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Tinnitus driving me to suicide

Posted , 38 users are following.

shabs40533
shabs40533

I fell pregnant in Sept 2014 (unplanned).  I didn't want more kids as I had a bad experience after my son was born 9 years ago.  I had dizziness, feeling of sleeping and never waking up again, panic attacks etc.  I took a long time to recover.  So when I feel pregnant (after 9 years) my husband told my son he is going to be a big brother and he got so excited and I didnt have the heart to abort the pregnancy as I saw how happy he was.  I was scared to go through with it considering how it was when my son was born but decided to do it anyway for the sake of my son.  In November 2014 I had a feeling in my right ear that I was losing my hearing so I made an appointment with an ENT.  He did tests but never told me my hearing in my right ear was bad, he just kept quiet.  I was so stupid and didnt even ask him what the tests showed.  He just gave me drops to put in my ear.  I went home and put the drops one day and the next day I would put olive oil and kept this going for a week.  However I felt this blockage was getting worse but didnt think anything about it.  I had tinnitus in my right ear previous to this for about 2 years.  It wasnt something I even noticed because it only happened at work when I was stressed but other than that I never noticed it so I didnt worry too much.  At the end of Dec 2014 I woke up one morning with this terrible noise in my right ear which scared the sh*t out of me.  I was so scared you would not believe it.  I also had this fullness in my right ear as if someone stuffed cotton wool in it.  I thought it would go away but a week later it was still there only this time I had a noise in the centre of my head by my nose, a different static sound.  I was getting more scared by this time.  Then at the beginning of Jan 2015 I had a miscarriage.  The noise however still remained.  I then went for an MRI and CT scan at the end of January 2015, all clear.  I then did blood tests, all clear.  I then went for a CT Angiogram and was told there is a narrow blood vessel at the back of my head on the right side but that they are not sure if this is causing the noise.  I was advised to "just live with it" as they could not put a stent in as there is a huge risk of a stroke.  My doctor then called me in and said that it "could" be tinnitus and there is nothing they can do about it.  I have been depressed since that day.  Its almost 7 months now and I cry so often as I miss my "normal" life when I didn't have this freaking thing !!  I am so suicidal and I don't know what to do.  I almost jumped off the building today where I work but I keep thinking about my son.  If it wasn't for him I would be dead right now.  How do I cope and live with this forever.  What if I live until a 100 years old, OMG, how will I manage with it until I die.  I don't think I can do this.  I am so depressed and yes I saw a psychiatrist and a psychologist and 4 different ENT doctors, GP's, Audiologists etc etc.  I am so sick and tired of doctors, hospitals etc.  My life has been and is still hell for the last 7 months.  I cannot sleep like I used to.  I used to sleep "like dead". Now when I wake up at 3am I cannot get back to sleep like I used to.  To top it all off I moved to a new house in Sept 2014 and I am homesick for my old house as there I was healthy with no tinnitus and happy.  Now I am miserable in a home I hate.  PLEASE PLEASE anyone help me.  What must I do to cope ? 

9 likes, 108 replies

108 Replies

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  • Moo88
    Moo88 shabs40533

    Posted

    Hi Shabina I suffer from tinnitus currently I should of been 12 weeks pregnant but I found out there was no heartbeat yesterday. Anyway since becoming pregnant I have had tinnitus that lasted a week or so then stopped for 2 weeks(could not hear it) and now its back again the past few days. I suffered the same with my first child I was so unwell because of it crying in the audiology department and doctors and the tinnitus was really bad I would hear various sounds and it would be so loud I couldn't hear properly or sounds would sound distorted. This went on for around 18 months after the birth then one day I felt stronger and happy and it just stopped and for 2 years up until getting pregnant again I could not hear it. I would sometimes notice it when I had a cold but in general It had gone(was so low I habituated basically) I could live life normally and sleep with no sounds if I wanted and I would go anywhere I wanted like the cinema but I would use a filtered ear plug to protect my hearing I have( deaf in one ear already). Although its really loud at the moment I know its from pregnancy and I have been remaining strong because I know how bad I felt before and I came through it and had 2 years of silence. I live in hope it gets back to that. Yours will to but you do have to be strong and keep going never give up hope that it will go so quiet you will no longer notice it and even if you did it wouldn't be in every environment x
    • shabs40533
      shabs40533 Moo88

