If my son loses his fight for life so will I....

Posted , 7 users are following.

My 12 year old son is currently battling for his life with AML (Acute Myloid Leukaemia). He was diagnosed 31st May last year. He also has been diagnosed with a thing called FLT3 which is a change in the chromosomes which means the disease is harder to treat. He had a bone marrow transplant last year and things were looking good until his blood was taken the day before Good Friday and the results revealed my nightmare that this evil disease has returned. A few weeks before we knew the Leukaemia had returned I had a really hard emotional day at work and when I came home to my wife I told her if anything happens to my son Timothy I won't want to live anymore. I'll be honest my faith in God is pretty low now as I don't understand why my son has to go through this intense treatment again and if he does he will only have a 10% chance the cancer won't come back. I know it's selfish thinking about killing myself but I have thought about doing it in such a way it looks like an accident so no one ever knows.

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18 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear Huswife,

    What a truly appalling time you're having. My heart well and truly goes out to you.

    There is no dressing it up, you are going through hell. It's no wonder you're angry, disillusioned, depairing and wanting it all to end. I'm not a doctor and I'm not religious so I wont comment on your son or your faith in God (though it's certainly being tested) but what I can tell you from 100% experience is to hang in there. It will get better. When I was at my worst, all I could do was focus on 'endurance'. Just finding any way I could to get through that bad day/period of my life, and it really does work. As Churchill famously said "When you're going through hell, just keep going". I quite often remembered this, when I felt like I couldnt take much more. 

    Like you, I often wonder why horribly awful people live long lives and innocents like your son have such battles, but sadly these are questions we're not able to answer. You can get through this, you will see better days, you'll be pleased you didn't hurt yourself. I promise. I dont usually, but I will prey for your son when I get home today. All the best x

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  • Posted

    It is only natural that you feel hurt and depressed when your son is so very ill, but thinking of harming yourself in any way will not alter the situation at all.

    Our children are so very precious to us because they are made our of our very own fabric, and they know instinctively how we feel about ourselves.

    So what I am saying is, whilst it is difficult please abandon any idea of what you might do to yourself if the worst should happen, and try to conjour-up a more positive approach to him getting well.

    I am not only suggesting this because it is important for you and for your son, but also because if your wife senses that she might be without you if the worst should happen, then how in heavens could she possibly be expected to cope?

    Remember this, there is great strength in numbers, and your wife and you together have a greater chance of surviving any calamity, than your wife would do if she was left on her own.

    Your little boy is now very sick, but there is every chance that he will recover, so please, please let's have some positive vibes coming from you to try and aid his recovery.

    I sense that you do not believe in God, well please believe me when I say that this is the very time that you need to start praying that things will work out well for your family, and just in case your lack of belief is entrenched I am putting you on my regular prayer list.

    If you look on the prayer page on this forum in the next 24 hours you will find your nom de plume there together with your wife and son Timothy.

    I wish you and your entire family better health and more happiness.

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    • Posted

      To those who have offered their prayers for Timothy and his family, thank you.

      Still many more prayers are needed, and I would urge all believers and others to please include this family in their thoughts and prayers.

      Thank you once again.

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    • Posted

      I 100% believe in God, truly there is no meaning to life without Him. Why would He put my family through something I could never cope with, I'll never understand. At this present time I will NEVER stop believing in the power of Jesus name when I pray. My feelings and emotions are all over the place. I know what everyone is saying about being there for my wife and Timothy's older siblings (I have 3 more children) and I get that. However I feel like me and Timothy are in our own bubble when we're alone together, I'm oblivious to everyone and everything. If that bubble should burst I'm not sure what I'll do.
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    • Posted

      Then, as a Believer you must know that you should only do one thing, and that is to try to shrug off the pain and be strong for the benefit of your wife and for all your children.

      As to why God allows such horrible things to happen I have no idea, but I do know that no matter what I will never stray from Him, despite like you I have been forced to face some really challenging and unbearable grief and torturous pain.

      The one thing about the Almighty that always hold true, is that no matter what happens in our lives he guides us through to a better life in the end.

      Just please believe that if nothing else.  

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  • Posted

    Hello I don't know your name but read your message . I feel for you immensely as to what you and your family are going through right now. 

    I believe you should speak to your doctor or to a close friend about your thoughts. Someone you know you can trust . You could even call the Samaritans who are trained to help talk you through burdening issues. You should seek help yourself and don't be afraid to admitting them your thoughts - you are have written them down in this forum so the next step is to verbalise it to a friend or professional.

    in addition you said you had a stressful and emotional day at work - is there any way you would be in a position to take time off ? - I understand you may be self-employed but otherwise speak to your boss and I am sure he would not hesitate in allowing you time off both to be with your son and family and also time out you need if you are feeling this desolate . 

    Also your GP - I have no question he would sign you off if you talked to him about how you are feeling .


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  • Posted

    Sorry about the mistakes in my last post.

    My son has autism and my husband once said to me he didn't know what he had done to deserve having a son with autism  - he thought he had a pact with God that his children would be ' perfect'.

     I on the other hand didn't see it like that - if anything it made me and still makes me love my son more. Each day is a challenge and that's what we do - take each day as it comes. I really don't know why these things happen to us but I pray for your son and yourself and all your family I really do .

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    • Posted

      My eldest son Matthew has aspbergers syndrome as does my youngest Timothy who has Leukaemia. I love all my children but I do have soft spots for my special children. There is a reason God brought them into my life. God knows my heart and the pact I made with Him that really wanted to see all my children grow up and I hold onto that.
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    • Posted

      Hello Mark,

      I too feel very very much for all the pain you and your family are going through.

      Like everyone here on our planet ,I don`t know either just why our sweet Lord Jesus allows us to suffer in this way .

      But I try and look at it in another way ,I tell myself if my Lord Jesus was so rejected,so hurt,to the point where he was so cruelly crucified on the cross he was made to carry on his body,then we too could also suffer our own crosses too.

      Sometimes it does help but when at my lowest of low times,soemtimes it doesn`t .So I try and keep deep within my heart ,of how much Jesus was hurting ,and did not complain .

      Please do keep coming in here Mark ,as has already been said we are here to help you and your family in any way we are able to .


      Take Care

      ,you are in my heart and in my prayers too


      (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs hugs hugs ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

      hugs to help comfort you and your family


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    • Posted

      Hi Mark,

      Yes please do keep coming back. We all need comfort, help and encouragement in our turn. Our journeys through life get so difficult from time to time. I too am having a very difficult patch filled with uncertainty. 

      Two  things are helping me with the emotional pain. One is that I am not the only one bowed down in spirit. The other is that there are friends here encouraging me and praying for me. Both are such a help. Please keep coming back.

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  • Posted

    But you and God will know.
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