Fear of Cancer ruining my life
Posted , 11 users are following.
Hello everyone. Im Lucy, 24. I stumbled across this page after another one of my dates with good old 'dr google'. A bit
of background - Ive always had severe anxiety (to sum it up, basically Im scared of just about everything, although ironically not the common stuff people without anxiety fear like exam results etc) ever since I was an infant, its manifested itself in a wide array of ways over the years without a strong emphasis on health but more recently it has become a full on - what I can only descibe as sheer terror regarding cancer. Like everyone Ive always been 'aware' of cancer so to speak and for someone with anxiety to the extent of mine you'd think it would have always been a problem - no, that is until my Dad died of cancer 2 years ago and then my Grandma also got a terminal diagnosis. This has broken me to say the least. Every single day now I seem to live in perpetual terror and atleast 3 hours a day goes to googling symptoms and ending in hysteria and floods of tears. In the past month alone ive 'had' over 15 types. It sounds ridiculous and trust me I know but no amount of rationale seems to fight those demons. Any pain results in this cycle and it is truly ruining my life. I finally bit the bullet and got referred for cbt but the waiting list is huge and Im at a bit of a loss as to what to do in the mean time. I seem to be spiralling into my lowest ebb and I really cant deal with it at all anymore. I was just hoping for a friendly word or to from anyone who has similar issues or just has any ideas on what on earth I could do to sort myself out. To make matters worse I am absoloutly terrorfied of the doctors to the point I make myself physically ill everytime I go. Another delightful little idiotic character trait of mine. Isnt anxiety great?
0 likes, 31 replies
lisa17089 lucymarie48
Posted
Hi lucy
omg it's like reading about myself. LIKE you I've always been an anxious person, I'm literally frightened of everything,;the dark, open and closed spaces, water, heights,,anything that moves or fly, :etc etc. But this past couple of years I've become obsessed with bloody googling about cancer and now mnd. I sometimes Google over and over the same day, I've had every different type of cancer there is. I constantly check my stools for blood, size, shape colour etc. I'M constantly feeling my body for lumps etc. IF I get a sore throat I think I have throat cancer. The list goes on. Most cancer symptoms also state weight loss,;I've sometimes weighed myself over and over on the same day. I'VE recently lost about 7lbs and am worried. People are saying to me have you lost more weight? And this is making me worse. Unlike you though I am constantly at the doctors. I bet there sick of me. I question everything they tell me and think well what if their wrong??? I get twitches throughout my body and looked this up,I freaked out when I saw mnd. I go between having this and cancer. THIS horrible illness is affecting my life and my body physically. I hate the person I am and just wish I could live in peace. I also wish I could stop googling because it has become an obsession. I hear you lucy and know exactly how you feel. I know sometimes I'm been irrational and I could scream at myself. I just want to be normal. Big hugs to you xxxxx
lucymarie48 lisa17089
Posted
Oh wow Lisa, me and you could be twins! I totally relate to the stools and lumps too, they are both recent obsessions of mine and Im driving myself even crazier than usual
I too doubt doctors, its such a vicious circle. I drive myself mad sometimes to think I trust an internet webpage but not a trained professional! Its ludicrous and I know it but yet the fear remains. I know how hard it is to live with this illness and hate yourself for it, I so long to be like everyone else just going about their day enjoying life. Im wasting mine and its all my own doing yet I cant stop 
big hugs to you also, its so nice being able to talk to people who feel the same, noone in my life really understands 
xxx
lisa17089 lucymarie48
Posted
Your right lucy no one understands unless there going through it aswell. I waste my life worrying about this. What if I don't have it??? I'VE worried myself sick for nothing. I'VE got an appointment for cbt but not sure if anyone can actually help me, I feel I'm beyond help. I just want to say get a grip of yourself, but it's easier said then done. WHY do we do this to ourselves😓😓. I would love to go a day without googling. I literally take everything it says as gospel. Hate hate hate this horrible illness and the evil grip it has on me. Xxx
lucymarie48 lisa17089
Posted
I am the same, I keep thinking how
Happy I could be if this was gone or I knew I was ok but Im too scared of bad news to go find out! Plus one pain goes and I just replace it with another. I feel the same about CBT but Ill try anything at the minute. I just want my life back
xx
wendywilts lucymarie48
Posted
Hello Lucy, I understand exactly how you are, I relate to everything you are experiencing.
