Why can't I escape the pain of depression

Thank you Mark, you have no idea how good it is to hear that I am not going crazy in my own little world.  I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me its going to be ok but deep down I don't want that at all.  I'm just so scared when I am like this as I have attempted to end it before.  Cry for help some people said to me, I didn't want help that was the reason, I wanted the pain to go away and nearly succeeded but my neighbour popped round for something and found me.  She saved my life but am I grateful...no I am not, how awful is that.  She has been so supportive towards me, she could have so easily run in the other direction.  I find helping others through what I go through every day so much easier than helping myself.  I know how they feel and can sympathise with everything they say.  Its just feels right to me to save a life if I can but I can't save my own!! I'm on my own with two teenagers after a turbulent marriage of control and not an ounce of compassion from my husband about my condition.  But I didn't realise how lonely it would be and I often think back to then and how controlling he was but at least I had someone there!! 

I hope you find comfort in reading posts on here too, you sound a caring person and I really hope that you find a way through this awful disease.  Thank you for sharing your story with me, it does help.

 

Mark you are a lovely person too, as is everyone here.  We all want to help each other through depression.  What kind people there are here.  So heartening.  I am so sorry Mark that things are really bad for you at the moment.  Yes you are still here.  You have family who care about you, even though, at the moment, you are pushing them away.  I am sure they understand, I know I do.  Done it myself.

Mark hope things are improving for you.

I was driving back from the cemetery today after putting my sons holly wreath down...(think thats when all this started, losing my boy) but as I was driving home I was thinking of every way I could crash or smash into a lorry and that would be it, so I think like that too!! But your right in a way too I think about the comfort blanket, I have been hurt so many times in the past that I don't want any more so I just shut down and hide.  I always think I am watching life pass me by and I really want to be out there enjoying what everyone else seems to enjoy, its just too difficult too do.  I am extremely lonely just now and don't know what I've done to be so isolated, I have no real friends to speak off and the ones I do have are enjoying getting sorted for christmas, christmas parties and family gatherings...I just someone to share it with. God I sound pathetic. 

Your tale did make me smile however, an Edwardian doctor off all the thinks to be....maybe thats what you were in a past life.

I feel closer to him there and as his mother I owe him that much.  I drive there because I know I won't meet anyone and if I do they don't talk so its my place of solitude really.  You too are strong as you have reached out to help someone else today and that means a lot.

I'm sorry to hear its the anniversary today, I'm sure you mum would know you were thinking of her regardless of where you were.  I think this time of year brings it to the surface and we think more about the ones we have loved and lost and miss so terribly. 

I paint my smile on at Christmas for the childrens sake and hope and pray I make it through the day without falling apart.  As you said the hours feel like forever but its only 24 hours out of the full year and I've been through worse days. 

Thank you so much for today, it really has helped me knowing I am not alone in this situation, although alone is my life at the moment. 

I pray tomorrow is a better day for both of us and if not then the next day might just be our day!!

 

 

To all you lovely people here, my heart goes out to you all.  We are all in our small words, alone, depressed and reaching out.  I love you all.  I am sorry we have to endure so much.

The consolation is we have the support of each other.  If only we could meet, hug and have a cup of tea and a chat.  Isolation is so difficult.  For some, like me, I live alone, for others they are surrounded by people, but still feel alone. 

Oh how do we cope.  We have to.  Everyone has a story to tell.  I wish I could take away your pain, I really do.  Mental anguish so very difficult to deal with.

I love you all for your sympathy with each other.  Please keep writing here, so at least I can talk to people in my own home and feel less alone.

God bless and keep you all.

Anne xxx

Anne I want to thank you too for your kind words, your right we have each other on here and although we may feel alone in our lives, we really are not alone in this disease. 

Every story has meaning and everyone is going through the same as us, some dealing with it better, others fighting to see the day through, but if we can support each other then I think we can win this fight.

Sending you my love and god bless you too.

Gillian xxx

 

Les I am in tears reading your story.  You have been through so very much.  How strong and brave you are. 

Please let us know what the results of the scan shows.  My fingers are crossed that all is well, and you do not have to battle anything else.  Oh God, Les, I wish I could help.  So glad you have a family who love you.

Take care dear man, and I will be thinking of you.

Les you have been through the mill and it makes my own situation seem very small in comparion to yours.  My heart goes out to you and your family.  The pain felt when you lose a child never leaves you and I have now lived with this for 15 years.  Depression to me is watching the world around breath while I slowly drown in my own little world. Yesterday was a bad day but the people who offered me words of kindness did help, I have woke up this morning not feeling any better but I know that when I come on here and read about other people I somehow don't feel so alone anymore.

