COPD

If your husband is still smoking near you you're passive smoking which is just as bad, because "side stream" smoke hasn't even been through a filter before you breathe it in.

OR the chest infections could be because you didn't stop smoking soon enough.  Someone was telling me the other day that either e-fags or vaping (or maybe both?) have formaldehyde in them, which can't be good for you and is one of the dangerous chemicals in ordinary fags.    Sorry to be vague but I don't know much about these alternatives to smoking, I'd get googling if I were you and check out exactly what's in the e fags, just because they don't contain tobacco doesn't mean they're necessarily good for you.

I honestly don't understand how anyone with empysema can still smoke:  apart from shortening their lives further I can't stand to be around other people's cig smoke (I gave up long before COPD was diagnosed), car exhaust fumes, or at the moment local autumn burnoffs

My God anne1966,

Won't your husband stop smoking for you? For him? You have COPD and chest infections etc...the struggle you are going thru is intense and very hard with someone right there doing it. I feel so bad for you! Shame on him!!! Really....I'm trying to be nice but where is the love?

Ladyjack51

Hi can you get your husband to confine his smoking to just one room?  Or better still go outside for his drug?  It's up to him if he wants to continue smoking but he  shouldn't be subjecting you to it should he? x

Hi Anne. I hope you are still stopped. No judgement on your husband because we have all been smokers and I feel for both of you. Please try not to inhale his smoke though because this was my first indication of my problem a number of years ago...I began to struggle very badly with second hand smoke. I think you will both come to an amicable compromise. Keep at it Anne. I am a five week no smoker now (not long really). Wish you the best. I have a chest infection again, but I don't think it's the ecig. Please get pharmaceutical grade e juice if you use ecig. This is important according to what I've read

I think the onus should be on him to not smoke near someone with a lung condition!   There's no way she can "try  not to inhale his smoke" if he's smoking near her:  I have problems with people smoking outside shopping centres etc unless I stay at least 2 m away from them, which would be impossible inside a house.

And yes, when I was a smoker I even smoked when I was pregnant and later around my daughter and then my grandkids, addicts of anything are selfish & self-centred by definition, but I would never have smoked around someone who asked me not to because of their illhealth.

There's a difference between 2nd hand smoke, because at least that's been through a filter (usually) and then the smoker's lungs, it's the sidestream smoke which is totally dangerous, you might as well smoke yourself if you're around that.

I won't live long enough to know if my smoking has affected my daughter or 2 older grandkids' lungs and the grandsons won't know either because they both now smoke in spite of seeing the effect it's has on me:  at 17 & 23 they think they're indestructible, but then so did I when I was a lot older than that.

I'm sorry Jude. I was just trying to be non-judgemental x

Spot on hypercat!

Yeah I realise that, but as a nicotine addict who no longer smokes (over 5 years) I recently went back on the nicotine chewing gum temporarily under huge stress.

Addiction isn't easy to deal with but shouldn't be imposed on other people, especially people with COPD

Hi I am my husbands sole carer as he has a number of health problems he will probably die from one of those and it seems selfish for me to ask him to go outside as I would need to be with him anyway

My husband has a lot of health problems and needs constant care smoking is the only thing he has left that he loves I am his carer and would do anything for him but I would never ask him or anyone to stop anything for me its the individuals choice

Her loves something that will shorten your life?   I'm sorry to say it but you sound like a doormat:  why would you not ask someone to stop something which is worsening your own medical condition?

I'll bet he has a lot of health problems if he's a smoker.

Ah well I suppose it's your "individual choice" if you want to live with his selfishness about your health.   

Would you keep smoking if it were the other way round?  Bet you wouldn't

I understand where Anne is coming from Jude just as I understand where you are.  But life is rarely black and white - mainly shades of grey.   Anne isn't a doormat but she does understand this. 

 

Do you know her apart from this forum?   Even if that's so why not let her speak for herself?  

She has spoken for herself and I just agreed that she is not a doormat.

With respect, Jude .. I would imagine people come here for advice, and support and a sympathetic ear. Not to be told they're 'a doormat'.

And I would imagine that Anne has quite enough on her plate without being lectured on her relationship with her very sick husband .. whatever his preceived failings.

I only hope she doesn't now give up on the rest of us. This copd thingy can be a very lonely road to travel without someone to talk to along the way.

Jo

Just doing a bit of challenging support which it sounded as if she needed.  I didn't lecture her, just challenged her acceptance of having something harmful inflicted on her:  why should she put up with that when it's going to make her sicker and maybe shorten her life?

