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I have a 15 yr old daughter with anxiety and social phobia.

Posted , 10 users are following.

fiona69779
fiona69779

She only goes into school about 3 days a week due to her anxiety. She has a targeted youth support worker and she sees CAMHS once every 2 weeks. Nothing seems to be helping her. School are trying to help but it's not working.they are worried about her attendance more I think because it affects their overall attendance figures.i have asked them about flexi schooling but after 2 weeks they haven't replied to my letters and I have emailed them to remind them I haven't heard from them.everything looks bleak at the moment and it's starting to take its toll on me too .any advice from anyone please 

3 likes, 54 replies

54 Replies

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  • fiona69779
    fiona69779

    Posted

    Ok. She won't go in today as it's science all day and. It's that teacher that humiliated her. Do I try and force her or what? 
    • amy89817
      amy89817 fiona69779

      Posted

      Have you tried forcing her before? And did it work? My parents used to force me, and although I felt horrendous for about a month, going to school made me realise that I actually could do it, and my anxiety levels went down. If they hadn't forced me I wouldn't be here now. Although, if trying to force her doesn't work, it might mean that she won't trust you as much. 
    • fiona69779
      fiona69779 amy89817

      Posted

      It worked once. I got her to school but she wouldn't get out of the car. After about 30 mins of me telling her to go in and tears she hated me that much at that moment that she stormed out of the car and slammed the door and went in. But it's only worked once.and to be honest I think if I tried doing that every time she wouldn't even get in the car in the first place. And he's I think she would start dis trusting me . 
    • amy89817
      amy89817 fiona69779

      Posted

      I agree, she needs to trust you for this to work. Sorry I couldn't have been of more help. 
  • fiona69779
    fiona69779

    Posted

    So the support worker has just text me to tell me she called the school and there was no one there who could talk to her. So she's put it back on me to contact them again. 

    I have emailed the head of year and one of the SENCO's asking for a time to come in and discuss the flexi schooling. Let's see if they reply to this or if not I am going to have to turn up at school and surprise them and demand a meeting to discuss things. 

    • robin77577
      robin77577 fiona69779

      Posted

      You're doing a great job at being your daughter's advocate, Fiona. Keep it up!

      Robin

  • fiona69779
    fiona69779

    Posted

    Feeling very down today about everything. I'm wondering if the school are waiting for 14th July as we have another team around the child meeting. I just wish they would reply to my emails. I'm carrying around so much stress and anxiety myself because of all this. I need this flexi schooling then sorted so we can try and get on with helping my daughter with her anxiety etc. I went into my daughters bedroom to wake her up a while ago and she asked me why I was waking her, I said you can't sleep all day as you then wong be able to sleep tonight. She said she will be able to sleep ok tonight. But she sounded so peed off that I had woke her up. I'm trying so hard to support her and help her with all this but sometimes when she talks to me in certain tones of voice  I wonder if im doing the right things. Apart from you guys I have next to no support up here.my family are so far away and I don't have many friends.i have a supportive husband but even sometimes he questions whether I'm doing right by her. 

    So down and confused today, 

    • robin77577
      robin77577 fiona69779

      Posted

      Only you can gauge how much is manipulation and how much is sincere fear of school. Of course, she does have a legitimate reason to be upset, scared, dreading the return, getting out etc... It does sound like what my son had; social anxiety. But only you can gauge how much she can be pushed.

      Personally, I would get her up at 8 am each morning....like kids who are going to school. Don't make it too comfortable at home in that she can sleep in and laze around all day, eating when she wants, what she wants, sitting on her computer etc.. Personally I would ban the computer. Like anyone of us, she needs structure, expectations, routine, WORK and therefore at the end of the day satisfaction at having accomplished things. It may be time for spring cleaning; the two of you emptying all the kitchen cupboards for example and cleaning out the contents and washing the insides. You could do a room a day. She could make dinner (both of you planning, shopping and you helping her to some extent) every other night and of course, on the nights she doesn't cook she does the dishes (which she undoubtedly does anyway). She can do everyone's laundry, iron, vacuum, wash down the bathroom every other day. If she is not in school, she has to 'work' at something. She is able bodied. She will be learning valuable skills and although she probably would never admit it, she will feel proud of herself. The physical exertion will do her good. And you two might have a good laugh now and then between the grumbling and outbursts which are normal at this age. 

      If she refuses, no dinner until she works. That's the way the world works. The farmer works in the field...THEN comes in for his meal. You can use leverage with any kid. No phone, no computer, no dinner, no going out with a friend etc...until the work is done.  

