So much going on, feels so strange.

Posted , 5 users are following.

i only joined last week, was it last week? Yes think so. Lots of nice people, Jake said he finds it helps him to write, I finding the same thing, need to write now, no one to talk to.

strange few days, depression no change, physical health bad, not ate for 24 hours, feel strange, detached, like I'm looking at the world but doesn't feel real. Anxiety not good, went to dentist Thursday, spent two days replaying in my head everything i said and did during the appointment, certain my dentist was looking at me like I was a freak or just weird, keep rerunning everything, all my actions, every word. Wish my mind had an off switch. Worn out through that and my heart keeps racing.

dixcoverdd a couple of days ago I have border line personality disorder, seems i may have had it since a child, explains a lot, maybe I'm not evil after all like people said I am, reading th info I was given on feels like reading the story of my life. 

My my cat has died, had him for 10 years, also discovered my friend from school days has killed herself with a heroin overdose. Keep thinking how happy she was at school, always giggling and laughing, what went wrong? Guess she grew up, now I know why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up, sorry rambling now.

for the first time I decided to try and take back some control of me, booked a hotel room for January. Got a 79% price cut on it, pay later and I can cancel without paying anything or losing money. Means I got 3 months to see how life goes. Maybe my physical and mental health will improve, maybe I will wake up one day and think life is wonderful, do miracles happen?? Not with my luck but who knows.

Didnt book for breakfast not really much point. So many things to consider, like if my life and health gets worse and the hotel plan follows through so many people to consider. Do you leave a tip and an apology for the hotel staff for ruining their day? Should I go out wearing my Winnie the Pooh pyjamas to maybe give the emergency services something to smile at? Rambling again I thin sorry.

not scared of death but don't want to die alone. Was planning or thinking of being on the phone to the samaritans as I died but keep thinking it would be cruel of me to do that to someone, make them listen to me die.  So I guess that is a no. Need to find some nice music instead.

Guess ss the reason for January is to give the elderly relative one last christmas, he loves christmas, I hate it.  A time for families and children, without them christmas is pretty hollow. Hell, even thinking back to family Christmases years ago it was fake. Spending christmas with people who for 364 days you hate and ignore and for one day you pretend to be happy and smile at them while secretly hoping they choke on their Turkey.  Have discussed things with him, told him if police come he has to deny knowing of my plans and deny knowing I had the means for my end. Unless he wants to spend his final twilight years in jail.

told me he will be fine on his own, he likes his own company, might miss me but he will get by. Said he wants to live forever. God how did he get so sic kingly cheerful. Maybe that ECT he had when young, maybe a good zap of electricity is what I need, worked for him. Left him lists such as bank details, funeral plans, where to buy the ham, how to work the tv remote, little things.

have printed out my email communications from my suicide comtact, he warned me to delete all correspondance but I figure if I do go ahead I don't want to leave loose ends, make the polices job easier if they know where and how. Besides I don't think the police are going to be hopping onto a plane to Beijing to track down my contact.

had a phone call from that euthanasia forum in Oz, don't know if I can say the name, begins with an E. Got kicked off their forum, seems they took exception to me trying to talk their members out of suicicde. Just find it weird that people post updates on the day they intend to die and people are online wishing them good luck. Me I was trying to stop them but that didn't go down to well with the death ghouls on there. Tell you it's a freaky place that site. Made contact with three people spoke with them, spoke a few times with them, convincing them how wonderful life was hope they reconsidered. Weird really, can't save myself, but will try and stop others. Didn't even refund me my membership fee.

sorry to ramble on, think I need to try and damp down my anxiety I am feeling now and take some pain meds as well.

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  • Posted

    Hi, writing can make you feel better but i hope that your not planning your suicide. We have spoke here before and i am always willing to listen. I feel sad reading your post and thou i don't know you personally i would be devastated if you died. Keep with this forum and we can support you. Jake and Hypercat and myself care that's 3 of us. Please keep writing down your feelings, don't give up. A big hug to you Elizabeth xx
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    • Posted

      Hi Elizabeth and thank you, I really do like it here. Writing things down here makes me feel like I got people to talk to for the first time in my life. Just made the booking for if I decide to make that leap. Hoping I wont, hoping things somehow will get better not worse between now and January but strangely feel at peace now either way.

      miss my little cat, he died in my arms, just buried him now and put a marker down. Will keep writing, wish this anxiety would ease up, feels like something awful is going to happen and my heart is hammering away. It feels exactly like what you get when your really scared but it never goes.

      thank you for caring. Someone suggested to me Valium for my anxiety and depression so maybe see if a chemist has some.

