Can anxiety/depression stop feelings of love?
Posted , 143 users are following.
Hello
I have been happily married for a long time. We've had our ups and downs, like any normal marriage, but there's always been a lot of love.
We've just come through a horrifically stressful 18 months, mainly due to financial worries. I have felt permanently stressed, worried, very vulnerable and often humiliated (unable to pay for school trips, turning down social invitations etc). My self esteem has taken a battering and some days have been so hard. But, I've soldiered on, kept my chin up and still took a lot of comfort in the fact that, despite everything, we still had each other and we still had a lot of love.
But, these last 6 weeks something has changed. I'm experiencing feelings of anxiety and panic. I can only feel negative about life. All my optimism has gone, and I feel like I have nothing left to fight with anymore.
But, the very worst thing is that I feel like I don't have any love left for my husband anymore. It's all gone. When I look at him, I just feel tense and anxious. Just him being around makes me feel worse, and I have to force myself to be affectionate, and I have to pretend to be my normal myself. I genuinely feel that if I won the Lottery tomorrow I would walk away from him, and never look back. There's been a few rare flashes of the old loving feelings these last few weeks, but that's all.
I feel calmer, more centered when I'm alone, or with our children. The moment my husband walks in from work I tense up, I feel more anxious and I try to avoid him in the house. When only 2-3 months ago, cuddling up on the sofa with him was the best part of my day.
I don't understand what is happening to me? Have I stopped loving him, because I'm depressed/suffering with anxiety? Or, am I suffering with depression/anxiety because I have stopped loving him?
There's no denying that deep down I probably hold him responsibile for our current financial difficulties. He's a very clever man, but he's made a few reckless decisions, and he admits that often he doesn't 'work smart' but busies himself with stuff that interests him, rather than work that would be more financially productive. Added to this, he's admitted he feels very down and withdrawn, and certainly he's not the optimistic, dynamic man I knew and loved only a few months ago. But, he's still affectionate and caring towards me.
I would really appreciate it if anyone could respond and reassure me that something similar has happened to them, and that's it's down to anxiety/depression. Otherwise I can't believe that 20 years of marriage has come to an end.
Thank you.
13 likes, 200 replies
gregp2112 liz54943
Posted
Question for you Liz, does your husband work full time?? You said you have financial issues, well hate to break it to you, but you using that against him and holding him reliable is just going to make matters worse. It sounds to me that you are comparing him to other people which you can not do , be thankful he has a job and he works. You said you said you work part time. what I am trying to say is you can't hold he reliable for your financial worries, now if he was a bum and didn't work full time then yes you could be uoset about that but nowadays be thankful your husband has a job and he goes to work . Sit down with him and go over your finances and budget yourselves. You're a team not enemies, you're both in this together , stop thinking about what you could have or what you should have.My wife suffers from depression and anxiety also and when money got tight she wouId immediately attack me and say that I don't make enough money
gregp2112 liz54943
Posted
Word of advice stop blaming your husband for financial worries , people always think they could have it better , or compare their lives to others, be thankful he works, Love isn't about money , if you think it is then you ain't nuttin but a Gold digger. Do you have a roof over your head, do you have food going in ypur mouth do you have clothes on your back?? Then guess what you're blessed , be thankful for what you have , budget your money don't blame your husband for financial worries , work with him not against him , ypu married him because you both fell in love and made a commitment to God. Being selfish isn't going to get you anymore , and making your husband feel he isn't a good provider is just going to make matters worse. Stop thinking about your needs and think about your husband needs as well , a guy needs to feel Loved by his wife to succeed if he doesn't he will just think you're being a bitch and say frig you and hold up walls. If a girl makes her man feel loved it will make him want to succeed and provide more for his family. But if you're making him feel worthless then you won't get anymore.. and I get news for you he knows when you're faking it about wanting to hold your hand etc.. So your job is to put yourself in his shoes and fix this considering you're the one that has anxiety and depression and blaming him for your struggles , sorry to be harsh but I deal with the same crap with my wife. Just remember Grass isn't Greener on the other side, Selfishness is
hankaoo liz54943
Posted
Thank you all for being so brave and sharing your experience.
