Can anxiety/depression stop feelings of love?
Posted , 143 users are following.
Hello
I have been happily married for a long time. We've had our ups and downs, like any normal marriage, but there's always been a lot of love.
We've just come through a horrifically stressful 18 months, mainly due to financial worries. I have felt permanently stressed, worried, very vulnerable and often humiliated (unable to pay for school trips, turning down social invitations etc). My self esteem has taken a battering and some days have been so hard. But, I've soldiered on, kept my chin up and still took a lot of comfort in the fact that, despite everything, we still had each other and we still had a lot of love.
But, these last 6 weeks something has changed. I'm experiencing feelings of anxiety and panic. I can only feel negative about life. All my optimism has gone, and I feel like I have nothing left to fight with anymore.
But, the very worst thing is that I feel like I don't have any love left for my husband anymore. It's all gone. When I look at him, I just feel tense and anxious. Just him being around makes me feel worse, and I have to force myself to be affectionate, and I have to pretend to be my normal myself. I genuinely feel that if I won the Lottery tomorrow I would walk away from him, and never look back. There's been a few rare flashes of the old loving feelings these last few weeks, but that's all.
I feel calmer, more centered when I'm alone, or with our children. The moment my husband walks in from work I tense up, I feel more anxious and I try to avoid him in the house. When only 2-3 months ago, cuddling up on the sofa with him was the best part of my day.
I don't understand what is happening to me? Have I stopped loving him, because I'm depressed/suffering with anxiety? Or, am I suffering with depression/anxiety because I have stopped loving him?
There's no denying that deep down I probably hold him responsibile for our current financial difficulties. He's a very clever man, but he's made a few reckless decisions, and he admits that often he doesn't 'work smart' but busies himself with stuff that interests him, rather than work that would be more financially productive. Added to this, he's admitted he feels very down and withdrawn, and certainly he's not the optimistic, dynamic man I knew and loved only a few months ago. But, he's still affectionate and caring towards me.
I would really appreciate it if anyone could respond and reassure me that something similar has happened to them, and that's it's down to anxiety/depression. Otherwise I can't believe that 20 years of marriage has come to an end.
Thank you.
13 likes, 200 replies
hannah88278 liz54943
Posted
Ah Liz please don't give up! I'm in the receiving end of a relationship like this and I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. My husband who is suffering from anxiety and depression has started to tell me he doesn't love me anymore and never has and thinks we should separate. I'm worried it's the Depression talking and throwing out marriage away is the wrong thing to do right now! Don't give up, fight for your relationship... I wish my other half would!
Ashley025 hannah88278
Posted
I'm sorry Hannah.
He does LOVE you. I've said horrible things to my mother when I was depressed and frustrated.😫😭😞 Don't listen to him he is mad he probably is feeling down and wants you out because he's trying to harm himself. I would react like that because I wanted my mom to hate me so I could kill myself without feeling guilty. I was so down at the time. And felt i didnt deserve her love. We say mean things but we DONT mean it.💚 Stay strong get him help.💪💜He needs you right now. Be there for him. His depression is the one talking.
ash63002 liz54943
Posted
Hi Liz54943,
It's been 3 years since you wrote this. I am in the similar situation. How are you ?
Cheers
Ash
Ashley025 liz54943
Posted
Liz
What's wrong you're supposed to stick around with your husband in the bad times too. When you love someone you stick with them through thick and thin. You don't leave them when they are in a bad place. He's probably depressed too because of the financial situation. Don't leave him you still love him. It's the depression that is making you feel this way. Money doesn't matter. Unless things are so bad you can be homeless well then ask for help from Family or friends. But dont leave him. Things might not be good right now but they will get better. Just stay with him and be positive for him and motivate him to keep going strong. He's down right now he NEEDS you. Don't be selfish. Remember the good times you had. He loves you. You will regret it. Good guys are hard to find. If you break his heart always know someone else will be there to APPRECIATE him. He's a good man. Who cares if he's broke right now. You will get through this. Money isn't everything in Life you know.
Ashley025 liz54943
Posted
Not trying to sound mean but really? Money? No wonder he's depressed he probably feels you want to leave him.
