Angry husband/intermittent explosive disorder “IED”
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Angry husband/intermittent explosive disorder “IED”
I would like to know if anyone is experiencing issues with their husband and him having an explosive Incredible Hulk like reaction to something very minor. I have been going through this with my husband for quite some time but it keeps escalating and he won’t get counseling. We were on the highway a couple weeks ago and he got angry because we forgot to use these coupons at Home Depot and literally in the middle of the highway he hit the brakes, crossed the lane without even checking, made an illegal U-turn and almost jumped in oncoming traffic. And then he tried to act like he didn’t do anything wrong. He is also a gas lightwe and has some narcissist tendencies. thank God for Pinterest, I found out what narcissism and gaslighting is all about. And it’s making him furious that he’s losing control and that I caught on ti all his BS. I do have to say this may sound contradictory he is a good and kind person but he’s got this serious serious problem and I can’t deal with it any longer. Both of our names are on the house and he doesn’t want to sell, that’s the only thing holding me back from leaving. I'm scared ...sad confused ...and feel very lonely and isolated. going through menopause has made it much more difficult. I find myself most days staring out into the sky and crying wondering what I’m gonna do. I wish there was a team of people that facilitated helping you leave someone. I survived a very damaging childhood and when you survive that you really don’t have a toolbox to address something like this and it’s very painful.
3 likes, 39 replies
kelly55079 lisa95354
Posted
I'm so sorry your going thru this.. It's terrible to put up with his childish tantrums. How long have you been married? And children or family members nearby? I have been married for close to 20 years and my spouse is the same way-- it's like he can't handle life's inconveniences and gets angry.. He too is a good person and kind who works hard for his family and is at all the sporting events for the kids. For years I tried to get him to marriage counseling but he wouldn't go. I go for myself when I need to 'unload' this stuff. But from what I've been told it could be anxiety issues or even BiPolar.... About 3 years ago I asked his parents for help getting him to marriage counseling which they turned it around that I needed the help.. ha My teen boys notice and questions my spouse on his actions so that helps with reality-- they are often more mature than him. I think with his parents talking to him and my kids noticing, he is better and not as many outbursts. I still go to counseling here and there which he hates because he knows it's about him--but I still go. I would make an appt with a therapist, they can help you thru this difficult time. You can also visit a divorce attorney for a free consultation just to gather more information on what you'll need if you choose this route. Life is too short to live like this and I was seriously looking to divorce myself BUT for some reason things have settled down. He still gets angry but not explosive anymore--- maybe with the kids noticing, he's embarrassed IDK. Or maybe he knows it's not good for his health. I also believe he is a narcissist as well, always in denial BUT I try to focus on me. I know with the kids heading off to college in a few years, I too may bolt--or the option is certainly there.
lisa95354 kelly55079
Posted
Kelly, I am taking a deep breath... I have to take a deep breath ..because it is so beautiful the way you opened your heart...again .. I have to take a deep breath and I am physically crying ...because you’re so honest and beautiful, I’m not just saying that ..it’s really beautiful, your honesty! Thank you, it really means so much!
lisa95354 kelly55079
Posted
thank you again Kelly, for the advice, you’re very thoughtful. Here’s the question though does your husband rage on anybody else besides you. And 800 Domestic Violence counselor told me that. He asked me, does he act this way with anyone else and does he act this way at work and I said no and he said see, he can control it. It’s not a mental illness that they can control it is purposeful. I have tried counseling for 20+ years it is hard to find a good counselor around here, I live in a small town. when my doctor suggested therapy it literally took the local facility we have here two months to call me back, yes two months. Because allegedly they have to review all the cases and take the most serious ones first. When they finally called me I said, are you kidding me if I was suicidal I’d be dead by now I have waited two months for you people to call. it had to do with my insurance, I’m on State insurance and if I was on Blue Cross Blue Shield they would’ve called me the next freaking day ! thank you again for your thoughtfulness !