I have googled worried, avoided doctors too scared to go, have had every ache and pain you can possibly imagine, as you say replacing one pain with another.
I have had everything from cancer to MS, heart problems, and more,
This all started when I was just 20yrs old, My best friend died of ovarian cancer, rare in one so young, and the following year my little neice also died of cancer she was just 10. Followed by my brother dying of a heart attack at 45.
So this was the trigger.
I am now 65 and although I have some health issues, they are not life threatening, I have wasted 45 yrs of my life, allowing Fear to rule me, but my point is I am still here, all these years later, still alive and,kicking, someone once said, "you have nothing to fear except fear itself",
That is such a true statement, all those hours lookingmup symptoms, when I could have been out enjoying myself.
Nothing bad is going to happen to you if you stop googling, whatever you have or dont have, wont change because you spend hours checking it, but what will happen if you stop checking is, that you will get some extra hours a day to live your life. I try these days to stop googling, reading, and checking myself, poo and all, and just enjoy a the day,
The more we dwell on our symptoms the worse they become. I still have awful anxiety, still avoid doctors, still notice every ache and pain, still worry, have heart palps and all the things that go with anxiety, but these days what I also have is a life. I try to live every day as it comes, and think to myself, ok am I well enough to say walk the dog, and get on and do it. I try to plan my days so I dont get too mucn thinking time.
I try to meditate, eat healthily, and enjoy the life I have, while I have it. I have wasted far too many years poking, probing, reading and stressing over something that so far has never happened, and hopefully never will.
Please find a way get your life back and dont waste it like me. Xx
lisa17089 wendywilts
Posted
nicola_01942 wendywilts
Posted
Just read your post and everything you say is so right😊 it is so hard though isnt it... im convinced at the mo ive either got cervical cancer or ovarian and just waiting for a referral😠. Ive started on meds now as ive just gone worse in 2years and i have to at least try something for my partner and two children. I need to be the happy, loud fun mum and partner that i was 2 and half year ago... dont know what the hell went wrong to be honest, its mind boggling. Another thing that really really gets me mad is when people use the word " hypercondriac"... errrrrm no not at all it is an actual anxiety disorder health anxiety and its actual dread of having an illness NOT wanting to have an illness. Xx
michelle67226 wendywilts
Posted
Hi Wendy, I know this is quite an old page but I hope this finds you well! Just wanted to say a huge thank you for your insightful post which has really helped me. I like the other people on this page have been a slave to the fear of cancer since losing my dad two years ago. My mum was also diagnosed ten years ago with bone cancer but thank God is still in remission. I worry about her every day However and I totally relate to what everyone is saying on here. Some days I am so exhausted from the constant taunting in my mind that I am absolutely riddled with it! It’s the worst thing I have had to fight against and your post has made me realise if you don’t try and reign it in it takes over. I am blessed to have a beautiful little girl and a loving family which on good days are my only source of quietening the constant voice of fear inside my head. On a bad day they are a reminder of how much I fear being sick and dying and leaving them behind in the pain I’ve felt for my dad. It’s truly horrendous. I do have symptoms but ironically am too scared/emotionally fragile to get them checked out which as some one else has said is totally counter productive! I’ve almost become so withdrawn sometimes into my mind that I subconsciously retreat from the people I love in some way to protect myself. It’s not hugely obvious but it just leaves me feeling guilty and so angry that I just can’t enjoy the moment of life right here right now! This discussion has given me comfort though to know I’m not alone as much as it saddens me to hear what you’re all also going through 😢 I think I am going to try going back to meditation and draw more on my faith.