      I  hope she is spending several hours per day reading her school books, maybe getting work from the school, doing the homework, reading library books. She is young and needs to be busy and learning. 

      You don't want her to sink into 'victim role'. That will just further her anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. After a week of working at home...not as a punishment..just as a contributing member of the family...she may start to want to get out with the 'shadow' or run errands or take the dog for a looong walk!  lol Just make being home not so cushy. I mean, heck, wouldn't we all prefer to spend the summer lolling around the house, being served like royalty, doing as we please and staying up late and not having to go to work (or school). Her fears are legitimate but the only alternative doesn't have to be living the life of a sloth. That is regressing to infant mode; not good for one's self esteem.

      Your son could certainly join her. 

      What do you think?

      Robin, mother of three who set fair and reasonable demands (in terms of chores) on her children. 

    • amy89817
      amy89817 robin77577

      Posted

      I completely agree with Robin! I understand she has anxiety about certain situations and going to school (as most of us on this forum do) but she can't just lay in bed all day, that'll only make things worse. She'll feel more tired, and even less like doing things if this continues. She should be studying for school, especially if she is currently unable to go, and chores will give her more structure. As harsh as it sounds, It's not your responsibility to do everything for her, where she can do some things for herself. 
  • fiona69779
    fiona69779

    Posted

    So we had a CAMHS appointment today. My daughter had been feeling unwell on Sunday with headache and her stomach hurt. She went into school and I collected her at 2.30 to take her to her appointment. She was very quiet but did say her stomach still hurt and her head too. I gave her paracetamol. When we got to the hospital she didn't want to get out of the car. I had to be very straight with her and tell her she had to. I said you may not want their help but you need it. She started to get upset but did follow me to the clinic. As we walked in the therapist was there waiting. For us. She looked at me and I said"she's not happy and doesn't want to be here" to cut it short cause I don't want to bore you all.we both went in to the room. The therapist decided CBT is not working for her at the moment so we are going to stop it. She told me she had spoken to the welfare officer at the school and he said the school weren't keen on the flexi schooling idea as it hadn't worked before. Great I thought. Why couldn't they contact me and tell me that ? So all in all she is going to email the school herself for me. But she doesn't know what help she can give my daughter as my daughter doesn't even know what she wants. She doesn't know what she wants to do when she's left school.she doesn't seem to know anything at the moment. I started crying and left the room to compose myself. I did go back in. Myself and the therapist hope my daughter will go and see her for the next appointment but no one knows what will happen and I'm left with my daughter telling me she loves me but I'm a bitch and CAMHS not knowing what to do to help her. Could things get any worse. Well if the school say no to flexi schooling when they do eventually talk to me.then I'm at a loss. I just want my baby girl,back cry
    • amy89817
      amy89817 fiona69779

      Posted

      How long has your daughter been doing CBT for? It takes months, not weeks, and it seems extremely flippant for the therapist to just suddenly give up.. Can you speak to your GP about other possible treatments? Hypnotherapy is supposed to be very good (it's not medically proven and sounds a bit wishy washy but I'm going to be giving it a go next Monday). 

      I know she obviously suffers from social anxiety, but in the last couple of posts she seems more reluctant to do things, rather than anxious (I would try and jump out of a moving car so I wouldn't have to go to appointments/the hospital- as extreme as it sounds, that's how anxious I can feel) Perhaps she is depressed (because if her anxiety), which is making things worse, and making her not want to try/feel like there's no point? Have you tried making a GP appointment without your daughter? You can ask for advice from your GP (but they will not be able to speak about your daughter/give confidential information out.) But they could advice you on possible therapies and perhaps help with the school situation. Without a medical letter, they probably would be unable to provide flexi schooling anyway.

    • robin77577
      robin77577 fiona69779

      Posted

      Hello Fiona,

      Your daughter went to school?!!!  That's great news. Can she not continue to go...if she was able to go once? Maybe I didn't get it... Could she go in the mornings and be home schooled in the afternoons? She is 15 so could probably study with minimal input from you. Maybe that's what Flexi schooling is...  

      THen presumably in the fall she could start up again with her classmates and this whole episode will be behind her. She herself must want life to get back to normal again. Being at home...and hopefully doing lots of housework...cannot be what she really wants to spend her days doing....

      When kids don't want to do something...such as eat their dinner (I know this sounds simplistic) if you offer something positive in the end, they are much more willing to finish up their meal. SO if you were to tell your daughter that when she gets home from school, you are taking her out to buy her the new shoes she has been wanting for quite some time, she may be much more inclined to go to school because the focus is not just on school. Or you will make her favourite fruit pie. It attaches something positive to a negative and makes her mind think beyond the difficult period ahead of her. People play that mind trick to get through an operation. "When I get out of hospital, I am going to dye my hair red!". It takes the mind beyond the operation that is looming so large and scary, in front of them. 

