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Why can't I escape the pain of depression

Posted , 13 users are following.

gillian0503
gillian0503

I really am on a low at the moment and really looking for an easy way out as I can't take the pain anymore.  My heart physically hurts and I feel like I am pushing everyone away who is trying to help me.  I have never felt lonliness like it and although it really gets me down, I don't want anyone's company (does that make sense) .   I am on anti-depressants and have been for many years.  The doctors tells me it will pass but it never does.  A smile that hides a thousand sorrows and i feel like I'm drowning while everyone around me is living their life.

 

1 like, 55 replies

55 Replies

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  • mark01943
    mark01943 gillian0503

    Posted

    And gillian. I am proud of you. I cannot imagine the pain you have gone through and continue to do so. You are so very brave
    • gillian0503
      gillian0503 mark01943

      Posted

      Mark I am proud of you too and we have managed to reach another day, maybe slightly better than yesterday but as you say that can change in a heartbeat.  I managed a bit of sleep last night and got up at 4 as I just couldn't lie any longer.  The shortest day today too which is good in some ways for us.  Hope you are feeling a little better today and wrap up warm for that flu you have, nothing worse when you are already feeling a bit down.

      I am glad you took the sleeping pills and went to bed, your wife must be worried about you enough to want to call the hospital.  I believe that our own home is more of a comfort to us than any hospital ward, its what we makes us feel secure I think.

      I am so glad that I reached out here yesterday and met some really nice caring people, and its true being a sensitive person and always putting others before myself but thats my nature and I wouldn't change it for anything but we do end up suffering because of the worries of others that we take on board. 

      Today I sit alone (kids are with their dad) and am reflecting on how people in the same circumstances as yourself reach out and touch your heart which in turn does make a difference and without it, who knows where we would be.  Thank you xx

       

  • caroline20938
    caroline20938 gillian0503

    Posted

    I have just started with another boutagain....not had this since 4years ago....feel sick to the stomach thats it  back....finding it really difficult at the  minute i know it will lift but its agonising going through it,  x
    • gillian0503
      gillian0503 caroline20938

      Posted

      Caroline believe me I know how you feel and that sick feeling doesnt go away, the feeling of anxiousness and discontent is awful.  I am either sitting staring at four walls or wondering about the house feeling so lost and hoping to find something that will trigger a happy memory.  We all have them but at a time like this they are so hard to find.

      Please find confort as we all do in this forum and we are here if you need to talk.  xx

  • mark01943
    mark01943 gillian0503

    Posted

    Never really though I would ever feel as despair as I have these last two days.
    • gillian0503
      gillian0503 mark01943

      Posted

      My despair lives with me each and every day, somedays worse than others and like you yesterday was a bad day.   Today I'm numb and its not a feeling I have had before which kinda frightens me a bit.  I said a prayer this morning, something I've not done for many years asking for help or just a quiet dispatch from the world of pain and suffering.  Its hard to put into words how desperate we are too end our suffering.

      Mark please believe me it can't get any worse than it is right this minute surely....try and have something to eat today and maybe even sit with your wife and son even if its for just 5 minutes.  Then you can go back to bed, I hope it will help ease your despair a little, I hope so.

      Take Care and I am here for a chat anytime.

  • mark01943
    mark01943 gillian0503

    Posted

    Thank you for your words and time. Afraid I had a blazing row with my wife and son this afternoon. My son has gone to stay with sister in law. In a daft way it has surprised me how much emotion I showed, even though it was bad, I still have some fire in me.

    I never TOTALLY understood people who committed suicide. I never, unlike some, thought of them as cowards, but couldn't imagine how bad it must be to do that. Well I do know now.

    But, because I know I will sleep tonight and get some peace for a few hours, then I will be that little bit stronger the next day. I believe that if I am given half a chance I will be ok, just need that chance and a few hours of respite may give me that. Suicide. There is no second chance with that, and think if we have come through it before we can again, although now it is awful.

    I feel ashamed of how I am, when I hear what you have put up with.......I am sure those around you know how strong and lovely person you are

    • gillian0503
      gillian0503 mark01943

      Posted

      Mark I have tried suicide twice before, please dont think bad of me as I know it's not the answer but when you are at your lowest it's the only way out and believe me there is no stopping yourself when you are in that position. Its like someone is controlling your every thought and you just do it, I was lucky on both occasion the second time it was only my accident that my neighbour found me...she saved my life, some days I wished she hadn't but I am still here for a reason and that's what I cling too.

      I am so sorry it came to head today with your wife and son, maybe some breathing space all round will be good.  never be ashamed of who you are because we are all going through it, circumstances are all different but the disease is all the same.  Yeah I've been through some pretty tough times, had my fair share I can tell you.....I should write a book I always say.....but that doesn't make your circumstance any less meaningful than mine. 

      Please do not be so hard on yourself, no one is perfect and we all blow up now and again.  It's a good release valve sometimes.

      I don't feel very strong just now but I am always here to help if you need me.

  • mark01943
    mark01943 gillian0503

    Posted

    And don't worry bout the sleep in tablets. I have 7 prescribed to me, 6 I have flushed down the toilet, after tonight I won't have them again
  • mark01943
    mark01943 gillian0503

    Posted

    Oh heck Gillian, IN NO WAY do I think bad or I'll of you or anyone who has attempted suicide. My heart and soul goes out to anyone who is very very desperate to do that, I totally understand why, now, that people do, I really do. Unless people have been that low I think it is impossible for them to understand even though it is sooooo frustrating for us that they don't. If they say the do, we don't believe, as unless you have been there I don't think you truely can relate to it.

    I remember a few years ago I was in a bad way with this, not as bad as now I admit, but suddenly I just said to myself "Mark, you can turn this around don't rely on others, trust yourself as you know you can do it" I did, but of course when you are so low it just isn't that easy or we would all just do it

    • gillian0503
      gillian0503 mark01943

      Posted

      People don't understand the effects depression has on a person unless they too have suffered.  I am so glad that Mental Health is being so publicised nowadays so there is widespread recognition of what a horrible debilitating disease it is.

      Its fighting the fight day in day out that gets us so low and once your there it very hard to get back from it, time is a great healer, sometimes.

       

  • Geeee
    Geeee gillian0503

    Posted

    Gillian you are amazing person I can see that from just the few moments we've talked. You are stronger than this! I am here for you whenever you need me. Need a laugh welp hold still while I whip out the corny jokes lol we've got this sweets don't worry everything is going to be okay❤️
    • gillian0503
      gillian0503 Geeee

      Posted

      Thank you so much Nelebe for you kind words, and so are you!! This forum has really helped me to realise that I am not alone and I do have people who care and that means so much.

      Everything will be ok, you right we will get through this together.

    • anne240
      anne240 gillian0503

      Posted

      I took an overdose once.  I saw the tears streaming down my daughter's face when she came to see me in hospital. At that time she had a siux month old baby.  How could I do it to them?  But my eyes were blinkered, and I was thinking only of myself.

      I think we have to think of those we leave behind and how they would feel.  It is not cowardly, because we cannot a see a way to go on.  But here I am, and I think perhaps, for me, the worse is past.  I have been as low as low can be. 

      Bless you all on this site.  So hard to deal with this illness called depression.

    • gillian0503
      gillian0503 anne240

      Posted

      Its hard to think of others when you are so low Anne, I did feel very selfish but on the other hand, they weren't the ones feeling the way I did and that awful to say that but its true.  I was at my lowest and I know the signs now and try for the life off me to dig myself out the hole before I do it again.

      I just want the worst to be past for me too but I think I have a way to go yet.

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