Tinnitus driving me to suicide

How are you doing now ?

I am still struggling unfortunately.  I thought by now I would have gotten used to it but I seem to be more depressed about it than ever before.

I have seen another psychiatrist who put me on anti-depressents and anxiety meds and I am taking it for over a week now.  I feel there will be no end to my suffering and the only time I will have relief is when I am dead.  It's also robbing me of my joy like you mentioned also.  You are lucky yours is not severe like most peoples are.  I wish the volume on mine when down at least by 70 % so that I can carry on with my life.  My life seems to have stopped and I am just existing now.  My husband does not understand what I am going through and in truth I don't really have any support.  No one seems to really care.  They are all just carrying on with their normal happy lives.

I blame myself for this problem as I knew I had mild tinnitus as well as other health issues after my son was born 9 years ago and I fell pregnant (unplanned) which brought up this severe tinnitus when I was only 4 months.  I wish someone warned me that during pregnancy it could worsen and become permanent.  Never in a million years I thought something like this would happen to me !!

My husband feels I will be wasting my time and money doing more tests and the end result will be the same - I have tinnitus and there is nothing that can be done and I must just learn to live with it.   Sad but true.

How many kids do you have and what are their ages.  What does your family say about your T. 

I am at my wits end with this problem and I feel as if my life is over.  I feel like death would be better than living this life that I am living now.  I am not how I used to be.  I am so withdrawn, depressed, lonely and I don't smile anymore.  People have noticed this about me and even asked me if there is something wrong.  How do I tell people how I feel.  They don't have T and will never know what it's like.  I feel like everyone around me is carrying on with their happy lives while I am just sitting and watching and not living anymore but just existing.  How does a person overcome such an awful thing.  It's 10 months now that I am suffering.  My T sounds like an engine running 24/7 in my head and my hearing in my right ear has worsened. 

I have tried all the vitamins people say may help like zinc, gingo, magnessium etc. but nothing seems to work.  I am on anti-depressents and anxiety meds at the moment as I am still suicidal.  I know people say "you will get used to it" but I don't see that happening for me.  I just want my "old normal life back" before T.   I know it is impossible.  I am having such a hard time accepting that this is how my life will be until the day I die.

I have one son only and he is 9 years.  This year has been hell for me and I have become so depressed, moody and withdrawn that I feel as if my son is not so close to me anymore like he used to be.  He is now so attached to his dad that I feel not needed and left out.  I know I am to blame cos of the way I have been recently but what must I do to overcome this as I am struggling. 

I also sleep without meds but once I wake up it's hard to fall asleep again.  You said yours is loud that you hear it over the TV - I want to know how you don't let it bother you anymore as the noise is constantly there and there is no escaping it.   What does yours sound like ? 

Any advice would be appreciated.  Thanks for replying. 

Hugs

I feel you and understand you completely, I was exactly in the same situation you are now. So, the first thing is you have to know there is hope... ALOT of hope.

My sound is a high frecuency piercing sound, like a dog whistle. This frecuency makes it so difficult to be masked by anything.

My nightmare lasted for most of a year. I cried alot, every day, i thought my life was over, and it would be a complete nightmare the rest of my life (I was 29 years old then).

With time, and the love I have for my son, and also to take care of my wife, had to start figuring out how to get out of the hole.

Then I started to understand that, my worst problem was anxiety and depression. Triggered by questions like "why me?", "what if this gets louder?", "I'm not going to live a normal life again", running in my head over and over again. Watching people having fun, enjoying life, made me thought I was ruined.

So how can you handle this?

First, understand you are not alone, we are millions of people (and many more joining the Tinnitus club every day) that suffer it, and you are not alone. We feel your pain, and most of us developed the same symptoms: anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts.

Second, start to get out of your mind the "why me", those thoughts are hurting you so much (the also did for me). There are alot of people around the world with alot of illness from cancer, kidney failure, and alot of diseases that cause chronic pain, alot of them so young. Read a forum about people suffering from TMJ pain, trigeminal neuralgia pain, Lyme disease. Do a search on internet for celebrities that have illness like Multiple sclerosis. All this was an eye opener for me, things are not very nice for alot of people, including us.

Third, start TO NOT PAY ATTENTION to your Tinnitus. It is really hard, I know, but it can be possible. Make several sessions every day. Start to hear your Tinnitus, but do not feel anything. If you start to feel anxious, start thinking in another think. If you start to feel depressed, switch your mind fast to another thoughts. Hear your Tinnitus, but don't let it make you feel nothing.

Fourth, start living your life again. It will be hard. I remeber the first days, I was in the mall, at the restaurant, with my family, I was in complete hell. But you need to fake it until you make it. Go out with your son, get dinner, go to the park. It will ( I promise you ) gradually be better with time.

