I wish I was dead. Tired of living.

I know what you mean. Nothing actually causes you to just want to die. You just want to. I want to die, but then I simply started sleeping better, eating better. I'm not sure what flipped my switch, but I just started noticing things. I started seeing the great things about my day. Even though I kinda started finding little reasons as to why life was worth living and how beautiful it really is to exist at all, I also have really bad days. Last night I couldn't sleep at all. I had a migraine and it didn't go away. My siblings didn't want to be quiet for my sake. It wasn't fun, but I know that the future has something in store for me at least. I know that today I get to eat another good meal. I get to spend time with my grandparents that came to visit me yesterday, though we don't talk too much. I get to live for another day, and I'm thankful for that because no one knows if you really go to heaven. No one knows if you'll even exist. And everyone is afraid of death because they can't even comprehend the thought of not existing. I don't know what's on the other side, but remember that though there are ups and downs in life, though it seems like right now you're going through a tough time, know that that's just life. You have to accept that things go wrong, but don't stop trying to make them better. Don't just wait around for them to fix themselves. Take charge of your life. Tell your daughter straight up that you want to see her. Tell her how you feel. Do what you have to do and do what you want to do. This is your life, and for all we know, it's the only one you'll get. Just keep living your life.

For one thing. I think we need to give ourselves a break. Don't take ourselves too seriously, and lighten-up . - My number one daily task is just this, and a simple task it is. I put all my energy in "Not Getting Twisted " about anything. Whether it be my offering free rides for the past 5 years to my "Alone in the world " elderly neighbor, to giving my daughter endless rides to her appointments, because she got a DWI. Being her first problem, she is showing a great amount of humility. So thing's may very well turn out for the better. 

?                      Peace-out !!?, <---  That's my bi=polar, many emotions all at once. 

I understand that you feel hopeless and that the only solution is suicide, but the thing is that life is already too short as it is, so why would you want to make it shorter? No one knows what is on "the other side", so for all we know this is the only life we have. Would you really want your life to be just like the rest of your family's? You felt terrible when your family members died, so do you want anyone else to feel the way you did? You have to find things in life that you can appreciate. You also have to realize that life can be unfair, but there are also those little moments where life is pretty good. You have to take a step back and reflect on what's around you and what you have. If you're unhappy with what's around you, you have to make an effort to change it into something you'd be proud of or content with. I'm sure that you are a really strong person who's dealt with a lot. Would you really want your own downfall to be yourself? You've already lived half of your life, don't you wonder what's going to come next? Maybe fate has something amazing in store for you. You'll never know what wonderful things you'll have later on in life unless you keep fighting to live. And no one has ever said that life was easy. The whole point of it is to go through rough times. No one can ever live a perfect life, there is no such thing as perfect. Just make sure to think positively. Everyday you catch yourself being down, try watching a movie that you know will lift your spirits. Or go hiking. Sometimes depression can also be linked with your lifestyle, so maybe make an effort to eat healthier and work out more often. People say eating healthy food is difficult, but that's only if you have unhealthy temptations around, so if you're one of those people, hide away all your junk food. Find the things worth living for. If you think you have nothing to live for, that's a lie. Now is the time to find the things you love and to devote your life to them. Keep living so that you can explore the world around you and see everything in a whole new light. Keep growing and working to change yourself in order to see who you could become, who you WANT to become in a couple of months or years. Yes, happiness takes work and its time. No one ever said they were where they were without any work or effort.

This is exactly what I was talking about. Unless you live with Borderline Personality Disorder, you cannot know how I personally feel. I'm tired of people telling me how to be happy. I know what happiness is. I also don't eat junk food, so no idea where that came from. All you've done by telling me how to live my life, is make me want to live it less. I have no friends and family, so nobody would miss me at all. People just don't get it. I'm literally sick and tired of keyboard warriors telling me how I should live my life, and what would make me happy. I know exactly what makes me happy. I have hobbies. I'm a very intelligent person. I don't want to commit suicide because I'm sad. I want to do it to stop the literal pain inside my brain. My brain literally hurts. I'm not sad.

People need to educate themselves before they "try to save" others.

Good day.

I understand how you feel I think. I too have also tried suicide and threatened suicide and I had the police called on me too. But when I went to the hospital, I lied to the doctors because I didn't want to be there. It's like I have no time for the hospital because I do have a good job and I'm in a lot of debt. Can't keep a job and pay off my debt if I'm in the hospital. But then there's the other side of me that just says that if I didn't succeed in my suicide attempts then I don't want to go to the hospital. I just want to be dead period. I don't want to sit in a hospital. I want either be dead or if it fails, I want to be left alone at home. I don't want the hospital but now I do go to the social worker and doctor to try to get some help on how I feel but I feel like they don't help. They sit and ask me "well how do you think you should fix that problem?" .....if I knew how to fix the problem by myself then I wouldn't be here talking to a social worker would I? The only thing that helps me is the meds the psychiatrist gives me. I just want to still not be here though. I'm literally just tired of it. Even yesterday, my one friend that I do have was hanging out with her other friends that came over from another country and I invited them all to hang out with me the other night (Friday night) and they all said they'd come out with me tomorrow night (saturday night) but when last night (saturday night) came, my friend texted me and said "we arent coming because we are just going to do our own thing today" and I said "oh OK". I felt like maybe she was saying that because her other friends probably didnt like me when they met me on Friday night. I don't know what to think but I think it has to do with me. I just really know that very very few people would care if I actually did die tomorrow.

