My panic and anxiety has come back after 30 years. I have severe agoraphobia for 4 months.
Posted , 22 users are following.
It is like I am being tortured all day and most of the night. I just can't stand it anymore. I want to escape from it or run away from it but there is nowhere to go. I can't listen to music I can't watch TV I am never relaxed or feel tired. I started 25 mg of Surmontil almost 2 weeks ago and I take 4 mg if Ativan for 30 years. Please someone help. I need all the replies I can get. My Psychiatrist suggested shock treatments if I don't respond to Medication. Please I need all the replies I can get. I am s very strong person. My severely handicapped daughter died in my arms 6 years ago. I can't even go to work! I want my life back. But it seems to be going further and further away from me
I get these weird feelings and the physical manifestation of this depression is horrible. I just can't take the torture anymore. Someone HELP
5 likes, 378 replies
edwina97301 Guest
Posted
Hi. Babbs. Glad you got through the day and managed to spend it with your lovely family. My anxiety was actually worse when I stayed home all the time( looking back) , I just focussed on how awful I felt , so difficult when I couldn't motivate myself to even do my hair or makeup to even think about going out. I basically had to force myself with help of mum to go out, . I thought I felt safe staying at home, and 'I did' but I was getting more down and convincing myself I couldn't face doing anything or going anywhere. I remember feeling scared of everything but gradually day by day with repetition and willpower I didn't know I had it got slightly easier. So hard when in such a rut and feeling so down, talking really helped , finding others felt like this and it was ok to feel like this , I really thought I would go crazy before I spoke to others. Keep me updated Babbs, wish I could be more helpful but hopefully knowing people are behind you helps in some small way. I have a 60th birthday party to go to tomorrow, 80 people I don't know. Still my worst nightmare but I will go as my hubby misses out on so much , I know the thought of it is usually the worst and I can do it but still get so anxious, ' oh to be so called normal and actually look forward to things' , I shouldn't complain it's a far cry from how I used to be. Praying one day soon you feel much better Babbs.😊??
Guest edwina97301
Posted
Dear Edwina thank you for all of your support and always being there. The Surmontil is making me sleep better even though I have anxiety, night sweats and horrible night mares. I start each day hopeful only to have the anxiety come back full force all day. I don't know if my anxiety is worse on the Surmontil or I just think it is. I push myself to go out every day in my car but it really doesn't help or make me feel better. I feel so frustrated and stupid because I know there is nothing to be afraid of and I am scared of everything. It is so frustrating and the anxiety is so strong. I want to get better so badly...
edwina97301 Guest
Posted
Hi Babbs. Do you feel better in the evening? I used to feel hellish when I woke up probably bringing anxiety on as my irrational thoughts told me I felt anxious as soon as I woke and I silmply couldn't start the day on a positive note. I too felt safe going out in my car but if I was out surrounded by people it would overwhelm me. We all seem very similar here which is a comfort that we are not alone but also awful to think this awful anxiety can rule so many people's lives , . Hope your meds start to work soon, so you don't have the extra worry that they may be causing some of your anxiety, give them a little longer. Fingers crossed for you🤞🏻. Went to pals 60th party and guess what, I actually had a good time, really nervous , almost backed out but , was ok. It really is the projecting and racing thoughts that are so negative that put us of doing things. Hope you get over this soon and get some of your zest for life back, from what you say you have been a strong motivated person in the past , it's hardBabbs but believe you will get back there slowly but surely.😊??
Guest edwina97301
Posted
Hi Edwina, wow I can't believe you went to the party and had a good time! I can only manage going to my daughters house and I feel alot of anxiety there but I force myself to stay there always in the afternoon. The mornings are horrid. I do feel a little better in the evening I think because the day is over. I manage to watch some TV. The day is so long and the anxiety is so strong I just hate it. The only thing this pill seems to be doing is helping me sleep. My husband leaves by 6AM and doesn't get home until 8:00 so I am alone all day. I wish I could watch TV I don't know what to do with the time. I have been forcing myself to do a little food shopping now but I feel horrible. I realize how lucky I am especially after the life my angel beloved daughter had but it doesn't seem to help. I want to go back to work and babysit my grandchildren again but it seems so far away now. I fear Iam going to stay like this forever or get worse. I wish I could have people over but I can't. I am scared to leave the house yet I don't want to stay here. I can't listen to music. I was such a bubbly happy person before. It is so sad... I want to enjoy life again. Participate in it again...
edwina97301 Guest
Posted
HiBabbs. Everything soundscape so familiar, the way you describe how you feel, like evenings seem better as you know the day is over, I'm glad you are managing to get some sleep though. At my worst I found the days so long as well then I couldn't sleep and dreaded nights, lying there with racing thoughts. People told me to fill my day , watch to, listen to music etc but my mind wouldn't let me concentrate on anything but anxiety. So irrational but so real. I also wondered how I could ever get from feeling so bad to getting some kind of life back. Babbs, stick in there and keep forcing yourself to do those small things. One day something just seemed to click with me and I realised I felt slightly better, and gradually better still. As you know I am still aware I have to push myself but I'm thankful I'm not in such a hopeless place. How is your appetiteBabbs? Mine went and I couldn't face food but gradually came back also, such a frustrating time., physically and mentally. Hope you have a good evening and manage to watch some t.v or anything to take your mind off things, ..Hope tomorrow is better and you get some peace, 😊??
