Those who know first hand please help me!!

Hi people, John boy, Mrs J, ja and Lou. How are you all?

I have just read some, not all of your postings, I understand exactly how you feel...my query for me is....are we all striving to be perfect??? Then we get the guilt stick out for not, beat ourselves up about it, loose our self esteem, start worrying about all kind of things, start to have panic attacks, as we are worrying so so much . Then fall apart, because you don't really know what is happening to you!! Then you get a headache, which blinds you and makes you feel sick!

John boy , you could ask the doc for something else.... but maybe it is the case that we all over analyse the given information on the warning leaflet because we are alll over anxious and depressed, and we all anxiously want to get better-not sicker , as the side effects would suugest!!! Would anyone agree with me?

Hi Katy

...its like i want to be perfect...at everything but when im not i feel i failed and i think that im worthless, not good enough.

Im my own worst critic, judge and jury.

What is anxious?....What is anxiety because its the one thing im not sure i am....the only time i feel a struggle to breath is when im argueing and feel like i need to run away.

I did once....left for 6 months and then came home but when i got hoem things were so much worse coz id seen so much and then it was liek being thrown back into this false pretetios world. Its not like this outside england.

How you feeling Katy? Do you feel down everyday? Does anything in particular start it?

Hi John boy, yes! Ithink when you say you have failed at something, which you probably have not, you attack yourself. I think, this is in itself is an anxiety, a fear of not making the A grades etc. Have you ever failed at anything?

Me, I feel down a lot. Sometimes due to my degree result, sometimes due to my family circumstance, sometimes because not unlike you I think I have not made the grade or shown the world what I can do. Then, for me I become withdrawn, do not want to speak to anyone, hide bla bla.

This summer for instance, I sat my maths exam again, convinced myself that I had failed , to the point where I threw up. When I got my results I was so shocked to find that I had got an A, however, I was so low at that point that It did not make a jot of difference, whereas , normally someything like that would make me happy. ( idid think my Mum was going to die at this point though, and if she was going to recover, the likelihood of her having a breakdown again was high_ So I was v worried for her) As it turns out, she is okay, and it is me that seems to be loosing it completely!

Anyway, whether or not this makes any sense, I think its all aprt of that swinging pendulum, where we go from worry to anxious to depresed to worry to more depression etc, then not unlike what you all habe described battle with our snses to keep our sanity. I found myself snapping and shouting and then crying etc, as i was not myself.

Hope I have helped. What a mess though, don't you think?

Take care John boey and all you others, katy

this all started for me when i bought my 1st flat i would say, I am 31 now, we got it 7 years ago, everything was fine, then my wife broke my trust which really hurt me, unfortunately she done this several times (not cheating though) it was finnancial. This is when i changed, i couldnt trust her and it made me want to control this and make them better, everything had to be going well and right, which steadily got worse and worse over the years, she did admit that she created the Frankenstein that i had became, but i still treated her to anything and the kids, they never went without a thing, enough of my life story, sorry. I do honestly think that those events triggered it, i find it so hard that i will never get back what i lost and blame myself saying that \"its only money\", my ocd used to extend so far that i would always being checking the account, daily , as i couldnt trust her, i could never forgive the lies. More the betrayls , the worse i became with the depression and moods, she could never understand why i was so unhappy, i would explain and she would say just go then if u dont like it, i really am waffling now. AS for my moods recently, i would say that i sometimes i get low where i want to cry but the tears just wont come, sometimes that worse as a good cry is relieves the pain, the citalopram takes away the emotion i believe. At the moment as im back at my parents ilisten to a lot of music which can help but can also upset me as they remind me of things, as for joining a group , ireally want to do this, sometimes i feel positive and get the urge, but other times i just sit in the chair and cannot be bothered, i feel its too early that i should be moving on and that if i was to get friendly with a women that i would be cheating in my wife, and more importantly i would never want to hurt anyone. im feeling quite low today, i shouldnt , i have my kids all weekend which is lovely, we are going to the park on sunday and going to have a good walk, on sat we are going for breakfast and making a sponge in afternoon, it all feels so false though , not like their real dad anymore, i know i am, but i feel like a macdonalds daddy, its the 1st time in their lives that i have spent more than 1 day apart from them, when i see my boy recently , his hair looked longer, it was only 1 week but he looked different, sorry everyone for going on, just one of those days. One thing i am going to get this weekend is a laptop so i can log on at home , at the moment i can only do this at work. John, Lou, Katy, why has the curse struck us? we all sound nice kind people, why us, will this curse be with us for life???? take care everyone JA

Hi, Ja, Im sitting in darkness, as i do no want my partner to know that I am back on this site.

