What to do if you feel lonely

Older people are especially vulnerable to loneliness and social isolation, with ONS figures finding over 1 in 3 of all people aged 65 and over living alone. A quarter of these people - around 3 million - say the TV or radio is their main company. Around 7% of people in Great Britain say they feel lonely ‘often or always’ (chronic loneliness).

Older generations aren't the only age groups affected, though. Young adults are more likely to feel lonely than older age groups, with around 1 in 10 people aged 16 to 24 'always or often' lonely.

"Loneliness is one of the most deeply painful human experiences. It impacts on both our psychological and physical well-being as the two are inextricably linked," says Linda Boutet, counsellor and psychotherapist and member of the Counselling Directory.

"Loneliness can cause us to feel like outsiders - experiencing life in a solitary bubble, unable to connect with others. It can make us mistakenly believe we are somehow failures in life, and can cause us to physically ache for human contact.”

Loneliness and our health

Boutet adds that the effect of loneliness on physical health is as harmful as its psychological impact.

Heart disease

"Scientific research now shows that long-term sustained loneliness decreases our body's ability to cope with illness via our immune system. This increases our chance of developing heart disease and stroke," Boutet explains. "We may feel physically slower when we are lonely. This can - in turn - lead to impaired cognitive functioning."

Mental illness

There is also a strong link between feeling lonely and mental illness. Although loneliness in itself isn't a mental health problem, people with a mental health problem may feel lonely - and feeling lonely may have a negative impact on someone's mental well-being.

Rachel Boyd, Scottish Council for Voluntary Organisations says: "Struggling with a mental health problem can be isolating, and feeling lonely can have a negative impact on your mental health."

"Your self-esteem may be low, making it hard to keep up social contact. You might also feel too low or exhausted to spend the time you would normally on hobbies or activities that connect you to others."

Why are we so lonely?

There are a number of reasons why loneliness appears to be a growing problem. Some argue that there is a lack of community within modern society, which discourages people from connecting with one another.

High living costs and stagnant wages may also be part of the problem, as these factors can prevent people from socialising. Although we are on constant virtual contact with people via social media, studies have shown this can increase feelings of loneliness⁴.

Freddie Cocker, 24, founder of the mental health platform Vent, says his loneliness is triggered in different situations.

"Sometimes if I'm on my way home from a night out on my own and there's a couple opposite me - or if there's a group of friends chatting and enjoying each other's company - that can make me feel quite lonely and isolated," he says.

"Other times it could be if I decide to stay at home and I'm in my room on my own alone with my thoughts. I'm highly extroverted and live with depression, anxiety and persistent overthinking so my mind will often to drift to the fun nights other people might be having, or the experiences my friends are enjoying without me."

Cocker adds that being online can make it worse. "There's a danger of getting lost in social media and the triggers that come with that - humble-bragging, boastful posts about how great someone's life is."

He adds that he has a supportive friendship group, but loneliness can still take its toll.

"It makes you think you're smaller than you are, under-appreciated or unworthy of love or friendships," Cocker says. "Loneliness makes you think you have no friends, even though you might have loads who love and support you."

How to help yourself

Connect with others

Boutet advises: "Connecting up with others may seem impossible when we feel lonely. Yet this is what we need to do to break what may become a cycle. Dwelling on our feelings of loneliness can be unhelpful - we need to actually reach out. By doing so we are taking care of ourselves."

Cocker says if he's feeling lonely, he usually starts a conversation with someone he hasn't spoken to for a while:

"It might not be a deep conversation, but it's just something to keep my mind distracted and remind myself that there are some people out there who care about what's going on in my life."

Do something you enjoy

Boutet explains that making time for things you like - whether that is exercise or a hobby - can help alleviate loneliness.

"When we are busy doing something we enjoy, - such as an evening class or a local gym session - we can connect up and feel brighter," she says. "Too much time spent online can also exacerbate feelings of loneliness, so perhaps we can log off and go out into the real world. Looking after our physical health is also vital, so healthy eating and exercise are important."

Exercise

Boyd adds: "While you may not feel like it, physical activity can be very effective in lifting your mood and increasing your energy levels.

"Research shows outdoor exercise - such as cycling or jogging - can be as effective as antidepressants in treating depression. Taking part in a group activity like cycling or basketball can help you meet new people too. Visit Get Set to Go to see if there are any groups in your area. If not, you could look at your Local Mind to see if there is something in your area."

Cocker says going to the gym is also a massive help, as it helps him stick to a routine and meet new friends.

"It's more of a supportive community than a stereotypical gym," he adds.

Volunteering

Volunteering is a good way to meet others.

Boyd says: "If you are able to, helping out with a charity or good cause can improve your self-esteem, give you a chance to meet new people, and reduce feelings of isolation.

"For information on local volunteering opportunities, visit community volunteering websites, ask at your nearest library, or keep an eye on regional newspapers."

How to help others

If you think someone is struggling with loneliness, there are ways you can help them too.

"Reach out to them, face-to-face if possible but - if not - just talking over the phone shows you're willing to invest time into making sure they're alright," Boyd says. "Offer to go to a class or group activity with them. You don't need to join in but even helping them get there can be supportive."

It's important to listen to what they have to say, though, and not to make assumptions. "People can feel lonely even if it looks like they have a busy and full life. Letting people be honest about feeling lonely can help them understand what's going on, and start to think of ways to feel better," she adds.

Where to get support

Visit your doctor

Your doctor can help you manage the impact loneliness can have on your mental health and suggest the right course of action for you.

Boutet says: "If our loneliness is related to a relationship breakdown, unemployment or health issues, then talking with your doctor can be a first step. If we are lonely within relationships, then talking with a counsellor can help us to understand our feelings."

Support groups

Boyd says: "Reach out - if you can arrange to meet up with a friend or family member face-to-face then do. But, if not, just talking over the phone can make a big difference. You could also think about finding people to connect to in other ways, like through Mind's online community, Side by Side."

You could also try Meetup or the Campaign to End Loneliness, which offers advice and information on how to beat loneliness.