How to speak to an older relative about their driving

Why is driving so important to older people?

For many people, access to a vehicle is a source of independence. For drivers facing the extra challenges that can come with getting older, it can also represent freedom, a sense of pride in their capabilities, and a way of staying socially connected.

There might also be a sense of pressure or responsibility - for example if someone is the only driver in their friendship group and, as a result, becomes the person everyone relies on for days out and essential trips.

The conversation around stopping driving may trigger a grieving process around both practical loss, and broader themes of competence and identity.

How to approach the conversation

Facing the potential loss of being able to drive may cause many difficult feelings. It’s important to approach the subject with empathy and understanding, rather than criticism.

If you’re the one initiating the conversation, stay calm and patient, and make it a priority to ensure the other person doesn’t feel judged or embarrassed.

Framing the conversation around safety and wellbeing - and the impact of age on all drivers - may be a helpful way to make it less personal.

Consider phrases such as:

• “I’ve noticed driving seems more stressful lately - how are you feeling about it?”

• “Could we maybe look at ways to make driving easier or safer for you?”

• “We can explore options together - we’ll do everything we can to make sure you don’t lose your independence.”

• “I want you to stay safe, and I know you want that for other drivers and pedestrians too.”

Mark Vahrmeyer is a psychotherapist and member of the Institute of Advanced Motorists. He says it’s worth being prepared for challenge, or an emotional response, especially if it’s not something you’ve previously mentioned.

“Seeing friends, doing their own shopping, or helping others may each carry a different significance,” he explains. “You might need to help the person address those particular losses, while preserving as much choice and connection as possible.”

Mark Vahrmeyer

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Avoid using phrases that could trigger defensiveness and shame.

These include:

• "You're too old to drive."

• “You’re dangerous.”

• “You shouldn’t be driving.”

• “You’re going to hurt someone.”

• “It’s time to give up the car.”

If you refer to specifics, do it gently but firmly, and around patterns rather than isolated incidents. These could include dents or scrapes on the car, friends or neighbours expressing concern, getting lost on familiar routes, confusion at junctions or roundabouts, difficulty staying in lane, and increased anxiety behind the wheel.

What if the conversation doesn’t go well?

If your loved one reacts negatively when you open up the conversation about driving, don’t be immediately disheartened. They may simply need some time to process the idea and adjust to the conversation.

"What appears to be stubbornness may sometimes be a defence against feeling vulnerable, diminished, or frightened of becoming a burden,” says Vahrmeyer.

This could be a gradual process, so consider ways in which they could take gradual steps instead of stopping immediately. You could you suggest things such as avoiding night driving, motorways or dual carriageways, sticking to familiar routes, and limiting long journeys. You might encourage them to try public transport or ride‑share apps. There are also ways to meet people which don’t involve driving, such as social clubs, lunch groups, or hobby groups closer to home.

Organisations such as Driving Mobility also offer professional evaluations that are supportive and helpful, and don’t feel judgemental. They could also speak to their doctor who can assess their medical fitness to drive.

You can understand someone’s distress and still recognise that they may need to stop driving. If after several conversations your relative refuses to stop driving and you believe they or others are at risk, you can report your concerns confidentially by calling 101. You can also contact your local police force through their website.