I totally understand how you must be feeling, I live with my partner and I feel like he controls me so much that I have no control. I find this so disturbing that i find it difficult to eat.

He plays at being the perfect daddy, and do not get me wrong he is a fantastic dad, but maybe I would like to be considered a little bit more in family life!! I cant leave him, nor do I really want to at the moment, but I just feel , well I suppose, used!

My partner has never managed to change his career since the day we )and that should be underlined) fell pregnant! I feel like I have to do everything. I am applying for post grads, a couple , I do not have the time to waist! We need money, My kids are getting older.

I do not know about your circumstances, the problem for me is that I think I still love my partner , even though there is no affection.

Not unlike your ex wife though, I increased our overdarft, and by the blink of an eye its up high!! This was not deliberate, I do not see it as a betrayal of my partners wishes. We have lived in poverty for so long that I just wanted some comfort. Like a couch to sit on , or a pair of shoes for my child. I see it , that I will fix it. He says, that it is all my problem anyway. I diregard this, for I am trying to pay for a better life for my children. It is too short to comprimise so much, especially for them I do not know if this helps you understand your wifes actions better. But even if my partner does not pull through, I know I will. Its not fair that my children should have to suffer because he is so horizontal! Then again, I am probably the most uptight person you could possibly meet!

on the other side, ny parents divorced when I was elevn. Life was tortire for me and my sister when they were togeher. But i missed my dad a lot when he went , as your kids will miss you, but with effort me and my dad have become really good friends, and I can turn to him, moreso than anyone else. I hope that makes you feel a little bit better. Remeber, even though your not around them 24/7, no matter what, you will always be there dad. Remeber that you always will be though. Sometimes, it seems to me that my dad forgets and tells me a little too musch, but I n a way thats a good thing too.

Hope I have helped. Your children are there for life, no matter what!

Luv katy. Maybe I shpuld listen to my own advice!

Hi Katy, how r u feeling, any improvements, hope so, I went out last night for a do and got absolutely hammered, felt great at time, no worries etc, but today I am on a massive downer, also havent taken my tablets, dont if its them but feel quite shaky and nervous today, i know its the drink but feel dreadful today, also met someone and going out for a drink , feel so guilty , dont know why but this deepening my feelings. i havent always felt like this after a big drink only the last couple of years, hope you are ok, any improvement ?? take care JA

Hii Ja, sorry I have taken so long to get back in touch.

I ve had a tough day today. I only had 2 hrs sleep again and coming down with some sort of yucky bug.

So you are on a downer..not so good...dont worry... it will pass! I have been a goody toe shoes lately, as the doctor has warned me about my drinking...( its not fair!) Half the time, I just want to blot everything out!!

Nevermind...cups of tea and insomnia !!!! |Thats my life at the moment! I think Id rather be hungover, but not unlike you my hangovers started to make me on edge too and nervous.

So ..you have a date..huh? Good luck, enjoy and spoil her.. Hope she is as good to you. :lol:

Anyway, back to mayhem, take care, Katy

Hi JA, hope you are feeling better today? Hope you have taken your little pill?

Im not so good. I have a bug and it is making me feel really down.

I am supposed to be applying for that gttr thing, for primary teaching. I keep loosing the web pages....I only have 2 days left to get all the stuff in, in a bit of a state about it!

I asked my step dad for a rederence. This did not go down well either. Mum asked me, \"so what have you achieved in the last 5 years, then Katy?\".

So heres me looking at my 2 children, and the fact i worked part time for 4 years, and the fact that I sat My maths last year and got an A, and the fact that my older sister stayed with us for a year and a half while she did her pgde, bla bla bla, ( So that was not enough!)

So my reply was \"Nothing\" Mum, \"nothing\".

Is she just trying to push me harder, or what ? I just felt so gutted, yet I still have to finish this rubbish application. Yeah, and lets look at the fact, that I probably want get in to any of them....but god, ...at least I try!

Anyway, hope you are over your night out. Its good that you were out socialising!

anyway, enough of mooaaannyyy me, take care, Katy(Sorry, just had to let all that out!)

Hi Katy, you really sound that you are making and have made an effort, well done, do your application , what have you got to lose, you got an A in maths, better than me, at least you are trying to better what you have and not drifting along. Your mum may have been angry , we all say things we dont mean when angry, deep down im sure she is proud, do that form and keep trying, as i said, one thing good will happen soon and this will give you a spark, if you are down just blurt it out on here, it helps me, do that form.

