My daughter diagnosed with Herpes
Posted , 33 users are following.
Hello all, I'm mum to an 18 year old gorgeous girl who was diagnosed with Genital Herpes yesterday. I am feeling very shocked, upset and angry that this has happened to her. (Not angry with her)
She's only ever been in one long term relationship but did have a semi casual relationship fairly
recently. As a parent I want to support her through this difficult diagnosis and help her deal with the
changes this may bring to her life. I'm sure I'm like most parents, in that we want our children's lives
to be as perfect and trouble free as possible, but life can deal a few crappy blows and this really feels like one right now. I wonder if there are any other parents on here that can help me deal with this in a positive way? Or anyone who is of a similar age who can let me know how they really feel; my daughter is very withdrawn at the moment. She knows that I love her so very much and I am always here for her. Please share your experiences with me so that I may help her. Xx
2 likes, 37 replies
Guest Mummapippop
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momkit Mummapippop
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Also I am close to the mom of the girlfriend that spread this personal information about my daughter, should I say something to her? or just leave it. It really is bullying, and if it was my daughter I would want to know
Guest momkit
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So sorry to hear that your daughter is also struggling with this. While I am certainly no expert, all the research I have done states that HSV1 is so common. Not that this really helps make you feel better when it's your own daughter that is diagnosed. I too struggled with whether or not to share with the exboyfriend's parents. I have decided not to. My daughter is now an "adult" and it was her choice to tell me and I feel it is his choice to tell his parents. Just my personal perspective. As for the girl that is sharing this personal info with others, I would want to say something for sure. However, what do you hope to achieve? Getting this girl's parents upset with her will likely cause her to talk more versus just letting this settle down (again just my perspective). It sounds like you and your daughter have a very open and honest relationship similar to the relationship I have with my daughter. I would ask her. Talk to her about all the possible outcomes and if she is okay with it, then talk to this girl's mom. This certainly isn't easy by any means. My daughter continues to find out about other girls her ex has been with, some are new friends at college. She struggles with knowing she has this (no symptoms, was just tested because he was sleeping around on her with several girls...oh the joys of Tinder!) and wishing she never knew. Word travels so fast that she has pretty much decided to not be with anyone for her next 3 years of college because she doesn't want it to be known. It is hard when she sees girls all around her having unprotected sex and multiple partners when she was so selective and yet has gotten this. I hope that somehow this makes our girls stronger.
momkit Guest
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Thank you for the encouraging email. Thank goodness my daughter is away at university and not surrounded by the friend group that now "knows". The evils of social media. We are a small community so unfortunately gossip tends to travel fast... I will probably not talk to the ex boyfriends mother as she is the type that will not accept that their child could have given anyone a STD. As far as the friend that chose to gossip about something that was told to her in confidence, I probably will say something to her mom, as the mom and I have been friends for a few years and I think she could talk to her daughter right and wrong and how she has impacted someone's shelf worth.I asked my daughter if she would be okay with me speaking with the girls mother and she said yes. I have also recommended to my daughter that she get some counseling at the university to help her deal with the emotional impact of this.
Shelbs1562 Mummapippop
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Be_Strong Shelbs1562
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Wondering how you are making out. After reading your comment I felt I needed to reach out to you. I am sorry all the adults in your life have not showed you how valuable you are. A stupid skin condition changes absolutely nothing about you.
momo5705 Mummapippop
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Hi! I'm an 18 year old freshmen girl in college who got diagnosed with GH type 1 when I was 17 after a guy I was briefly seeing forced himself down on me. I had no sexual experience before that and the assault was enough to deal with even before the symptoms occurred.
You remind me exactly of how my mom reacted (in a good way) and I'm so glad your daughter could trust you. When it happened to me, that was the worst few days of my life and I get tears thinking about it. I was bedridden, feverish and couldn't sleep for 3 days from the pain. Had so so many sores and awful swelling. It was the first bad thing that had ever happened to me and I was on complete rock bottom. I didn't go to school (I was a senior) for weeks and I didn't see the point of living anymore. Everything I'd worried about before the diagnosis seemed so trivial and unimportant now that this had come along. I told the guy (in effort to stop him spreading it, as much as he didn't deserve to hear from me) and he complained about how sad he was, but didn't even apologize to me!