Thanks to you all for being so honest and especially to you Wendy. Please don’t feel like you’ve wasted your life, focus on the positive place you’re in now and the fact you have just inspired and probably saved others some level of pain by sharing your experience xx
michelle67226 wendywilts
Posted
Hi Wendy, I know this is quite an old page but I hope this finds you well! Just wanted to say a huge thank you for your insightful post which has really helped me. I like the other people on this page have been a slave to the fear of cancer since losing my dad two years ago. My mum was also diagnosed ten years ago with bone cancer but thank God is still in remission. I worry about her every day However and I totally relate to what everyone is saying on here. Some days I am so exhausted from the constant taunting in my mind that I am absolutely riddled with it! It’s the worst thing I have had to fight against and your post has made me realise if you don’t try and reign it in it takes over. I am blessed to have a beautiful little girl and a loving family which on good days are my only source of quietening the constant voice of fear inside my head. On a bad day they are a reminder of how much I fear being sick and dying and leaving them behind in the pain I’ve felt for my dad. It’s truly horrendous. I do have symptoms but ironically am too scared/emotionally fragile to get them checked out which as some one else has said is totally counter productive! I’ve almost become so withdrawn sometimes into my mind that I subconsciously retreat from the people I love in some way to protect myself. It’s not hugely obvious but it just leaves me feeling guilty and so angry that I just can’t enjoy the moment of life right here right now! This discussion has given me comfort though to know I’m not alone as much as it saddens me to hear what you’re all also going through 😢 I think I am going to try going back to meditation and draw more on my faith.
Thanks to you all for being so honest and especially to you Wendy. Please don’t feel like you’ve wasted your life, focus on the positive place you’re in now and the fact you have just inspired and probably saved others some level of pain by sharing your experience xx
michelle67226 wendywilts
Posted
Hi Wendy, I know this is quite an old page but I hope this finds you well! Just wanted to say a huge thank you for your insightful post which has really helped me. I like the other people on this page have been a slave to the fear of cancer since losing my dad two years ago. My mum was also diagnosed ten years ago with bone cancer but thank God is still in remission. I worry about her every day However and I totally relate to what everyone is saying on here. Some days I am so exhausted from the constant taunting in my mind that I am absolutely riddled with it! It’s the worst thing I have had to fight against and your post has made me realise if you don’t try and reign it in it takes over. I am blessed to have a beautiful little girl and a loving family which on good days are my only source of quietening the constant voice of fear inside my head. On a bad day they are a reminder of how much I fear being sick and dying and leaving them behind in the pain I’ve felt for my dad. It’s truly horrendous. I do have symptoms but ironically am too scared/emotionally fragile to get them checked out which as some one else has said is totally counter productive! I’ve almost become so withdrawn sometimes into my mind that I subconsciously retreat from the people I love in some way to protect myself. It’s not hugely obvious but it just leaves me feeling guilty and so angry that I just can’t enjoy the moment of life right here right now! This discussion has given me comfort though to know I’m not alone as much as it saddens me to hear what you’re all also going through 😢 I think I am going to try going back to meditation and draw more on my faith.
Thanks to you all for being so honest and especially to you Wendy. Please don’t feel like you’ve wasted your life, focus on the positive place you’re in now and the fact you have just inspired and probably saved others some level of pain by sharing your experience xx
denice33774 lucymarie48
Posted
rachel30860 lucymarie48
Posted
You are describing me! I have self diagnosed breast and bowel cancer in the last month and now have a doctors appointment due to an overdue smear and panic about what it will show. I am 49 so older than you but the symptoms are all the same. My Dad died in May and I have been worse since then. It is ruining my life and relationship. So all I can do is empathise! Hope that helps a tiny bit knowing you're not alone! X
jason37778 lucymarie48
Posted
Hi reading all your messages is like listening to myself.im a 27yr old male with a Fiance and a 1yr old boy.amd for the last 3 months I've suffered with upper left abdominal pain I tested positive for hpylori done the course of antibiotics.however I still get pain.ive been to see 4/5 different doctors and none of them seem concerned about the c word so I should listen to them right? But still I found myself googling every single day to the point where I get shakes and feel weak I've been in floods of tears in docs and they've told me anxiety level is sky high but we don't know y.i don't know y I started googling.before I was a dead happy guy loving life.its ruining my relationship with my fiancé and my son.i know I should listen to all 5 gps I just can't get it out my head..any advice how to conquer this would be much appreciated
Mrsoscared lucymarie48
Posted
EVERYONE WITH CANCER PHOBIA LIKE ME
IVE WASTED 3 YEARS WORRYING LIKE A FOOL ABOUT SOMETHING THAT IF I AM TO GET I CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT ! WHAT A FOOL , WHAT A WASTE.
IVE JUST REALISED THAT IT ONLY TAKES A MERE MOMENT TO ACTUALLY DIE !!
LET ME REITERATE THAT PLEASE .
