I wish I was dead. Tired of living.

oh how I know how you feel. I am at the same exact place, every night i wish to die and am so disappointed when i wake up, which is usually every 45 minutes. I have had severe back problems my entire life. Scoliosis found at age 3, wore the braces 12-24 hours a day until age 16. my curves were down to 12° on the top and 18° on the bottom of my s curve. at the 6 month check up my curves were up to 24° top and 40° bottom. I had to have emergency surgery which was 18 hours long and I did not get the normal rods placed but an cable which was connected to my spine at both curves so they would fight between themselves while still keeping my spine somewhat manageable straight. 2nd surgery at 18 to re-fuse the bolts holding the cable because the bone marrow they took from my rib refused to grow and fuse the bolts to my spine. that time they used deep marrow from my hip. again it never fused and I was left with what looked like a golf ball sticking out of my spine. I spent my years from that point working out and building core strength and muscles, I could of completed in shows. at age 23 I had my son, with no complications other then I could not get an epidural because of all the equipment blocking access to my spine. at age 26 I woke up one morning and could not feel my legs. at age 30 I went under the knife again and had cages placed under the bottom of the S curve due to severe degenerative disc disease. with my fusing issues needless to say it did not help and everything was broken with in a year. I became permanently disabled at age 35. really age 26 but you have to fight in court for an ridiculous amount of time to be awarded. after being on pain meds for that length of time, well addiction came with the pain. I got things under control and was doing great, i was still in pain, horrible pain and on pain meds but they were no longer controlling me. then at age 38 I had a house fire that devastated me. my son and I made it rout fine but we lost our 5 cats and EVERYTHING we owned. that's when all the extra pain meds I had from not really taking as much as prescribed throughout the years, which I kept in my mothers safe at her home, well I fell right back in to keeping myself numb. I had insurance so as we waited for a new home to be built my son and I stayed in a celebrity sized RV on my mothers property. and that summer is when I found and tried heroin and unfortunately i loved it. i then also realized i could shoot up the 100mg morphine pills i was prescribed. for 2 years I was a junky mess. I tried killing myself att age 40 because there was absolutely nothing left of me in the shell of the 90lb person I become. my son was supposed to be gone for the weekend and my mother was due to come the following morning to check on me as she did every day because she was worried daily, that this would be the day I overdosed. i took about 50 soma 350mg muscle relaxers and 22 morphine 100mg pills. I left notes and even laid out the clothes I wanted to be laid out in at my funeral. for some reason my son came back home that night and he and his 2 friends and his girlfriend, who I basically raised because she lived with us for 4 years, well they found me, lips blue, skin grey, laying on the floor in the kitchen just about dead. they did CPR until the ambulance arrived. I was hit with narcan 3 times and the paddles twice on the way to the hospital. honestly the paramedics told me they did not think I was going to make it, I died 4 times that night. I was put on the psych floor and the doctor there would not release me unless I went to rehab. so I spent a month on that floor being a stubborn ass and finally caved and went. I got clean and sober and when I came back home, it was to find my son now doing the exact same thing I was. and within 6 months time we were all 3 of us, my son, his girlfriend and my self all shooting heroin together. but I seen how bad my son was getting and I couldn't stand by and watch it anymore. I got on methadone and got him help as well. but before he finally turned around or what caused him to finally wake up was when he got hit by a truck and nearly died himself. he was flown by helicopter to the hospital and needed emergency surgery, his skull was shattered on the right side. 10 days I sat and watched the respirator he was on praying he would take a breath on his own. he did wake up finally and with alot of hardwork and therapy he went back to nearly 100% and him and walked away from it all. I was still on methadone because my back pain was tremendous. but we were healthy. and he still is. I have never seen him so happy and healthy and smiling so much as he does now. age 23, owns his own home, doesn't have a mortgage owns his home and works his butt off at both his job and his music. I couldn't be more proud. but me, well the degenerative disc disease caused the cages to move and the bolts from the cable holding my spine would get stuck in the cages and I started losing feeling in my legs again, I could not stand up right at all, I walked hunched over and could barely move from all the pain. So i had yet again another surgery. this one they broke apart my spine, took out all the equipment and rebuilt it from the sacral bones in the tail bone all the way up to the cervical spine. and once I was healed I felt amazing. I could not, not