My boyfriend that I know I love very much has recently left to France for a few weeks. Ever since that I am constantly doubting my feelings for him. On one side, I know I love him, he is everything I have ever wanted, on the other hand I am asking myself: but do I really? And as one of you said, I am sure if I didn't care I wouldnt be so stressed about it.
To understand my situation (and this is also how I explain this situation to myself):
In September, I moved away from my parents to study university. Then it all started. I felt anxious all the time and was scared of losing my family. I just couldn't help myself and think about how one day they won't be here. I felt like crying, screaming and as if everything was falling down on me.
Two weeks ago when I came home for a weekend I found my parents crazily angry at each other, my mother sad and hopeless and my dad too. You see, I don't come home too often since I am quite busy so I am always very looking forward to seeing them. But this absolutely destroyed my mood.
Since that weekend, I suffered with depressions and anxieties and it didn't take too long to start doubting my own feelings for the one I love. I guess, seeing my parents so unhappy, I kind of stopped believing in my relationship.
And I want to thank all of you because even writing this is such a relief. Your stories have been so helpful and I realised that I cannot stand in my own way to happiness. This Sunday, I will see him, and cannot wait for him to hold me in his arms. I am still feeling a bit doubtful but I believe that after talking to him all will go back to normal.
gregp2112 hankaoo
Posted
What you're going through is normal, everyone has some type of of anxiety and depression . Does it bother you that your boyfriend went to France without you?? We're you kind of skeptical about what he is doing out there with you?, Did that cross your mind . Another thing is when you love someone so much we as humans start to question if your partner loves you the same way , sometimes we dout ourselves and think how can someone actually love me the same way I love them? so we tend to put a wall up basically protecting ourselves from being hurt. So again were you a hundred percent ok with your boyfriend leaving for France? People say we trust each other but if you think about it trust in a relationship is never fully there, considering if you love someone so much you start to don't they love you the same , so we tend to analyze crazy stuff in our heads . You having doubts about your boyfriend is normal. Best advice I can give you is tell yourself you can't force someone to love you , you will fight for that person but you won't chase them. I deal with the same stuff with my wife at times . We are only human and we experience every type of emotion which makes it hard to fully love someone a hundred percent considering we always hold that wall up to protect ourselves. Everyone has a bit of insecurities in them whether you believe it or not we all do, and those insecurities will sometimes haunt.you , all you can do is be yourself and Love yourself, Love.your boyfriend the way you want to be loved even if you have doubts because I'm sure he has those mixed feelings also at times, just remember Grass isn't greener on the other side, Selfishness is
S11348 hankaoo
Posted
Honestly you might of read my story about my boyfriend in Iraq and I can relate to you sooo much ! You're so right , we can't let our own minds stand in the way of love and happiness !! It's always good to know it's normal how you feel ??
girl51251 liz54943
Posted
Hi
I decided to write about my experience, as this post was helpful / of interest to me when I was sort of experiencing a similar thing.
I was in a year long relationship, very serious and intensely loving, when I fell asleep one day, feeling madly in love, and then woke up the next day, and felt distant. He felt like a stranger to me. He was doing all the normal cute adorable things that would make my heart sing, but they were not hitting the spot - I felt non-responsive. I was so confused...what could this mean? I was madly in love, deeply truly so happy, I adored him. How could I feel so distant and remote? That is when I got anxiety for the first time in my life. My chest tight and my heart pounding, for three days, until I got away from him. I then spent weeks and weeks trying to fight my way back to loving him, but the distance remained. I was traumatised. I was thinking "this is the love of my life, I have the best time with him, I have never been so so so so happy - how could I have lost this?". I hated myself, I felt like I was sabotaging my own happiness. In the end, I had to break up with him. My body wouldn't play ball, and the loving feelings just wouldn't return. For me, it has been a long process to unpick WHY the loving feelings wouldn't return. It turned out, he had been emotionally manipulative and controlling throughout the relationship and had reduced my self-esteem, without me realising. During the relationship, I truly did not realise it was happening. But deep down inside, some part of me knew things were wrong, and shut down the loving feelings, and started up the anxiety, to get me out of there. I now have therapy to unpick WHY I would let someone do that to me, and it turns out I have childhood issues that I have been running away from my whole life. I get very angry that I loved him and trusted him, and in return, he manipulated me so thoroughly and weakened me so much, but I hope that this can be the catalyst for me finally becoming happy, and not letting the past dictate who I am. I am in charge now. I know this post may not be totally relevant, as I do not generally suffer from anxiety/depression, but it may be of some use so I thought I would share.
tracy33590 girl51251
Posted
Hi bless you it is a horrible feeling. I am feeling the same with my husband. I feeling I have nothing more to give anymore just keep having times when I start having second thoughts about my situation. I am trying to bring my feelings back but I just can't.
