Feel like an absolute useless, worthless, colossal failure.

Hello.

I know I you wrote it three years ago, but maybe you will get this.

I am 22, female, socially akward, stupid, with an useless life, without friends. So, i would like to get to know you. And yes, I can’t speak english. 

Ok, I realize your post is 3 years old but maybe my reply will help someone else. I've been messed up my whole life, which I always blamed on an abusive childhood. Last year I was diagnosed bi-polar, with - and this is the important part - "depressive tendencies".  See, most people assume bi-polar is a rollercoaster of constant ups and downs (and it can be for some people), but you can also be mostly depressed. You only have to have two manic episodes in a year to qualify for a bipolar diagnosis (which I did, but I just called them "good days", ie., full of energy, inspiration, motivation, etc). 

Here's the thing about antidepressants:  they usually make bi-polar WORSE.  I spent over 20 years on this antidepressant or that antidepressant; nothing ever helped.

After the bipolar diagnosis I asked for a mood stabilizing drug and was given Geodon which has made a world of difference. Be careful, some mood stabilizers will make you a zombie (seroquel, Depakote) but Geodon works well for me.  It's "smoothed me out", I don't know how else to say it. I don't have the "good days" anymore but I don't have the soul-crushing depression anymore either. I don't know when it was invented but I wish I'd had it 20 years ago. 

Without making this post even longer, let me just say that my situation is extremely similar to yours in all other ways. I hope you're in a better place now. 

Hello! I realise you posted this 3 years ago but since I found this by telling to Google assistant how I was feeling, I feel like I need to reply. Actually right now my situation is the opposite of yours: I have great friends, a lovely family and they all support me but the school part is going really bad. Now, you are probably saying "school? What? Is this some 12 yrs old girl who thinks she is going through hard stuff" yeah well no I'm 17 and I know that I'm lucky to have friends and family who support me, however I also know how much it hurts when you don't, because I've experienced it. And I'm the proof that things do get better. someone really close to me suffered from depression so whether I like it or not, I know how that feels because I saw him saying really bad stuff to himself and I felt how he was feeling. I've always had a tendency to help people so that's why I'm writing this I think. The point is that life sometimes throws some really f****d up s**t at us and we have to learn how to deal with it somehow, we can't give up. Literally everything we do ( except for hurting others ) is better than hurting or killing ourselves. Because if you think about it we only have one life to live and after death, it's done. I don't care if there is some kind of after life or your soul stays alive or you go to hell/heaven or whatever, the point is that when you die, you die. And it's done, you don't have any other choices to make, that's it. But until that day, you can do a lot, even lots of mistakes, you can embarrass yourself and do anything you like because one day you'll be dead so what's the point anyway? You should have fun and not care. I think you'd have more friends if you tried, and all you need is really just one good friend and you are settled! Until then, be your own friend and start doing the things you want to do in life. You like your job? Cool, stick with it, get better at it. You want a girlfriend? Go meet some new people and talk, when it's right you will feel it because you wont feel anxious anymore. I hope this helped someone in some kind if way at any time.

3 years later where are you now, I'm a bit of nothing 22 everything negative but at the same time okay with it all

I can relate to the feeling you're expressing, I'm 19 in university. I may be listed as popular, but it’s nothing due to the fact of living in a small town of 25k. Everyone essentially knew one another. I'm not socially awkward. My sister was always jealous about how everyone knew who I was, and the social status I've built. I ended having many associates and classmates, so no friends at all. Everyone knew me, yet no one actually knew the real me. I've created this exterior shell that helps cope with the loneliness. All happy inside while around people and pitch black when I'm alone in the room. Romantic relationships were never my thing, I get annoyed and irritated quickly. While I don't feel a sexual attract to either male or female, admiration of beauty is a trait I possess. Everyone is out partying, drinking, and having sex, I'm just out in the woods looking at sky and landscape. My brain tends to wonder around from boredom, it happens even if my childhood friends talk to me. The darkness is devouring me so fast I don't even feel anything anymore. My life is on a loop: wake up, eat, go to class, work, eat, sleep, and repeat. I've become so detached from reality that I started to fantasize about driving off this curve road near my home. Every day I relive this fantasy of dying over and over again. I'm nothing but a human robot performing basic functions. My eyes are basically dead now and I smile once in a blue moon. Now I wonder if cutting around the body will deliver the feeling of pain I need.

I know how you fill it is hard and I fill like the hole world is against me hates me even I want to be alone all the time just me no one else people do not understand and about cutting I do it to arms legs wear ever I can fill pain like the pathetic person I am. I cut one arm till I have blood running down my arm then cut even more on the other 

I know how it fills wanting to die be left alone. All the time I just want to be sure my self no o e else. I want everyone else to just die vanish go away. I cut my arms legs and any place I can fill pain. I cut one arm till I can see the blood running down my arm then cut even Moore on the other arm. I hate my self fill so alone even though that is how I like it. I isalaye my self so much. Have as little social interaction as possible. Thay is how I am just some isolated pathetic scycopath ugh