Sad. Love is horrible. You love someone more but they don't love you as much and will turn their back on you.😫😑
Aspinan liz54943
Posted
Hi Liz, depression and anxiety can cause us to think very differently and makes any underlying issue such as your resentment become all consuming, one thing leads to another thought and you start not looking forward to him coming home because of how it makes you feel and you start to think you don't love him. your deoression has caused these feelings not the other way round although the financial difficulties could well have triggered the depression in you both.
You sound like your both in a dark place, your marriage is not over and you will both get through this time, stronger than ever I have no doubt.
christina03103 liz54943
Posted
How did it turn out for you?
gregp2112 liz54943
Posted
Hi Liz, my wife suffers from anxiety and depression also and through the years we have run into financial problems and everytime we do my wife automatically points fingers at me and says I don't make enough money and criticizes me and says don't you want to make more money and better.yourself and provide better for the family ? The funny thing is my wife cant hold a job she quits every job she gets and blames it on her anxiety, but when she does work and holds onto a job we are able to live normal and she doesn't understand that. When things get on track for her and I when she works she will eventually quit the job and make an excuse to why she had to leave and then she waits until money runs low and then bam blames me for it when I am the one that constantly works. I know anxiety and depression is a sickness but it also takes a toll on your partner that doesn't have it. When my wife points fingers at me all it does is makes me angry and makes me think she is falling out of love with me. She always compares me to other people and says someone is always better then I am , I just tell her go find someone that makes more money then me if that's what you need in your life. I could see if I sat around all day and did nothing but I work my butt off , mynwife just doesn't know what it means to budget she feels like money just grows on trees and that she should be able to spend whenever she wants to. So by her putting me down and making me feel like I am not good enough it just makes me feel like I need to be with someone else , someone that is ok with working and working as a time , part of me feels like she is retarded that she doesn't understand that concepts of money and budgeting considering she knows when she does work things are fine and bills are paid and we have money in are pockets but her depression and anxiety just makes her point fingers at me and she likes to blame me for running out of money when she is the one that needs to look in the mirror at herself and think she is the reason . I realize through the years my wife's depression makes her very selfish and it gets her to the point that it's all about her. I love her with all my heart but don't know how much more of this I can take because it is a vicious circle of back and fourth , to the point when she does put me down that I don't know if she is telling me the truth or it's just her sickness talking , all it does is keep me with a question mark on my head wondering if she does love me or not or is she just keeping me around until something better comes around . I pray.to God everyday that she gets the help she needs and things get better because I am at the point now where I am feeling like whatever happens happens , I been putting up with this for years. Liz do you work? Because your husband is probably feeling the same way about you , to make a marriage work you habe to put yourself in your partners shoes, if you can not do that and work as a team your marriage will fail and that's what's wrong with people today theybare very selfish it's easy to blame someone else for.your problems
jo651107 gregp2112
Posted
Hello again Greg.I do hope that you are all ok.
Further to my last reply to you. Just thought I would pen a note of hope for you. As I said in my last replies, I do fully understand the position you are in.
My husband has been getting individual counselling for some months now. Its early days and his counsellor is now getting below the surface. He has hidden anger, his counsellor says that he has passive aggressive tendencies. And because someone else pointed theae things out to him (other than me) he believes it now.. So progress is being made.
As for the committment I have to our marriage, I have soent the last couple of weeks mapping out my life. Not so much looking for patterns but to see common threads in my own moods and behaviour. It was tough, and it was hard and it was profoundly upsetting. I have never, unlike your poorly wife, hidden from my illness or symptoms and have always sought help, only to be told by the gp that its an isolated incident.
Sadly mine probably started in childhood and a series of countless tramaruc experiences since have moulded me into who i am today. I have not given up hope. My husband accepts how his words and behaviour have impacted our lives together and heightened my own illnesses, moods and behaviour. And trust me when I say i am truly not blameless. So I have found the strength to map put my lifetime. And there are links and patterns. So I have over the past week or so dealt with my gp by phone to insist that a full assessment be done in my case. So i have a psychiatrists appt on the 10th august. I have put together a full dosier of information about the patterns to my illness. Triggers etc. Full family history. Christ even my school reports from 1977-1982. Thankfully they are now taking me seriously.
