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Your 2 worst experiences with alcohol?

Posted , 9 users are following.

Misssy2
Misssy2

I don't know if anyone wants to be as honest as I can be...but I wanted to post this for ME to remember...although...both of these things happened many years ago...I have never forgotten them...and they never really stopped me from drinking again...but...these are pretty bad and as I get older...I would hope I could come to terms with maybe these are the reasons I relapsed...maybe I haven't loved myself enough from these days forward.

#1 - My oldest son was in the hospital dying of a cocaine overdose.  I was woken out of a drunken stupor in the night by my partner (my sons Dad)..and he told me my son had overdosed..and that he mumbled to a Nurse that he wanted his Mom.  I COULD NOT GET UP...I COULD NOT GET DRESSED.  I was freaking out....and I said to my partner I needed to have a BEER before we left...he reluctantley agreed...but he was in a fury...screaming at me...etc..I was trying to choke the beer down...and when it was gone...it wasn't enough to get me up...So, I said...1 MORE!  He did not wait...he left me there....I was devestated and hated my own guts.  My son ended up surviving...and when he came home...he refused to talk to me...(I don't think he remembered he asked for me...but I am sure his DAD told him I was too drunk/hungover to come).  Anyway,  shortly after that I had my first long stint of sobriety and when I reached 1 year...(this boy lived with me everyday and would not speak to me)....I reached 1 year and he had left a drawing in my car which said..."Take this to work"....and a long note stating how proud he was of me and how glad he was that I was ok.  I still don't know if  he could or has ever forgiven me totally. 

#2  - My youngest son..needed open heart surgery at 3 months old.

The hospital was in another state...one of the best in the world.  So my thoughts were my son will be fine.  I was assured by the heart doctor that he would be fine...but he would be one of the FIRST in the world to have this "teflon patch" procedure.  The heart surgeon agreed with us that we could drive our son to the surgery and he didn't have to go in the ambulance as long as we went right there.  I remember calling in work...and feeling FREE...."to drink".   So sad isn't it?

We were told it was a 2 hour surgery....after about 3 hours...a surgeon came out and gathered family into a room and said they were struggling to get his heart re-started and that they may have to insert a pace maker (this is not a good thing for a child so young...would mean many more surguries as he grew).   I remember being p*SSED.....because the beer we had stopped and put in the room for after surgery (for me) my partner didn't drink....had to wait.....Of course my nerves were shot...but looking back it was all about ME...and my BEER once again.

The surgery took a total of 8 hours to complete and the surgeons were successful in getting his heart started and it ended up he did not need a pacemaker.  I remember feeling so guilty the whole operation...because many family members were crying...I was stoic...and MAD that the surgery was taking so long and that I had to wait to drink!  Imagine?  I didn't even comprehend the fact that my son was literally dying and they were trying to save him...people kept telling me that...and I kept saying...he will be fine....I was a little beligerant in saying....I can't believe these TOP surgeons are taking so long!  Unreal.

Thank God my son is ok....he is 25 now....and he has participated in life with no further difficulties with his heart.

SO...this is how powerful alcohol really is when you are ACTIVE.  I love my boys...and always have.

Today...I would lay down completely SOBER and take a gun SHOT for either of my boys....But honestly....put a drink in me and I am TRULY...GOOD for NOTHING.

 

1 like, 71 replies

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  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 Misssy2

    Posted

    Hi missy, what a powerful, brutally honest and totally heart rending post... your courage, and your honesty.are a wonderful testament to your regrets....you should be very, VERY proud of your openness...and sincerity.....

    I too have been very ashamed of many things I did while drinking...I scared and worried my family every single day, I shamed them..I cried so often and became suicidal very often..my three sons and my daughter were terrified every time I got drunk...which was constantly...I was sacked from two jobs...walked out of one and the police were informed I was missing....I was picked up by police drunk in a park...and more and more and much more....

    But ...that was never us...it was the alcohol causing our problems....we would never, ever have acted that way sober....we have to forgive ourselves, let it go..and do all we can to be a better person.. our families still love us, they understand and have forgiven us....

    Your post is absolutely, totally brave...open.....and so, so honest you should be proud of the fact that you have helped many, many others.with their own demons....I wish you ..your family and all of who who have, and still are struggling with this awful drug....

    Peace of mind, and forgiveness for ourselves also health award happiness...sincere regards to you missy xx and all on here....Deirdre x xxx XXX I

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Thank you for your comments and thank you SO much for sharing some of your "darkness"...it really helps me...and I'm sure it helps everyone to see they are not alone...we all sink to deep depths when alcohol is in control.

      I too am sad that you are drinking...because of depression...depression is ANOTHER demon in my opinion...it also makes us do things we don't want to do...or makes us NOT do things that we should be doing. 

      Everyone is not going to forgive us.....but we DO have to forgive ourselves....for sure.  Thank you for always being there for me and US

  • vickylou
    vickylou Misssy2

    Posted

    Misssy

    ive told you before you're an inspiration . I've never spoken in depth to anyone about my feelings and shame about my two worst drunken experiences, apart from briefly with my therapist yesterday. I spent the morning in tears, but it was very theraputic. I can't change what I did and I won't forget them, but I've put them away and my suitcase is at last empty..