Guest edwina97301
Posted
Hi Edwina it is amazing how similar are symptoms are. I wish I could say I am feeling better but I don't. The anxiety is very strong and I get scared that I am just going to get crazier and crazier and never get better. I really am pushing myself to do things but it seems like I am acting. My old normal life seems so far away. I am going to have to up the Surmontil again. I hope itgets me better. I just hate feeling this way. I have no appetite but I force myself to eat. I hate being so scared all the time. I know it is ridiculous and irrational but it doesn't help knowing that. I feel so useless and this gift of life is being wasted. Did you have problems doing household chores? I just sit in this one chair looking out s picture window to my backyard . It is the only place I feel somewhat safe. But I hate sitting here and I push myself out of it to do things and then I go back in it. What did you do all day when you were really bad?
edwina97301 Guest
Posted
Hi Babbs. Sorry about late reply. Yet again I totally relate. Remember well how I didn't feel safe anywhere but at home, I would even find it hard to wash my hair, not a lazy person just a feeling of hopelessness and no energy. I would try to watch TV but like you couldn't really concentrate , I would tidy a little as I didn't want hubby to think I wasn't bothering taking care of the home while he was out working but I did the bare minimum. I really didn't start improving until I started getting out of the house just to break up the day and force myself to get ready, so hard in fact thought it would be impossible. Can you dis cuss your meds again , I don't like to rely on meds but when you are in such a rut you can't seem to get out of they are there for a reason and if something can relax you enough to get calm down and perhaps venture out more your mood may eventually lift with help and you will find you want to push yourself more. I found diazapam helped a little and my doc monitored it closely , until I had the right dose to calm me enough to do things. Realise everyone is different, now I take meds very rarely . Do think they can help when someone is suffering so badly and they could help through an extreme bad patch. Realise you are not tolerant with certain meds, would ask your doctor. Wish I could help more Babbs,. I've read a few other posts, people saying they have anxiety from waking, lasting all day, driving them mad. Wish we could just snap out of it. The worst part for me was definitely thinking 'how long can this go on for. It does pass Babbs, are you seeing a doctor anytime soon? Some reasurance would help, hope tomorrow is better, wish I could sit and talk to you all day and help to get you out and just keep your mind busy , would have loved to talk to somebody who understood when things where bad, speak soon Babbs, always here to talk, 😊??
Guest edwina97301
Posted
Hi Edwina, so nice to hear from you. I tried for Over 3 Months with no pills . But it didn't work. I saw my Psychiatrist yesterday and she is annoyed with me that I am not trying more things outside the house. I push myself out every day but it didn't make me feel better but I do it anyway. Everything is such a struggle. And the anxiety makes me so aware that I am not well. I hate it. At least the surmontil is helping me sleep. It might not be a good sleep but it is sleep. Before I wasn't getting any sleep. God bless you for helping me... I can't wait for this nightmare to be over.
edwina97301 Guest
Posted
HiBabbs. You're right, nightmare is the right word. But glad you are getting some sleep, that was the worst for me, long days wondering if I would ever get better but even longer nights as I couldn't sleep and my racing thoughts were awful telling me all kinds of negative stuff. So glad I get some sleep now and am more positive. Stick in there Babbs and I hope very soon you will get to a better place again . It is possible but 'bleeping' hard work, keep pushing yourself and get others to push you ' horrid when you feel terrible but it's the only way to conquer this horrible anxiety trying to beat us, hoping every day you post saying you feel a little better, talk soon and keep talking to your lovely family, it really helps to talk. I always bottled things up and didn't want to bother people but was such a relief to tell people how I felt. Do you have any helplines where you are where you can just chat or in uk we have places to pop in and chat with volunteers who have experience with mental health issues, ? Keep me posted Babbs, praying you feel better soon🤞🏻😊??
