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Marijuana Induced Hell (PLEASE READ/HELP)

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Ihateweed89
Ihateweed89

Hi,

In December of 2012 I made a completely moronic mistake. I smoked a lot of weed and had a panic attack. I took a few hits of a joint, was already too high without realizing it and then I got passed a vaporizer and hit that without realizing how powerful it was. I didn’t even know what a vaporizer was, it was my 3rd time smoking pot in my life and it has been haunting me to this day.

The next day when I woke up I felt what I later found out to be depersonalization/derealisation. I went on an SSRI and after 2 months of complete HELL I was able to live…decently. That being said, my anxiety was through the roof, I was having physical symptoms that I never, ever had – or even knew existed for that matter, I’ve been getting weird, annoying thoughts, halos around lights, visual distortions and a bunch of other stuff that’s been hard to deal with.

Now I’m really ambitious and despite feeling this way I just kept pushing through, I ended up moving cities, switching my life, was studying nonstop, doing music production, working, blah blah and I had a panic attack one day that seems to have relapsed me into the exact same hell that I endured when I smoked that pot.

I should also mention that I got off of my SSRI about 3-4months ago because of sexual side effects and I think that was a bad idea. I’m back on Ciprilex 10mg, in a mood and anxiety program, I’ve purchased a couple programs, im eating better (when I can actually eat), going to the gym, etc. I will do ANYTHING to get my life back. Before this I was a 3.97GPA student and I was making good money, loving life. Now I can’t go to school this September and I’m flat broke – I feel like I’m living in hell.

I knew I had GAD before this but it was always controllable. I was always told marijuana was good for anxiety and I know firsthand that for me, it’s not. I obviously triggered a latent disorder or exacerbated my pre-existing condition but I am praying that I can get it back to where it used to be (its 100x worse in every way possible) and get rid of this depersonalization in time.

Has anybody ever experienced a reaction to marijuana like this? I messed up, I know it but I’m praying I didn’t ruin my life/future. I'm not suicidal and I'm absolutely determined to get better, I will fight nonstop and do everything necessary -- but in 5 years if I'm still living like this I would honestly kill myself. I do not want to die and just the thought of that and having these thoughts in my head are killing me because I have so much good to offer the world and I love life more than anything, it's truly beautiful, I want to be me again.

Please help me. I’m desperate.

45 likes, 522 replies

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  • a83893
    a83893 Ihateweed89

    Posted

    I'm so sorry..I know Exactly what you're going through..and I thought it would come down to me killing myself too..but I'm getting better and better after 11 months since I did it..I think counseling would help..your body just feels scared right now but eventually it's going to know its ok and so will you..my therapist said I'd have lapses for a while when it would be bad and lapses when things would be good at then eventually they become so spread out that it won't be a problem anymore..but yes I understand you're pain and fear...it's worse than getting raped..I promise it will be ok..people probably wonder what's wrong with her? But they don't know how bad I've been ..I'm just soo great full and happy to be better 😊 you're going to get better too!
  • Heylee08
    Heylee08 Ihateweed89

    Posted

    this is so weird because the same thing happened & is happening to me again. I've been smoking weed for about 3 years & one time when I smoked weed, last year, I had the worse reaction. I was panicking really bad, I thought I was dying & it was terrible. I felt like everybody knew I was high & I felt like I was going to get in trouble. that night I woke up crying & had a real panic attack. my heart was racing & I had to call for my mom because I was scared. I thought I had schizophrenia or something but my friend looked up depersonalization & everything I was showing was signs of it. I wanted to see a doctor so we went to a mental hospital & they said I was pretty messed up. I left though because they wanted to keep me but my mom was like no, I was so scared. honestly I was still just high I think but that mood lasted for about a week, I felt like everything was a dream. I wanted to wake up & feel normal again. it slowly gone away but I've noticed since I started smoking, I've been very depressed. I'm an A student & I use to play sports & be very active but I've noticed since I started, nothing has been the same. I cry myself to sleep a lot now, I lost a bunch of friends, literally all of them & I haven't had motivation to do anything or have interest to do anything anymore. I need to quit & get my life back together. a friend of mine as well wants to quit so together were thinking about it & were gonna start working out & get out lives back together. I think the key to really changing is having support & someone who you can trust & get comfort from. weed has only made my life worse, I feel like sh*t mostly when I am high & realize how much it has changed me. I want to live my life to the fullest & be successful but weed has only slowed me down.
  • alexis519
    alexis519 Ihateweed89

    Edited

    Dear Ihateweed89,

    I think my previous post was moderated because I said a bad word so here I go again. It was a laborious message but I feel the need to reach out so...