Takingtime lisa95354
Posted
I am very familiar with narcissist behaviours, thankfully not from my husband but from a female friend. It is awful!! They act so sweet and kind and treat you like a weak person and as soon as you stand up to them they lose it and and yell at you and put you down until you feel like you have no value....I have dealt with this emotionally, verbal abusive person for 11 years, and despite me trying to keep this person out of my life, she walks back in like nothing happened and acts all nice and sweet.I finally took a stand and told her she is toxic in my life and we should not be around each other anymore.OF course she spit out abusive words and put me down, but when I walked away I felt a huge sense of peace.I know in a marriage walking away is not as easy. counselling would be so great, but these type of people don't think they are the problem or have the issue.I wish you all the best.
lisa95354 Takingtime
Posted
Takingtime, thank you for your compassion and sharing, my sister is a narcissist as well and I have cut her out of my life. In describing your friend you described my sister. Kudos to you for standing up for yourself, as it is very difficult doing that with a narcissist. I have tiptoed on eggshells with my sister for the last 25+ years, no more. I feel relieved as well. Thanks so much again for sharing !
Takingtime lisa95354
Posted
Walking on eggshells is the perfect description. It took me years because she constantly put me down to the point I felt down about myself and felt I deserved it.....it took the kindness of others to pull me back up and show me my self worth, I went back to school and got my certificate in holistic healing, I overcame fears and anxiety and the more I became confident the more angry she got, but this time I didn't cower, I chose to take my life back and shut the door on the poison she spewed out. I have come to find that she has done this to 50 other women, yet she always said she has passion to empower women......I THINK she has that backward, more like drag them down. Good for you too about breaking the trap with your sister. Breaking free of these people is such a great feeling.
lisa95354 Takingtime
Posted
Takingtime.... The thing with NARCS is, they are the least self-aware people there are on planet earth. that is incredible you went back to school and got a holistic degree, I really admire that. That’s something I should look into as I’m very passionate about Holistic remedies. Props to you girl 😉 when a NARC leaves you alone Ive learned it’s because they’re getting their “supply and demand' met elsewhere. I had a really good quote I got somewhere for that. It says when they’re off using other people, others don’t even cross their mind, and they don’t want to be bothered by others . They also don’t want others around because you can see the façade. It’s actually the most bizarre troubling personality type out there. Good for you for moving on 😃
lisa95354 Takingtime
Posted
Takingtime.... my friend Sharyn was a huge narcissist, she didn’t put me down but she had many other traits. What I read on Pinterest coupled with her telling me that she flat out asked her daughter if her daughter thought she was a narcissist, really set off bells and whistles for me. This is what I had in my notes field of my phone about her/NARCS
"Narcissists never enter into conversations. They enter into verbal competitions. Their goal is to win at all costs. They have no interest in seeking understanding, clarification or compromise, or in reaching a meeting of the minds. Their conversations are only meant to manipulate, confuse, control, destabilize, deflect accountability, cast doubt, distort reality and create drama."
That’s my friend Sharyn to the T, I know longer speak to her either, and it’s my sister !
Takingtime lisa95354
Posted
Everything you are describing is EXACTLY her!It took me years to know what the name of what I was dealing with. They seem to prey on empathetic people as empaths are sensitive beings. Empaths tend to be drawn to holistic healing so that doesn't surprise me that you are drawn to it, as you like me are a magnet to these people..lol BUT we also know there is a time to shut them out, unfortunately we have to be hurt several times before hand. Thank you so much for bringing more understanding to the hell I was put through, but as I said it made me a stronger person.❤
lisa95354 Takingtime
Posted
Takingtime.... it took me years as well, when you read related material on the Internet, everybody says the same thing. I have a friend who is like 63 and she didn’t discover her mother was a narcissist I think until her mid-50s, or at least that there was a name for it. it’s great that it made you stronger and I read they search out Empaths 😉
patti56271 lisa95354
Posted
I know what you mean. I had a damaging childhood myself and before I married, I was in a relationship with an abusive narcissistic man who belittled me every step of the way.
I was depressed and lost confidence in myself, not to mention the fear I would feel when he got into one of his rages
Please dont stress alone. This increases cortisol and lowers estrogen and it will affect your health even more.