      Posted

      Thank you.  Sorry to hear about your pregnancy.  I can relate as mine was the same but at 16 weeks.  I am so glad yours went away after your first pregnancy.  I wish and hope mine goes away too.  I only developed Tinnitus when my son was 7 years old but it was so mild that I didn't even notice it.  During my second pregnancy (which ended at 4 months) I woke up one morning with severe Tinnitus and since then it hasn't left me.  I have been through hell and back trying to find out what was wrong with me and eventually this year in June it was confirmed that I had Tinnitus.  Its been a long, tiring, stressful and depressing journey for me.  I wish there was some kind of warning somewhere to tell all pregnant woment with pre-existing mild Tinnitus that it could worsen during pregnancy and even become permanent and severe.  If only I knew !!  Mine was an unplanned pregnancy and little did I know that my life would change forever.  I am battling daily but I am hanging in there.  Do you really think it can disappear totally ?  I really hope so.  I hope to one day wake up and it will be gone forever.  However it's been 8 months and it's still the same.  Anyway thanks for the advice - take care.
    • mike98973
      mike98973 Moo88

      Posted

      Regarding your comment:

      "deaf in one ear already"

      May I ask - Have you been counseled by an Otolaryngology Surgeon who specializes in Cochlear Implants.?

      My understanding is that this procedure is for persons who are totally deaf in an ear and hearing aid devices no longer can accommodate their deafness.  

      I do not know what Country you live in; so this may be dependent on your health care insurance (Government -single payer, Private insurance, Medicare, Medicaid, European Gov't. sponsored, etc.)

      The technology of C.I. has greatly progressed - off course any surgery is to be considered a serious decision.   

    • Moo88
      Moo88 mike98973

      Posted

      Hi Mike my ENT consultant offered me to have a cochlear implant but I said no. I have managed well all these years, I know no different. Its just the tinnitus thats the problem because I am having to struggle to hear over it.x
    • Moo88
      Moo88 shabs40533

      Posted

      I dont want to say it can go but from my experience I had it bad I was crying, anxious and lost all those months I felt surreal to my surroundings because I had shut myself off from the world because of tinnitus. But mine went after 18 months of giving birth I cant say how I literally woke up one morning and it went for 2 years( would notice it mildy when I had a cold). But yeh I would wait for it to return knowing how bad it was I thought no way will it stay away so long but it did. Its back now and its tough its loud but I know its from being pregnant again which I now have to prepare myself for it being there if I get pregnant again. I could handle it if it lasted a short time but when I think back to how long I suffered after the birth it does scare me. If anything it was worse and more continous after the birth where as while I was pregnant it would come and go. I know one thing when it did stop before I was in happier place in my life and felt more positive inside so maybe that had something to do with it going away or habituating as they call it x
    • Moo88
      Moo88 shabs40533

      Posted

      I just wanted to add though no matter how bad you feel with it think of your children thats all I do now I think of my daughter and I couldn't do anything that means me leaving her. I guess thats why I am dealing with this better now because I have to be strong for her. I hate it obviously but I try not to cry and to be honest I am finding it more annoying than having fear this time around. You still deserve a life and although it feels bad now you will have better days. Make sure you wear ear protection in loud environments though to not make it worse. A good site to use to talk to others also going through this is the British Tinnitus Association, that forum was my rock during that terrible 18 months with t. x
    • shabs40533
      shabs40533 Moo88

      Posted

      You were so lucky to have yours gone for two years.  It's very rare that this happens. 

      I am trying to be strong for my son but sometimes it is extremely tough especially those days when the noise is unbearable. 

      I get so angry because I have friends who have more than one child but never suffered the way I am suffering whilst pregnant or even after pregnancy.  In fact none of them even heard of Tinnitus. 

      I only have one child and I wanted it to remain like that, however, due to me moving last September to a new house I felt pregnant unexpectedly.  I really didn't want to have another baby due to me being very sick after my son was born as well as my age and the fact that we just moved to a new home and we had so much to do in the house.  Everything just happened so fast.

