Too scared to kill myself, how pathetic
Posted , 129 users are following.
That's it. I've had about all I can take from this miserable thing we call life. I'm sick of being depressed and having panic attacks.
I want to hang myself, don't ask me why that's my chosen method but it is but I have a death phobia so I'm too scared to do it and gave myself a panic attack instead.
That's irony in its finest form.
It's just not worth it anymore, nothing is.
My life's falling apart and I have absolutely zero will left to carry on this fight.
I'm done.
15 likes, 182 replies
Ninja_Ali Dannie1989
Edited
I feel the same way.
I've been depressed since 14 (31now).
Everything I've tried to help myself, always makes things worse or ends in failure.
Everyday I feel like I want to die but I'm too scared to do anything.
I desire death than life.
I've been alone since my childhood.
No friends, No social life...nothing.
Even the things I enjoyed before, are really boring to me. I really hate it here.
The reason I replied is because when I saw your post, I felt the same way.
I don't know if anything will get better
I don't know why I keeping going....
desperation Ninja_Ali
Edited
Hey I'm 41, first panick attack at 16, first depression episode at 18..
Been on many antidepressants (Cipramil, Aurorix, Zoloft) also Lithium .. Lexapro worked finally for me when I was 29 at 20mg a day. along with Sotalol beta blocker.
In 2014 I was fed up with the Lexapro, I felt like I was too high most of the time and felt I have become somewhat stupid in dealing with people, felt like a laughing stock to even my closest friends! I started tampering down to 15mg daily in the hope of completely stopping, that's when anxiety spiked and I was getting panic attacks more regularly, always thinking about my heart and having palpitations and trouble breathing.
After 4 months the panic attacks subsided a little, I could bare them more now. But was too afraid of cutting down to 10mg of Lexapro, so I stayed on 15mg until the end of 2016.
Beginning of 2017 is when I had a major panic attack and called an ambulance and went to ER as I did many times before in the past. The panic attacks were more frequent now, very scary and with them arrived the almost forgotten feeling I had, depression, it came and hit me hard and stopped me from feeling alive!! I attempted to get beck to 20mg Lexapro but that made me feel physically sick and panicky. I decided to cut it to 10mg, then 5 mg.
Went to the ER more times, always dismissed as anxiety.
A doctor prescribed me a Benzodiazepine called Temazepam, felt much better on it but after waking up the fatigue and low mood were unbearable.
I also was afraid of becoming addicted to a "benzo"..
A psychiatric from a community centre insisted I go back to 10mg Lexapro, I did and it started to work a little better on my depression, also after research I took Vitamin D3 daily and was surprised at how it gave me some energy and lifted my mood substantially....
Long story short here I am now in 2021 after tampering with Lexapro and down to 5mg a day, went to zero for 4 days and got really terrible withdrawals, I'm stuck at 5mg with bouts of depression and continuous and relentless anxiety in which I take a Valium once a week.
I'm fighting the last battle against Lexapro now in the hope of getting free from it after 12 years of dependency. It has been a daily struggle for 2 months now being on only 5mg..
Tried to start Faverine and felt ill, tried Mirtazepine and no luck, my body rejected them from one dose, all I got are terrible side effects that kept me busy for 24 hrs.
I don't know what's next for me!
david85230 desperation
Edited
hey brother
hang in there. i was addicted to klonopin for 11 years and have been going strong and sober for two years now. there is a light at the end for you.
daena15942 Ninja_Ali
Posted
please keep on going. it's hard and it's painful and you don't deserve any of it at all. i really hope and pray and wish for both you and desperation's safety and healing and happiness. both of you can win this battle. there is still happiness and hope out there for both of you and you deserve to experience it. i hope you're all still here.
damien33552 Dannie1989
Edited
Hi Danniel19 i am sorry to hear you are in distress, I too suffer from debilitating depression and anxiety. I found myself spending years looking for an answer as to why i feel the way i do but recently i have cone to realise i have no triggers other than the world around me. Maybe i an wrong or maybe i am right but my theory is the reason many of us are depressed and suicidal is because its our souls screaming at us from the inside. i have come to the conclusion that depressed people are normal and its the rest of the world that are messed up in the head, they all have the ability to ignore all the bad in the world and take the attitude of its not there problem. I am not religious but i have studied many of them. for me i am now at the point where i feel as though i must kill myself soon just to save my soul from all the corruption and greed we see on a daily basis. Like you i am also scared of the day i go ahead with it as i know i will be going to the place that humanity has explored more than any other yet at the same time humanity still doesnt know what death holds so i think fear is a natural response to the predicament we all find ourselves in. For me when i try to talk to friends or family about it i get told its selfish... personally i see it as selfish on there side as when ever i get told what i plan to do is selfish i feel guilty as i dont want friends or family to be upset. the reason i find it selfish of them is because they will never know how painful it is on a day to day basis having to live in this world that feels completely foreign to me and is so far away from how the world should be that it really is painful to watch. Just know you are not alone and there is many people like you in this world and you are not alone! i hope you find what you are looking for in life and i pray for you that you find a few moments of happiness
daena15942 damien33552
Posted
i really hope that you find happiness and healing as well, because you deserve it and you deserve so much good. what you're going through is not your fault and you are not selfish, no matter what other people say. i hope that you can reach out to the right people and talk to them about everything. those people exist out there and your happiness exists out there too. i hope you get to experience it and i hope you're still here. i know that this world is cruel. i hate this world so much. but you're one of many, more than you think, that makes this world still good. and we need you. this world needs you. you're a good soul and you deserve everything that's good. please keep going on and stay strong! there are better days and there are good people. all of it is waiting for you. best of wishes.
