I wish I was dead. Tired of living.
Posted , 211 users are following.
I really don't want to live anymore. I'm alone but do have some friends. Have a grown daughter that has a busy life and no time for me. I think people would be sad and miss me, but not terribly. They'll get over it. I recently had major surgery and it went well. Not life threatening. Yet I am so very sad and just don't want to continue. I have no reason to be be depressed but I am and I just don't want to face another day. I was seeing a therapist until 2 weeks ago when he released me. I'm very good at hiding my true feelings from everyone. If you so me at work or with friends you'd think I was a happy go-lucky person. It's all a front.
I'm not looking forward to anything. I just want to die. I'm not in danger of hurting myself, I just want to be dead. I'm so tired. So tired of living.
36 likes, 302 replies
spring34293 jahnssteve
Posted
Dear jahnssteve.
It's winter the most depressing time of year. Remember the world is about to wake up again where the air is warm the trees and flowers are in bloom. The birds chirp a little sweeter and the sun is a little brighter. I am attending my daughter-in-laws mother's funeral tomorrow she is only 57 years old. died from lung and brain cancer. these kinds of things really put into perspective for me that things really aren't that bad. Yes they could be better but brother they can also e a lot worse. It is up to our individual selves to seek out what we need and what will make our lives more meaningful for us. The people around us are not mind readers and cannot possible know how we are feeling unless we tell them.
Get what you need, let the coming Spring soak into your soul and reach out for happiness. Your life is worth so much more than you realize and you're way more important to the people that love you than could could possibly know. Get out of your box and live, the first step is the absolute hardest after that it gets easier I promise you because I'm doing this right now. I am following my own advice for a change and it is amazing how much better I feel.
Best of luck to you and remember it's up to you to be happy
spring34293
Posted
everett80629 spring34293
Posted
Every day is different. That's the deal with being bi-polar.
everett80629 spring34293
Posted
X12345 jahnssteve
Posted
anchalanuragj jahnssteve
Posted
ayur33452 jahnssteve
Posted
Hi Jahnssteve,
Your condition or way of thinking suggest me that you are a depressed kind of person, and don't want to share your feelings with anyone because you have no one to take care of you. My friend life is the precious gift and you are no one to destroy it. If you have such feelings then I must suggest you spend some time with children living in an orphanage because they also want someone to take care off and you also feel better and understand the value of life. The person with disabilities also live their life happily and you are a well-established kind of person.
Just you have to find the way to distract your mind with this thought and definitely you will feel better.
Hope you will quit this thought and live a better life.
Best of luck.
joe54098 jahnssteve
Posted
I really appreciate your honesty, jahnssteve. Being lonely, sad, depressed and tired is not a good way to live. When I was younger I used to wonder what it would be like to be old and alone. I would notice older people in the condo I lived in come and go. It seemed like the happier ones were married and had someone to share their lives with. This one Jewish couple were constantly talking to each other in the elevator, would pause a second to say hello, and go right to their chit chat, looking at each other and talking to each other like they were the most important people in the world. My grandmother lost her one husband in Armenia where he was murdered by the Turks. She came here and got married a second time to my grandfather who died of stroke shoveling off snow during the winter in Massachusetts. The third time she got married was when she was in her sixties and insisted it was for nothing but companionship. The point I am getting at is that is important to be important to someone or in a group of people. Why don't have more chat rooms where we can discuss these kinds of things? You have to be willing to share yourself with others even if you don't find it comfortable. Find people to talk to about this. Love yourself and realize that you do have value as a person. I will be honest....before you think I am a Rah Rah person who can't relate I want you to know that I got on the internet and read your post because I felt like you and decided to try and find some answers. You created value in my life, friend just by reading your post. Keep writing jahnssteve and I will look for your posts to follow what is going on with you. Just look at all the posts from other people who posted because of you.
GodsLuvAlwayz jahnssteve
Posted
I signed in just to talk to you. I'm 31 and feel the same way!!! My mother abandoned me at a lake in Harmony PA at age 7. She the gave me up to my uncle and Aunt. My uncle was and is a raging alcohol. He hit us both all the time! In 6th grade I went into foster care bc of all of the marks on me and lumps on my head. Then it was foster home after foster home. I was never adopted bc my family wouldn't sign over their rights. I'm still alone with no family and a broken heart. The only thing I do have is Christ and his love. He always helps me. I won't forget to pray for u. I truly am sorry we aren't family. It sounds like we need each other. Bless u. Always and forever.
Missy12345 jahnssteve
Posted
I feel the same way. Except I don't have any friends. I have an older son and daughter but neither one ever call me unless they want something. But now they call even less because I don't have a job. Trump let it go to Mexico!
I'm scared to get a job, because I suffer with migraines at least 3 to 4 times a week.
New employers won't get that.. so I won't make it thru the probation period.
Not to mention my husband will not have a job by the end of May now. He's 60 and said he's going to retire. But he's in way better health than I am.. so I think he should get a job.
We had plans for retirement.. But not til retirement age. He still has 7 years and I have 10.