      I never in my wildest dream would ever imagine that this terrible nightmare of mine with Tinnitus was starting.  I was fine for the first 3 months of my pregnancy.  It just started so unexpectedly one morning when I woke up.  It just came out of the blue.  I thought it would leave but it never did.

      I know how you must feel also.  Who would think pregnancy can make mild tinnitus worse and permanent.  It is hard but I am just taking it one day at a time now.  I just wish there was some kind of medication we can take to help us reduce this noise by at least 50 %.

      Thanks for your advice and hope you feel better soon also. 

      Take care. 

      You are welcome to chat to me anytime if you wish - confused

       

    • Moo88
      Moo88 shabs40533

      Posted

      I know I was lucky because really me only being able to hear in one ear you would of thought it would of made it worse and not leave but after a very bad 18 months with it it did leave. I was terrible in that time ie feeling so ill inside, crying all the time and feeling like life was over I stopped going out socially because I was so paranoid of making it worse not to mention I had hyperacusis to so everyday sounds would irritate me and make me jump. I have this again now to so must mean my hearing system is on high alert and sensitive. I was generally unwell to after the birth which I think was depression/anxiety but I'm not sure if it was the tinnitus causing it or the other way round but I was an emotional wreck. It does give me hope that I experienced the worst of it and went on to live a normal life for 2 years. My tinnitus i experienced so many different sounds ie sounds of a washing machine being one and buzzing aswell as different volumes. Like now its loud enough that I hear it outside. I did forget to mention I was seeing an audiologist back then and I had a sound therapy machine and a white noise generator ie behind the ear or in ear but I found the behind the ear one more comfortable. Ask for TRT( tinnitus retraining therapy). I know what you mean because I hadn't heard of tinnitus before I had it and it does make you feel sad when people around you never have or wont ever have it. Likewise if you need to talk feel free to msg x
  • Flowerlady
    Flowerlady shabs40533

    Posted

    Hello Shabina, sorry to read of you problem with Tinnitus. I do understand that it does drive us to think of suicide. But don't do anything like that, you have a young family and husband to think of and live for. I know exactly what you are going through as I have had it for years and years, in both ears (that rhymes)

    The more I think about the screaming noise the louder it seems to be. Unfortunatly there is no cure for us, we have to learn to live with it. I also have a condition called Fibromyalgia, its very simmilar to ME, I am in constant pain all over my body, with Fatigue, Memory problems , lack of sleep etc. There is no cure for that either, I take Morphine to help but it only takes the edge off the pain.

    There is always someone worse off than you are, so please have nice thoughts as you are young...enjoy your little ones..as they soon grow up and fly the nest. Take good care of yourself..smile

    • mike98973
      mike98973 Flowerlady

      Posted

      I read your very kind and considerate comment for shabina40533.

      I would like to express directly to your heart & soul; I am truly sorry to hear about your struggle with Fibromyalgia. I have watched documentaries about this condition and similar.

      You have a heart of gold just to take the time to write a comment for this discussion group. I wish the morphine were more effective. I deal with chronic pain from spinal degenerative disease and soft tissue tendinopathy. However, I know my level of pain is not what you have to deal with. Now Hydrocodone works for me and I use occasionally Xanax to turn off my emotions (limbic nervous system). 

      Have you ever discussed with your doctor(s) the use of a hypnotic sedative for sleep purposes (Ambien, Lunesta, and generic-Zolpidem Tartrate)?

      I am going to make a personal comment here; Tinnitus means nothing when you have chronic severe pain - it does not register.

      Anne, all I could say is that I hope you have the best of the best physicians trying to help you. Consider all medications (carefully) which may help alleviate pain and help you to sleep. 

      I know of two doctors and a pharmacist who take a hypnotic sedative because they cannot sleep - none of them has a pain condition, they just cannot sleep (turn off their thoughts). 

      I hope you’re in a position to try everything and anything that may help you - hypnotism, meditation, gentle & slow yoga stretching, TENS (these small electronic units for home use come with four modalities [TENS, Interferential, EMS, and Micro Current].