I just feel I am being taken for a mug. It is nice to hear that I am not the only person feeling like this, I feel that I'm not normal.
alisha1409 liz54943
Posted
I've had these feelings on and off for two years now and it started when my bf when travelling for 7 weeks over the summer. It was so hard for the both of us but we were doing fine until the last few weeks of his trip. It was like someone switched the lights off and all my feelings went off too.
It was terrifying. I couldn't feel anything for him even tho I knew I loved him!?
That was my first time experiencing "relationship anxiety". When he arrived home I was distance at first and explained to him what was going on
*HONESTLY IS BEST and if he cares for your mental health he won't get hurt over your feelings and anxieties*
From then on I've gone through stages of being completely fine and seeing clearly and knowing I love him and life is ok and I'm happy ! But that can change in a day. Suddenly I'm panicking and questioning my love for him !
What you need to know is you're not a bad person for having these thoughts and feelings !! ITS OK TO FEEL THIS WAY
Life isn't easy ! We all go through so much we don't realise how it can take a toll on us! We also don't realise how easily we are infulenced by things around us ! breathe and calm.
Also fighting with your partner- him hurting you and betraying your trust in the slightest can make you start to get anxious. Your head then gets filled with all sorts and you're thinking too much and making everything worse ! Stop it ! Think about him. Your love. The feelings you crave. Think about when they'll return. Once you can accept these feelings and thoughts things start to get easier. You won't be your loving self that easily but time will tell.
I went on citolapram to help and it did help! My anxiety vanished and I could see clearler. My head wasn't filled with nonsense and I felt happier. BUT DONT RELY ON MEDS !! The meds took away my sex drive. Me and my partner have a wonderful sex life but the meds made it hard for me to get in the mood and climaxing was impossible. IF HE LOVES YOU AND CARES ABOUT YOU HE WONT JUDGE U OR GET MAD ABOUT THIS. second big thing to worry about ... SSRIS ARE KNOWN TO CAUSE EMOTION NUMBING. YOU CAN START TO FEEL COLD/ NUMB and with that comes the same dead feelings for your partner. It was horrible for me. We spent a weekend all loved up and happy. During the week we work and study and don't get a chance to see each other which is hard and is one of the reasons I get anxious. SERIOUSLY THO MY HAPPY LOVED UP FEELINGS STOPPED AND I COULDNT FEEL A THING FOR HIM. I WAS LOOKING AT HIM WANTING TO FEEL SOMETHING BUT I COULDNT. and I was having fun with him ! I was still laughing and smiling but DEEP DOWN I FELT DEAD AND DARK. a weekend together seemed to fix it and I felt all those warm feelings come back. I HAVE STOPPED THE MEDS AND WILL FIND SOMETHING ELSE OTHER THAN CITOLAPRAM TO TAKE. THERAPY OR BETTER MEDS.
I know this is a lot to take in but you can't be hard on yourself. You must love yourself and try to calm. Do things you love. Get a hobby see friends go out and party get busy!! These things help. See your man and DO FUN THINGS TOGETHER. watch a movie go on walks go ice skating literally do things that excite you! Don't force yourself to LOVE him. Deep down you do but the anxiety is blocking it all.
And OFC --- THINK ABOUT THE KINDA MAN HE IS. DOES HE TREAT YOU RIGHT? DOES HE KNOW WHAT YOURE GOING THRU? TELL HIM. I TOLD MY MAN EVERYTHING AND HE LISTENED AND HES HELPING ME EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. THATS THE KINDA PARTNER YOU NEED. loving kind fair and helpful. Make sure they take care of you and treat you right. And love yourself. This is one of the hardest things I've felt and I know it doesn't have to be the end of a happy relationship . Don't let anxiety take over xx
Teen37818 alisha1409
Posted
Thank you for the pep talk - it's helped quite a bit. I do love him very much and get anxious about recriprocating that love but I know that if he's any kind of a partner he'll listen without judgement. Thanks again.
tracy33590 alisha1409
Posted
Hi Alisha, Your Situation sounds so much like mine. I just feel I have had so much to deal with in my life over the past 2 years. I just feel dead and and having negative thoughts and just don't feel I love my husband. I feel that people don't understand how I feel and I find it hard to explain. I am having therapy but don't want to go back on mess.