Must be the day for it, im feeling like s**t today, so regret the other night, feel guilty etc, drove to work this morning on auto pilot thinking of my old life and getting more down, sometime i think i will never stop missing my old life, know im stuck in a situation at work, last thing i need is an issue at work, only thing thats good at the moment, what a mess, i just want to be normal again, after this weekend i only have my kids for 2 full days before xmas day, cant stand the thought of that, i miss them so so much, dont want the single freedom, just want my kids back, sorry for going on, i know u have got your own probs, oh yeah took my pills , take care and do the application JA

:roll: That form was a nightmare!

My personal statement....was...a.bag of s...t! I lost it so many times on the web....pain in the neck!!!

Sorry to hear you are missing your children. What are you getting them for xmas? I am getting my eldest a mobile phone...have your kids got them yet...?.

You need to look forward. Look forward to seeing them at christmas, and make it special for them. I am sure they will miss you to, but I suppose, like myself, we all just have to make the most of a bad situation. I know it doesn't change things, and you will still get down..but I suppose, thats what we have to do...make the most of what we've got. i reckon,, that although we all get realy low about stuff, there is always someone so much worse of! I dont know what you are going through at the moment, but you have to keep going for their sake!

Does that all sound patreunising, ...sorry I can't spell. I just hope you can keep your chim up about things...its difficult...but hopefully we will all get out of our cages, and be happy again..one day soon.

Glad to hear you took your pill!

Take care, Katy

Good luck with the application, how long is it b4 you hear? dont know what im getting the kids, my boy is 4 , so probably more toys,transformers and my daugher is 10 next week, she wants clothes and computer games, she does want a mobile, not sure if she is responsible enough yet. Just dreading xmas and new year, got them xmas day, thats it, i know i should enjoy the time i do have with them but it is just so hard to accpet, alot of people say i will get used to it and it is raw at the moment, but i will never get used to not having my kids full time, i even feel guilty about enjoying myself without them, i want to br happy again but without them there will always be something missing in my life, let me know how u get on, JA

Ja, I am sorry. I dont know the right thing to say to you. All I can think to say, is just make sure you know that your children know that you will always be there for them. But as for that raw hurting feeling, I dont know what you can do, I dont know what the correct thing to say is. I could come out with the old cliche\" time is a healer\" and all that jazz. In your case, this may be possible.

My dad, for instance threw himself at his career, when he split up with my mum. Then he had several girlfriends, and eventually he remarried and now seems quite happy.

I think though, like me, you probably over analyse the situation and worry, worry , worry! Maybe you could book a holiday or something, 2 weeks abroad with your children, Give yourself time with them, and give yourself something to look forward to.

You are probably braver than me, I cant handle the victorian abuse I have to put up in my relationship. (just because my feet are small, does not mean that they have to be strapped to the kitchen sink0does it?). I just dont know what to do about my situation, but I also cant handle the thought of hurting anyone, let alone my kids. Sometimes though, needs must and you have to act in the best interests of your children. Sorry Ja, I am at a loss here, but pls keep your chin up and doddle along!

Katy

:? Morning...I wish I had stayed in bed!!!

My partner has got my hackles up!!!

If you were offered a free holiday abroad...would you take it?

(Well I know what my answer would be). Well, there is no such thing as a straight line in my life..

My application has got stuck in the system...14hrs to go before deadline....bloddy typical!!!!Och well, it was rubbish...perhaps its a blessing? Or just my luck!!!!Nearly threw computer out of window...hate the thing...it keeps crashing!!!!

I am in an awful mood....and I have to meet me mum, yet again today....its nearly everyday...I am not allowed to make my own life! I want to go and visit some of my friends....get some juicy goss...bla bla bla...no..np. Sorry, this does not make me feel like a nice person...droaning on about that stuff....when really I should just count my blessings and be glad that she is still with us. (I love her!)...Need some space though...let me breathe!

Too right i would take a holiday, now until Jan 1st, seriously i hope your application goes well, u r like me ,always think the worse is going to happen, sometimes it doesnt so fingers crossed. Totally understand about needing space, doing me in at my parents, but got no real alternative and they do mean well, but it makes feel worse about my situation. Contacted my ex last night, had a argument over kids which really peed me off all last night, had to contact her this morning regarding this months money and she was as good as gold, also signed divorce papers, glad things are moving now but part of me is sad, sometimes its easier to deal with when im angry.

I spoke to my counsellor about my mum and my relationship, our mums are probably hurting like us seeing their babies going through this, i try not to bite m easier said than done, but when calm u do realise that they mean the best and that they have your interest at heart, do need space though, good luck with your application, let us know how it went, JA

OH its a bad week- hows everyone else doing?

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