I wish I was dead. Tired of living.

I hope that you are feeling better. Thank the Doctor for not giving you anti-depressant! I was on Venlafaxine for 10 years. Right up to another suicide attempt.

I then went on to Sertraline and Lithium which works better until recently.

I have now been in a constant state of depression for 3 years. Currently living from Mania to Depths of depression. 

Venlafaxine has a whole pile of side effects. I got the lot.

Problem peeing. No sex drive. Loss of memory. Suicidal thoughts.  I overdosed on Lithium over the past few days. Shaking like a leaf and dizzy.

I don't want to die,, but I can't see any reason to live. There is all that 'God' stuff instilled into me when I was a kid. Will I go to hell?

Careful with the Meds. I've been a zombie for the past 3 years. 

Plus.... In the absense of Prayer, for anyone suffering NOW ; I won't ask God to bless you but I do send you my blessing from my little corner of Hell.

Hi Jahnsteve

I imagine you are older than me, but I had serious depression for about two years, then an okay period of like 4 months and a huge relapse for another two years.

It has been two years since I have recovered to 100%! Excited, loving life, positive, loads of friendships, looking good, creative about my future.

I believe a lot of the problems we have in our lifes seem so normal when we are depressed, and we see no way of it changing that we become even less likely to fix it.

I have to say it sounds like you are in a really bad place now, in terms of your situation.

1)You just had a major surgery!

2)Your daughter is going through a PHASE, I was like that for my mum for a very long time, from 18 to about 32 I considered her a bit annoying in my life, I loved her but wanted to be with my friends and doing my own things, but that changed! She became way more important to me now, and I see her and give her so much more love and care as she deserves it just as much as you do, and you will see the change! As we grow older we appreciate what our parents have done for us, and how important we are for each other.

3) You are depressed! therefore not many friends and no excitement in the friendships.

4) Other things you haven't even realised.

I only came to this forum today because I had such a lovely day! and listened to a beautiful song that reminded me of the sadness and depression I once suffered from.

I have to admit, the only time I started recovery was when I chose to work hard to feel better, and I was tired, and ugly and had panic attacks, and wanted to be indoors at all times. But I pushed myself, because of the idea of recovery.

You say you never been happy before, but I very much doubt that! When you saw your daughter for the very first time when she was born... I am sure you felt the world shining and going crazy within you!  there will be new and beautiful moments to live, no matter how old or what situation you are in.

The fact you are here today, online, saying this, means something inside you, deep inside, wants to recover! That feeling is the feeling you gotta hold on to, I personally had recovery as my only source of energy and excitement.

You can do this! 

Wish you all the best

HI there

Firstly I was sad to read your post. Partly because I recognised myself in it and also because it isn't nice to hear that a person feels this way.

I'm just a teacher and I don't know about mental illness apart from my own experience with it.

I only wanted to ask if you've heard of scavenger hunts? You can download lists of them if you google them. They've helped me immensely and given me a focus and motivation.

It's sounds absolutely ridiculous but even having to search for the blandest of objects like a bottle top or a restaurant napkin! It kind of helped me to find little bits of joy in little things. And I've had to learn to do it alone (freaking terrifying I won't lie) but loneliness is like a horrible boss, it doesn't care and it's mean. I feel like we have to find strength from somewhere inside ourselves and fight back.

And that's where these scavenger lists have helped me.

I really hope you feel better and you can fight against your feelings.

And I'm sorry if I've just made you think I'm mad.

Good luck.

Dear jahnssteve,

   I read this post and thought "I wonder when I wrote this." It wasn't written by me but except for the kid, it WAS ME! EXACTLY!  I do so hope things have gotten brighter for you over the past year. 

   If it weren't for cable TV, I think I would have gone nuts. Like you I have a bright, sunny exterior. I was even a highly decorated flight attendant. Such a great actress. 

   I do so hope the black cloud over your head has disappated. I want to be not here anymore, but would never (I don't think) kill myself. Too scared of dying, just don't want to be here I wouldn't want to see the look of disappointment on my Creator's face. Anywaaay, I'm talking too much. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. 

You sound like me I put a front too I smile even though deep inside I am contemplating suicide. Im tired of living too. Im 24 but I feel like I'm 100. I'm drained. I think you should go out and hang out. Do things you enjoy doing. Talk to your therapist or your friends don't let the sadness make you do something you will later regret. Life is short. Enjoy it now. For tomorrow is not guaranteed. Live in the moment. Try to get yourself to go out staying at home will only isolate you more. You don't want that. Think about your grandkids if you have or if you don't. Don't you want to be there for them?? Watch them grow?? Life seems hopeless when you are depressed. But it is not the Reality. You have so much to live for. Make more friends go out more you might find someone else so they can make you company. No one gets over it. No matter how grown your daughter is she needs you. Your family needs you. They care about you. Suicide doesn't end the pain it will only give it to someone else. Choose Life.

I wish I had access to a gun

I feel the same as you. I just don't see the point in this anymore. I won't kill myself (yet) because I too have a daughter, shes a teenager. I have a few friends but I have nothing to live for. I met a man who I fell for and for that time I wanted to be alive, I experienced real happiness. Now I want to be dead. Inside I feel like I'm being torn up and I actually wish I was a spirit, not a physical being, because I can't see the purpose in this life.

?Some months ago I entered a really dark period where I actually had moments where I felt like I could harm myself, I could end it all. I've never been there before. That dark feeling is lurking again. Right now I don't want to harm myself, I'm learning to look after myself, trying really hard to grow and tackle things in a mature way. I want to be mature.

?I too feel like the people in my life have no time for me and there's only one person I feel I can actually turn to, but they are not there. So I'm alone. I'm also really sick and tired of being alone, alone, all the damn time. Even when I'm with people, in my soul I'm so so alone.

?Thanks for posting your post; I guess there are other people who feel like I do. Maybe it'll get better.