    In June of 2011, I ate a pot cookie, had the panic attack of a lifetime and woke up the next morning feeling like I was unable to "think a normal thought." I was frantic and terrified. I felt like I was on psychedelic drugs only I wasn't having hallucinations and didn't do any drugs other than the cookie which was supplied to me by a family friend. It was not "laced." I was hysterical. I rushed to the ER because I wasn't sure if I was going psychotic or something. I had never had any previous mental health issues other than occasional anxiety attacks. They gave me benzos and sent me on my way even though I was still freaking out really bad and was nowhere near okay. I was totally dysphoric, scared and I was convinced I was "losing my mind." I never broke with reality or lost my awareness. I felt like I was watching from the inside of my mind, these horrible thoughts and bizarre and horrific perceptual shifts happen to me.

    I hoped it would go away by the next day. It didn't. I became more and more distressed as Monday was approaching and I had to go to work. I didn't know how I was going to be able to function in that condition. Normal things and activities that I would never have thought twice about suddenly became daunting tasks because of my condition. I went to work ( I walk dogs so I am alone a lot and I also do house calls as a veterinary technician) totally tripping. I was horrified and tried my hardest to hide from everyone how truly terrible I was feeling. If I had any other job, I would not have surived holding it together. I made an appointment with psychiatry. They tried me on a whole host of horrific drugs from anti-depressants to anti-convulsants "mood stabilizers" to low doses of anti-psychotics. All of which made me feel sick, slow and cognitively impaired on top of other weird side effects and what I was already experiencing. I ended up on klonopin to try to maintain the anxiety aspect of things. It hardly helped. I had horrible intrusive thoughts, I was so disconnected from my belongings that I was afraid of my art and books and the music I listened to scared me. All of the things I loved and contributed to the quality of my life seemed foreign to me. No longer mine. As a person who LOVED their solitude, suddenly I was afraid of being alone. I felt like I lost myself completely and my life felt over. I had the same thoughts of not wanting to die but not wanting to continue on feeling this way. I had everything going for me before this happened. I had two jobs that I loved, I had just moved into a new place, paid off my car and had started seeing someone I was falling in love with. I was learning Italian, saving for Italy and learning to play the accordion. My whole life was on the line. I suffered like this for a year and seven months. Day in and day out. Complete misery. I don't know how I got through the moments and it literally was surviving the days moment by moment. I forced myself to keep doing the things I would be doing if this were not happening to me. I was devasted. I felt dead already. I was so vital and confident and had dreams of traveling the world and having adventures and creating amazing life experiences. All of this started to look like a lost dream. I was in so much pain. I wouldn't see my friends because I was afraid they wouldn't understand or they would notice that I wasn't the person they knew me to be. It was all I could do to just work. I was isolated in my experiences. I cried and cried and cried. But persisted. I was fighting for my life.

    Gradually, after almost two years, I started to feel a little bit better. Not completely myself but a long shot from where I was until my gynecologist suggested I try an anti-depressant for the severity of my periods. It had only been 9 months since I had started to feel a bit better. The day I took Celexa, I tripped out again. Had a massive panic attack and it threw me right back into the headspace I was in for a year and seven months. ALL OVER AGAIN. I was at work when the "medicine" "kicked in"!! Juggling six dogs on the trails. To say that I totally freaked out would be an understatement. I COULD NOT BELIEVE this was happening to me again. I didn't even know how I survived the first time around and was still terrified and licking my wounds when I got knocked down yet again. This time, all of the visual stuff you mentioned started up. Visual tracers, halos, burned images, after images as well as some other wonderful things that didn't happen the first time: medication resistant insomnia, night terros, panic attacks in my sleep (when I could sleep) that would fling me out of bed with my heart pounding and me thinking I was going insane, I stopped being able to eat- food felt physically weird in my mouth and ended up getting 5150'd after not sleeping for a week. I told the ER dr that I would rather be dead than go another day the way I was and that was it. My worst fear. They threw me in the hospital for five days. I could not show any emotion out of fear they would not release me, but it was a truly traumatic experience. On top of all the initial trauma. When I got out, I saw dr after dr. I saw neurologists, infectious disease specialists, psych drs, got therapy, read self help books, did online research. I saw had a spinal tap and several MRI's to rule anything out that may have been wrong with my brain. (In 2007, I almost died from bacterial spinal meningitis and I had no idea what that did to my brain. Usually people do not survive that disease.)

