Not quite 'back to normal': a guide to post-pandemic family healing

How COVID-19 changed the landscape of family life

Suddenly having to distance ourselves from loved ones, pack up our desks, keep children out of school, and watch the world shut down was a shock to family life that no ordinary person saw coming.

Beyond the obvious fear of catching Covid-19, many families felt deep loneliness, uncertainty, and a disorienting sense that the world as we knew it might fundamentally change.

Laura Greenwood, Psychotherapist, Laura Greenwood Therapy, Holmfirth, UK, explains that the COVID-19 period was a collective trauma unlike anything most households had ever experienced.

“There was no blueprint for how to handle it,” she says. “It was a shared threat with no clear end in sight - no certainty about if, when, or how it would resolve. This impacted parents and children emotionally, in different ways, because we are hardwired to respond to danger.”

She explains how this collective state of survival mode led to a prolonged period of anxiety, hypervigilance, and relentless “pushing through” - an exhausting pace that was impossible to sustain indefinitely.

In particular, many people found themselves suddenly juggling multiple roles. A parent with a full-time job, for instance, might simultaneously have had to become a full-time teacher and carer, while perhaps also supporting elderly or vulnerable family members, alongside looking after their own children.

All the while, there was the heartbreak of losing loved ones without the chance to say proper goodbyes, compounded by a persistent uncertainty about what the future might hold for the next generation.

Laura Greenwood, Accredited Psychotherapist

Although everyone’s mental health journey after the pandemic is unique, certain trends stand out within specific demographics in terms of collective effects. One of the most apparent areas is the core family unit - particularly parents, newborns, and children.

Isolation and missed milestones

There is some evidence suggesting that children born during the pandemic may be facing greater challenges adapting to the educational system.

Greenwood explains that much of this evidence comes from educators, who observe that this group - now in Year One - shows notable differences in how they navigate social and school structures, likely shaped by the collective trauma surrounding their family's experience during their birth year.

Several factors may contribute to this, including:

• Social isolation - experienced by both the children and their parents.

• External stressors and pressures on the family unit.

• Specific losses - such as the death of loved ones, and the lack of communal support.

“I think many families have yet to fully process that grief and are still carrying it,” says Greenwood. “Parents who have given themselves permission to heal have done so largely through talking about it - by acknowledging that what they experienced was, in fact, trauma.

“It's about allowing themselves to grieve the loss of the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum experience they had hoped for but didn’t receive, through no fault of their own.”

How pandemic stress shaped early parent–child bonding

When the pandemic hit, families were taken by surprise. There were no lessons on how to cope with something of that magnitude, so the only option was to hit the ground running. In the short term, parents did their best to stay afloat - whether caring for themselves or juggling the needs of themselves and others, which was especially challenging for them. Ultimately, the strain of that experience was impossible to hide, inevitably impacting the children at the centre of the home.

Greenwood says that perfection in parenting is never possible - pandemic or not. As a parent, you only have so much control over how your children perceive you, despite your best intentions.

“While it’s worth noting that early stress in a parent’s life during a child’s early development can have an impact, so does a parent’s commitment to their own healing,” she says.

“Yes, significant stressors or life events that affect a parent’s wellbeing - especially if they lead to ongoing emotional dysregulation - can influence the parent-child bond. But this is not irreparable. We know this because adults can repair attachment wounds with their parents at any stage of life.”

The impact of growing up during lockdown

Children who were in key stages of development during the various Covid-19 lockdowns may have experienced lasting social or emotional challenges, which can manifest in a variety of ways - within the family and at school.

The effects didn’t stop with the children themselves. The disruption had a wider impact, influencing not only young people but also the parents and teachers supporting them, each group feeling the pressures and consequences in different ways.

Greenwood notes that educators have reported teaching students has become more challenging - for reasons that are undoubtedly complex, but also shaped by this extraordinary period in family history.

“Teachers have noticed an increased difficulty in students’ ability to behave in ways suited to classroom environments,” she explains. “Many missed out on consistent opportunities to develop these skills due to learning from a distance - being taught through screens, and by parents who were balancing multiple demands.

“And, of course, children should be able to see their parents as parents, not as teachers as well. It was unfair for children to experience that role mixing, and equally unfair for parents to be asked to manage responsibilities they never signed up for.”

Greenwood goes on to describe how many children were denied the chance to experience what it means to learn in a classroom for a prolonged period during their formative years. Losing this structure was confusing, and many returned to school without fully knowing how to find their way around that setting outside of the family bubble.

“There were lost opportunities to practice lifelong social skills,” she says. “Teachers have also observed challenges with maintaining attention, keeping children engaged, and a drop in confidence - perhaps due to missing so much in-person interaction, which is where children develop a sense of identity and belonging.”

As much as we might wish we could, we can’t turn back time or relive the past. What has happened, has happened - and much of it was beyond our control. The good news is that there are actions we can take right now to work with the present moment. Focusing on what is within our control can positively impact your mental wellbeing and the emotional health of your household.

Supporting your children by being present

Greenwood has a powerful saying: “We can grow through what we go through.” It’s an especially meaningful motto when navigating the challenges of the pandemic’s aftermath - particularly in how we show up for our children.

She explains that instead of trying to undo the effects of trauma, we should focus on the present and work with the children in front of us, teaching and parenting them as they are now.

“Walk alongside them to understand their needs and challenges,” Greenwood advises. “Parents and teachers have enormous influence in helping children learn how to function within society while maintaining their individuality. That, I believe, is our role.”

She adds that you should take time to listen and observe children, creating a safe space for them to share their world. It’s easy to judge behaviour and reprimand it, but the harder - and more important - choice is to understand what drives the behaviour and respond in a way that genuinely supports the child. This may sometimes include seeking additional guidance or support.

“Children are unique individuals, just as we are,” says Greenwood. “There is no perfect way to teach or parent - but we do carry influence, and we need to take that responsibility seriously while remembering that we are imperfect ourselves. They don’t need us to be perfect - they need us to be present and willing to learn.”

Rebuilding parent confidence and resilience

Many adults feel their social confidence hasn’t fully recovered since the pandemic. Six years on, Greenwood explains this can be rebuilt with practice and support.

She advises that if you are struggling with your mental health or wellbeing - especially if it is significantly impacting your family life - you should seek support from a therapist who feels like the right fit for you.

“Change can feel impossible when faced alone,” she says. “But with the right therapist and support network, the light at the end of the tunnel becomes visible again.”

Greenwood highlights that one of the reasons parenting can never be perfect is that we are always parenting in a new generation with new information and stressors that previous generations did not have to navigate. The pandemic is a classic - if extreme - example of this.

From social media to the rise of AI, the task isn’t to avoid the changing world, but to engage with it in ways that help us understand it and protect our children, while still allowing them to grow and adapt.

“Follow your intuition when it comes to supporting yourself and your children in the best way you can,” Greenwood suggests. “Seek support and guidance in areas where you feel you have knowledge gaps. Knowledge, combined with accepting that there is no perfect approach, is power.”