walk or sit or stand straight. and I could walk oh how I loved that I could walk without pain, I could do alot and wasnt in even a 1/4 of the pain I used to be. I felt great. I started lowering my methadone and even got back to working part time. but i over did it and ended up breaking my pelvis and some of the bars in my spine. i bent over to pick up an empty box and because there was no give in my spine, the 2 bolts that were placed in my pelvis, where they actually fused in real good, well they forced my pelvis to break. I was back in for surgery once again. I bounced back quickly, was careful and started working again. but then one month my doctors messed up my appointment and I couldn't get in to see my doctor in time for my script of methadone and I went looking elsewhere for help. I got right back into heroin. it was just weekends at first then a few times a week then everyday. i dont have many good veins left so shooting up can get tricky and messy and basically stabbing a needle into my self all over for long periods of time until I'd get it in me. this past december I got sick. I thought it was a flu or cold of some sort at first. I would get these terrible fevers every night and could barely move. my back hurt real bad as well. I thought I had broken something again and I finally wen to my doctor after my scar line from all the previous surgeries split open and started oozing pus. I figured I got an infection from the bolts moving in my hips and pelvis and the bone chipped maybe causing an infection in my tissue and organs and spine. but what I now truly believe happened is I got the infection from shooting heroin and it went to my spine. I had to have emergency surgery, had all the equipment from sacral bones in tail bone through thoracic removed and more equipment put into my cervical. as well as my hips, pelvis, muscle and tissue around those areas cut out due to the infection. they had to put in a picc line because nobody in the hospital could get a vein. I was on iv antibiotics for for 5 months, had 3 blood transfusions and am now in worse shape then I was before the rebuild surgery. I'm back hunched over, in so much pain I can barely move. I lay in bed or take the 2 steps to sit in my recliner and that is my day, my life now. I hate myself for what I've done, I hate my life because I ruined it and I have absolutely no reason to keep going. my son isnt stupid he knows the signs and knows that I am most likely shooting heroin when I can get it. especially since I had $3500 for him that o took out of the half million life insurance policy that is for him when I die, I was supposed to help him pay his home taxes.it's goneit all went into my veins, and my mother which whom I live with because I am unable to take care of myself, she has caught me twice with heroin and needles. I know I'm a piece of sh*t mom and a junky and there is no getting better with my spine. I dont want to put my family through all this again they deserve better and would be better off without me. I just have no will to live, i dont care anymore i just dont have the strength to fight this addiction especially when I'm in so much pain. with the condition I'm in there is no future with me getting off pain meds, as I was trying to before, there is no future where I'm happy either. I'm not happy, I'm not anything but numb and no I'm not high either. my pain management dr put me on buprenorphine Patches which dont or can't get a person high but they also do nothing for the pain and god forbid I cannot smoke weed otherwise he wont treat me. and as I just started seeing this dr my next apt I'm sure is when the real drugs begin. I dont even care about the high anymore i dont care about anything honestly. i just want it over, i am in so much pain which i know is my own fault but i also have no life to want to even try to live for. I leave the house once a month for my pain dr apt other then that I'm alone. sitting on a chair 2 feet away from where i drag myself from my bed. my mother owns her own business and works crazy hours so I see her maybe 3 times a week which is fine because she only looks at me with disgust. I dont want my son to see me because I'm disgusted with myself. I give up. there is no life left for me to live, or what is left is not what I want to live through. I believe my son will be better off without the worry about if I'm going to die but in fact being dead. he atleast will get a nice chunk of change when it happens, and I've checked my policy covers suicide. I dont even care how i get it done, for a while i was set on oding but then I thought I'll shoot myself, I was all ready to get it done and found that my mother removed the gun safe from the house. I dont know if I have it in me to cut my wrists, I even asked one of the drug dealers I know if they could find someone to shoot me instead, but I dont want any one getting in trouble for me wanting to die. but I know I am not going to be here much longer. I am beyond feeling hopeless I really dont feel anything but my pain, both physically and mentally. they all deserve better and I dont have it in me to even try forbetter. I accept what I am, I love my boy with all my heart but I rather destroy him with my death rather than destroy him with waiting and watching me allow pain meds and or heroin to suck out my soul and my take my life.