    Here I am. Today. In the same boat. Day in and day out struggling to stay psychically vigilant. It is hard when something happens to you and you don't really get a solid answer as to why it happend. I am not schizophrenic. I am not psychotic. I am not bi-polar yet it feels like I have some sort of illness noone can really describe. Some dr's have suggested depersonalization/derealization and extreme anxiety with major depression. It seems like these are tame explanations for the grandiosity of my experiences. And as far as depression and anxiety goes- I don't know who wouldn't be anxious and depressed after suffering something like this for so long. I wasn't depressed before this happened that's for sure. There is so much suffering involved. I feel like my friends and family are living their lives as themselves and mine is just passing me by while I wait to hopefully get better. I still force myself out, but I don't have the same energy. I don't feel well. All of my experiences are tainted with the essence of whatever this is.

    Luckily, as research as provided, our brains still have neuroplasticity and can heal. If a stroke victim can heal, I can heal. It may take a long time, but nothing can stay the same forever. I just can't believe that. You said you experienced some relief when you took ssris right? All those drugs did was alter your neurochemical receptor activity. When your or my brain changes on its own, and it will, maybe it will heal and things will get better. I am still fighting. I cried myself to sleep last night because I saw an old photo of myself and I miss that person so much it is crushing. My heart is broken. My spirit feels dashed...but there is still fire in there pushing me to continue on and I hope you do too.

    I am wondering if you were able to relate to my experiences or if you are still feeling unwell. I wish you the best. Nobody can possibly understand how really horrific something like this is until they experience it for themselves. It is real. This happens to people. I don't think either one of us are "crazy."

    A few things that help me through the moments: trying to stay present no matter how weird I feel, not isolating, meditating when I can, exercising even when I feel too strange for words, reaching out to friends and not fearing their judgement, I get acupuncture and do yoga, I try to eat as healthy as possible, try to maintain positive self talk- it is not easy, I take high quality fish oil, magnesium chelate (easier on the stomach), and a good probiotic.

    Please let me know how you are and if anything I said was helpful. You are not alone. You DO NOT SUFFER ALONE.

    Alexis

    • teepis
      teepis alexis519

      Posted

      Hi Alexis. I'm not sure if you're still out there, but I wanted to chime in. I know exactly what you're going through.

      When I was 15 years old, I smoked weed with some friends. I had smoked maybe two times before than and never noticed being high, so I figured this time I would smoke more. We were all hanging out listening to music and talking, I was laying down on the floor in my friends room. Suddenly, like a light switch, I was completely overwhelmed with the worst trip of my life. I had never done any kind of drugs, so I had nothing to compare it to.

      I'll try to explain it. I felt like I was pushed back in my consciousness (almost like I was observing myself from a deep place within my own head), and in a complete dream state. Nothing seemed real. When I talked, or heard other people talk, it sounded like it would repeat over and over again, and even get stuck on the edge of my consciousness. This is a very hard sensation to describe, but sounds would just linger at the edge of my perception until another sound rolled in. At the same time, it felt like I was waking up over and over again, like my consciousness kept resetting every second or half second and my vision would surge along with it. I remember frantically pacing around my friend's house, my heart beating out of my chest, begging them to call 911. All the while, having a completely rational mind but not rational enough to tell myself that I was "just high."

      I remember this went on for hours and hours, until I finally fell asleep. The next day I was fine but definitely didn't want to smoke weed ever again. About a week later, I was at a differen't friend's house playing a video game. I kept restarting the level in the game to try to do something right in the beginning. Suddenly, BOOM. Like a light switch had been turned on, I was completely overcome with the exact same high I had experienced that night a week before. Only thing is, this time I didn't smoke or take any drugs whatsoever. Completely panicked at this point and confused as to how this was even possible, I was tripping horribly and had my mom come pick me up from my friend's house. This attack lasted a couple hours and eventually went away.

      The next day, I went to school as usual. I was in class, and suddenly it happened again. Completely overwhelmed by the panic. The worst part is how you can be tripping out like crazy, re-experiencing a horrible high, and no one around you knows. Everyone else is just cruising through their day, blissfully unaware of the hell you are experiencing right beside them.