I have read that you love your wife. Try to encourage her to go to get help. She has a similar partern to me, without the budgeting etc. I do all of those things after finding myself in a boatload of debt in earlt 2000's. Whatver my illnesses I swore that it would never happen again and it hasnt.
I have had 21 jobs since 2000. And I agree with earlier posts from others in similar positions. Ive always coped and did excellent work. After 2-3 months my symptoms would start and i made an excuse to leave. Which caused shock to those I worked with because they thought I was happy and a solid member of the team. Inside I was fighting my own demons. When i left them it brought about a serious bout of depression which lasted for months. Because I thought I was a failure. My husband siad once in an argument that I had never had a full time job since we met. That stung me and has eaten away at me for some years as it was untrue and a cruel thing to say to someone who was clearly vulnerable at the time. Hurtful things said to someone suffering from a mental illness is compounded tenfold.
I have and continue to do everything to work towards living as normal a life as I possibly can. I have a good pension which takes the strain when i cant work. My husband will benefit from that if I happen to die before him as he gets 50% of it for the rest of his life.
So I can only hope that your wife gets some help and it sounds like this is no quick fix. But one small step, etc. As for yourself, try to get some support. Its only through my persuasion to encourage my husband to do the same, has he been able to see where is behaviour has had a negative impact on our lives. And trust me its taken some years to get him to this point.
If your wife wont get help, the chances are she will lose you and you both come out of the relationship broken in some way. I hope and pray that doesnt happen. There are also many websites with what to say and what not to say to someone with a mental illness. I sent my husband links to everything with advice on both sides of the fence by email a few weeks ago now. And it all comes down to understanding each other, and walking off the battlefield. It destroys relationships and damages the health and wellbeing of all caught up in it.
So I dearly wish you well. Get some help and advice. There is no shame in it. It will make you stronger and more resilient and more importantly it will make you more informed about how best to deal with things.
My heart goes out to you both. When you next see your wife....give her a huge hug from me. She is not alone....and nor are you.
Finally, be kind to yourself.
Kindest regards
Jo
yaso93249 liz54943
Posted
Hey,
I know the discussion is from a years ago
I just wanna share my own story ..
I was engaged for almost 4 months and know each other for 2 months before engagement
I feel like all of you just after 1 month and half from engagement
Once we set together a voice in my head told me that "this man will never be your husband "
And from this point my life turn over by 90 degree
Love is fade away ... a lot of questions in my head am i really love him?!
Is that the one?!
Why couldn't I feel as before?!
I can't look at his face anymore i feel sick when we are at home
This situation took me to obbsession and horrible panic attacks and i lost my passion in life and decided to fight aganist my own thoughts
Deeply i know i love him and he is perfect enough to me
I stand for 2 months through tears and fear
I tried every single way to love him again but every time i feel love wz him it just fade away after i get home and sleep and wake up my thoughts attack me again in a harder way
At the last week i couldn't see any thing at him unless his bad things i feel sad and pain and emotionless when we together
I hated the way he talk he act he live and start to treat him in agressive way
Every good thing i loved about him turn into horrible thing in my eyes
So at least i decided to breakup
Now it's a month after breakup i feel like i had never loved him i become more stable less irritable and think i was stressed my self in this relationship and stress myself to love him was the cause of my obbsession and fear
I feel guilty as i break his heart but deep inside i know it's the good for him
He deserves a girl who give him the true love not a fake one
And me too deserve to live a happy life wz out doubts and fear
Ashley025 yaso93249
Posted
Hey Yaso
I hope you did the right thing sometimes we do things then later regret them. Sounds like you are a good person you decided to end it now and not wait till later. It would only have hurt him more.👍Take Care💜 Good Luck🙌Hope you find the happiness you deserve.
ellebi Ashley025
Posted
It's so hard to know when your suffering with mental illness what's going on. Relationships are so hard when ur ill as I know only too well
yaso93249 ellebi
Posted
Sometime it's not an illness ,it's just a fact we don't want to face or admit so, we go through self conflict which damage us
And as a defence mechanism aganist our thoughts we go into depression and fear
That's a cycle from hell 😔
Really it's not easy to breakup because there is no more love in your heart .. but i think we should face ourselves with the truth even if it's painful
Ashley025 ellebi
Posted
Hey ellebi
I agree when you're suffering inside you might end up hurting the wrong person. Like in Depression so many people post saying how they have lost their feelings for their partner. How can that happen? I think it's the problem they are facing at the time, depression or any other illness they have which makes them think this way.😑I just hope they get help. Therapy, maybe its not loss of feelings but depression. When you're depressed everything seems so negative and wrong. Nothing makes you happy.
