Alcoholism
Posted , 9 users are following.
I've been trying to figure out what to post because I don't want to focus on my suffering because everyone that is here is suffering in one way or another...or they are completely sober.
With this "condition"....those are the only 2 ways it goes....we either are suffering or recovering....or recovered.
I feel I had a good reason to "relapse"...I have been getting 4K for 2 years for "disability" thru insurance from a company I used to work for.
When I started drinking...it was because I had received a small check....didn't know why and long story short....they stopped paying me because they believe all my problems are caused by mental illness (which they cover for 2 years).
So..after the phone conversation with them...my brain was like...HOW WILL I PAY MY MORTGAGE? HOW WILL I EAT? And I went to the liquor store to stop my brain and pain.
Drinking only caused more pain. I ended in hospital again (my sister forced me to go).
I'm not going to say...it didn't take away my pain and brain spin....because IT DID. But, it caused me once again to be VERY sick. I'm not going to say everything will be ok if I don't drink....cause I don't know that everything will be ok.
I will say....that I am physically and emotionally drained from this "condition". I DID have 8 years sober previously...and I will continue to post and help others the best I can....to get thru their tough days...because I KNOW...just as many here KNOW...how you feel.
1 like, 53 replies
ursulauc62 Misssy2
Posted
This is a really tough battle, and pretty despairing sometimes.
Last night my husband offered me a glass of sparkling wine, and we - my hubby and son raised a glass in remembrance of his - husbands brother who died a few years ago, and would have been sixty today. We all really miss him.
After that I decided I wanted just a 'couple more beers' as I put it, so when we went to the shop I bought just 2 bottles of regular strength ale. My husband said - just dont have the strong stuff - he was a bit dubious, but I had been having quite bad tinnitus and sore sinuses for a few days, and have been repeatedly ringing the hospital to find out when my follow up ENT appt. will be, and not really getting anywhere. We are going on holiday to Italy for a few weeks in about 12 days, which should be lovely, but I'm concerned it might be spoilt by this stupid condition I've got - the sinus and tinnitus trouble. I definitely wont drink!
I had been learning some Italian online and doing quite well, then yesterday didnt feel well enough to do any studying, and I was really irritated that this seemingly trivial but very annoying health issue was distracting me from just getting on with things.
So due to an accumulation of things - as usual - I felt like just a few drinks to let the pressure off.
Sad thing is, we were all sitting watching TV, and I then remembered that there was some more booze in the house. My son had recently got a present of a set of miniature bottles of whisky from a friend for his birthday. I sneaked up to his room and just opened the box and drank them.
I was in the process of putting cold tea back in the bottles, and was then going to seal up the box, and then go out and get him another one today so he wouldnt notice, but he caught me doing it.
Him and my hubby can always sense when I'm acting a bit suspiciously when I've had a few drinks, and not without cause.
My son was pretty upset about it - because it was a present from a friend he really likes, not just because of what it was.
Today I feel mortified, and hopelessly guilty as usual. I know I could have done something alot worse, and have done in the past, but we were getting on so well, and I was feeling he really trusted me and liked being with me, and I seem to have spoilt it all again.
I HAVE to stop doing this. I am so scared this will be a cycle of behaviour that goes on indefinitely. I HAVE TO find another way of dealing with stress because there is always stress in life. My husband said, what are you going to do if you find out you've got cancer one day - just drink every day to cope with it.
Its just NOT the answer. I must find another one.
Robin2015 ursulauc62
Posted
ursulauc62 Robin2015
Posted
Thanks.
It is all so pointless, because I dont even really enjoy drinking. I just taken over with a compulsion that once I am quite drunk, I just have to keep going.
Me and my husband are going for long walks this weekend. I really need a proper interest in life to focus on, and I will organise that.
We spent half the morning going round the local shops looking for a replacement pack, without any luck.
I then emailed the company who supply them, because they had run out on Amazon, and I told a little white lie, and said my son was very upset because he'd lost it when we went away for the weekend.
I got a lovely email back from them saying they would send us out another pack for free, so that will be a nice suprise for him. Wont tell me until it arrives - may be a few days. Hopefully then he might forgive me a bit, since I made the effort to get an identical replacement.
Misssy2 ursulauc62
Posted
Hi Ursla....
I am in the same exact position as you....and probably others that struggle.
STRESS....when it is overwhelming...or health issues...(that I want a break from)...make me drink.
In reality....the drink makes both of those things worse - right?
I ALSO need to find another way to cope...because alcohol will ruin EVERYTHING...our relationships - your vacation...on and on.
Yes, stealing the bottles I GET IT. I snuck up to my sisters apartment this last time..and stole a bottle of wine she had on counter....I told her I did (she is the one who brought me to the hospital).
She was "disgusted"....I tore my family apart this last time...and we are all still "reeling" from it.
I went as far as to be shoving my 77 year old fathers legs out of the way because he wouldn't let me in the cuboard that had the rum I wanted (that was my mothers).
I eventually GOT it...and he pulled it out of my hands and dumped down sink...and got really upset with me.
Luckily, my Dad is forgiving and I have talked to him since. However, my sister and Mother are NOT forgiving and haven't talked to me since.