There are online forums for support for women trapped in narcissistic relationships.
Also, make sure you are well protected financially before you take big decisions
Take care
Desertrose99864 lisa95354
Edited
hi lisa. i have recently found out that my husband has IED . we married 7 months back . and i faced and suffered several attacks of his IED phase. by nature my husband is egoistic and arrogant person .he is from different Ethinticity.
before marriage he was a quiet and shy person he got upset 2 or 3 times but not this much severe. after marriage i travelled to his country and lived with him in his flat for 6 weeks. there i saw a different person at home. in the beginning over a petty and minor issues he started shouting and yelling and start throwing things for no reason. where i kept quiet and started noticing his behaviour. at the end he cried infront of me and apologised for his actions and words and it still happening the same he makes a mess and than apologise. when in anger he says the rubbish things which no one can tolerate. but infront of people he don't show these signs and asked me not to tell my family about his behaviour. i belong to a very loving family. and never gone through these situations before.
In anger he starts punching on the car steering and walls.he is very abusive.
i have discussed with my family and friends about his behaviour. they all asked me to resign from my job and moved to his country and live with him permanently. they say that these all misunderstanding are because of far distance relationship and when i will start living with him permanently then he will be fine.
last week i sent him one message on WhatsApp and delete it. he threaten me that if i will delete any message again he will divorce me. in response i got very upset and told him that with this behaviour i will never come to him .where at the end he apologised.
the worst thing is he is not forming any physical relation with me and in anger he said 3 times on different occasion that i am not having martial relation with u because u do a lot of mistakes and i am still checking on you. i really don't understand his intentions and plans.
its very hard for me to decide and i am little afraid of his sudden reactions .my family want this marriage to be successful at any cost and i am not sure whether i should leave my career and start over again in new country with him.i am waiting for my visa then ill resign from my job.
i hope that he might get better with time and therapy or after kids he would try to control his anger infront of kids.
patti56271 Desertrose99864
Edited
@Desertrose99864
I am not a psychologist or anything but reading your post rang some alarm bells. You say your husband is very careful about his "image" in public and has implored you not to tell anyone about his anger issues.
You have seen a violent, manipulative, cruel and controlling man when you were alone with him.
All this indicates that he is well aware of his personality and has chosen not to get any help. I cant speak for your family/friends but PLEASE think and understand the consequences of giving up your job, your freedom, country and all that you know to be with this insane man.
He will not change more likely he will gaslight you and blame everything on you for " making" him lose his temper and you will end up being lonely and confused.
Also, what if he attacks you violently? Where will you go and whom will you turn to for help. I dont know why but am afraid for you if you will leave everything for this man
Spend some time with him safely but keep your job and an avenue open to return if things get bad.Good luck
Desertrose99864 patti56271
Posted
thank you so much patti56271. i will give it a serious thought.
kelly55079 Desertrose99864
Edited
I agree with Patti... You need to seriously rethink about this situation.. It's abuse and I think it will only get worse or it usually does. When you move to his country, I feel you'll be stuck--- no job, no family, etc....
angelina73017 Desertrose99864
Posted
please please please don't leave everything. I left everything and moved to my husband's country. That was a mistake as a person and as a wife. His problem is his problem and now that you know, I hope you consider reducing your losses. best of luck to you ❤
Desertrose99864 angelina73017
Edited
i am already in his country.. the Sadest part is i came from my country with my cat "Sammy". and he was agree with this.after 1 week he asked me to leave my cat with my Parents .last december i went but he couldnt adjust there and i brought him back and booked a cargo flight to US after 3 days of my arrival.it hurted his Ego and he threw my baggage when he entered home and he shouted he hit Sammy twice and tried to lock me up in a room but fortunately he couldn't find a key. i asked him to leave me at his mother home. from there i escaped went to next city by train and reported Police.Police sent me to Women shelter house .i sent Sammy to my sister in US. i hired a lawyer and applied for official divorce. and after 6 months Sammy is back from US and now we staying together in a seperate apartment in his city 😃