gregp2112 Ashley025
Posted
That's like any relationship , if you can't be happy with yourself then their is no way you can be happy with your partner, A person with depression and anxiety has a hard time being happy with themselves so it makes it real hard for the partner that isnt suffering to really feel happiness. I feel my wife loves me at times but with her depression it's like she holds a wall into me that keeps me guessing if she is really happy with me or not. It sucks to be honest because when she does show me love I always have a question mark in the back of my head saying Does she? I am constantly analyzing things in my head and it isn't healthy . I know she has a sickness and I do my best to not let interfere but to be honest she knows exactly what buttons to press to get me bent out of shape and make me feel that I am not good enough for her when an episode occurs. I took me years and a lot of reading to fully understand what depression and anxiety is , back then there was nothing really on it so when she did have an episode and treated me like crap I would take it to heart and act out on it but everytime I would pack my stuff and leave she would chase me back , it's like a cat and mouse game with Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde, best way I can describe it. So not going to lie it's been a very tough road with her but I know I love her and would feel horrible if I ever lost her but nowadays I just feel like I am drained and just want to be happy. I dealt with this for a long time and told her numerous times if she isn't happy to just leave me , because as much as I love her I told her I just want her.to be happy and if that means leaving me then so be it , I learned a lot through this marriage with her and took a lot of mental abuse . So my heart goes out.to everyone that deals with this because it isn't easy but all I can say is for the people that don't suffer from this depression and anxiety and you are with partners that do, you are big hearted people for putting up with this , whether that is a good thing.or a bad thing it's just the way we are and my best advice is try to focus on your happiness because I know that person makes you feel like you're a convienece store, but also remember that your partner that is suffering does love you deep down inside but to get through this you have to find your happiness whether it's letting them go or sticking by them. It's a horrible thing and I pray everyday that my wife gets the help she needs and her and I can be 100 percent happy in love. When she has an episode I just walk away and she eventually comes to me , but the day she doesn't come to me will be my answer.
Ashley025 gregp2112
Posted
Hey Greg
I agree every relationship must have its ups and downs. I wouldn't know but I see it happen with others all the time. Being there for someone who has depression, or Anxiety or both is difficult they may say things they don't mean I do that too. But I decided to change I explain myself to my mother so she understands why I act the way I do. I know it's hard for her. I see the pain I have caused but this was time ago now I am nice and I don't take it out on others. (My frustrations) It's not their fault. I've been on the verge of suicide I felt terrible because I treated my family so badly. I would argue all the time with them. Now I am settled I think it's because it's more depression now. I feel overwhelmed and sad so I no longer am mean towards them. The thing that made me change was my prior two suicide attempts they were there for me so I feel guilty. Everything can be worked out if she's like me maybe she doesn't mean it in a bad way. I don't. I impulsively say things I don't mean. I don't know why. I'm just irritated at the time. It comes with both problems I have. Depression, GAD. I agree with you I would feel i drained my family out constantly arguing. I am not happy with myself I lost that 7 years ago. I used to be confident not anymore. My depression is taking me down. Thanks for your input I learned a lot and now I know how both sides suffer.
👍 You're a good husband.
Ashley025 gregp2112
Posted
I think she has to tell you how she really feels. I suffer from Depression and GAD and try to explain myself to my mother. Now she understands why I act the way I do. My problem is different though it happens with my family. (My mother) principally. Thanks for posting I feel I now understand everything.👍
ellebi gregp2112
Posted
ellebi Ashley025
Posted
ellebi Ashley025
Posted
Ashley025 ellebi
Posted
No if he loves he would want to stay by your side during the difficult times. Dont think you should leave him he would probably be hurt if you do. Your depression shouldn't get the best of you. Dont let him go and try to work things out. The depression makes us make bad decisions we feel down and empty maybe these negative thoughts are making you feel this way. Once you get better the doubts will go away too.👍