Like he NEEDED that? OMG....
ursulauc62 Misssy2
Posted
Hi Missy,
yes I totally get you. Other people who we love and would normally go out of our way to do things for, we treat like rubbish when alcohol has taken its relentless grip.
We can blame the relapses on all sorts of things - stress, felt ill, someone said something hurtful, cant get a Dr's appt, our favourite program on TV is cancelled because of a football matchbeing aired instead, had an argument with someone about politics, weather is rubbish - you name it. But they are all just pointless excuses.
I was still trying to drink the glass of whisky I had while my son was trying to pull it out of my hands to throw it down the sink, and then tried to brush it off - like - so what - I'll get you another pack tommorrow, we all stole our dads whisky bottle which was a Christmas present when we were his age, and put tea in it, then bought him another one and he didnt notice etc.....
But thats really not the point, and the truth is that my personality does a quantum leap, and I dont recognise the person I was when I was drunk when I'm sober.
My son has forgiven me and I think its simply that he knows its an illness, and I have to be protected from myself, and I dont like the person I become any more than anyone else. Also I think some of his friends know family members who struggle with this problem.
Anyway, never again - and I hope this time that turns out to be true.
Take Care.
Misssy2 ursulauc62
Posted
I never before involved others in my drinking like I did this last time.
My boyfriend would not get me a drink...so I asked to be dropped off at my parents to "recover"...and when I got to my parents I started begging my DAD for shots.
My Dad is super religious and said he didn't want to enable me....well, I started like I said pushing him out of the way for the drink..
My sister lives upstairs....when my Dad poured out the bottle and went and sat in the other room...I snuck upstairs to check out her apartment for liquor...mind you...I have only been in her apt. one other time and she has been there 2 years....
So all wrong on every level....
They both have forgiven me too...but I have not forgiven myself.
gwen45436 ursulauc62
Posted
Oh God these posts are making me want a drink. They are so me. I hide and use cold tea. My husband likes to keep a stocked bar with loads of optics and that is a nightmare - it is llike a sweet shop to me calling out my name.
He has a bottle of good whisky which he likes a single before bed and I was nicking it and topping it up with water - until it got so weak and insipid looking that one night he really shouted at me as he knew what I was doing. I felt mortified and besides myself with guilt. I can't believe there are so many on here that are the same as me.
I feel so alone here at home with it never ceasing to get me.
I now don't want to drive my lovely car as the volume is going each night and I feel heady the next day and worry I might be over the limit from the night before. My life is wasting away. I walk to the shops and that is me done.
I want my life back.
G.
ursulauc62 gwen45436
Posted
I know - I went out for a walk today and my husband wanted to come with me. He said he was bored - normally he is really busy working - does a lot of computer stuff from home - but had a spare few hours.
I really wanted to go on my own, so that I had the option of buying a couple of beers - even though I might not have done it. Hw was quite hurt when I said I preferred my own company, so he came with me, and we just did a circular walk around and came home without going to the shop as I thought now it was a bit pointless.
I said we could go later or I'd do an online order.
My tinnitus was quite bad after the walk, so I was in a bit of a mood, and I didnt even get a chance of a beer to relax. I might have to have a diazepam tonight now - though I'm supposed to be coming off them. God - these addictions are just awful, - life consuming and also overlapping, and one thing substitutes another, then you have to deal with that as well!!
Robin2015 gwen45436
Posted
gwen45436 ursulauc62
Posted
Thanks for replying - it really helps.
Hugs
Gwen
ursulauc62 gwen45436
Posted
Hi Gwen,
I was prescribed diazepam first of all about 15 years ago to help with anxiety. I had to do presentations in my job and really panicked about them, and also to help with anxiety when flying, which I used to do quite a bit - I used to lead quite an interesting life which I can hardly believe myself now!
I just kept asking for more prescriptions of diazepam and got them for a few years. I also usd alcohol to cope with stress, Then one day my doctro didnt want to prescribe any more valium, so I ended up doing the stupid thing like some other people do, and ordering them online.
I actually had a Drs appt. this morning and told him about the tinnitus. He prescribed me some tablets called Betahistine which are supposed to help - sometimes prescribed for Menieres disease - though I dont know if thats what I've got. I'm waiting for a follow up ENT appt.
Its good that you are managing to resist the diazepam - takes alot of will power for me.
Hugs to you too.
gwen45436 Robin2015
Posted
Hi Robin, yes negative nowadays, and don't really care for anything except my husband and dog. Life seems pretty pointless these days. I help my hubs run his business and at 66 I stick shimmy up ladders, but my sense of humour is giving in and I know its the booze.
I am finding this site darn good tho.
Regards
Gwen
gwen45436 ursulauc62
Posted
Gwen
Robin2015 gwen45436
Posted
gwen45436
Posted
Just re-read by post about stick shimmy up ladders lol lol - typo guys it should say "I still shimmy up ladders" which I do - just bottle it sometimes coming down from a height and the ole blue suede leg starts. That makes an amusing sight coz hubs has to come up to get me. Gives others a laugh anyway. (Bit of the old sense of humour still around)