Victims and villains

What really happens when you argue with your partner - and why do the smallest things so often spark the biggest reactions? and how our family histories shape the patterns we repeat in adult relationships.

Drawing on decades of therapeutic experience, they reveal that most fights aren’t about the presenting issue at all - not the dishwasher, the shoes in the hallway or the late arrival home. Instead, these everyday flashpoints unearth deeper fears about fairness, being valued, being loved, or feeling invisible. Clare and Janet show how quickly disagreements can activate old childhood wounds, shifting us from adult reasoning into that frightened, vulnerable five-year-old self.

They introduce the Drama Triangle - victim, persecutor and rescuer - a dynamic that plays out in countless relationships. By learning to step out of these roles and into a more grounded, assertive and vulnerable adult self, couples can transform conflict into understanding rather than escalation.

The episode also explores practical tools for “doing conflict well”: using pauses and code words to break unhelpful patterns, taking responsibility for our emotional state, practising repair after rupture, and recognising when self-care is the missing piece that determines how much capacity we have for our partners.