      TENS & Interferential is used in most Physical Therapy Centers. TENS has been around since the 1960’s – these devices help to stop the pain signal, it’s called the Gate Theory – the medical concept is to alter the pain signal, which travels through the nerves through the spine and then into specific brain centers.             

      ​Thank you for your discussion participation. 

    • shabs40533
      shabs40533 Flowerlady

      Posted

      Thank you Anne.  You are so strong and brave.  I really admire you.  You have two incurable illnesses and you are so very strong.  God Bless You !!

      I am sorry that you are suffering.  I feel no one on this earth needs to suffer at all, if only this could be true. 

      Thanks for your advice also.  I will not let it get to me - easier said that done ....... lol !!

      Take care also.

       

  • Californiastyli
    Californiastyli shabs40533

    Posted

    Your seeing the wrong drs. I know your tired of this but let me tell you someone will find the cause and it sounds as if they already have. Did you have an mra or an mrv? These are the tests that will show the vessels best, these will also rule out serious pathology. Can you recall the vessel that was narrow? Could it have been your transverse sinus? What you have sounds like a possible case of pseudo tumor cerebri. Basically that means there's more fluid around your brain than normal. This can happen due to being over weight, pregnancy or reasons unknown. Do you get headaches.? Vision problems? Is the sound louder when you bend down or turn your head to the right? Can you stop it if you press just under your jaw, along your neck on the right side?

    this cause I mentioned is not serious, it's bigest concern is it could effect your eyes. For this condition you would need to see a neurologist and or an opthamologist who can take a special photo of your eyes to see if they are effected by the fluid.. Basically the fluid presses on this vessel and can cause it to appear narrow. Wen you have a narrow vessel the blood echoes turbulent and then can be easily detected by the ear. 

    First off, you need the mra and mrv with and without contrast of the head and neck.. It is a vessel issue. If the transverse is narrowed, it gives high suspicion to pesudotumor. This can be treated by stenting the vessel to open it and get rid of the turbulence and or by taking water pills prescribed by a neurologist that will reduce the fluid around the brain and end the sound. 

    I have pulsatile tinnitus which means you hear blood flow and it keeps time with your pulse. You need to see a neuro vascular dr.. I saw a neuro vascular neurologist who deals with stroke patients and they are who finally helped me. 

    • shabs40533
      shabs40533 Californiastyli

      Posted

      Hi, thank you for your advice. 

      I didn't go for an MRA or MRV but I did go for a CT Angiogram with dye and this is when they found out I have a narrow blood vessel on the right side of my head - not the transverse sinus.  The doctor spoke to me and said he can put in a stent but there would be a very high risk of a stroke and also says he is not 100 % sure that this narrow blood vessel is the cause of the noise.  He says if he puts the stent in and the noise is still there then what.  I did go for an MRI which showed no excessive fluid around my brain.

      When I press under my jaw and the right side of my neck the sound is still there.  I also don't have vision problems - only at first when I got T. I had blurry eyes when I used to write out cheques at work and my eyes used to water but that has stopped a long time ago.  I don't get headaches like I used to and no the sound is not worse when I turn my head to the right or bend down.   I have seen a neurologist who send me for the CT Angiogram.  I haven't seen an Opthamologist or a neuro vascular neurologist.  To be honest with you I am so sick of seeing doctors and wasting money and not really getting anywhere.  I even exhausted my medical aid.  In saying all that I really want to get rid of this noise permanently

      I just called my neurologist right now while writing to you and he says he will give me a script for water pills but that it won't help.  I will take it and see what happens - its worth a try and I will try anything to get rid of this annoying sound.

      Has your tinnitus gone or is it still there ?  Are you taking anything for it that is helping you ?  How long do you have yours ? 

      Doctors these days are so clueless and don't know much about what tests to do in order to get to the bottom of the problem and this can be so frustrating as they just give up and send you home.  It doesn't bother them as long as they don't have it.  We have to suffer in silence.  I am just glad you found some good doctors who helped you - this is very rare.

      Anyway take care and chat soon - xxxx

       

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