Guest edwina97301
Posted
Hi Edwina I so look forward to our "chats" . I saw my Psychiatrist yesterday and he promised the anxiety would go away with the antidepressant. I have to make it higher tonight. The bleeping anxiety is so strong right now I just can't stand it. Like you said I am pushing myself as best I can. He said walks are one of the best things for anxiety . He should try going for a walk with this anxiety gnawing away. It is so hard to get anything done with the anxiety. I hope he is right. My God I would do anything to get my life back.. My sleep is full of horrid anxiety dreams but I is sleep none the less.... I have no choice but to wake up every day is go through this torture. Nothing makes me feel better....
edwina97301 Guest
Posted
Hi Babbs. Try and take reasurance from your phychiatrist telling you to up your meds and this will eventually pass. I too didn't believe anyone, including doctors when they told me it would eventually get better. I thought everyone didn't understand how bad I felt. I didn't believe I could feel so bad and actually ever feel better. When it's so bad Babbs we can't be positive at all. We are looking in and looking from outside we can see you getting better, l also look forward to you posting me, so much want you to feel better and beat anxiety, you sound as though you have had to be very strong in the past and please believe you have the strength to get through this and have good times again. I understand so much how bad it feels , never ending, and makes us feel so desperate . Are you reading other similar posts Babbs. It helps me to know I'm not the only one who feels like this , though I would not wish this on anyone, as they say' yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery and today is the present, and the present is a gift, take one day at a time Babbs and i pray it gets easier day by day, speak soon, 🤞🏻😊??
Guest edwina97301
Posted
Hi Edwina, it is just I am always aware that I am not normal. I haven't had a day in 5 Months where I felt normal. I just hate Feeling terrible like this
I want to get better so badly. .. I have been reading other posts but it just makes me sad That so many people are suffering...
edwina97301 Guest
Posted
HiBabbs. You are normal, I know what you mean as this feeling is definitely not normal. You are ill but you can get better, I know it's hard to believe, especially as you have felt so bad for such a ling time. I also feel sad that this horrid anxiety is making so many people so miserable but I am so glad people can connect here and not feel as alone. Years ago when we didn't have mobile phones and internet I felt like the loneliest person in the world not realising others out there felt as I did and would understand and perhaps reasure me. My heart goes out to you, and others, this waiting game is so cruel, I have faith though things will improve, upping your meds hopefully will help, keep trying to push through Babbs , know its difficult, I just wanted someone to take the awful dread away, it was relentless. You will get there, seems easy for me to say but I do believe it as I went from feeling hopeless to having hope and wanting to enjoy life. I never enjoyed life( endured it) dreaded such long days. Now I look forward to little things I do. I know you'll get this back Babbs. Keep fighting, always here for you.😊????
Guest edwina97301
Posted
edwina97301 Guest
Posted
Still out here Babbs. Sorry you had a bad night, hope your upped meds start to make you feel better soon. Know meds can take a while to settle, awful that they can make us feel worse before they help us feel better, just makes our anxiety worse if that is possible. I hear this so much on this forum. So many people worried sick about meds not helping and it's such a long wait for them to kick in when anxiety is already worrying the life out of them. Thankyou Babbs for your kind words, though really I just have such empathy for people with this horrid illness, I wish I could make this go away for you Babbs as I know how rotten it is. I was thinking today how I felt at my worst and I just wanted a hug and someone to tell me I would feel better straight away, but like any illness it takes time and takes its toll not us. Know you are fed up now Babbs but hang in there. Lots of people when they feel better don't feel the need to keep posting here, wish they would do that people still having a bad time can take comfort that people who posted feeling desperate now have made great progress. Always here Babbs, you know that. Hope you sleep better tonight, hopefully it was just anxiety about upping your meds and you'll get back to sleeping better. Fingers crossed. 😴 Speak soon, 😊??
Guest edwina97301
Posted
Hi Edwina, you are right thank God for this forum and thank God for you . Every day is such a struggle. And I never know when it is going to hit me or what is going to hit me. I haven't had a normal day in 5 Months. I don't know what is worse the extreme anxiety, the fear of leaving the house, the weird scary panic feelings of terror that I get awake and asleep. Please dear God make this medicine be the way out. I was always the strong one, never panicked, always cool and calm. I was everyone's hero. Now I am a slave to this horrible illness. You just have to go with it. I push myself out every day but I feel awful doing it and I feel awful at home. I don't want to waste another day with this illness. But there is nothing I can do but wait. I watch the clock all day because each minute each hour is some form of anxiety. Oh my God what I would give to get some relief on s steady basis. To live every day like before...
edwina97301 Guest
Posted
Hi Babbs. It will pass. It has to, I didn't believe I would ever get any peace of mind, I remember crying to my mum telling her I didn't have a life, she reasured me as always it would get better but I just thought 'she's my mum she has to reasure me' but I couldn't see myself ever feeling better, not long after I started to feel a little better, then better still, seemed a lifetime of misery at the time. Definitely agree I didn't know what was worse, waking with absolute dread, feeling awful or trying to fill the day with my head full of awful images and thoughts or the feeling I would never function properly again? . I can't actually believe I was so bad, and what misery it was and that one day it started to lift a little. You know I'm praying you for you, as you say you have always been strong, this really does take over, but with help you can beat it. I have just read Betsys post( think it was Betsy). She also seems in an awful place, can't imagine having to work when feeling so bad. Her meds have been upped , and seeing a councillor soon, 'horrible illness ' hope she feels better, seems she cannot sleep either, really relate to so many out here, . Hope you sleep Babbs, you know I'm here, anytime, 😊??