I am far from a doormat you don't know me or my husband he has a lot of health problems and has given up a lot even health care profecinals have told him not that stopping smoking now is the least of his worries as he has bigger things to deal with , and yes I wouldnt of stopped smoking for him or anyone else I would only have done it for myself, but that doesn't mean that I don't love him ,I've given up my life to care for him we married knowing that I would do this and I would do it all over again ,

Thank you Josephine 30311 xxx

Thank you hypecat for sticking up for me xxx

Anne, perhaps doormat was a bit strong on my part, but you're not looking after yourself if you let someone you love injure your health.

I'm not doubting you love him, because you obviously do, but surely if that's so and it was the other way round you wouldn't continue to injure his health?

I'm sorry if my comments were hurtful, but I just don't get that kind of self-sacrificing love.

I wish you & your  husband all the best and again, I apologise if I wasn't considerate enough in my comments

Well put Josephine.

💛 Dawn USA

Don't waste your breath hypercat...Jude seems hell bent on running this forum with her rude crude ways. And yes...I am being very blunt right now bc I just went around with jude 2 days ago about coming on so strong with folks and to lighten up a bit...I was very nice about it just as you have been but all she did was argue back and try to justify as she has done here. But now I'm a bit p*ssed bc I can't believe she called this poor girl a doormat!!! I also was not understanding why her husband smokes inside but she explained her reasons and I get it...and would never try to make her feel bad. She need someone and chose us and jude....if you can't say something encouraging and nice, then you shouldn't speak. That's my opinion. You should be shamed!! Good for you hypercat!! And Dawn, and everyone else!!

Don't waste your breath hypercat...Jude seems bent on running this forum with her rude crude ways. And yes...I am being very blunt right now bc I just went around with jude 2 days ago about coming on so strong with folks and to lighten up a bit...I was very nice about it just as you have been but all she did was argue back and try to justify as she has done here. But now I'm a bit mad bc I can't believe she called this poor girl a doormat!!! I also was not understanding why her husband smokes inside but she explained her reasons and I get it...and would never try to make her feel bad. She need someone and chose us and jude....if you can't say something encouraging and nice, then you shouldn't speak. That's my opinion. You should be shamed!! Good for you hypercat!! And Dawn, and everyone else!!

I get it anne1966,

You are thinking his quality of life and being very unselfish. Bless your heart. Please do what you need to do...what gives you peace to sleep at night. In the end, we all sleep in our own homes every night and that's what matters. You know what you are doing whether it's right or wrong. We love to talk and listen to you either way.

Ladyjack51

I know Ladyjack.   I have suffered from her comments before too.  Thanks. x

I've apologised, what more do you want?  And I was  not trying to make anyone feel bad and I don't take too kindly to being lectured.

I may be blunt sometimes but I'm just trying to be honest

Anne, You are NOT a doormat...no one should call you that name, especially when you go out of your way to protect and take care of your husband. How inconsiderate for someone in this discussion to only think about her feelings and not yours, and call you this name! Also, you should not have to be made to explain yourself to anyone, especially one that places herself before anyone elses. Here we go again, Jude, you are behaving just like some type of control freak again...lol. Everyone has the right to say whatever they want to, as long as it is not harming, so stop trying to control the discussion, or trying to put a stop to someone trying to gain support from all the others, and if you are finished, leave if you don't like what you are reading...lol. In my opinion, we can't make someone quit anything, or worse, 'force them', unless they truly want to quit it first. 

Hey I apologised and I'm not a control freak, far from it, just sometimes too blunt in my attempts to be honest.  Not trying to stop anyone doing anything, just challenging.   

Of course people can't be forced to stop smoking and I never said they could, I merely questioned why she was putting up with something so damaging to herself.

Lay off, I've apologised, can't that be the end of it?  I don't need to be repeatedly lectured and misinterpreted when I've admitted I made a mistake, but if that's your hobby, feel free, I can take it even if it is a bit annoying

Jude, no, I will not lay off, since you keep it going by being rude on a forum that I love. I love hearing what others say about their experiences, since I learn from them and also gain help. We don't need someone like you who wants to gain attention or control or whatever it is...but in a nutshell, it makes people get off track and not want to express themselves or reach out to others,  since they don't feel relaxed with having other people like you, who say insulting remarks, or expressions that has a way of controlling. Please stop your justifications too...it doesn't work with me either. You apologize too much, and you don't layoff others either (unless you are recognized for them). Also, you say too many justifications to back up your ways. I've seen you on other discussions too...I have also been approached by you too. You tried to make me explain myself to you regarding what me and someone else was having a conversation about...you sure put a stop to that one didn't you? I think you should be the one that should Lay Off. Don't be so hypocritical! 

Brenda, well said.

Oh well whatever floats your boat, I have better things to do than continue this dialogue, it's pointless

Applause!!!! Great job Brenda62546!!

