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Depressed boyfriend doesn't know how he feels.

Posted , 25 users are following.

leah44609
leah44609

Long story short (ish):

My boyfriend of a year and a half told me he has suffered from depression for many years. The reason he aditted it to me was because he would be there one minute then the next not speak to me for days without any warning.

That went on for awhile, but recently it got much worse. We were perfectly happy and fine (our relationship has been pretty strong minus the depression) and I lost my temper after we had plans and he just ditches them which happens fairly frequently in our relationship. He says this is the only way he knows how to deal with it and it doesnt have to do with me.

These past 2 months have been different. When i expressed my anger for taking my time for granted, i stopped hearing from him for over a month! Not one word. I tried to reach out to him but he would never reply to any messages. I finally decided to call him to ask how he feels and if we are still together and he could no give a 'yes' or 'no' answer- only 'I dont know'. I asked if it was the depression or just me and he replies 'this is what im trying to figure out'.

I know the common answer would be to walk away..but i truly know he doesnt mean what he says and really does love me and it's the depression talking.

How long could this last for?

Obviously have felt so heartbroken from all of this, but I think I have made myself too available. He always knows he can do that and me just forgive him. Should I just wait for him to message for now on and show him what it would be like me not always being there?

1 like, 36 replies

36 Replies

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  • stacey87853
    stacey87853 leah44609

    Posted

    Hey girls

    Ive been suffering with depression and can say the only thing im completly sure of is the fact i love my relationship and thats all i want.

    Some men are just to weak to tell the truth and its mean, if gives false hope and ends up hurting you im the long run...

    If there unsure of what they want thy should just say they need a few days to sort there head out and speak to drs.

    Dont think they realise how hard it is for youto just get a "dont know" !

    Stace x

  • anne240
    anne240 leah44609

    Posted

    Well that is the nature of depression unfortunately.  We push people away.  You should not be angry as he has a serious illness.  He has depression, and you will have to accept that his behaviour can be erratice. 

    You don't sound as if you are accepting that he has depression and taking it personally.  Many of us, me included, have lost relationships because of depression.  We find them hard to sustain.  It cannot answer how long it will last, that is an impossible question to answer.

    Be patient, and give him space.  Be understanding and supportive.  Yes wait for him to contact you, and he will if he wants to.  Please don't be so hard on him.

    • melle77825
      melle77825 anne240

      Posted

      I'm in the same boat as Leah. I was also dumped by a depressed boyfriend, who blamed all his unhappiness and depression on me. Yes, I would hold him accountable to his despicable actions (such as cheating on me, lying, being cold and distant), but we've just had a really good, loving month. And then out of the blue, he throws me away...

      My problem now is that it has been 9 days and today I get a phone call from his work that he hasn't shown up and that he told them yesterday that his depression is really bad. I would have thought that since I was the cause (according to him), he'd be happy and relieved. But apparently this is not so.  Now I am happy to jump, go over to his place, give him a hug and help him as much as I can. But he hasn't contacted me since the day he dumped me, so I don't think he wants me to. Any advice?

    • leah44609
      leah44609 anne240

      Posted

      Hello, thank you for your advice!

      I have been as nice as I can. I would wait around every week or two and I would get ditched because he wasnt feeling well. I never yelled at him. But no contact for over a month then to find out he isnt sure if he still loves me and wont meet me in person to talk. Im trying to be patient, but should i message him to take a break and have some space for him to think about our lives to be content with it?

    • leah44609
      leah44609 anne240

      Posted

      Also, is it normal he is able to go to work even though he hates it and able to talk to his friends over Facebook?
    • melle77825
      melle77825 leah44609

      Posted

      So I sent my ex a text saying that I'll always be there for him if he's having a tough time etc. Turns out he's back with his ex from 4 years ago. He didn't go to work so he could spend the day with her (something he never did for me). Oh well, I feel like such an idiot now. I really regret that I sent that text sad
    • leah44609
      leah44609 melle77825

      Posted

      Im sorry sad

      Dont regret the text though- do not message him again. Show him you are not accepting that and that youre okay without that in your life.

    • brenda34146
      brenda34146 melle77825

      Posted

      Mellow, I have a feeling mine has replaced me with a female friend but he doesn't have the cajones to tell me.

      That sucks. I'm so sorry. How are you doing now?

    • a16237
      a16237 leah44609

      Posted

      Hi, I'm in a very similar situation with my boyfriend and he does the same thing when he has a bad episode. He totally shuts me out but can still chat and joke with his friends on social media and go to work. The only thing that I have been able to chalk this up to in my head is that talking to those friends and coworkers is easier than facing me because they dont know about his depression and when he looks at me he feels pressure to give me an answer about whether or not he still loves me and also to try to get some help. I know that that doesnt give you any sort of solution but I figured it might help to know that you're not alone.
    • al1sha
      al1sha a16237

      Posted

      Hey. I am in a very similar situation to you guys. My boyfriend has situational depression and won't get help for it. He ignores me, shuts me out all while working and hanging out with his friends.

      I've read up a lot on depression but haven't been able to find some kind of a support group for people with depressed partners. What's helped me live day by day is that: 1. this has nothing to do with me so I don't take it personally and 2. focusing on myself helps.

      If you can be paitent and wait it out, then do it. If not, then I would suggest you leave. There comes a time when you have to favour your own well-being.

    • Jaqa22
      Jaqa22 melle77825

      Posted

      Hello there  I am living the same situation right now his excuse was I am too youung for him and he needs somenoe to drink wiht, but all of that over the phone. WE have had the most amazing love experince in life in a month and then he went out for  atrip and he came distant and completely different . I dont know if he is breakin up with me because he doesnt like me anymore or because he has some depresson episiode .Also, he smokes marihunna to help him but I dont know if that could be affecting! Could you tell me how did you endedp up with this guy??
    • SomeoneWhoCares
      SomeoneWhoCares melle77825

      Posted

      You see- This is my fear as well... His marriage isn't a healthy one... They are both NYPD Police Officers...  The wife is very vindictive to him and mean as they come from what he has always told... 

      We have been communicating for 6  years... He has an extremely bad case of PTSD. Which makes everything so confusing for me. So I'm not sure if this is another one of his shut down modes therefore he goes into  flight mode.

      I don't know how or what to do ?

    • SomeoneWhoCares
      SomeoneWhoCares melle77825

      Posted

      This is one of the same issues I'm experiencing. I just do not know how to communicate with someone who has PTSD?

      I need to figure this out for his safety and wellbeing... If only someone has the  magical advice needed to help him conquer the PTSD so we can be normal again... That would be amazing...

      God Bless and Thank You For Listening To Me.

  • benmac
    benmac leah44609

    Posted

    Hello Leah I can't put myself in ur position but I can sort of relate to ur partner, I use to and still do say things that I don't mean and act that way towards my partner and like itself my partner knows that wen I get myself in them states she knows its not the real Me its the Ben that is not well.
  • cara64347
    cara64347 leah44609

    Posted

    I am in the same position, my boyfriend of 19 months has told me he doesn't love me anymore but our relationship was perfect. 3 weeks ago we came back from an amazing 2 week holiday in Bali. He is depressed due to a work injury 12 months ago. We live1 1/2 hours from each other which makes it ever harder. He has ended our relationship over a text and is refusing to talk to me, he just keeps saying he wants to be left alone and be on his own. I am in complete shock and absolutely heartbroken. We never fought. I really don't know what to do ??

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