I know I told a long story and I'm positive most will be disgusted at me as a mother and person. but I needed to tell the truth to someone because its time. I just dont have it in me to want or try to live anymore.

I feel exactly the same. Ive always felt this way for about ten years but i lost my mam in September and i just cant bare being here. I have three grown up children and dont want to ruin their lives but leaving them but i just hate existing. I also work and act like everything is great. I feel so angry and hopeless.

I think we all need one good friend in our life to share things going through our mind. Even if we have lots of friends we badly need someone to listen us. Sometimes I feel like the absence of someone to listen me made me feeling sad, depressed and all. Hope you feel better now! If no one is around you to listen, just talk to yourself. Just write down what's going on your mind, it may help you. I have been trying that and I found that good.

hi i dont what to do i enough i am so fed up with life my brother hung himself in 2018 my mum passed away bin 2016 my dad passed away in 2013 i miss them so much i wish i was dead too if it wasn't for my dog i would i have lost interest in everything can you help

hello i at times feel the same way as you. all i can say is don't give up.

I totally agree with you. I'm 61 and any decent years will be gone by the time this virus business is over..... especially if it goes on for another 5 years. Life is pointless and I wish there was a foolproof and painless way to die.

Do not hide your feelings from people. Showcase your true feelings always. You will not get the support and help you need without being true in your emotions.

I am right there with you! i am married and have three kids, but I am so lonely! I feel I will never be enough for myself or others! I have dealt with much trauma in my life and I just want to disappear! I am unworthy of life and happiness.

yes I understand you its like there's just no reason too and nothing to look forward too

Honestly, despite telling you to cheer up and try harder, I feel you 😊 and I actually stumbled upon this post because I was feeling the same way as you do. I want to die too, just simply disappear ❤️ but I don't think I'd be be able to leave if I imagine my family weeping over my dead body 💀💀 but honestly, thinking that you'd have a family that would move on pretty quickly from your death is kinda depressing yea.. hmm point is, I see a lot of people living a good life and being a better person than I am and I hate that, being myself isn't a very satisfying thing so I do hate this :""( anyway, wanting to die isn't very rare nowadays, so basically just know that there are a lot of people that relates to you, so yes, having my life, isn't the best thing, but at least I could still joke with my friends, eat my favorite food every now and then, and watch new movies and read new books, sometimes it also becomes very hard I never want to be born again, so, that's all 😃 Vent or write down your feelings, and honestly that would feel like free therapy, write it in your notes, but don't forget to tell people you love them too and fake it till you make it ❤️

Me too. Grown child and all. I don't want to do anything that will have a negative effect on him. And I know he doesn't want our house, so I'd like to sell it before I do anything else. Every single day is a hassle.

i understand exactly what your going through. tired and just want to be done. i love God, not suicidal and love my kids but they are busy and live far away. no amount of meds will make it easier

I was clinically depressed for 4 months , So I can kind of get where your going . It's like something sucked all the joy out of life and your just going through the motions. At the same time I was having panic attacks, that was like having heart attacks on a daily bases .When your heart races to 140 for no reason it's scary. There is light at the end of the tunnel , and all things pass. Find the right meds , learn to relax and just take it one day at a time.