I've found that that saying " I'm sorry...but...." means nothing. You just basically erased the apology by justifying why and what you were doing bc to justify means you aren't sorry at all. That's just a little pearl of wisdom for jude or anyone else. And that's why her apology isn't received bc she doesn't sound sincere, but rather annoyed...which is the exact word she used. Anyway, I'm done with it and I hope we can continue to share and listen to people with open hearts and ears on here. I appreciate almost all of you bc it is such a comfortable place to share...just as Brenda said.

Thank you Ladyjack!

Dawn Dedee, thank you !

LadyJack and Dawn Dedee, I agree, Jude is only sincere and apologetic whenever she is cornered as being rude, controlling, or argumentative, or whatever. She appears to want to control, and I personally won't have it, since I want to have a relaxing environment where other people can not feel threatened to say what is on their minds or try to reach out to others for support or information. Many don't know where to turn, and Jude has a way of sending them back out the door into the cold world, and just because she puts her feelings before everyone elses. She appears too brash. I think she knows this too and does it intentionally. She makes it appear that she has a loving heart, but I think that is justifying too. On this posting, her new excuse, such as, 'I was just trying to do some challenging support....uh? This is plain stupid as an excuse or justification...the most stupid so far! I've read many of them from previous messages by her too. This was her excuse or justification? She truly thinks about herself before others, since she had to be pushed before any apology...now their is an apology, everyone has to lay off...so insensitive and selfish. Really, how can someone reaching out for help answer such a thing as being called a 'doormat'? And the excuse to shock her into realizing it is dumb. I just don't want the,  'comfortable and safe to express', environment to become troubled by such a person.  Also, I've had her be very rude to me in the past too. She came between me and another person's conversation..tried to make me explain why I was saying to her, and I totally refused, since she is not the 'moderator' of this forum. Obviously, she is not sincere either, since she keeps going at it, and always justifies her behaviour. I think it is great that their are people on here who tries to help keep the peacefullness for others needing to learn and give or gain support too...good work! 

deleted that without reading it

You are not honest - you are just rude!  Why don't you go away and leave us alone?  

 

Maybe she will "get it" after today since receiving some of our "challenging support"! If not I think she can be reported. She may have value in her advice but just has to definitely choose her words and delivery more carefully..or its of no value to anyone. People shut down and won't receive it so she would be wasting her breath but mostly I don't want her to hurt anyone else's feelings.

Jude,

I have been on this forum for about 6 or 8 months, give or take. I have seen you give sensitive, empathic advice and ideas to those who risk sharing their deepest fears, and those, like me, who found this forum because they have no where to turn, they 're at their wits end, often finding themselves in new circumstances either with their own health or the health of a loved one.

Then you change Jude, you become insulting, argumentative, you call people names, get off topic and make people who need the help of this forum, feel attacked instead of encouraged, cared about and welcome.

Jude, please stop apologizing because you keep repeating the same behaviors you apologize for. I have red flagged your posts more than once. If the monitor has ever removed any of your posts, then please take the hint. Pull back Jude when you feel like arguing. Do not respond to a post that you feel is stupid or whatever it is you feel about people's posts.

Jude, everyone is trying to tell the truth to you about how you come across at times. Please listen. Please do not push people away. Please use your sensitive side on here. Your expressed compassion I have witnessed in this and another forum, is refreshing, astute and knowledgeable. Can we just have that part of you?

Honestly, this forum saved me from giving up on life because of excruciating pain due to a botched THR. I knew nothing about THR'S and I am sitting here today pain free because these wonderful people in this forum supported me, educated me, shared their own stories, helpful tips, compassion and they are still supporting me.

Jude, I am saying this with tears in my eyes and I will always give back to this forum.

Sincerely,

💛 Dawn, USA

Ladyjack, I agree, she is insensitive to other people, and sensitive at other times....we caught her at an insensitive time today.  But, If she has to be insensitive, then she should learn to just not engage in the conversation. The justification today was rediculous..lol. I am the same way, I am hoping she doesn't hurt anyone elses feelings too. I love to read the opinions and comments of other people in this site, since it educates and helps me to feel not so alone, and also learn from their ideas and opinions, etc...learn so much, and mostly, it is so nice to realize that we are not alone. But, when she comes on here and begins this brashness stuff, it tends to break this delicate conversation up and ruins it, and for everyone, not just myself. This is why I think she is one very selfish individual, and hoping she will change. If she has to be mean, annoying, or nasty, then just don't message, just read instead! Or do what she did above...leave or deny reading....I don't even know why she had to let us know. She has never apologized to me either when she was rude to me in a previous discussion...lol. Her type of honesty is just plain rudeness, I agree!  

I agree with you Hypercat...I salute you too! :-)