( IT ONLY TAKES A MERE MOMENT TO ACTUALLY DIE )
SO WHATS THE POINT IN WASTING OUR BEAUTIFUL SPECIAL FANTASTIC GIFT WEVE RECEIVED ?
NO MORE NO MORE WILL I ALLOW MYSELF TO TERRORISE MY SELF MY MIND MY BEAUTIFUL FAMILY OVER SOMETHING THAT WHEN IT HAPPENS 1 WE CAN DO NOTHING TO STOP IT IT ! 2. IF WE CAN STOP IT WE WILL !! AND 3 WHEN IT HAPPENS IT WILL ACTUALLY HAPPEN FASTER THAN I CAN BLINK !!!
THIS IS MY NEW STRATEGY FOR OVERCOMING MY FEARS OF CANCER AND ALL HEALTH RELATED DEATH , AND IT WORKS GUYS I MEAN IT REALY WORKS IM LIVING , WERE LIVING, I DIE, WE DIE , WHEN WE DIE , HELL LETS LIVE AND PLEASE GO ENJOY YOUR LIVES ITS SO BEAUTIFUL TO EVEN HAVE THE GIFT OF LIFE !!
SO NOW ALL YOU WORRY WARTS LIKE ME OUT THEIR , TRY MY NEW STRATEGY PLEASE AS ITS FREE LOL 😂 AND IT WORKS .
WHEN YOU FEEL YOURSELF GETTING WORKED UP , WORRYING , TERRIFYING YOURSELF AND YOUR LOVED ONES FROM NOW ON STOP 🛑
AND REPEAT OVER AND OVER AND OVER ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT IF YOU HAVE TO RUMINATE OVER AND OVER IN YOUR MIND , I DONT CARE AS WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN AS IT WILL TO US ALL , IT WILL HAPPEN SO FAST THAT IM GOING TO MISS IT !!
SO WHERES THE SENSE IN RUINING OUR LIVES OVER THAT SPLIT SECOND !!
THEIR IS NONE , SO DONT DO IT
TRY MY STRATEGY FOR EVER MAKE A NEW PART OF YOUR DAILY THOUGHTS AND REMIND YOURSELF YES AT SOME POINT I WILL DIE WE ALL WILL , BUT IT WILL NOT BE TODAY, AND WHEN IT IS MY TURN ,
ITS TRUE , IT WILL HAPPEN SO FAST ,ILE MISS IT ANYWAY !!!!
NOW GO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL LIFE
OH AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WANT TO KNOW HOW I CAME TO THIS CONCLUSION , HERE GOES
LIKE I SAID IVE JUST SPENT THE LAST 3 YEARS CONVINCED I HAD CANCER , AND WHEN I WAS IN A LIFE AND DEATH EMERGENCY SURGERY 5 MONTHS AGO HAVING MY GANGRENOUS GALLBLADDER REMOVED , NICE 😆 I REALISED WHEN I WOKE UP THAT WHEN HE STUCK THAT IN ME TO KNOCK ME OUT , THAT THAT WAS JUST THE SAME AS BEING DEAD AND IT HAPPENED SO FAST I ACTUALLY DID MISS IT LOL 😝 😆 😂
sue80859 Mrsoscared
Posted
Hi....I am new here and stumbled on this site as I was doing the whole Google thing myself. I have a HORRIBLE fear of the C word. I am exactly like you all on here 100%. I first strarted with my issue about 6mos after I lost my mom from the C word. What I saw her go through was HORRIBLE. I think the fear is probably a post traumatic thing from watching my mom suffer. At least I realize that much. It took me 3yrs but I FINALLY got completely rid of the anxiety that was associated with the fear of the C word. I thought it's done it's over!!!! I was wrong.....fast forward 16 yrs later. I had to have a surgery.....a serious surgery.......,but not really life threatening. For some reason after the surgery I was on a downward spiral again. And again I fought it and got away from the anxiety/fear. That was 3 yrs ago....again now I AM fighting it again....ugh. Fear is a horrible thing. I still will have to fight it probably forever but it seems the fight at least gets shorter and shorter each time. I have also learned from lots of therapy not only is it probably from ptsd but likely some OCD. Those horrible thoughts that are there every second of everyday. I have learned most people actually DONT get the C word. And they are always making advancements so hopefully, eventually we won't have to worry anymore. Good luck to you all....xoxo