      Robin

       

    • deirdre._03652
      deirdre._03652 robin77577

      Posted

      Hi robin,

       I know that you mean well but school phobia and anxiety will not be erased by the promise of a treat. At 15yrs they are young adults and the fear is very real no matter what their age.

      They are not playing up or being awkward in any way, the trepidation they feel is overwhelming and out of their control...

       I do not agree with ever forcing or coercing anyone to do something that they feel incapable of, it just adds to the guilt and sense of failure every time they refuse.  Take care,  Deirdre x

  • fiona69779
    fiona69779

    Posted

    I hear what you are all saying to me. Today she hasn't gone into school. SHe says she doesn't want to be there. Because of so many things. The teachers, the pupils, it seems to be the whole thing.i think you could be right about her being depressed. Because I've noticed there is more anger when I try and force her about the issue. We have a team around the child meeting review on Tuesday.i think that's what the school are waiting for so all concerned are there. CAMHS, the support worker,SENCO head of year and me and my daughter. BUT it doesn't help today or tomorrow or the next day.it feels like everyone is giving up and I'm carrying the whole lot on my shoulders and I'm starting to buckle under the strain. It seems like I'm the only one who's fighting for her but it also seems like I'm fighting her anxiety and anger too. I wake every morning anxious wondering what the day will bring. WILL she go into school ? Will she not? The more school have dragged this out by not replying to me the worse it's got. If they had only replied to me sooner we may not be in this bad position today. I'm on the edge now.i just want someone to help my daughter! 
  • fiona69779
    fiona69779

    Posted

    Just to let you all know the school refused our suggestion about flexi schooling so now I've removed my daughter from this school and will home educate . Maybe now CAMHS can finally help her with her anxiety now that stress of school has been removed. CAMHS agree with my move. The school wanted me to carry her into school kicking and screaming . I say no. CAMHS said no.wish us luck guys 

     

    • deirdre._03652
      deirdre._03652 fiona69779

      Posted

      Dear Fiona, I so feel for you, we had exactly the same problem with one of our three sons ( who was also a twin ) at the age of 15yrs.  Similar to your daughter he would refuse to go on certain days and then he refused to go at all..

      However I have to say that we were very fortunate that the school were very understanding and offered various solutions...

      My son could sit on his own at the very back of the class and work during break time or he could do his work in the school office with the Secretary present, they even sent his school work home for him....unfortunately none of these ideas worked so in the end they have him exam results on his previous form work which totally took the pressure off both my son and ourselves..

      My son similar to your daughter suffered and still does from social phobia, it can be very isolating, but it is treatable and not the end of the world.  Your daughter and yourself have been treated  in an appalling manner, the welfare of your daughter should be their prime and only concern!!..

      You can take your worries about how the school are handling the situation to the governors of the school board and also the education authority... Do not let them make your daughter or yourself feel as though you have failed, they seem to have failed .her in every way.

      Do not give up until they find a solution that your daughter is comfortable with, her happiness and self esteem are of the utmost importance, and I know that it's agonizing to watch your child in distress, you want to make their world perfect.. You sound a brilliant and understanding mum full of love.. I sincerely wish you both the very..very best. Keep fighting.Deirdre x

    • fiona69779
      fiona69779 deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Thanks so much for your support Deirdre. Unfortunaly the school is an academy and therefore are the're their own bosses and to write to the lea would not do much as the school don't answer to them.The governors completely agreed with the headteachers decision. And as they gave me no workable choice I had to remove her from the school. Her brother is still at the school. As far as I'm concerned they have completely let my daughter down and added to her anxieties. I am considering writing an anomous letter to the local paper about flexi schooling and anxiety in school as I feel very strongly about this and schools need to be made aware of their failings with pupils with these problems 
    • deirdre._03652
      deirdre._03652 fiona69779

      Posted

      Dear Fiona, 

      Both you and your poor daughter have been treated abysmally.

      education is for the benefit of the students, never ever for the teaching staff...

      They have a duty to support and teach your daughter even if they find it slightly inconvenient, the very fact that you had to remove your poor daughter from the school speaks volumes about them.

      You should write to your local paper and tell them openly about how you have been treated, it is very, very unfair, as I said our sons school were the opposite they were very helpful and empathetic..

      Do not feel that you or your daughter have failed, they are they are the ones that have let you both down very badly.

       I wish  you both all the very best and I sincerely hope that your situation improves.. take care both, sincere regards, Deidre xx 

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