Guest edwina97301
Posted
Hi dear friend Edwina, I got a better night sleep last night but it was still filled with anxiety Night mares. I feel so groggy and scared in the morning. I wish I could just enjoy being home in my house. But the anxiety has me feeling like I have to do something or get out of here even though I am scared to go. Truly the days are so long. I pushed myself to get out this morning and see my beautiful granddaughters. Gabs the 4 year old had dance class. She was so happy to see me there and I felt so dizzy and nervous . The little almost 2 year old was watching her dance also. Unfortunately because of this horrible illness I can't watch them and my son in law planned a beautiful weekend for my daughter in Manhattan and my ex is watching them so now I don't know what to do with my time. Why does this I'll Ness make us feel so terrible? I want it to go away and I want my life back...
edwina97301 Guest
Posted
Hi. Babbs you will get your life back. So glad you slept, sadly nightmares keeps in but a step in the right direction, and getting out for your grandchildren if not for yourself. Know how much it takes for you to see them. Give yourself credit Babbs you are a lovely person for pushing yourself to see them when you feel so bad. You are stronger than you think,. you will have plenty of time to spend with your family when you feel better but I'm so glad you are pushing yourself, it's just a horrible waiting game now but hope soon you will feel much better and get the happiness back you deserve. I still feel that niggling agitated feeling now and again and really have to push myself through it. I read a lot of posts yesterday Babbs , I like you go from hating reading that so many people are going through this nightmare to wanting to show support and hope and just so glad people can talk here. Glad we are able to talk Babbs. I'll pray those nightmares go away for you, and you get a peaceful nights sleep. I always felt if I could get some sleep I had made a little progress and there was light at the end of the tunnel. Always here for you Babbs😊??
Guest edwina97301
Posted
Hi dearest Edwina, thank you, thank you thank you for being there for me. Our chats mean more to me than you know. It seems like parts of me are getting better but other parts no. Damn anxiety just won't let go. Really thank God for my grandchildren they are what keep me going. I want to get better more for them than myself... somewhere deep inside I know I will get better but when? I just went out for a short walk I had to get out of the house and I am so dizzy. I hope these pills work I want my life back...they say these walks are supposed to make you feel better. They should try it Feeling like this...
edwina97301 Guest
Posted
I know Babbs, I always felt like saying to people if they had this kind of anxiety they would understand how difficult things are that seem rediculously easy to them. But really wouldn't wish this on anyone. People just can't understand how anxiety can make you feel so bad, . I often felt as though I just constantly complained and annoyed everybody. People tell me now they just didn't know what to say to make things better so it came across as though they weren't interested, just the opposite, they wanted to help but couldn't. Wish I could help you get better Babbs, hope I can help a little by supporting you on this tough journey. Glad you got out, I used to stand in my back garden taking deep breaths and talking to my hubbys fish in the pond, god knows what my neighbours thought, 🐟, who cares, whatever helps? , sleep well Babbs🤞🏻( don't know what time it is there, I'm guessing about5pm, in U.K. Its10pm , I stay up watching tv till late so I sleep and keep my thoughts from racing, I've even watched shopping channel, could grout a bathroom or talk about chopping vegetables all day long🙄. 😊??
Guest edwina97301
Posted
Oh dear sweet Edwina, thank you for your words of encouragement. I just hate Feeling like this. I get so many different symptoms.... Horrible. Just when I was feeling stronger yesterday I got out and walked two times and I got dizzy. The anxiety tries everything it can to stop me from living and to stop me from a peaceful sleep. I just hate Living like this on the edge. I can't handle any loud sounds either . I refuse to give up but my God this is hell. When will I find peace. I think of little things to do every day to get out of the house and make the day go faster... what a waste...
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Guest
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Dear Edwina, no matter who I talk to I still have to go through this alone. I am feeling the suffering I am sleeping with night terrors. I have to face every morning and every night...you are right. People who have not experienced this don't work what to say...and I find the therapist's are even worse. It is like if you haven't made any strides from week to week they are failing. What a long cruel waiting game this is hoping for that medicine to work and hoping it is the right one...God bless you again and again for your kindness...