I was depressed for a whole year and couldn't enjoy anything but still had to maintain my sports and schoolwork which I somehow managed to do. I appeared normal however as soon as I was alone I'd be in tears. The worst part is when people make herpes jokes, or you're watching a movie that mentions it and everyone laughs. But you can't. Because that would be disrespecting yourself, your past and everything you've had to be so freaking brave to survive through.
My first semester I had nothing to do with guys (hadn't kissed anyone since my diagnoses almost 2 years ago). However this semester I found the perfect guy for me, and we've been dating for 3 months. It's everything I've ever wanted, and after all I've been through I know I'm now mature enough to understand what I need and I really see a future with him.
However I still haven't told him about my GH. It's got to the point where it's weird, because we definitely would be intimate by now if it wasn't for this. But I'm too scared that he won't want me, as we are only 18 and without having had this fast maturation and change of mindset from my GH experience I definitely wouldn't be ready to settle and risk an STD for someone at such a young age, even if they were perfect. I just don't know how or when to tell him so I keep putting it off. I feel like I'm hiding a big part of me and it's a burden to carry. Has been raging in the back of my mind since the first day we met, when I knew I wanted him.
If anyone has advice please reply
Moveebuff1953 momo5705
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Hi; How are you handling your relationsip now? Did you tell your b/f? From what I've read it seems that it is best to discuss this with your partner (easier said than done) . If he is understanding and you take precautions then hopefully he will stay with you.
My daughter got GH a couple of months ago and she is devastated. She had the fever, soreness & blisters in her vagina (she showed me). I feel so bad for her. I am furious with the guy (she just broke it off with him). He was very sorry and said that he didn't know he had it which is quite possible & we believe him.
There are a lot of information on the net so I just keep trying to find something positive to encourage my daughter. I wish there was a cure.
Moveebuff1953 Mummapippop
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How is your daughter now? Is she handling the emotional & physical problems?
My daughter started a new relationship after 2 years of being along (no sex) This guy swears he did not know he had the virus. He knew that he got cold sores once in a while but didn't think it could be an STD. I'm furious with him. My daughter has just ended the relationship and now she has to live with herpes for the rest of her life.
Any words of comfort or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Moveebuff1953 Mummapippop
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This happened to my daughter. She was in a long term relationship that ended & after 4 years as single she met a guy who went to the same high school. He told her that he hadn't been in a relationship for several years. What he didn't tell her was that he was prone to cold sores. Well cold sores can cause genital herpes. I was furious that a guy with a Masters degree working on a Phd. could be so naive. My daughter suffered with body pain, fever, so many blisters in her vagina which caused excrutiating pain especially when urinating. The new b/f was extremely upset & felf to guilty (so he should) She broke off the relationship and now feels like she's tainted. She has not had an outbreak since the first one & hopefully she has suffered through the worst of it. Mentally she is feeling much better & just hopes that whomever she meets in the future will be understanding of her situation.
Both her dad & myself were furious with the b/f but we never let on b/c we didn't want her to feel even worse than she did.
I told her that, yes this is terrible but no one died, she didn't get cancer or any other fatal disease & time will heal the psychological trauma.
Just be supportive with your daughter and hopefully she will feel stronger each day. If not then seek couselling for her...there are many support groups online as well.
Best wishes to you and your daughter....this sucks...I know...:-(
lauralo1001 Moveebuff1953
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Unfortunately it's not been made common knowledge that HSV 1 is probably the more prominent cause of new genital herpes cases. I have the same diagnosis as your daughter, genital HSV 1 from a person who had it orally. The most frustrating thing is the other person having it in the more preferred place that's less stigmatised, whilst you're left feeling punished because you didn't contract it as a child non-sexually. After having it for almost a year though I can assure you it's not a burden to my life. I can still do all the things I did before, and I don't suffer from outbreaks so it feels like I don't have it most of the time. Obviously it still plays on my mind from time to time but I'm able to redirect my thinking to more positive things. I hope your daughter is okay, and it's easy to remind her she's not alone but maybe tell her that I'm a specific example that's also thinking about her
lauralo1001 Mummapippop
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Well it seems your daughter has joined our ship, but it's not all doom and gloom! 19 year old girl here, been diagnosed for almost a year now. I told my mum and she was sympathetic, but since I've just gotten on with my life (at uni and stuff) it's not cropped back up in conversation again. It's really lovely you being there for her diagnosis, that's the scariest part over!