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    • Posted

      Hi, I am sorry about your cat he sounded like he was good company for you. Valium can only be got on prescription and it is addictive, thou there are other meds you can get, i take Citalopram and they have helped with my anxiety. I don't like meds but they take the edge off, only take 10mg for that reason. Please see your GP and explain how you feel. Take care xx
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  • Posted

    Elves going through what you did with your cat is terrible and no wonder you are distraught!  Anyone would be - what an awful experience.   

    As far as families go they often say things they don't really mean in my experience.  Maybe they don't know how to deal with you and your feelings and think saying something dreadful like that will make you 'pull yourself together'.  It doesn't work that way though does it?  And believe me I do know what I am talking about.  But when push comes to shove most families stick together even ones as dysfunctional as mine (and yours?).  

    As I and other have said stick with us here.  I promise you we will never get sick of you or tell you to go away.  We are all there or have been where you are and we will help all we can.  Lots of hugs.  xxx

     

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    • Posted

      Hi hyper, think my family were pretty genuine in what they said. When they take the trouble to have a wreath sent to your house then you tend to take it personal and when your brother phones up and says he hates you so much and then says exactly what he would like to do with a carving knife. I cannot blame them really, I killed their/ our mother.

      when push comes to shove my family would more likely give you a shove and they won't help at all. My brother used to attack me at home, nine years older than me and a lot stronger, he only stopped when I nearly killed him. You hear people say during trials that they don't remember picking up a knife or a weapon and attacking someone, well it's true. I was 16 when one day he started laying into me and next thing I knew he was fighting to get a knife off me. Still scares me how close i came to killing him that day and I still, all these years later have no memory of picking it up.

      a few months ago i confronted my cousin over abuse and his father rang back and told me if I ever mentioned those lies to anyone he wouldn't be responsible if I was hurt by his son.

      even when I confided in family about my self harm years ago they all got together and had a really good laugh. My sister then sent me a Christmas card and wrote on the envelope " the madhouse".

      feeling really bad today, my physical illness flared up last night and has really overwhelmed me with the pain and everything today. Keep thinking how people say that others would miss you if they you gone and decided to put it to the test this morning.

      poured the bottle of liquid into a glass, left the bottle and packaging with it by my bed. Elderly relative came up with a cup of tea, left it alongside, looked at the stuff and announced he was going to the shops. I still don't know what to make of his reaction. I know he said he wouldn't miss me if I were not around but didn't think he meant it.

      in too much pain at minute to really think straight and trying hard to keep it together and not cry because that will only ramp up my pain and anxiety. Will stick around on here, thanks for making me feel welcome hyper and everyone else on here.

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    • Posted

      Miss my cat so much, I could always rely on him for a hug, ok a one sided hug with him giving me a look saying, I can't breathe stop squeezing. But still felt good.
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  • Posted

    Oh Elves you sound such a lovely genuine person and all I want to do is give you the biggest hug in the world.   It is NOT your fault your mum died - how could it be?  You didn't ask to be born.  Maybe your dad couldn't keep it in his trousers even though he knew your mother might have problems giving birth.  

    Your family do sound absolutely awful treating you so badly.  Don't give them the satisfaction of killing yourself.  Say to yourself every day when you wake up 'Well I am still here your barstewards,  so go suck it'.  I would stick around just to annoy them lol.   And it would really upset them to see you happy wouldn't it?  Especially when they are all so consumed by hatred...so don't give in to them.  Focus on yourself and carry on being the better person.  I really believe one day you will be happy and that would really stick in their craw wouldn't it?  Ha ha xx 

     

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    • Posted

      Thank you hyper, you hit the nail on the head, I am only still here because i knows it annoys them and haven't yet given them the satisfaction.

      your also partially right about my dad, only reason she ended up with me is because she went to a party without him so he got her pregnant as revenge. 

      Would be nice to be healthy and happy one day.

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    • Posted

      So it's your dads fault not yours Elves isn't it?  Absolve yourself of any blame and put it where it belongs.  His act of revenge was nothing to do with you per se was it?  

      You will be healthy and happy one day sweetheart - just stop that guilt and keep on annoying the idiots smile  xx

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    • Posted

      Thank you Hyper, will keep going and see how things work out in the next few months. The thought of being a constant irritant to my family is rather satisfying, I like the thought of being an annoyance. xx

       

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