Xx
alisha1409 tracy33590
Posted
Thanks for responding.
It's really hard to feel this way. I'm a mess all day long. I go from feeling fine to sad and depressing and anxious to fine again. I talk to him about it a lot and he comforts me the best he can but he can't fully help as he doesn't know what it's like to feel how I'm feeling. I went on citolapram a while ago and it really helped. Went back on it a month ago then stopped as it made me feel dumb and I had no sex drive. Now back on it and giving it a chance as I'm falling to pieces. Meds aren't totally bad. Give them a try and they take a good month or so to fully kick in
I'm going on holiday with my family for a week and am dreading being away from him and all the panic and anxiety I'm going to feel. I just want to "feel" again.
alisha1409 liz54943
Posted
Gone from feeling super positive and in love to being taken over my intrusive dark thoughts
Really struggling and I feel insane
Just want to feel love for My boyfriend how I usually do and stop the voices in my head
Help x
Teen37818 alisha1409
Posted
I'm sorry you are having these feelings- my situation is opposite in that I have strong feelings and he is guarded and pushing me away.
With that I can say that on the "non" receiving end is not easy either. I want to be patient with him because I sense he feels the way you do but there are days I just want to shake him.
So - my advice to you is be supportive to yourself. You will have good days and bad days. You love him but you're unable to express it. Give yourself a break and share that with him. It's worse if you keep it inside. You might be surprised at his response.
I hope that helps. Hang in there.
jarrett_96320 liz54943
Posted
hello everyone im back once again seeking desperate answers.i can not figure out if i have just lost feelings or if this is anxiety anymore everything just feels so numb and im getting very sad because im losing hope and the only thing i can this is that its over and thats scaring me so much. another thing thats scaring me is im so scared about changing when i go to college and grow apart from my girlfriend!it scares me so much and the thought that i may never get my feelings back is heartbreaking.i used to worry a lot as a child and i also went through a depression/anxiety period about two years ago. Also in my first two relationships they both ended with the girls breaking my heart so i dont know if this is me trying to protect myself with anxiety or if it's really losing feelings. i know that i love her deep down i just cant feel anything and its so frustrating. before all this started i was so happy and then suddenly i got all anxious and everything just went crazy.i loved spending time with her, but now i just feel sad when im with her because im afraid that my feelings may be true feelings..ive read sheryl pauls blog a lot and it helps until i find something new to obsess over and now i just feel like my feelings are just gone but she never says anything about if you actually do lose feelings so someone please guide me someone whos been through this or knows about this please help me i really need someone. :cry:
samantha1492 jarrett_96320
Posted
hi jarrett, i know exactly how you have been feeling. i've been this way for months and i finally feel like i'm starting to get a bit better. are you taking any medication or seeing a therapist? that honestly has helped me a lot through all of this. college is definately a tough time to go through something like this. you need to think about the positives of your girlfriend- what do you feel when she's not around, do you miss her or are you happy you are not spending time with her. when i was younger and i lost feeling for my ex i knew it was over because i wanted nothing to do with him, i didn't want him touching me, saying cute things, everything he did annoyed me and i was waiting for a reason to end it. if you don't feel any of that than it's probably anxiety. with my new relationship i asked myself the same questions but i never felt the same way i did with my ex. i still enjoy talking to him hanging out with him and doing things with him. sometimes my anxiety gets so bad that i overthink everything too so i know exactly how you feel. trying to be positive is the first step and i'm still working on that step too. you are not alone and knowing that other people have been feeling this way gives me some type of piece of mind that i'm not the only one suffering
Ashley025 jarrett_96320
Posted
Jarett
If the feelings are not there anymore try to break things up then. Life is too short to be unhappy. You're both young. Let her be happy with someone else then. You can find someone too.
If you still have feelings try to work things out you're probably over thinking things and love her.