Smoke tree !!!!!           I have a friend who has been a first responder for 25 years. The stress he has had to endure, is monumental. -- He was even shipped to the Trade Center to assist. He told me about bodies being impaled by parking meters. ---------  He's well paid, and an officer.-- Yet he has found relief in tree. --------  It works wonders children. -- And it's straight from mother nature. Which is why the government dislikes it. ------------------------    Smoke tree my friends. 

Thank you very much for your reply. You are definitely correct. I used to smoke it, and my feelings were never this bad. Unfortunately I live in Australia where it is illegal to smoke/grow. I could never afford the the oil, or whatever it is that the Dr's can prescribe. Ever since I stopped smoking, my feelings have esculated through the roof and beyond. I will have to seek it out again, as you are definitely correct about it easing the thoughts and feelings. Thank you so much for your very helpful answer. Not many people understand. They just call smokers "stoners" and they have absolutely no idea that it controls our suicidal thoughts and makes us/me happy again, and want to get up and go, do things I love, and not sit insider working out how and when you want to end it all. Peace to you also  ???

I think you misunderstood my intentions. I don't want to tell you how to live your life, I just want to help you find out what might be making you feel this way. I understand that I will never truely know how you feel, but I'm just trying to see if any of my own experience can be applicable to your own experiences. I'm not trying to push any of my views on you at all, so I'm sorry if that's how I came off. I simply believe that maybe by sharing my thoughts, you could pin point or at least get a small idea of what might be making you feel that way. I'm not saying I know what you're going through, but I just didn't want you to feel this way. Do you know why people keep saying to keep living? It's because there's too much to live for. I wanted to show you this amazing point of view where you can't help but see the great things about your day. So if you don't appreciate me simply trying to help, or if my thoughts just made you feel worse, I'm sorry forr making you feel the way you do and I'm sorry for caring. Honestly if I didn't help, just go see a professional because I can tell by you trying to discuss this, you might want help, so go to a professional for help, not some random person on the internet. And I'm not saying that to dictate your life, I have absolutely no control over your life, and you should know that, I just hope you get some help. And sorry if that sounds like there's something wrong with you, because there isn't anything wrong with you, again I just hope you find ways to feel better. I hope you find a reason to live. Goodbye.

You need to seriously back off and stop replying to me, as my original comment was not enough for you. You have made me very upset and angry, as you either cannot read correctly, or you're just a simple minded human. I've already explained why I feel the way that I do, and have also explained the reason that causes my feelings. You are no help whatsoever, and again, have made me angry. The more you reply, the more angry I feel. Please step down and leave me alone. 

Thank you. 

I made a spelling error. It was mea to say  "not EVEN for you"

Hi Bnc626

We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

Kindest regards

Patient

Exactly. You got it spot on. I volunteer at a church once a week. All the volunteers are my "friends" until church has finished. Then it's  "yeah whatever, I have to go now"

Way to bring a person down even more. Even the workers, like the Pastor and his merry men say that they cannot help me because I'm  "out of their way"  I manage to get there every week without fail, and I don't even drive. But if I need something, I'm out of their way. It's a 5 minute drive, and that's in heavy traffic. Humans have lost all respect in my eyes. 

Take care of you 💖

Yes, it's like I have to bend over backwards for everyone but nobody bends backwards for me. Then when I tell people I don't like people and I don't get along with them then they all say "oh no there are good people left out in the world", I'm like "then I don't know of many at all". I know that if I died tomorrow then I'm sure everyone who was invited to come to my funreal would probably say "oh I can't make it because of "x,y,z excuse"". They make up excuses for everything else. I can't even invite people out because I know I'd hear an excuse. I'm just tired of everyone and all their garbage.

I am going to stay in touch with you if that's ok with you? I'm not sure where you are or if there is a time difference, but I will create a new email address when I get home from church, and you can email me if you would like to. We have much in common, and I would like it if we could continue chatting not on a public forum. I ha to go now, but I will definitely get back to you later in the day. Take care of you xx

Yes, that would be just fine with me. I check my email every other day or so. So you can definitely email me. Just need to find a way and hope nobody else emails you on it since this is a public board. I would post mine but I get too much junk email as it is and I don't need these people emailing me with their garbage fakeness. So yes, if you set up an email, let me know and I will email you too. I'll put this sn in the subject line and my email too has these same initials as my screen name on here so you'll know it's me.