You will be in my thoughts today Les and I hope that the call brings some good news for you and the family, I think you have had your fair share of grief over the years.  You are a strong person with a loving family around you, I thank you for sharing your story with us, it does help to talk about it.  Keep in touch with us but in the meantime, I send my love to you and wish you well.  Merry Christmas to you all xx

Hi Anne,

Sorry, I didn't mean to bring you to tears, Anne, please forgive me - I guess I have been through a lot, and still cope with depression and anxiety - sometimes I wish I could just swap bodies for an healthy one, but that's out of the question. Actually, writing that story last night brought back all the pain and anguish, and tears I have been through over the years. The accident in my early 20's is what caused a majority of the pain I suffer everyday, not including being depressed as well. The depression stems back further, and to be honest I think it started in the junior school, if I remember correctly. I keep looking at the date lately, thinking it's just a few days until Christmas, yet to me it doesn't even feel like Christmas. I'm on over 40+ tablets a day, that includes Tramadol and Amitriptyline, both of which cause seizures and I shouldn't even be on them. Tramadol they are trying to get me off, by injecting high doses of BOTOX every 10 weeks in to my neck, which is 5 injections. How celebrities have it done for cosmetic purposes is beyond me, because it hurts a lot, once injected it's like numerous Bee stings. For cosmetic purposes they have a lot of smaller doses than me, it costs over £600 a jab!

I see people buying Christmas decorations in shops, yet I feel so low - having to live in a wheelchair is like being isolated from the outside world, I am unable to steer a normal wheelchair because my brain sends the wrong signals to the wrong muscles. I did try an electric  scooter once, that was a bad idea! I went past our car from Motability which was brand new, and scratched the bumper by over a foot long in the paintwork, then I tried reversing - course that just made the scratch even deeper and worse! Me and a bright idea's don't work. lol

We live in a bungalow which has been all adapted for my use, but I find somethings still difficult even now - hardly ever go out to socialize, but there is reasons for that. I suffer from Epilepsy, flashing lights doesn't cause me to have seizures which is one good thing. But I found out 2 weeks ago another problem, normal disco lights I can tolerate - but when the LED laser show was switched on, that was it, I ended up having a massive nose bleed! All the lights come on and I was wheeled outside, they all thanked me for coming, eventhough I felt I messed up the party - I always get the impression I am more of a hindrance when I am around people, being disabled, perhaps it's just me, I don't know.

Trying to keep the garden down is difficult, my daughter is too young, my middle son suffers from allergic reactions to grass and the hedges, my wife has to manage the grass and hedge, and shes has allergic reactions and comes out with large watery blisters. My eldest son lives miles away, so that's a no go! So, we have to rely help from our neighbours, when it comes to the gardening. I used to enjoy gardening but as my mobilty became worse, I can no longer do that.

Sat in a wheelchair, or even a normal chair does become boring and that's when I start getting depressed, the trouble with me is if I am not doing anything that makes me think, I can also go to sleep. Most people would find going to sleep fine during a day, the problem is if I go to sleep it can be lethal. I can fall asleep even if I am talking to someone, even eating (chances of choking, if I am not woken up!). I actually have to be physically woken up, because I don't go to sleep like a normal sleep. This is hard to even describe, basically I think I am still awake and even see people in the room, I even try talking to them - but what I am saying doesn't make sense, on some occassions I will wake myself up and notice people are looking at me very strangely, other times they will ask what am I on about, considering I'm making no sense whatsoever. Believe it or not, I even fell asleep typing this message and I started typing it about 3 hours ago, probably why my posts end up so long! I have come across other people on these forums that have the same sleep disorder, to me I am awake - but really I have gone to sleep, it can be frightening... Not really related to depression, but with me its an additional problem.

To anyone that is reading this, I know what you are going through - I am myself on anti-depressents, amonsgst many other medications and under many Consultants at the hospital, I have a very large record at the hospital which consists of 3 volumes of records, each one is full of notes, x-rays, CT scans, MRI scans, etc.

My first record at the hospital you will laugh at, eventhough I was in a lot of pain. It happened in my junior school and I was about 7yrs old, playing the game we called "British Bulldog", anyway I was running away from someone and ran into a school rubbish bin which was metal and I bent my hand right back, and fractured my wrist. Gawd, I always remember that, the stupidest possible thing to do, run in to a school dustbin.

I'll keep you all updated on what happens with the Urology Consultant. I know I have been through hell in my life, but as I see it - there's always people worse off than yourself. Depression is horrid I know, but try and and think about all the positive things thats happened in your life, not the negative - I know this can be difficult, but you may find that the positive things outweigh the negative feelings, and try and smile over Christmas - (I would say maybe watch TV, but that's all darn repeats from every year!).

