Preparing for the loss of a loved one: how to cope with anticipatory grief

Understanding anticipatory grief

Anticipatory grief is the emotional response we have when we are consciously aware that we are going to lose a loved one. Unlike the grief that follows after a death, anticipatory grief begins before the loss occurs.

Laura Greenwood, Psychotherapist, Laura Greenwood Therapy, Holmfirth, UK explains that anticipatory grief can arise for different reasons - sometimes because a terminal illness provides a rough timeline, and other times simply from an increasing awareness of ageing, mortality, and the reality that life is finite.

“We notice an increase in anticipatory grief, as we age, because we become more aware of the fact that life, at some point, ends,” she says. “Sometimes, you might anticipate grief and wish it were not there. Sometimes, you might anticipate grief because you feel you need to prepare for the eventuality of losing someone.”

Greenwood emphasises that, no matter the circumstances, nothing can fully prepare you for the grief of an actual loss. This is because it’s impossible to predict how you will feel once it happens. Your emotions and reactions may also be different from what you had expected.

Greenwood acknowledges that this is much easier said than done.

“Many people have spent their whole lives avoiding doing this,” she describes. “But you can’t recognise these experiences, or learn to move through them, without it. Which is why seeking support from someone who can help you navigate your experience of grief - however it shows up for you - can be so beneficial.

“Once you receive support, it is more about moving through the experience, balancing processing your experience of grief, with living your life in a way that best suits you - knowing this balance will change with each day and stage of your grief. It can feel daunting, which is why having both a personal and professional support network can help guide you through this period.”

Laura Greenwood, Accredited Psychotherapist, Laura Greenwood Therapy, Holmfirth, UK

Emotional preparation

While nothing can truly equip you for the loss of a loved one, there are steps you can take to support yourself through anticipatory grief. These steps can help you cope with the emotional challenges and gradually prepare for the inevitable loss of a loved one.

Feeling is healing

Allowing yourself to fully experience the emotions that arise in the lead-up to your loved one's death will benefit you in the long run.

Greenwood emphasises that the more you can stay present with whatever emotions emerge, as your experience shifts and changes, the better you are able to navigate the process.

“What this will mean, is that you are less likely to judge yourself for your experience of grief,” she says. “ Especially if you feel something so vastly different from what you expected.

“For example, some people initially feel relief at the loss of a loved one - rather than sadness - due to recognising that the end of their life was a blessing for the person, or for their family in some way. It is easy for people to judge themselves for this experience. But actually, no feeling is wrong, and whatever you feel, you are meant to. There is no right or wrong way to process the complex experience of grief.”

Sharing brings strength

There are many paths of support to help you cope with the anticipatory grief of losing a loved one. Greenwood recommends finding the ones that feel most meaningful to you.

She explains that some people find it helpful to process their anticipatory grief through individual or family therapy - or by joining support groups. Others prefer to keep the experience personal, sharing it only with those closest to them.

“Notice what feels good and right for you,” Greenwood advises. “What brings some level of comfort, or a sense of connection with yourself, your feelings of grief, and your loved one. Grief is incredibly personal and, therefore, coping with this must be personal too.”

Turning memories into treasures

In today’s world, with all the modern tools that help us capture every moment, we can now preserve our memories in many forms.

While Greenwood acknowledges that capturing your loved one’s final moments - whether in writing, audio, or video form - can be a meaningful and beautiful act, she emphasises that it’s important to maintain balance.

She says: “Embrace being fully present with the time you have with your loved one, without feeling the need to document everything. At the same time, capture what feels meaningful to you and works for both you and your loved one.

“Some people find writing their story, through journaling, poetry - a book even - incredibly cathartic. Some people prefer to process their feelings and experiences by expressing them aloud. Sometimes people can find it helpful to document this during the process of anticipatory grief, or this is something they come to after losing their loved one.”

Protecting your wellbeing

The demands and stresses of daily life may make it difficult to embrace your emotions while also caring for others and yourself. This challenge is no different when you are facing anticipatory grief.

Make space for yourself

Even when your attention is consumed with caring for and comforting the person you are about to lose, it’s also important to look after your own wellbeing. Finding time for yourself during this period - though it may feel difficult - is essential.

“Always make sure on your non-negotiables list is something each day for yourself,” says Greenwood. “Even if it is simply sitting with a drink of choice for five minutes to breathe before moving onto the next thing. It really is vital that you place yourself and your needs at the centre of it all.”

She explains that while processing anticipatory grief can make you feel like so much is out of your control, finding a sense of empowerment by focusing on something you can control may be helpful.

“It is one thing you have more control over than you realise,” she adds.

Protect your energy

Burning yourself out helps no one - this includes yourself. That’s why it’s essential to acknowledge you are only human, with limited energy and capacity.

Sit with your grief

Grief is one of the most difficult emotions to go through. This is why some people may try to push it aside, especially when life doesn’t slow down enough to fully face it.

Greenwood suggests you take each day as it comes, pausing regularly to check in with yourself and acknowledge your needs and feelings.

“Make sure you and your feelings are not getting lost amongst the busyness of caring and life,” she says. “I know it’s easier said than done, as there is likely a part of you wanting to bury your head in the sand by caring for others and disappearing into the busyness as a way of avoiding your feelings.

“This is totally understandable because sitting with the idea of losing someone you care for is overwhelming. It is also a very important step to support you to move through your grief, and without it, grief, anticipatory grief, becomes stuck.”

Embrace feelings as they return

Grief is not a linear process. You may feel that you’ve worked through it, only for emotions to resurface later - even after you thought you had moved beyond certain stages.

Greenwood explains that these emotions may include intense feelings of sadness, anger, or any other natural human responses that can arise when we least expect them. When this happens, she advises allowing yourself to fully experience them.

“Doing so allows you to work through grief at a pace and in a way that feels right for you,” she says. “Remember, your feelings and needs will shift, as will the balance of loss with the gratitude for your loved one’s life and what they brought you.”

Final wishes

After your loved one is gone, managing post-loss practicalities while navigating your grief has no one-size-fits-all approach. For some, attending to these tasks can feel like a way of holding on to their loved one’s memory. Others may find different ways to honour those they have lost.

Greenwood recommends that whatever you choose to do, if it helps you experience your emotions at your own pace, know that it is enough.

“Grief changes you. How could it not?” she asks. “It can feel as though there is life before the loss and life after it. In the period between the loss and finding your new sense of self with grief now a part of it, you may feel very lost.

“Know this is completely normal, and know you absolutely can get through it, with a renewed sense of who you are now. We, as people, evolve throughout our lives, with our sense of self constantly shifting. Huge life events such as grief are pivotal moments where our identity has no option but to shift.”