Fifth, there is something about Tinnitus and you, something called HABITUATION. Have you entered sometime into a place with a very bad smell, but then you it does not bother you anymore? Or getting into a room with a loud fan, but suddenly you can't notice it anymore? Your sound can make the same with Tinnitus. But your brain won't habitute while you still take your Tinnitus as a menace, something bad, and painfull. Thats all the last points about, to stop thinking you are ruined, to stop feeling anything when Tinnitus is present.

It's alot of information and hope I can share with you. Please get in touch. I promise you, I really promise you, that there is hope. I'm not the only one that has reached habituation. I know alot of people with Tinnitus (that i have met since i got it) and most of them have also habituated.

Today, have some dinner with your son. Remember, fake it until you make it.

We will be in touch,

Regards. 

Thanks for your advice.  I will do what you said and see how it goes.

The only problem is that my T. is so loud especially at work with my computer hard driver on the whole day, it really affects my T. and makes it louder.  Unfortunately I work in an office on the computer the whole day. I have my radio on the whole day but that doesn't help much.

Is there any vitamins or meds you take to help you with your T.  Do you mask your T. at night like most people with white noise etc.

Did you go for TRT therapy to help you habituate or did you do so on your own ?  I really would like to get to the point where you are now with your T.  How did you get your T ?  You sound young and no one no matter what age should suffer with this ever !  It's really life-changing.

Anyway you take care, chat soon.

I'm 32 years old, but my Tinnitus problems started when i was 29.

I know how you may feel right now. It's like being there, but not being there at the same time. Everything moves around you, but it seems like you are watching a movie, you are not present. You see other people around playing and having fun, but you feel anxious, desperate, jealous of them, and you want to cry. You keep asking yourself "Why me?", and you keep saying "I won't be normal again. My life is over", "my sons/daughters won't have a mother/father again". I had all of those feelings, for more than a year. Please, believe me, you will get better, I promise.

About your T increased by your PC. I also have reactive Tinnitus, that is, sound exacerbates my T. So I can't just mask it with hearphones, because my ears and Tinnitus start to get worse.

When I was in my worst days, i was not able to sleep good. I used to wake up in the middle of the night with my sound very very loud, anxious and just wanted to run away. Now i don't use any masking sound to sleep, and I do sleep like a stone for 8 hours. And in the mornings, there is sometimes that I start my day without even noticing my T (and it's still loud as usual).

I didn't go for TRT.

I don't have a manual, about how I can handle my T, because it is more like a process of slowly getting better. So, let me write you something, like brain storming, so you can start to get better.

1) Tinnitus is a really awful thing, but believe me, there are much worst things. So we need to stop thinking we are the "chosen ones" to suffer. We are not alone.

2) You need to ACCEPT your Tinnitus (hard, veeery hard, but possible). Once you understand that you are not the only suffering, you should accept that, as well as other people got cancer, some got terminal kidney failure, some got a heart attack, some others has lost their children, lost their parents, has lost a limb, are blind, have multiple sclerosis, cystic fibrosis,..... We have Tinnitus.

3) The process of getting better is not a single win. It is like, "feeling very bad, feeling bad, feeling very very very bad, feeling bad, feeling something good, feeling great, feeling bad again, feeling good, feeling really good"... is a process, a cycle... It first begins with alot of bad days/months and some good ones. But if you keep working on it, your cycle will start to change, you will start to have more good than bad ones.

4) It is like a snowball... you will start small, very small improvements. That is the hardest part of the process. People give up in a couple of weeks, then they get trapped again in the "all days depression". You need to know that, like a snowball falling a hill, it will start small (really full of depression, anxiety) but as well as you keep going, the snowball will get bigger and bigger (you will get better and better)...

5) If you have any other problems than Tinnitus, ex: another health problems, poor eating habits, alot of stress from work, alot of anxiety and depression because your profession, family, etc... you NEED to solve them first before you start to handle your Tinnitus.

6) Please read about CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and also about Mindfullness. Those are methods to help people to handle better the anxiety and depression. They REALLY help.

The worst part, is to start rolling... to get out of that very bad depression you are in (I was right there also)... once you start to move forward, things will improve.

Please keep in touch.

Sometimes I can last couple of days to answer because of work, but hang on there

Hope and hugs for you.

Hi John just reading through some old posts because I have joined the "T" club and want to say that I found your messages on here really helpful.  Especially when you say that the process of getting better is not a single win.  I thought that I was doing okay and most days coping okay (had this awful affliction since May) and then had a bad day yesterday, couldn't sleep at all last night due to the panic and anxiety and now also feeling pretty desparate today and not being able to zone out the noise very well.  I work in a quiet office and find this very difficult so sit with an ear piece in listening to radio softly.  It's because of post like yours that I feel that I can go on.  Already had cancer so I guess it's just another hurdle to get over - but a hard one!

Excellent advice, John.  That is how I deal with my tinnitus.  When I do become too conscious of it, I say, 'Hi old friend', give it my full, calm, accepting attention for a while, and then get on with my life.

What you mean when you say you have a story that you have never seen before ?

Will definately look you up.