So I'm just wanna remove myself from this situation.. rather than wait til I'm 75 with no money and no where to go... and have to say I told ya so to my husband.
Missy12345
Posted
I wrote a couple days ago and thing have gotten worse! My grandson was here this weekend and I didn't get to spend any time at all with him! This happens all the time.. My husband just takes total control of him. They play games and don't include me. He brought food home for them and nothing for me. The next morning he made food for them and nothing for me again. They play games together all the time and purposefully leave me out. My grand son has asked me to play but my husband says on no she don't want to! Now why would I not want to play with my grandson! That's absurd! Then he did the food thing again at supper. So today makes three days I haven't eaten anything- just water! When I go get something to eat myself I can't find the food! I have t wait til tomorrow to look while he is not here.
everett80629 Missy12345
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everett80629
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The husband broke their little girls thumb. - sorry. Because she didn't listen, I believe the daughter was like less than 10 years old. sick and wrong.
amanda35274 Missy12345
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everett80629 Missy12345
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Concentrate on what you do have. Not what you don't. You need a lot less than you think. I can be just
fine on a spring day in Michigan just walking my German Shepard pup. ( in the sunshine )
When it's out.
Missy12345 everett80629
Posted
I don't have anything worth living for. Like I said.. My kids don't call.. My grand son don't want anything to do with me when he's here. No friends.
I'm so depressed and lonely I just cry and sleep all day. Only one way to make it stop!
I've also been dealing with the fact I was molested for many years by my oldest brother, then he came home from college one year and him and a bunch of his friends gave me some kind of drug and gang banged me. I've had nightmares about that for over 40 years!
I'm just not happy with my life and I want it to end!
Every night I go to sleep and wish not to wake up.
everett80629 Missy12345
Posted
Wow, that's tough. I'm on ssi, I have bi-polar disorder, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, anti-social tendencies, hmm, let's see , violent convicted offender, 25 years ago- but it still follows me everywhere. been to prison twice,, jail too many times, Miami-Dade, x-crack head, cocaine addict, and the best thing I can say about my drug travels, was the tripping I did on acid. Only 3 times. It was way-too good, no way I was f*****g with it any more. An alcoholic, 3 kids, all adults, 1 grandkid, my oldest daughter, (professional full nude stripper) had him when she was 16, he's 7 haven't seen him in 6 1/2 years. But as a plus, I'm an experiencer of the 4th kind. Yep, trancendentals (being's of energy and light) visited me when I was about 7. That is not a joke. Anyway, they left with the ability to remote view future events. And believe me, it can get quite confusing at times. Anywho, I'd say that the worst part of all of this is the depressive episodes, they can last for an hour, or days. Depakiote, which is a drug given to people who suffer from seizers helps, it does something to the brain to calm the nerve receptors down. Oh, and also , I suffer from extreme insomnia, and THAT IS THE WORST. I understand a lot of people suffer from it. Listen, a new doctor I had 3 or 4 years ago strated writing me scripts for anti-psychotics, it wasn't long and I had my first anxiety attack, I was driving down my street, and all of a sudden, it was physically like a f*****g wave came over me, and the truck. It was horrific, I told my doctor, she put me on Xanax, -- I was crying all the time, took me off that, put me on ATIVAN,,,,,,,,,,,,,, OMFG, being an addict, I totally abused it. And it almost killed me getting off of it. There is so much more, my daughters boyfriend died right in front of her while camp[ing with friends in the remote woods of Northern Michigan, he was a recovering heroin addict, and I guess he relapsed, the f*****g piece of s**t died right in front of my 19 year old daughter. I ended up in the worst psych ward in Detroit, not by choice, involuntarily admitted because of suicidal ideations. Last November I ended up with staffacocall pneumonia, was in the hospitalfor 3 days, 2 days on a morphine drip, the f*ckers found a mass in my right lung, the doctors said it could be cancer, putme in the cancer ward, did a biopsy, 2 weeks later, it was gone. Then one week later after getting out of the hospital I get pulled over for A........ DWI----- Guess what, the cop let me go home. 2blocks from home. At this point I was looking to attach my fall prevention bracket to the roof, (it's for roofing) you attach a 5-point harness) but I was thinking about making up a noose, (which I know how to do) and jump off the roof. I thought about my son, 20 yrs, old, my 2 daughters, then I remembered how my dad was killed drunk driving 30 years ago when I was 22.--------- I didn't do it. -- I used to go to A.A.--- went for 15 years, same 3 mens groups 3 times a week, --------------- If there's anything you remember about this reading , remember this.----------------------- And I think I've got experience with it. ------------------------------------------------------------------ THIS TO SHALL PASS. --------------------------------
? everything ABOVE IS THE TRUTH. IN FACT IF I TOLD YOU THE ENTIRE STORY INCLUDING CRIMES COMMITED ------------- I'd be writing for the next two hours. --- Maybe you need a vacation. A break in monotony.------------ Anything to break the depression. Peace-out !!!
? And good luck !!