I wish I was dead. Tired of living.

Me too. :'(

I know how you are feeling. I found your post by googling "I wish I was dead". My life is not worth living. If I got fatal cancer, my first thought would be "how crap my life was". It would be a relief that I could finally end this crap trapped failed life. I've no friends even just to have a chat over coffee. I've got a beautiful clever daughter and my highly successful husband who is very loyal and supportive. I've trapped him in a unhappy marriage. I should've let him free and find somebody he could share his fun with. I'm boring dull, pathetic, hopelessly useless. I should let him go but we've got a young child,and I'm hopelessly unemployable in this country. English isn't my first language. And as my husband calls me a quiet little mouse, I've got no social skills. Socialising is something I try hard and keep failing. I love books and am obsessed with them, I can't drive although I tried a few driving lessons before the driving instructor ditched me. I hadn't had much confidence from the beginning but it's gone down to almost zero now. I really want to stop existing. Killing myself would be followed by ugly after-businesses which would despair my family. I don't want that. I just want to disappear from this world, stop being myself. I'm no depressed. Still can laugh at funny YouTube videos and go out for jogging. I failed to meet my husband's expectations. He's a successful charismatic guy whose company everybody enjoys. He's got lots of interests and a gift of gab. He 's super sharp and regarded as a godsend at his work. Everybody wants to be his friend. They probably are sorry for him being stuck with such a dull boring useless awkward woman.

I'm trying to get out of this self pithiness but my efforts just keep crumbling. I really don't know what to do other than lying on the sofa and staring the iPad screen.

I used to be more lively. More focused and positive. How did this happen?

Sorry about my messy random thoughts. I can't talk to anyone, and this post seems written here long time ago, hopefully you're feeling more hopeful than you were seven months ago.

I've never ever posted in any discussion or forum about anything in my whole life. This is very new to me and I'm nervous. Tonight I went to google and typed in "I want to die" and this came up. First of all I'm very sorry for what you're feeling. I don't think people who have never been seriously depressed can possibly understand, and many of those people reply with severe anger if they hear someone talk in this way. No one in my life can understand how I feel. I have had severe depression for going on 20yesrs. The only time in my life that I was truly happy was when I was raising my son. Just as with you, my son is 23 and living his own life. Growing up we were inseparable. Best friends. I do see him but I still feel a horrible hole in my heart. Sometimes it feels like I'm grieving since he moved out. I also have a lot of medical issues that started in 2000. I've seen more doctors than I can count. It seems that most of what is wrong can not be cured. I've suffered greatly because of all of it. I think about people who have it worse than me, like someone battling cancer. But then I think that person is fighting for their life. I'm just wishing and waiting to die. There's nothing I can fight to fix. My medical issues have prevented me from being able to look for or have a companion so I've been alone for 16 years. After my son left I just didn't want to live anymore. When I was younger I actually did try to die but someone was looking out for me. Now I feel like if I kill myself my son would be very hurt. I also have a cat that I adore and the thought of him going to the pound is unbareable. So I wake up every day and go to sleep every night wishing I would die and prey that someone would care for my pet and that my son would be ok. I hope this was not too long to write but I needed to get this out of mg head and I responded emotionally to what you wrote. You are not alone in your feelings.