Waza83 Dannie1989
Posted
Hi Dannie1989,
Firstly please do not attempt to kill yourself. If you are feeling so low call the Samaritans or go to A&E. Please make an appointment with your GP and get some treatment. No matter how bad the days get there will be better ones i promise. I am not saying your thoughts with disappear forever because i believe when you suffer with your own torments this is something we actually learn to live with and each day/one step at a time things will get easier. I find talking on here helps because there is always someone that will answer/reply.
I hope you get the help you need (reach out) take care
Waza83
david85230 Dannie1989
Edited
I hope that you know that you are loved and that while life on this planet can be unbearable, being a change to that darkness could change everything for you. i found that in life when i have no purpose i want to kill myself but when i have purpose it is bearable. i hope you find yoir purpose
tracy51593 Dannie1989
Edited
hi Dannie and anyone feeling this way, I'm really begging you not to follow through on your feelings. i do know how you feel and feel like it a bit myself at the moment, which is why I'm on this page.
but please please, even if you're angry or sad or feel that your family and friends don't care, please tell them how you're feeling, tell them you feel suicidal. Give them a chance to help or make amends or hopefully reassure you that the negative thoughts you have are either not true or not as bad as you think.
I lost my nephew to suicide almost 7 years ago now but it still causes me such pain. I wish he had reached out and told people how he was feeling and I hope we could have helped. Instead of flying back home to help him, i was helpless and had to fly back home for his funeral.
I hadn't seen him the last time I went home ( i tried but he was working) and its left me with awful guilt that i might have been able to help, if we had met and he had shared his sadness, anger, shame, whatever he was feeling i would have loved to have known and just hugged him let him know that he is so flippin loved and do whatever was needed to help him. i would have flown home to help if i could.
my point is please if theres something i can do, even now if its not for my nephew, if i can help you, and anyone reading this to not give up, that will mean i at least did something to help someone, even if it not my nephew.
honestly try medication, try counselling, try mediation, exercise, ...and definitely do not leave this world without telling your family and friends you are suicidal! it might sound drastic, but please let them know and give them an opportunity to help you... even if ye don't get on or you think there's nothing that they can do to help.....give them a chance to help.... PLEASE I AM BEGGING ALL OF YOU READING THIS THAT FEEL SUICIDAL TO SHARE YOUR FEELINGS. Please give people a chance to help, even if you don't think they care. If you don't have family and friends share with your gp, walk into A and E, post it multiple times on FB and give people at least a week to see it.... there's nothing to be embarrassed about if you plan on leaving the planet , but let people know so they can help.
i have struggled a lot with these feelings so i know how people feel.but I've also lost someone i love dearly to suicide, please don't leave a hole in people's hearts.... please give people a chance to help you. you are not worthless, you have a right to your place on the planet, you have intrinsic value, i am reaching out here because i genuinely care that you, a person i have not met, does not hurt themselves. I'm sending whatever you need, hugs , love , support, a message to say you matter and keep fighting. I love you xxx
heretoday39 Dannie1989
Posted
life is falling apart here too. Did you figure it out? I hope you are well and managing ok. I wish I could help, but I don't know what to do myself 😕 if u figure it out please share, could save a life
clair11942 Dannie1989
Edited
I Beg you to get help, ring up ANYONE,
First stop is AnE hospital if your in the UK
They will get the crisis team straight away to access you and better still help you to sort out what's going on,
I wish there was something I could do to help you,
PLEASE DONT DO ANYTHING, think of the people you leave behind,
You may think your life has no meaning and trust me we all feel like that at times,
I'm like you fed up of feeling down but I'm determined not to let it get the better of me,
FIGHT BACK xx
nick45282 Dannie1989
Edited
i'm 48. ive known since i was 18 that i should never have been born. between then and now has been nothing but torture and humiliation. I've now come to a complete standstill. There's nothing i want to do. Nothing interests me. i have no goals. I just want this f*****g horrendous life to end
Cr792 Dannie1989
Edited
as I was typing on Google how to kill myself I came across this thread, and I can deff relate to how you feel, I live in a prison of my own mind for years, depressed, anxiety attacks, I can't even go out sometimes cause I lack confidence and insecurities, feel super lonely, I'm writing this in my room as I'm trying to figure out how to end the pain, but I just wanna say to you Dannie you are not alone, I know you feel you are and your life is just going downhill, maybe try to talk to someone like a professional, I know this is not what you wanna hear but it's truth like I said you are not alone in this battle.
daena15942 Cr792
Posted
i hope you're still here. you don't deserve this pain at all and i'm sorry that you're going through it. i don't understand but i just hope you know that people care and people want to help and support you. i care and i support you. i wish for your safety and peace of mind and happiness. what you're going through is not your fault. i'm rooting for you and i believe that you can win this battle. i know you can. i wish you all the goodness in the world.
Xonos83 Dannie1989
Edited
The best advice I can give you is, screw em all! Don't let them beat you. Fight the darkness with life, and cherish the fact that you are defying everything that wants to cause you harm. You are completely right to feel how you feel, and yes, people ARE that crappy! But see, you're better than that. So insult them by sticking around, and wear that with pride. 😃 Screw them, you're better and you know it! Show them you're not afraid, show them you'll bite back. You will be shocked at how people respond, which is literally by cowering in fear. You'll soon liberate yourself, soldier! Just keep fighting! You can do it, just put your mind to it! I mean come on, you've made it this far and you're still here! You are stronger than you think, you've endured more than you realize!