed so I had to copy her some people work from previous therapy to verify some of my conversation. Thank you are RHGB. Many of us typically need long-term therapy after beating yourself up for so long
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  • Posted

    Such huge things to admit to on here Missy, but shows how deeply alcohol had you trapped.  You still have your boys, and they  will know what you went thruogh and help you. 
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    • Posted

      Right now I do not have my boys they stopped talking to me this past year because I relax after 8 years I believe it's due to the fear so they have separated themselves. However if I stay sober this time I once again will have them in my life. Thank you for your kind reply
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  • Posted

    Misssy this is a bit rich coming from me and if you asked my family they would say practice what you preach!

    You are being too hard on yourself as what u did you did for whatever reason at that time. I went years ago to aa for two years and was sober.

    When I relapsed after

    4 years I didn't go back and still wouldn't now. The one thing I remember is the theory and truth in something and not to do with God and bible baskets. The concept is to understand these words

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference

    I was arrested for drink driving at 9.15am after having taken the most precious things to me to school.

    I make no excuses for what I did and to me it was and still is 20 years later unforgivable and I sobbed my socks off just typing this.

    I talked to my therapist at C B T about it. You need to let go. I'd been drinking till 3am and didn't think I was over the limit. The guilt and fear that if I'd had a crash I could have killed my kids or anyone will always be with me and if I don't let it go it will destroy me because keep reliving it causes me anxiety which causes me to drink.

    It's strange how much better I feel having just typed that

    Don't think I've lost the plot but imagine a suitcase with clothes in and it needs unpacking. You open the case, take something out but you don't put it away. A couple of days or whenever instead of putting it away you put it back in the suitcase and shove it under your bed. You keep doing the same thing over and over again until one day you decide to hang it up where it should go. You don't completely forget but its hanging in the wardrobe out of sight.

    Am sure people will think I'm off my rocker or been drinking but it helped me so I don't care what anyone else thinks. I've never analysed it to anyone apart from my therapist yesterday who completely understood.

    Hope you can understand what I mean xx

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    • Posted

      Yes thank you thank God the kids got to school ok that day. And thank god you're okay now. Yes I love the serenity prayer and actually it is something I fall back on now being sober to help me cope.
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