I'll share some of my relationship-ish experiences with you so far
I guess you both share worries for the future, and that's completely fine because it seems like her future may be more restricted. From personal experience, that's not the case for me. I was completely distraught when I figured I contracted herpes, and took a boy who I was seeing (but hadn't transmitted me the herpes) at the time to the appointment with me. Received a positive result, my self esteem plummeted but his acceptance of me didn't waver. He truly liked me, he did before my diagnosis and still did afterwards. I ended up rejecting him as he wasn't the one for me, although even now he still tries speaking to me so horrah! Non-herpes partners aren't the ones with all the power, I've rejected a lot of people and I'm entitled to even with this virus
Now meeting actual new people after being diagnosed, also not a problem. A guy had been taking me out for drinks and I decided on the third date to tell him expecting the earth to shatter. He seemed confused as to what I thought the big deal was. He told me that he didn't care if I had herpes, and even if he'd never experienced any cold sores himself that still wouldn't change anything.
Not to be to explicit but since my diagnosis I've still been able to engage in casual sexual encounters, and develop meaningful relationships like anybody else. This virus doesn't rule my life, and the most difficult part of having it is the stigma. Your daughters life will continue as normal as possible, once the initial shock and anger has subsided. I'm here also if she would like to speak further, she's certainly not alone.
momof1 lauralo1001
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My 19 yo daughter was diagnosed with it 2 months ago and she is struggling with it very much! She keeps saying her life is ruined and no one will ever want her. Before her diagnosis, she struggled with anxiety and depression... for years.... and now this is making it all even worse. I don't know how to help her.. She sees a counselor, almost weekly, but her self esteem is so low. Do you have any advise on what I can say to her to let her know that her life is not over? That she can still find happiness? She says she feels gross and disgusting.. as a parent that is so hard to hear your child say about herself..
Moveebuff1953 momof1
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It's not easy to get your head around this diagnosis. All I can say is that it is not a life threatening illness & as time goes by it will get easier to accept & move on with your life. Yes it sucks but the stats show that there are so many ppl. that have it & some don't even know they have it. Your daughter is still young & has so much to experience in life. Yes this is quite a setback but with councelling & time she will learn to let it not take over her life....
Positive reinforcement & not dwelling on it has worked for my daughter. Yes there are days where she is furious with the guy who gave it to her but those are becoming less and less.
Stay positive and this will eventually fade from being front and center in your mind.
Sending positive thoughts...
Parent101 lauralo1001
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Hi. I'm a parent of a 20 year old. She was diagnosed two months ago with genital herpes. It's been an emotional roller coaster for me. I'm so worried for her. Your post has given me hope that one day she will find someone. Right now she is afraid to tell anyone in fear of rejection due to the stigma. She had a bad experience with the doctor who diagnosed her and she isn't interested in finding out the type. She is on the FB help group. My latest concern is I don't think she is being smart about having H and I try not to discuss it with her because it's too emotional for both of us. Any suggestions on how we both can move forward and accept this?
lily41905 lauralo1001
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Hey, I'm a 19 year old girl and found out i had herpes in january which obviously i was distraught about. It really affected my confidence and self-esteem and even made sleeping difficult as i thought it would affect my whole life. However, recently i have felt a lot better about it, i mean i can't always be sad about the situation, i need to get over it i guess. I even have had a few casual relationships but nothing serious enough to tell them about the herpes, i mean thats my biggest worry, what happens if they freak? I literally feel sick about the whole thing.
Moveebuff1953 lily41905
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Hi Lily....sorry that you have to go through this upsetting situation. The first few months are always the worst. A million things go through your mind. In my opinion do not tell anyone except your doctor. There is medication you can take if you feel an outbreak is coming. Give yourself some time to come to terms with this....it's not a death sentence...lief will go on.
lily41905 Moveebuff1953
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