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Hi, I want to bring up a few things at the appointment which have concerned me for a while now, but do not want to make a complete moron of myself!
Basically, I've wondered for a while now about whether I might be somewhere on the bipolar 'spectrum', rather than simply unipolar depressed. I am 41. I'll try and just list things so this doesn't turn into an essay!
I was a very anxious child. Had hallucinations (but this is normal for some kids I believe)
Bullied relentlessly at high school.
I am aware of feeling 'not right' (depressed) in my mid teens
At 16 my English teacher noted a drop in the 'quality and quantity' of my work
Having always done academically well, I failed two exams and scraped a third and my final year was a waste of time.
At 17, on leaving school, I had a very long period of being 'strange'. My anxiety was up. I thought my best friends were too boring so dumped them. So had NO friends for a while. (I was shy and not exactly a 'party animal' - more a 'watch tv and read animal'
I developed an obsession with Johnny Depp. Not unusual for a teenage girl. but I just sat and watched the film 'Cry Baby' on a loop for weeks on end. I practically did nothing else for a while. I know I was not 'myself', I remember feeling 'odd'.
I can remember walking into the kitchen one day and it quite literally felt like I was walking on air. I can remember looking out the window and thinking how beautiful the world was. I was 'in love' with Johnny and he was going to come and get me. I have a vague recollection of bewildering my mum with whatever nonsense was coming out of my mouth. (none of this was usual for me)
I wrote a 'profound' poem at one point and was crushed when my mum didn't say it was good enough to be published. So I tore it up. (again, not usual behaviour for me).
And then I crashed into a huge depression. I was probably sleeping for over 20 hours each day.
And then my anxiety went through the roof. Like, THROUGH THE ROOF!!
Can't think where in the timeline but my health anxiety was BAD. A 'deathwatch' beetle kept coming in our house for a time, and I was convinced it was a sign. It was coming for me. I really thought this.
This 'weirdness' went on for months. I was never treated. Eventually, it maybe took up to a year, I started to feel 'normal' again.
Since that time I have always been plagued with anxiety of some sort. It's always there.
I have had a number of severe depressive episodes over the years. (complicated by the fact I met my narcisstic ex at 19).
I also have problems with irritability, and rage
The narc left three years ago. I had a breakdown (scared life out of kids who left to grandma's for a time).
Was prescribed Mirtazapine (on for 6 months). Great for sleep. But I went odd again! Checked horoscopes umpteen times a day. Started to live life by them. Made many plans. But tbh it didn't help my anxiety and I went from depressed to thinking everything was going to be great.
A few months later life seemed hopeless again.
On Sertraline for 6 weeks. Worst 6 weeks on my life (up till now).
Changed to Citalopram for 18 months. One year on 40mg. Maybe helped a little at start but I struggled the whole time on it. Mood swings all over the place. Extreme irritability and anger. Still able to be silly and have a laugh though. Nearly took my own life. Had emotional screaming meltdown in public after ESA refused (embarassing )
So changed to Cymbalta 10 weeks ago. AWFUL. More depressed. Apathetic. Not left flat since June. Feel ill. Doc put me up tp 120mg last week but I've dropped myself back down to 60mg as felt like I was going to die. Insomnia (which I had anyway) worse than ever.
I also was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in Feb, after years of trying to find out what was wrong. I've read there is a link with bipolar.
I get obsessions. Have done since that time back at school. Will buy lots of books on a subject, thinking that is what I will study and do with my life, only to lose interest or energy in it. Or other sorts of projects. Usually take on far too much and things are left half finished or never started.
Only seem to have short energy bursts. Strange but I used to have times where I would have to pile all the cushions up on the seat and sit as high as possible. Or other times I would get really confident and 'happy' and sure life was going to be great, but that only lasts for hours, not days.
Haven't really felt like that in a long time now. Last time I think was maybe pre-antidepressants.
I was also on prozac for a short while at Uni but felt completely out of control on it.
Sorry, that was quite long and I could have added so much more!
I keep being told by GPs I am depressed. Yes, but not all the time!!! I go up and down. Yes, more down that up these days. And I never go very far up. Not like that first time.My anxieties are always there. I get hideously irritable. Of course the fibro doesn't help as it frustrates me. But I'm not always in a 'depressed' mood.
Anyway, if anyone has bothered to read this far I would value some input. I'm not looking for a diagnosis from you. Just whether, with your knowledge of bipolar, whether there is enough there to warrent me mentioning my concerns to the psychologist. It's actually health psychology for the fibro, but the mental health team couldn't give me pscyh appointment as I already had this one!
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