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 vickylou

      Posted

      Every single time I go to therapy....I leave drained...its a crappy but GOOD feeling.  I like the suitcase thought...really cool smile
  • Paper_fairy
    Paper_fairy Misssy2

    Posted

    Hi. I've had many horrific experiences I'm sure I could write a best seller and no one would believe it!!! 

    I would say my worst was jumping out a window when my uncle ( bless him and no blame there, ever) locked me in the house thinking it was the best thing to do until my sister arrived from Wiltshire. I was unconscious and air lifted to hospital. Result 3 weeks in hospital with punctured lung, broke pelvis, ribs arm and fractured vertebrae. ( tho have spent 6 weeks in hospital on another time due to OD. 

    2nd..was supposed to go to Lanzarote with 2 of my children, age 14 and 18. I never made it as was too drunk on vodka and they had to go on their own( they'd been before tho so knew what to do. This resulted in me spending 6 weeks in hospital/rehab...didn't stop me drinking tho!

    • emma84640
      emma84640 Paper_fairy

      Posted

      Have you got any better with alcohol now? It seems the buzz alcohol gives me overrides even the love I have for my nearest and dearest 😕
    • Paper_fairy
      Paper_fairy emma84640

      Posted

      Hi Emma. Better than I was but still having relapses when things get really tough. I used to be a 24/7 drinker but now I suppose I'm a binge drinker. Trying to stop all together though. I managed 5 months earlier this year but relapsed for a couple of days. Then did 2 months. So it's a bit hit and miss but I will never give up on giving up!!!
    • vickylou
      vickylou emma84640

      Posted

      i have always been a binge drinker, weeks, months without drinking, then before I knew it, i soon found what depths I would sink to to get money for alcohol.

      Thinking he was doing the best thing, my oh would ensure I had no access 

      to money so I was unable to buy any alcohol, therefore he could go to work thinking the kids would be OK as I wouldn't be drinking. Then when that binge stopped he'd give me back cards, cheque books etc and I wouldn't drink until the next time.

      He soon came to realise that if I needed money badly somehow I'd find a way and not care who I hurt.

      Id steal money from my mum, my dad and I even emptied the kids money boxes. My reasoning to myself was well I'll pay it back, I'm only borrowing it. I didn't give a toss who I hurt in my quest for money.

      My oh played a lot of sport and would always take his wedding ring off and leave it in my jewelry box. Only one day I was so desparate, I sold it. Another time I sold my engagement ring, my wedding ring and finally

      Probably the worst thing, I sold his late mothers engagement ring which she wanted to be passed on to my daughter.

      so yes in answer to your question, my need to have money to buy alcohol was the most important thing and hurt my whole family in some way. It wasn't a buzz I got from alcohol,nit was a need to have it and sod anyone else.

       

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 Paper_fairy

      Posted

      What is Lanzarote?  Yes, you should write a book...I've thought of it many times..and I'm sure we would have best sellers with the correct approach.  I've always wondered how to spin it so the experiences help others...rather than just listing all my drama.

       

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 emma84640

      Posted

      emma...as you can see...here...alcohol DOES over ride...everything...so lets not beat ourselves up...However, even if we are not drinking we are great at beating ourselves up.

      I need to learn how to live GUILT free...and thats wicked hard.

      Have you tried to stop before?

    • RHGB
      RHGB Misssy2

      Posted

      "What is Lanzarote?"

      Part of the Canary Islands, that belong to Spain, but are off the coast of Africa, so much hotter than Europe or the Med. It will be 70F at least during December.

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 vickylou

      Posted

      vicky...you have come SO far....and should be SO proud but most of all...you DESERVE To feel this good...you do....I'm impressed with your husband as well..he has put up with alot.

      Anyone I was with put up with alot too...But, I  in the last 10 years have tried to refuse to deal with anyone for very long....my current b/f is using drugs...I have been putting up with the worst of it for about a year.

      I'm not in it much longer if it doesn't change.  I want to be happy.

      Thank God..you got the desire to quit.....your doing great!

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 RHGB

      Posted

      Wow...sounds beautiful...Thank you RHGB.
    • emma84640
      emma84640 Paper_fairy

      Posted

      That is really good. I can't go a day or two at the moment. I have no idea if it's the drinking alone or drinking and stress of life makes me so depressed I drink more to elevate the deep depressed pain so to speak even though temporary. It got to s bad point I'd drink one bottle so fast if race to the shop to get more. Even though I know the consequences. Daytime drinking was also getting s problem but I'm trying hard to at least drink slow and not drink til I drop. The times I've passed out and left the oven on. Danger 😔
    • emma84640
      emma84640 vickylou

      Posted

      That is heart breaking 😓 I can totally relate. Even though I know what I will be like even if I have one drink I go ahead any way, when I stay at moms I search her cupboards. Once she came to dinner at mine and I started drinking before she arrived. I started cooking in the kitchen and then she found me asleep on the floor. It's like I can't get it down my neck fast enough.

      I started as a binge drinker years ago passing out on nights out and having to be carried home, over the years the drinking nights started to out number the drink free nights til a month or so ago I was drinking from 11am on days off and passing out. Drinking occasionally on lunch breaks. Two drinks before work, and have no idea why. I hate the power it has over me.

      I'm a little better now, time will tell x

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