      This time, the attack didn't stop. I spent the next 3 years (yes, 3 years) of my life in and out of psychiatry offices. They all kept telling me I had anxiety and that I would be fine. But I wasn't fine, I was tripping like I took acid or something for 3 straight years. The only time I would get any relief, funny enough, is when a really good movie would distract me. I would suddenly have 15 minutes of feeling completely normal. As soon as I realized "Whoa! I feel normal!", I would snap right back into the trip instantly. I eventually got better. I had 12 years of the occasional flashback that lasted no more than 20 - 30 seconds. But recently, I was under a lot of work stress and it just rubber banded right back and the trip was turned on again.

      I'm currently going through this, along with extensive therapy, and maintaining a full time job. Keep your chin up. It is literally the worst kind of dark cloud that can be following you around, but if we don't have hope that we'll get better, we have nothing. Let me know if you ever need to talk, I hope you're still out there and hope you're doing alright.

    • dechaun94124
      dechaun94124 teepis

      Posted

      i thank you for saying what you said. i didnt understand what was wrong with me. and honestly i still didnt understand until your message made me realize alot. i am 16 right now a little around the age you've experience your attacked and i was crazy scared out of my mind. it would come back on and off because of various reason, at many times, and sometimes just for no reason at the wrong time. but i wanted to ask you something and i really really hope you reply back or see this. my question is, if you smell weed, or any substance of smoking do you get mad or start to have that attack again for a awhile. because i do, and alot of people i know smokes. and now they know not to smoke around me but every i smell the smell of weed i would spaze out. i would get seriously mad, not because just someone is smoking it, but because im scared that i would go back to that stage. sorry if this sounds weird. hope you reply.
    • Weedsucks
      Weedsucks teepis

      Posted

      Wow our stories are so similar. Our highs were extremely similar as well. Only 8 months into this foggy high state. I'm so used yl it that I dknt realize it's still there until I'm like "I'm feeling good". I'm in a bad state now because I haven't slept in days with stress over school. That's when it seems to hit me hardest is when k dknt have sleep. Any suggestions to help me overcome? I don't want to go to a doctor because reading such forums show they only prescribe medicine because of depersonalizations and what not
    • aya89753
      aya89753 dechaun94124

      Posted

      Hello dechaun94124, I would really like your opinion on this matter, you talked about smelling weed inducing anxiety, I have the exact same problem.

      1.5 year ago, I tryed to smoke a pot but had a bad trip, that lasted more than 6 mounth, no need for more details, its just like everyone else here. 

      Today I am fine, I did alot of work on my self, I took 0 drugs or med, I just talked to a therapist and read some books. 

      BUT, just like you I fear the smell of weed, I went to alot of party where people happen to smoke weed, and I was always a little bit nervous, but I always kept control.

      The problem is .. 2 days ago, I was with friends, in a room, and when they started to smoke, I start feeling really anxious (but not pannic attack), I went close to the window so I can have some fresh air, they only smoked for 4 5 minutes before I left. Since then, I am feelings anxious about that all day, expect after my cardio session.

      Sorry for my bad english, I just wanted to share with you my experience since I think you can somehow understand me

    • aya89753
      aya89753

      Posted

      +dechaun94124 I think its more an association we do betwen the smell of weed and bad trip/anxiety etc., its really just in our head
    • aya89753
      aya89753

      Edited

      I think that our mind associate the smell of weed with danger, and as soon as we begin to smell "danger" , we freak out . If we have the power to associate, I believe we also have the power to dissociate 
    • teepis
      teepis dechaun94124

      Posted

      Hey there. Yes, if people smoke around me I definitely get upset and it has the ability to trigger worst symptoms. I've learned to just distance myself from those situations. You will get better. The best thing you can do for yourself is to involve yourself with friends and relatives, try to lightly acknowledge that you are experiencing weird symptoms and then move on. Try to experience things moment to moment and distract yourself as much as possible. It takes time. I've also noticed that my symptoms get worse when I am stressed and tense. I have a neurology appointment coming up shortly because my therapist is finally suggesting that I may be experiencing simple partial seizures, but it's hard to say what's really going on without going through the proper medical channels. Keep fighting, sorry it took me so long to reply.
    • teepis
      teepis Weedsucks