Regards,

Les.

 

Hi Mark,

I am not too bad today, we had my mother-in-law around today for Sunday roast dinner. She comes around every weekend, my wife picks her up and takes her back home, since she lives about 4 miles away from us and shes 75 years old, and lost her husband not long after their 50th Wedding Anniversary, he lived for a few months after.

Believe me, the illness I have I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy - come to think about it, I don't think I any. lol I know at times it's been very hard for me, to get through certain days. You certainly hit the nail on the head with saying I am a sensitive person, which is probably why I am like I am. I have been battling illnesses for many years, I have broke down quite a few times recently with my wife. The trouble is I got to the point where I can no longer bottle things up, I have to let it out, even if it means breaking down - for a man that is hard to do, as you probably know men have an ego that like to stay infront of - but with depression it's very difficult.

I come on here to try and get away from things that are going on in my life now, last night I typed that message and at the same time broke down a few times, because I can remember what it was all like, and the feelings do not go away, years later.

From your post above it's an obvious call Mark, that you wanted just to be left alone, eventhough you feeling lonely. Your wife should not really push you into isolation, which is what it could have been. Everyone has disagreements, it's normal for any couple - My wife and I have been married for nearly 25 years next year, yet we still have disagreements, it's natural in any relationship - no relationship is perfect. My wife has had to put up with a lot from me over the years, but it's basically down to medication changes, which can change a person completely. These days I feel more mellow than anything, eventhough I am waiting on ultrascan results, which I am hoping is clear.

You are quite right Mark about chatting to others on here, I don't go out much these days and haven't been on holiday in over 10 years! If a chance comes up for anyone of our children we've always let them go.

One thing that did bother me was my daughters behaviour awhile ago, But it did come from her home life, it's been difficult on the children with me being like I am, which I try and help them with now.

Regards,

Les.

And you are still ok after the mother in law came round??!! Ha ha.

Seriously though, nothing wrong in being sensative, it is who we are, I am told what a caring decent blah blah person, all very well but if you CAN look after your self and take good care and put YOU first, then the rest can take care of itself. You are happier, so you make others happy.

Easier said than done of course. I guess be kind to ourselves first then we can find a bit of inner peace the rest will fall into place, can't control what others think or do but can control, to an extent, what WE do and think.

You have had a lot to deal with and should be quite proud of yourself

....LOL - Yeah, my mother-in-law treats me like one of her sons. She has done a lot for me and my wife over the years! My wife and I, are probably the closest to family she has left. She has two sons and two girls, but it's only my wife and myself shes sees the most. Eventhough when my father-in-law was alive and asked my wife and her sister to take good care of your mum when I'm gone, he knew he was dying after a triple heart bypass. My sister-in-law lives just 3 miles away from her mother and even drives past her house to work 5 days a week, the only time she sees her mother is when she wants to borrow money. My wife and I are on Benefits, but it's hard to live off, I maybe on full DLA indefinitely on care and mobility, but I gave up the mobility for a car, that wasn't cheap because we needed a car to take all my walking aids, so a car with no deposit was out of the question, so we ended up paying a £499 deposit! That was last Christmas, this Christmas our electric cooker died on us, so we had to buy a new one, that was just over £400 just before Christmas including connection, the trouble is these days you can pay upto £100 or more just for installation. Gawd, I used to plumb them in myself gas and electric years ago, these days it invalidates your house insurance. I wasn't qualified, okay I know how a lot of things work, I have worked in electronics, built PC's, setup servers remotely, etc.

What makes me laugh is this dumb-arse government - they say make sure you are getting the correct benefits. So, when my wife and I went and looked at the various benefits we found that DLA Care Component was on the wrong rate, it should of been higher, by about £30 a week - so we applied and got it, with a letter saying we should of have applied years ago! The trouble is you are not informed. Anyway, so our DLA went up £30 a week, but then we get a letter from Child Tax Credits, due to a change in your income we will need to deduct nearly £4 a week. ...and people complain. I did try and get a loan or grant from social, but that was a no go because I worked in the past so I am on Contgribution based ESA!! I thought what the heck is this country coming to, if you dont work the Gov't will give you grants and loans. Luckily, I had back pay from DLA. When I was 18 yrs old I was doing 16 hour shifts, and thinking nothing of it, okay I didn't have a real much of a social life - but I enjoyed working hard and my pay + bonuses was very high.

By the age of 19 I was a MENSA member, I cancelled my membership after the company I was working for put me off, due to insurance issues, being a danger to myself and others.

I am sat here on tender hooks - waiting for a phonecall either from the Doctor or Hospital, not sure who will phone, it's like sitting on a time-bomb....

Regards,

Les.