      Posted

      I can tell you that medicine did nothing for me, but it may help you. They tried me on Prozac, Zoloft, Xanax, Clonopin. No medication ever touched the symptoms I was experiencing. I'm sorry to hear that you had a similar experience, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I would recommend starting with a steady sleep schedule, try to exercise in the evening so you can fall asleep better. Try to cut out eating bad foods and stick to healthy meals. Mindfulness meditation may help as well, it has given me a lot of stress relief. One thing to note is that when my experience first happened, I was taking a prescription acne medication, I believe tetracycline. I had a friend who recently experienced a very strange attack similar to ours when he smoked on the same medication. Probably the most effective thing you can do at the end of the day is to involve yourself in life. Hang out with friends, stay active, keep as many distractions as you can. For me, being outwardly focused was the reason my symptoms went into remission for 12 or so years after high school. You'll be alright, just keep taking it one day at a time.
    • aya89753
      aya89753 teepis

      Posted

      any tip about not to freak out when you smell weed, when other people are smoking around ? Its weird that the simple fact of freaking out when smelling smoke mad me depressed for 3 or 4 days straight --'
    • chris47605
      chris47605 aya89753

      Posted

      Just know that the smell itself does not mean that it is getting into your system..... you wont get high of just smelling a bit of it. But tbh, I found the association far too strong and used to just leave the room when people were smoking, or ask them to go outside. 

      Basically when you smell it it brings up all the old emotions and opens up all the neural pathways from when you had your first 'bad trip'.

      Just stay away from it, and if you do get 'triggered' distract yourself with something that you are really interested in, like a book, or a good tv show so that you do not fall back into the association. 

      Another excellent thing to do is stay focussed on your body...... the fear will manifest itself somewhere in your body, because the body is where the association is kept........so try to find the physical sensation in your body and really really focus on it. The feeling will get worse at first, but then after a while it will subside and you will have difused the association.

    • simona02530
      simona02530 alexis519

      Posted

      Alexis, your experience with marijuana is exactly what happened to me 3 years ago. I had to go to the hospital and hide my real emotions/experience out of fear of being considered "crazy" while in my mind I was waking up every day in and out of consciousness and felt extremely ungrounded, scared, and no longer my self. Instead I was focused on and felt like I was solving a puzzle to get out of that state of mind. it was so confusing, intense, and unlike anything I ever knew. Although the intensity of that high is gone and I feel "normal" now, the experience is still affecting me to this day and like you said, I too wish I could go back to my old self, to not feel like I am watching myself grow older while apprehensively moving through life. It's awful. Even when I am going along with some of the plans I had for myself, that immersed presence and curiosity for the plans is completely non-existant. I just feel like a hollowed/dead version of myself and some days everything is fine and reminiscent of times past but then it will take one trigger to bring me back into this feeling. It's depressing knowing that for 3 years I've been going on with life this way. It has shattered my life and I'm still so confused about everything that happened. 

      If you see this and want to e-mail me I would really like to hear from you. I do believe in the power of conversation and solidarity as tools for true healing. Hope you are well.

      Emis Moderator comment: I have removed the email address as we do not publish these in the forums. If users wish to exchange contact details please use the Private Message service.

    • justina14297
      justina14297 alexis519

      Posted

      Omg bless your heart sad reading this was like reading exactly what ive been dealing with the past 2 years. I think depo provera is what triggered whatever this s****y feeling is for me. I never had depression or anxiety until i took that medication... i was one of those people who couldnt understand why someone would be sad for no reason or be depressed but now i know it all too well. .the feeling is always there.im strangely uncomfortablr wi th being alone now. I used to love being alone as well... and not. A single dark thought would cross my mind.. i used to have so much ambition, i used to be so nice, and loved music. Now im just a hateful, sad shell. I try to do things that make me feel normal but whatever this is is always making itself known to me that ir hasnt gone away. Getting my first car didnt make me happy like it wouldve made most teenagers happy.getting my own job and making my own money didnt make me happy. Nothing fills the void but what baffles ms is i dont understand why im not happy. I have every reason to be... im pregnant too and my little girl will be here in august and i just want to be a good mother for her bur i feel like my depression or whatever this is has stolen every good thing in me. It feels so dark and evil and gross... i feel like im eventually gonna lose my mind and kill myself. I just wanna be my normal carefree ambitious self again. It feels so foreign to me now. Its heartbreaking.
    • francesca61235
      francesca61235 alexis519

      Posted

      We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

    • francesca61235
      francesca61235 Weedsucks

      Posted

      therapists (mostly everyone with some exceptions; licenced nurse practitioner etc) cannot rx drugs.

      keep an open mind. If you don't like your first experience, don't go back. 😃

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